Being bullied

[Uncayimmy]

I read every word of that. None of it would help.

Well, you're wrong. It has helped. Your limited experience and capacity to understand social interactions prevent you from understanding.

Do you really think that bullied children haven't tried all that?

What a crock of ****. Save your "they're just powerless victims" stuff for somebody else.

They have, they are desperate for solutions. You don't seem to be able to grasp the insidiousness of the bully. Every action the targeted child takes leads to escalation.

You have been presented with numerous cases to the contrary, both in personal experiences and studies. Remove your head from the sand.

In your world, the targeted child tells a parent who goes to a teacher. Now the bully is angry. Tactics may change or become more subtle. Every single one of the targeted child's peers knows it.

What utter nonsense. How is the bully aware that a parent suggested to a teacher new ways of selecting lab partners? It wasn't just one "bully" but a group of peers ostracizing a single student, so your "bully" is yet another of your countless straw men.

So now, with everyone staying the hell away from the caste-less, you tell them it is their responsibility to get someone else on their side.

Yep, that's exactly what I'm saying, because chances are nobody from the "caste" is going to do it. Who's left? Your child won't do it because you've taught your child that victims are helpless. My parents taught me that victims are not helpless and that it's our obligation to help them when they ask. There are other kids out there like that, but chances are they are not going to come to the rescue unless you make the first step.

If the situation is so bad that not a single child anywhere will befriend the kid, then she needs to be moved to another environment. Problem is, studies show that victims who enter new environments often become victims again. I guess that's because people like yourself convince that nobody likes them and everyone wants to hurt them. That's a self-fulfilling prophecy if I've ever heard one.

The only children who would consider it are those who are relieved that the bully's attention is away from them. Even if one of these other peer-dubbed misfits does try to help, it only makes it easier for the bully. There are two targets in close range. Again, it escalates.

Studies have shown exactly the opposite. Social support systems are the most effective ways of dealing with bullies. Why do you think cliques and even gangs form? Why do you think the family unit is so important. Why do you think "strength in numbers" is a cliche.

Your arguments are disgustingly pathetic and uninformed. What a waste of time.

And, my god, the idea of telling a 13 year old that they had better get someone to watch their back when they feel that the whole world loathes them? It's beyond cruel.

Yes. It's much better to tell them they are pathetic and helpless. Tell them that nobody will ever like them. Nobody will ever help. Tell them they are doomed to accept whatever punishment that comes their way. Tell them that if they try to stand up for themselves, they will be crushed.

Yeh, I'm the cruel one. Your posts are a waste of time to read. They are filled with internal contradictions and based on a make-believe world with no basis in reality. It is a defeatist attitude the gives all of the power to the bully and strips away every bit of self-confidence to the victims.

Your attitude is far worse than that of most child bullies because you should seemingly know better. Attitudes like yours are why so many authority figures don't intervene. I mean, what's the point? These kids are pathetic losers that nobody likes. They don't deserve to be treated with respect. What's the point of intervening today if the same thing is going to happen tomorrow, but worse? If a kid asks for assistance, don't do anything because, well, it just escalates. Don't suggest the kid make a friend, because then it's even worse.

Excuse me while I go throw up.

 

[HistoryGal]

It's amusing to me to think that, had I reacted in some way that would have gotten me fired, after so long without a job, there'd be plenty of people here who would have been disappointed in my lack of self-control. Not in me, per se, but in my inability to be mature and refuse to be goaded into getting myself fired. As it stands now, I'm pleased with myself, and I'm the only person who, ultimately, I need to impress. But I also know I haven't let my friends down, either, especially after all they've done to help me get my life back. I'm glad of that, too.

In the end, you're the one who has to decide what hill to die on (metaphorically speaking, of course). You've decided this hill isn't important enough, and I agree with you. On the last day of work, though, have fun and get even!

Anecdote for the day: My mother's in New York right now, and my father gets very lonely when she's gone, so I pay particular attention to him and take him out, keep him company, etc. Today, we went out for lunch, and then ran a bunch of errands we both wanted to do, and finally wound up at the local supermarket he prefers.

We got in the check-out line, and he and the female checker were just have the best time chatting back and forth (no line behind us, so I was okay with it), being nice to each - very, very sweet.

On the way out of the store, I turned to my father and said, "You know that checker you were having such a good time with?" And he replied, "Yes, what about it?" I replied, "When we lived in North Hollywood, she was the neighborhood bully who used to beat me up and steal my bicycle."

