I am a Mod on 'Bad Astronomy' When did I become a Shill? Why don't I get paid for this?
They didn't tell you?
When doing your taxes, you need to file the 1040-NWO form. Most libraries and Home Depot's have them. Just ask the curator/customer service desk for a "pack of Juicy Fruit gum", and wink with each eye in a 3-2-3 code, starting with the right eye. They will give you the form sealed in an envelope that has the NWO stamp embossed on the back. Now go straight home...making sure to take the long way by taking various side-streets and back-roads. Make sure no one is following you by randomly slamming on your brakes. Once you get home, sit in your car for a good quarter-hour. Most truthers only have an attention span of 2 minutes 30 seconds...or the average span of a youtube video. Fifteen minutes is plenty of time for them to lose interest and head back to mommy's basement.
Now, opening the envelope is tricky. Use your finger to lace the opening with a little bit of water, then stick it in the microwave set on High for 4:11. Do not go 4:12, as that will trigger the self-destruct mechanism! From here on out, you'll have to handle the form with oven mitts...so it may be a bit tricky filling it in. I'd recommend getting in some practice writing before getting into it.
The first part of the form is easy, just your name and address. You'll have to list all your internet forum handles as well. This is so
they can track your posts and ensure you are not a truther.
Now, the hard part. You'll have to print off all of your internet posts from the previous year...in triplicate. Make sure the printer is stocked up on ink. Next, you have to write a 500 word summary report on how you plan to continue your dis-info campaign. I got around this by just typing "truthers are stupid" over and over again. Add a few smilies and pictures of Judy Wood falling off a bridge for good measure.
Where the form asks you for the earned income, just put the code amount $91,120.01. You can also use $72,019.69 as a first time filer...it's kind of like a signing bonus. Make sure you sign in the appropriate places, and put your initials next to each line that you filled in…as well as each page of your internet posting report and dis-info summary.
Now, bundle them all together. You can’t use staples! They clog the shredding machines. So bind all of your documents using triple-twist twine made from hemp. You can get hemp twine from Walmart. Just ask the customer service desk for “government issue P-45”. They always have a bunch in the back where they keep the Bluray discs of the unaltered Zapruder Kennedy assassination films where you see an Army Ranger sniper walking into the frame with a government issue M-1 Garand. Don’t ask me how I know this. Make sure you have the 1040-NWO form on top, followed by your summary, followed by your triplicates. Wrap the neatly tied up papers in wax paper. Now wrap the bundle again in tinfoil. Use some more twine to tie up your tinfoil bundle. Remember, not following protocol will get your form rejected.
This part makes me mad, cuz you can’t send the bundle through the Postal Service. You have to personally take your unmarked bundle to the Toys ‘R Us store in Williston, VT. There, you have to hand your package to woman named Cheyenne (or Barb). Tell her it’s “a package of homemade rum raisin cookies” during the exchange…she will, in turn, hand you a ceramic coffee mug with your first name on it. Make sure your mug has either Barbie or Star Wars characters on it.
If you did everything right, you should start getting checks in 12-16 weeks! At the very least, you get a mug out of it! Good luck!