Edge, first of all, the guys from U2 are calling. They want you to drop the handle you're using. Pick another nick.
Secondly, you seem to groove on shooting off your mouth, so to speak. Permit me to repeat, once more, why I am here. Maybe you might learn something from this. Perhaps Kathy might as well. I'm hopeful, but I'm not naive.
Very few people on this board know what kind of a person I was before 1982, which is when I finally accepted Christ. Trust me: there was a reason I was going through a divorce, and was being tossed out of the U.S. Army at the time. Some people think they're SOBs. I was probably one of the worst of the worst.
I will not make excuses for my behavior. There isn't one. I threatened people with violence, and actually got violent with some. I was very lucky I didn't find myself at the Mannheim Detention facility, on my way to Fort Leavenworth. I was put out of the military on a Chapter 13 discharge, Unsatisfactory Performance, which allowed me a General Discharge, instead of the Dishonorable I probably well deserved.
Do me a favor and re-read this first part over again. I want you to understand something: I ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR MY ACTIONS! My father had lots of friends in positions of authority in the Board of Military Review. Had I only asked, I could have had my discharge upgraded to an Honorable. I have declined this for over 20 years because I did not earn an Honorable Discharge. It led to a rift between my Dad and I which was not healed when he died in November of 2000.
Accepting Christ meant something far different for me than what it seems to mean to you and Kathy. For me, after reading and rereading the Bible, cover to cover, I realized that if I were to call myself a Christian, I had to accept my responsibility for what I did to others. It meant making phone calls and trying to send letters to people I hurt, to apologize, to tell them I was the one responsible for their misery. I was the one at fault, not them.
I had years and years of bad examples, of people who demonstrated to me hateful and evil actions. I learned very well how to hate, how to break, how to destroy. I was very, very good at it. In leaving that behind by becoming a Christian, I had to relearn everything, not the least of which included remembering that for most people, if there's something worth criticizing, there's also something worth praising. It meant that instead of looking for what was wrong about someone, I had to look for what was right. It meant that maybe your mother was right after all: If you couldn't say something nice, you ought to keep your mouth shut. It meant I had to offer to help, rather than belittle and berate. It meant I had to change my attitude, my direction, my belief about myself, and about others.
It was a very difficult thing, learning that I was not anywhere near as important as I thought I was, and coming to the realization that such an attitude was a cover for what I'd been taught by my parents my whole life. I had to learn to put others ahead of myself. I can tell you this: I've been a hell of a lot happier since I learned to humble myself, and accept that I'm not as smart, I'm not as important, I'm not as good looking, I'm not anything near what I thought I am. I'm just one more mutt in this world, and I have a choice: I can make things worse, or I can make them better.
Accepting Christ was one step towards a more factual view of who and what I was. However, it was costly. Others within the Church do not share my view of what it means to be a Christian, so I found I was on the outside nearly all the time. I wanted to put together a food closet, at the very least, to help the hungry in our community. I wanted to serve in any capacity I could. I found out that being a divorced man, married to a divorced woman in a Protestant Church in the U.S. is tantamount to wearing a t-shirt with "666" on the front. We were told there was no place for us.
Let me tell you something, Edge, Kathy, and others: I had warning sign after warning sign that I was in the wrong place. The one thing that should have set off every warning bell was any discussion of "stewardship." You need to tithe, they kept telling us, but they didn't want to show us how to do that when you're working for near minimum wage.
Ah, yes, tithing! Give money to God. God doesn't need the money, but you and I need the discipline of giving it. Never mind that if I give my 10%, in doing so, my kids do without little luxuries like food, clothing, and possibly shelter. Just keep giving money to God, and He will take care of you!
Except that isn't what happened. Ever.
I lost track of the times I wound up raiding the dumpster at work, or near the apartment where we lived for a while, so Peggy and my younger two sons would have enough real food to eat. We tithed. And we suffered. For what?