Dad just stared at me and said, "You're joking, right?"

"Nope. All true."

Dad apologized for being friendly, but I just laughed and said it was okay with me - that was years and years ago, and besides I got even when she first started working there. She recognized me, and said, "We know each other, don't we?" And I said to her so the whole line behind me could hear, "Yes, you were the neighborhood bully who used to beat me up and steal my bicycle."

After that, she now pretends she doesn't know me. If she hadn't asked originally, I wouldn't have anything. She looks like life's been very hard to her. I have no ill feelings anymore.

I think I didn't hold that much of a grudge because she didn't single me out - she treated every kid in the neighborhood that way. I was part of the group, and I think it just didn't touch me that much.

Also, she always gave back my bike after she stole it.

 

[slingblade]

That? Is the best story.

 

[Uncayimmy]

If she hadn't asked originally, I wouldn't have anything.

Totally out of curiosity and not saying you should have done otherwise, but why did you only choose to say something when she asked? Spur of the moment? Hadn't considered it before? Considered it and thought better of it? Considered it and decided "only if she brings it up?"

 

[bookitty]

Well, you're wrong. It has helped. Your limited experience and capacity to understand social interactions prevent you from understanding.

Limited experience? Just how do you figure that? I am aunt to many children. It's an odd position, neither friend nor authority figure but a little of both. So I hear about friends who shoplift and boys who suddenly seem really amazing and their mothers who are just weird about periods.

And I am the one they come to when their parents hand out advice that is exactly like your prattle. When they are scared of not being taken seriously, when they are frustrated by parents, teachers who keep telling them to change, to suddenly be more self-assured, or friendly. To go along with the joke. To stop encouraging it. To dress "more normal," or to dress prettier. To report every word, to stop being a cry-baby.

I know why the grade A student suddenly started failing all her classes, she thought she could get into a special ed class at another school where she might be safe. I hear about birthday cash spent at the mall and new 'friends' who disappeared when it was gone. I knew when one started started cutting herself.

What happened to these children had nothing to do with them. They were just different enough to catch the attention of a bully. As I said before it's more like stalking. The targeted person hasn't done anything to deserve this intensity of attention but there are few rational solutions that work. A woman who is stalked is told the same thing - get the authorities involved, don't encourage him, change your patterns. The stalker gets through anyway.

 

[Uncayimmy]

Limited experience? Just how do you figure that?

It was self evident. My alternative is to assume you have learned nothing from those experiences.

And I am the one they come to when their parents hand out advice that is exactly like your prattle. When they are scared of not being taken seriously, when they are frustrated by parents, teachers who keep telling them to change, to suddenly be more self-assured, or friendly. To go along with the joke. To stop encouraging it. To dress "more normal," or to dress prettier. To report every word, to stop being a cry-baby.

Here's a clue. All the kids for whom these types of thing work are no longer victims. You then look at the pool of victims and assume that everybody who's left has tried all of those things and failed. Nonsense.

It's not a speech you give, Bookitty. It's teaching and working with an individual over time. It's about making mistakes, adjusting as you go along, and siezing opportunities. You don't say, "Go make a friend" and shoo the kid out the door just as you don't tell them they are powerless to affect the world around them, but at least the former is a step in the right direction.

It all starts when they are young. You teach them these things before it gets to the point where every other child in the school has decided the kid's worthless and they've all developed patterns that are hard to break. You figure out what the kid can and cannot understand about these things and go from there. If you let the patterns get established, then you push on and find ways to make the situation better or at least stop it from getting worse. Yeh, it's hard. So is getting bullied. Even if you can't "make it all go away" you do something besides reinforce a sense of helplessness.

Sell your defeatist ******** to somebody else. I'm not buying.

 

[bookitty]

It was self evident. My alternative is to assume you have learned nothing from those experiences.



Here's a clue. All the kids for whom these types of thing work are no longer victims. You then look at the pool of victims and assume that everybody who's left has tried all of those things and failed. Nonsense.

It's not a speech you give, Bookitty. It's teaching and working with an individual over time. It's about making mistakes, adjusting as you go along, and siezing opportunities. You don't say, "Go make a friend" and shoo the kid out the door just as you don't tell them they are powerless to affect the world around them, but at least the former is a step in the right direction.

It all starts when they are young. You teach them these things before it gets to the point where every other child in the school has decided the kid's worthless and they've all developed patterns that are hard to break. You figure out what the kid can and cannot understand about these things and go from there. If you let the patterns get established, then you push on and find ways to make the situation better or at least stop it from getting worse. Yeh, it's hard. So is getting bullied. Even if you can't "make it all go away" you do something besides reinforce a sense of helplessness.

Sell your defeatist ******** to somebody else. I'm not buying.

I know from experience that getting the child out of that school works better than a pat on the head and a pep talk about banding together. To you that would be running away or "not facing the problem" which puts all the responsibility on the child being targeted.

Actually, all of your suggestions put the burden on the child who has done nothing wrong and yet finds themselves constantly attacked. I find it curious that you can not imagine the bully being at fault in any way.

 

[Uncayimmy]

I know from experience that getting the child out of that school works better than a pat on the head and a pep talk about banding together. To you that would be running away or "not facing the problem" which puts all the responsibility on the child being targeted.

Try this: If you want to know if I would call that running away from the problem, why don't you ask me instead of stating my position for me? Quite frankly I'm a little sick and tired of people stating my positions for me and then having to deal with other people believing those lies.

There are many courses of action. Sometimes a fresh start is a good thing. Retreating is a valid strategy when used correctly. Sometimes it makes things worse.

So, what happens at the old school? Does some new victim fill the void in the exact same way as the old victim? Does the bullying stop? What changes? Anything? If something does change, that's evidence that the victim's actions have an influence on the situation.

What happens at the new school? Do you assume all of the victim slots are already filled and that the child will be bully-free?

Of course, this poor girl whose self-esteem was wrecked will once again be faced with a teacher telling the kids to form groups. Only now she's the new kid. Yeh, I'm sure she's gonna be real happy about that! Of course, if you've taken the time to discuss with her all the things I mentioned, maybe she handles the situation in a way that makes it less stressful.

Maybe when she wears lip gloss the second week of school and some girl teases her about being beautiful, she can respond in a way that makes it less appealing to the bully. Maybe, based on our conversations, she can say, "Yeh, I was just trying it out. I love your make-up. What do you use?"

But if she repeats her old behavior, then she'll be a victim again, and the cycle will repeat. Only this time whatever was left of her self-esteem is totally wrecked. At least at the old school she could blame it on the other kids, but a second school? "Surely, there's something wrong with me. No matter where I go, everybody hates me. Thanks, Auntie Boo!"

So, whether switching schools will help depends entirely upon the situation.

Actually, all of your suggestions put the burden on the child who has done nothing wrong and yet finds themselves constantly attacked. I find it curious that you can not imagine the bully being at fault in any way.

That is nothing more than a blatant lie. I have repeatedly stated my disdain for bullies and have laid the blame for their actions squarely at their feet. I have personally intervened on behalf of victims when I wasn't in a position of authority or obligated to do so. When you've been a bystander on equal footing and have knocked some bully on his ass, then you can talk to me about how I don't "blame" bullies. Until then it's just a bunch of worthless talk.

Dogs bite. They shouldn't, but they do. There are things you can do to lessen your chances of being bitten by a dog. Discussing those things in no way blames the dog bite victim, excuses the dog, or is a vote against animal control laws. If we were talking about con artists swindling people, nobody would be bitching about a discussion on ways to reduce your chances of being victimized. Why is bullying so different?

 

[HistoryGal]

Totally out of curiosity and not saying you should have done otherwise, but why did you only choose to say something when she asked? Spur of the moment? Hadn't considered it before? Considered it and thought better of it? Considered it and decided "only if she brings it up?"

I recognized her immediately that first time, but I made a decision not to say anything unless she brought it up first. My primary purpose in the store was to buy groceries, not to get even with a former bully.

I also chose to not say anything unless she did because she's a checker at a supermarket - I could have made a scene, torn her apart with words and humiliated her with no prompting from her, and she would have had no recourse at all because to do so would put her job at risk. However, my sense of fair play would not allow that. It would have made me the bully. I was taught to respond, not initiate.

I seldom shop at that store, but my father likes it, and if he wants to be open and friendly with her (which is his standard default with people in service positions), I have no problem with that. She has no power to hurt me - quite the reverse, actually, now. She chooses to forget who I am, and I let her forget. If I wind up in her line, I'm polite without being friendly - politeness she deserves, friendliness she does not.

 

[Uncayimmy]

Thanks for answering.

 

[Northern_warrior]

I were always told to stand up for myself,I did get in a lot of fights when I was a kid,but I cant say I was bullied really..and we moved around alot too due to my father being in the military..