Don't even ask how Peggy was treated. I never saw anyone put up with so much toxic slop, all in the name of serving God. Peggy gave and gave of herself, and was slighted by pastors and deacons, by women's ministry leaders, and by so many others. Because, God forbid, she was divorced.
I don't know how much of this I discussed on the board when I first got here. I can tell you that becoming a truck driver changed a number of things for me, not the least of which is that I learned you have to work from the way things really are, not how you want them to be. Tough lesson, but necessary. By the time I got here, I'd already put nearly one million miles on the road, and had learned just how little I really knew.
One person who understood the changes I was going through was Rikzilla. He was the one who recommended to me that I check out this board. I did, coming here, as I said at the outset, to learn. I'm still learning.
I came to Christ to gain a factual knowledge of how to be a better man. And a few years ago, I would have told you that by coming to know Christ, He made me a better man.
Now, I'm not so sure.
I'm wondering if, in fact, the reason I changed was that I saw good people I could use as an example, people who were avatars, if you will, of what I wanted to be, and modified my behavior to fit. I wonder if, in fact, as I read my Bible, I saw good examples of what I could be, and changed not because of the power of the Holy Spirit, but by my own will.
The Church had lied to me time and again about so much. I began to wonder if they'd lied to me about the existence of God.
It wouldn't surprise me. Atheists were supposed to be such miserable people, yet I knew a lot of pretty happy atheists. Agnostics were supposed to be lacking in spiritual direction, but most of the agnostics I knew were better centered than most Christians.
The kicker? Most of the Atheists and Agnostics could let their yes be yes, and their no be no. I don't know too many Christians who can manage to pull even that meager feat off.
See, Kathy, you keep apologizing, but your behavior does not change. You have yet to really acknowledge the pain you've inflicted on others. You sidestep it, then wonder why people here get pissed off. Edge, you're in the same boat. And yes, Tricky is one of the most compassionate people on this board, but trust me, you do not want to irritate him, especially by playing the games you are playing now. Because with that great compassion is great justice. Something to think about.
See, the people here have become my friends. They tell me when I'm wrong, but do so without humiliating me. They tell me when I'm right, and temper my pride when they do. They encourage me when I'm hurting, they heal me when I'm broken. They do what the Church was supposed to do. And they do so without God.
If the Church lied about service, accepting personal responsibility, and tithing, what else did they lie about? I started checking the facts, and I find I cannot completely accept the Bible as I once did. The facts do not support what I read. Perhaps, (and those who know me here know how hard this is to say), there is no God at all. Perhaps once I'm gone, my spirit, such as it was, will fade away with my body. And perhaps, that just might be for the best.
With your outbursts, you remind me just how rare truly devout Christians are in this world. I'm married to one. When she talks to me about what she believes, I want to believe it, too, if only for the idea, the dream, that when we leave this life, I will see her again. I love Peggy that much.
As you rage, preach, belittle, and drone on, you remind me that there was reason I left the Church. I've learned, in the meantime, that what I did not get from the Church and God I found here. While you and others obsess about the End Times, awaiting a Rapture that is unlikely to come, (and frankly, I find the idea of a Pre-Trib Rapture more than a little selfish and apallingly cruel), there are those who want nothing more than an opportunity to serve others. If Jesus were to come tomorrow, He would not find these people waiting for Him; rather they'd be doing what He told the two of you to be doing. Life is to be lived, and part of living is helping others live better lives. It's something you might want to think about.
I've said too many goodbyes to good people over the past few years. I had the privalege of knowing some great souls, and I regret those that I drove away with my zeal to see them "Saved." Perhaps if I had kept silent, instead of growing enamored of my own voice, I might have gained friends, rather than wasted my time trying for converts.
Paul said that he wanted to know only Christ, and Him Crucified. I wonder if I even know that much, or if it's even true anymore. I doubt you will have an answer for me, and further question whether you'll listen long enough to even try.