 

[slingblade]

I changed schools and states the summer before my senior year.

My mom was from Colorado, and she had an opportunity to go home. There was a decent job waiting for her, an apartment near my widowed grandmother, and a school next to the apartments. We talked about it, and I begged to go. I could have stayed with my brother for senior year, and in other circumstances, that would have been fine. But I wanted away from it, so we went.

Much to my surprise, I wasn't bullied once in my new school. In fact, I was...popular! I had a ton of friends, constant dates to dances, and great teachers. School was great! I still cried sometimes, out of regret for all the years of hell. It was the first time no one called me ugly, stupid, or any of the other names I'd lived with for 12 years. The first time I wasn't afraid to go to school. My only wish was that we'd done it sooner, before school had been ruined utterly for me.

I don't know that anything about me or my behavior changed at the start of that year. I don't recall making any deliberate effort not to behave in certain ways, because I'd never known what caused the bullying in the past. Nothing seemed to cause it but my mere presence, and I'm sure that's because I'd gone to school with the same kids all those years. They knew my buttons, how to push them, and when. In the new school, no one knew me.

Apparently, I hadn't been doing anything that would have brought bullying on me, as the new kids didn't bully me at all. They liked me, sought my company, and it was the best year of school I would ever have.

It won't work for everyone, because each situation is different, and no single solution is the single answer. But it worked for me.

 

[whatthebutlersaw]

So, what happens at the old school? Does some new victim fill the void in the exact same way as the old victim? Does the bullying stop? What changes? Anything? If something does change, that's evidence that the victim's actions have an influence on the situation.

Oh, so now the targeted child is responsible, not only for their own situation, but also for any other children the bullies might turn their attention to when the bullied child ungenerously remove their targetable selves from the situation?

All through this, none of the adults in the situation - and especially not the bully - have any responsibility whatsoever?

Do you see why people see a difference in RSL's charting of Sylvia Browne and your own obsessive stalking of VFF? Certainly people like VFF need to be pulled up on their ********, but by intelligent, rational and well mannered people like RSL - not by rabid bullies.

You have all but proclaimed yourself "Bully and Proud" in this thread - not least by your insidious and insinuant remarks to Bookitty where you stop short of outright name calling only because you think no one can see how you do that covertly with how you poison the well and argue from incredulity against her arguments.

You make blanket assertions about situations you clearly know nothing about and try to elevate yourself to ideal by passively aggressively labelling anyone who sees the situation in a more nuanced way either ignorant or professional victim. You self aggrandize and put down and you try to deny it, but we all see it. We all see you for what you are and there is nothing you can do about that. The fact that the first victim you picked when you came to JREF was someone wildly impopular does not change the fact that the way you went about it was as a bully. Now that you are picking on someone a lot more popular, this is underlined as you use the same tactics.

Actually, you highlight one of the problems with mobbing/bullying: the way the situation must be seen in its context. At a forum, we can only make rules not to use certain words etc. People like you then decide that if there is no particular rule about it, then you are free to treat other people as you like, as long as you don't cuss them out.

The fact that you show a complete inability to understand any other situation, or any other reaction, than your own and that you don't understand that other people will still see your behaviour for what it is, makes you fit the profile of a bully. To a tee. I'm sure this tactic usually works for you, as there aren't any official infractions to pull you up about and most people are loath to engage with a bully.

 

[TragicMonkey]

I changed schools and states the summer before my senior year.

....

It won't work for everyone, because each situation is different, and no single solution is the single answer. But it worked for me.

My dad was in the Navy, so I switched schools at least every two years. It seemed random whether it would be a good experience or bad. I could go from one school where I was bullied horribly to another where I was actually one of the popular kids with lots of friends, and vice versa. That sometimes happened when I switched schools along with the same people because the next grade went to another school. Hell, I went to one school for my freshman year and was bullied, moved away for two years, and moved back for my senior year. The same people who bullied me three years earlier didn't remember me at all, and didn't bully me.

The thing is, bullying doesn't have underlying rationale behind it. It's senseless. How can you avert something that's apparently random? How could I be a popular fourth grader, despised and bullied fifth grader, and then back to popularity in sixth grade? But that's what happened, and you can see it from my birthday photos and, sadly, medical records.

 

[whatthebutlersaw]

My dad was in the Navy, so I switched schools at least every two years. It seemed random whether it would be a good experience or bad. I could go from one school where I was bullied horribly to another where I was actually one of the popular kids with lots of friends, and vice versa. That sometimes happened when I switched schools along with the same people because the next grade went to another school. Hell, I went to one school for my freshman year and was bullied, moved away for two years, and moved back for my senior year. The same people who bullied me three years earlier didn't remember me at all, and didn't bully me.

The thing is, bullying doesn't have underlying rationale behind it. It's senseless. How can you avert something that's apparently random? How could I be a popular fourth grader, despised and bullied fifth grader, and then back to popularity in sixth grade? But that's what happened, and you can see it from my birthday photos and, sadly, medical records.

Well, shame on you for moving away and moving your bullies' focus to someone else.

 

[Uncayimmy]

Oh, so now the targeted child is responsible, not only for their own situation, but also for any other children the bullies might turn their attention to when the bullied child ungenerously remove their targetable selves from the situation?

All through this, none of the adults in the situation - and especially not the bully - have any responsibility whatsoever?

Where do you come up with this stuff? Seriously. These emotional reactions and absurd twisting of meanings is ridiculous, especially in light of numerous clarifications on my part. I mean, you even quoted what I wrote, then totally blew the interpretation. Here's exactly what I wrote, and it explains the point of the questions:

If something does change, that's evidence that the victim's actions have an influence on the situation.

The argument keeps getting made that a victim has no influence on the situation. If that's true, then victims should be interchangeable, but they are not. Therefore, each victim brings something unique to the table. Therefore, we should look at those things.

None of that "excuses" bullies or adults. How many times do I need to say that? Hell, how many people are going to make the same stupid leap of illogic?

<Pointless personal attacks snipped. You got something to say about StopVFF, register on the site and say it directly.>

You make blanket assertions about situations you clearly know nothing about and try to elevate yourself to ideal by passively aggressively labelling anyone who sees the situation in a more nuanced way either ignorant or professional victim.

You have no idea what passive-aggressive means. Google it. When you're ready with a more accurate insult, let me know.

As for how I see the situations described, you've got it backwards. I see it far more nuanced than they do. I don't say things will always or never work. I say there are many different circumstances where different things can influence the situation.

You self aggrandize and put down and you try to deny it, but we all see it.

Wonderful. I'm a self-aggrandizing insulter. Put me on ignore if you don't like me. Report my posts if they violate the Membership Agreement. But, really, stop the whining and discuss in what ways my arguments are valid or not.

We all see you for what you are and there is nothing you can do about that. The fact that the first victim you picked when you came to JREF was someone wildly impopular does not change the fact that the way you went about it was as a bully. Now that you are picking on someone a lot more popular, this is underlined as you use the same tactics.

What a pack of lies.

* Check this and this nomination for The Language Award I received for VFF related posts that are the antithesis of bullying, the former being how I first tried to engage VFF.

* Was it VFF or myself who was suspended and eventually banned from these forums for repeated personal attacks and threatening the moderators?

* After I banned VFF from my board for threatening me and others, she then took advantage of the blog commenting system to make more personal attacks thus forcing me to ban her IP address.

* As for your lie about stalking, have I or any of the other Meanies registered on VFF's discussion board? Did I ever call VFF on the phone or was it she who repeatedly harassed me? After I told VFF never to contact me again, how many thousands of words did she send me via e-mail?

* Since being banned from here and my board, VFF has taken her act to writing comments in blogs, most of which are simply ignored for the trolling they are.

This is not the place to get into the whole VFF thing, but I just don't want to let your lies stand. Your notions of what constitutes bullying are absurd and based on your emotional perceptions of victims and not at all based in reality.

Actually, you highlight one of the problems with mobbing/bullying: the way the situation must be seen in its context. At a forum, we can only make rules not to use certain words etc. People like you then decide that if there is no particular rule about it, then you are free to treat other people as you like, as long as you don't cuss them out.

Go through this thread and see who has been personally attacked and called names. See who has been ganged up on by a number of people, all of whom are claiming that they can see what I am "really" doing despite my claims otherwise. How many times have you and others assigned positions to me that not only don't I hold but have explicitly denied? Many of the studies I cited about bullying talked about how many victims were either bullies at the same time or later became bullies.

The fact that you show a complete inability to understand any other situation, or any other reaction, than your own and that you don't understand that other people will still see your behaviour for what it is, makes you fit the profile of a bully. To a tee. I'm sure this tactic usually works for you, as there aren't any official infractions to pull you up about and most people are loath to engage with a bully.

Thanks for your little essay on what you think of me personally. It's really quite flattering. Would you like an autographed photo? If you're done gushing now, would you care to actually address the argument rather than the arguer?

 

[Uncayimmy]

The thing is, bullying doesn't have underlying rationale behind it. It's senseless. How can you avert something that's apparently random? How could I be a popular fourth grader, despised and bullied fifth grader, and then back to popularity in sixth grade? But that's what happened, and you can see it from my birthday photos and, sadly, medical records.

So, because you, as a child, could not see any differences in your behavior, it must be completely random? Do you not understand that as children grow up, they change? Quite a bit, actually, so to say that everything was the same each year is simply not reasonable. More importantly, are you saying that it would be "blaming the victim" to examine what was different in those three grades to see if there are any strategies people can adopt to avoid being bullying?

It's not just a matter of averting a bullying event, though that's part of it. The fact that it's not possible to guarantee that you can avoid being targeted does not mean you cannot influence the situation. How you behave in seemingly unrelated situations affects how people perceive you. If you do end up a target, how you handle that situation will have an influence on where it goes from there. And if you happen to be involved in a research study, if you react strongly and get into a one-time altercation, it won't even be counted as a bullying event.

I find it absurd that people make blanket conclusions that nothing the victim does could possibly make the situation better for themselves. Everyone seems to agree the victim can make it worse, but those of who suggest there might be ways to improve the situation are accused of blaming victims.

 

[bookitty]

So, because you, as a child, could not see any differences in your behavior, it must be completely random? Do you not understand that as children grow up, they change? Quite a bit, actually, so to say that everything was the same each year is simply not reasonable. More importantly, are you saying that it would be "blaming the victim" to examine what was different in those three grades to see if there are any strategies people can adopt to avoid being bullying?

It's not just a matter of averting a bullying event, though that's part of it. The fact that it's not possible to guarantee that you can avoid being targeted does not mean you cannot influence the situation. How you behave in seemingly unrelated situations affects how people perceive you. If you do end up a target, how you handle that situation will have an influence on where it goes from there. And if you happen to be involved in a research study, if you react strongly and get into a one-time altercation, it won't even be counted as a bullying event.

I find it absurd that people make blanket conclusions that nothing the victim does could possibly make the situation better for themselves. Everyone seems to agree the victim can make it worse, but those of who suggest there might be ways to improve the situation are accused of blaming victims.

As I have said repeatedly, bullying in school is equivalent to stalking in adulthood. The person targeted has done nothing to deserve the inappropriate response.

Would you give the same advice to a woman who was being stalked?

 

[Uncayimmy]

I changed schools and states the summer before my senior year.

<snip>

It won't work for everyone, because each situation is different, and no single solution is the single answer. But it worked for me.

Glad to hear it (no sarcasm intended). In other posts I referred to the "dance" victims and bullies engage in. It's the same with any relationship - we form patterns of behavior that we repeat. People assign us roles based on they perceive our behavior, and it can be very difficult to change those roles. Who knows? Maybe (not making any accusations) for six months during puberty you were an annoying, geeky kid who was overly sensitive and mishandled a few situations in front of the wrong people, and for whatever reason you were unable to change how you were perceived. It might have been impossible for you to do it. And because you are human, the natural reaction to being treated as X is to respond with X-like tendencies.

You go to a new school where nobody treats you like that, so you don't react in ways that reinforce that notion. Maybe you even react the same way you always reacted, but instead of seeing an overly sensitive geek they see a compassionate and unique individual. Same actions, different perceptions. In that case a fresh start is just what the doctor ordered.

The kid in my example who was the worst victim of bullying I had ever seen was a transfer student. It took all of about a day before the patterns reasserted themselves. He was transferred again, but I doubt things changed, especially considering how his life ended up (being an independent candidate for governor advocating release of all prisoners and secession from the union).

And in the middle are all sorts of other kids with their own unique issues. I don't think it's wrong to look at each case and figure out what, if anything, the kid can do on her own to make the situation better. That's not blaming the victim. That's helping the victim since transferring schools is rarely an option.

 

[Dunstan]

As I have said repeatedly, bullying in school is equivalent to stalking in adulthood. The person targeted has done nothing to deserve the inappropriate response.

To quote Clint Eastwood's character in Unforgiven, "deserve's got nothing to do with it."

I don't think anyone in this thread is claiming that people deserve to be bullied. There is an argument (boy, is there an argument!) about whether there is anything one can do to prevent or stop being bullied.