I hurt for you slingblade. It isn't fine, I'm sorry. It is fine for me now since I was able to get help. I couldn't have done it on my own. I certainly don't expect that you could. I'm lucky to live in a place where we pay monthly health insurance and have universal healthcare for some things. I didn't have to pay for any of the therapy I got. I had given up at one point too, but luckily managed got help that was actually available.
I know, very much, you didn't mean anything hurtful by saying it's fine. I know you were just trying to validate me, who I am, how I am. I do know that, honest. I'm not upset with you for saying it, either. But it isn't a reflection of my reality right now, and I guess I needed you to know that.
I can remember commercials from my childhood that said "Just be yourself!" and thinking, so angrily, "But no one likes this person! I have to pretend to be someone else, I can't just let go and be me. I mess it all up when I do."
Why do people have to heap punishment on top of it? That is the most unfair thing of all, to heap that, and their frustration with you, on top of everything else. Being mean doesn't help anyone. It is the lack of understanding that makes them do it though.
I know. It really surprised me that none of the people I was trying to work with "got" me. I had a lot of education about all kinds of kids, learning types, personalities, disabilities, differences...it's as if none of them knew any of that, but I sure expected them to, since they just spent all that time teaching it to me!
At the school where I work, I've recognized when a student needs a certain kind of help that others don't need. Just being kind can calm a person down, and then showing them the steps from the beginning can go a long way. Then everyone is happy. I know others that work there and just say to these students "I don't know why you aren't getting it". It's because the other staff member isn't being nice and is not showing them another way to do it. Getting frustrated with a student who learns differenly only compounds the problem. I've been told I'm the only reason some students got through their programs. But, the other staff say I "baby" some students too much, like the students deserve to fail without help and deserve the disdain they get from people who don't understand. I haven't been fired though, since getting students graduated is the name of the game in the long run.
Those kids are certainly lucky to have you.
You've tried to follow your dreams. I admire that you've tried.
Thanks for that.
I'm sad to say the experience taught me why we call them "dreams." They never come true. They're just fantasies. I know I won't have another, believe me. The world has done just fine without my help all these years, and they can just continue to get along. I no longer really care.
Is it okay to be home now and get some peace from the world. I know it would be nice to contribute to the household income and interact with your granddaughter. Baby steps? Once you feel you can try again. Just one thing, like trying with your granddaughter and not worrying about working? It sounds like you've been through enough, and need a break. I don't know. Just wishing it could be better all of a sudden, but I know it takes time and taking on one thing at a time. Damn. Wishing I could reach through the net and give ya a hug.
You have done, and thanks for that.
It is okay, for now. I'm lucky in my husband. He does get it, does understand. He watched me work my butt off for 5 years, only to get done in at the very end, and over nothing, really. The problems I had could have been solved fairly easily, had anyone known what to do, or cared enough to do it. I was just being taught the wrong way, and being held to blame for not being able to learn that way.
But my hubby really does get it, and told me only recently that he knew I needed a break, and that we neither of us know for how long. That if I could just continue to try to bring in whatever income I could manage with my jewelry making and crafts (I'm actually pretty good; that eye for detail helps me make some really artful things in many media), we'd get by until we could figure out some help for me. He even lets me play computer games, because he knows I benefit from the concentration they require. I have to think so hard about them, I can't think about all the stuff that torments me, too.
We're moving in with his son. Instead of my own home, I get a bedroom and the garage for personal space. He had to fight for the garage for me--he knows how much I need that space to myself. And he won, so at least I have that. But it means we can save a little money on expenses now. I can't get help with that money--we have to save it up, to get our own rental place again one day, if we ever can. But we can stop stressing out over $200/month light bills and can split the cable bill, pay the kids reduced rent, share the groceries. It's a breather for a while.
And hey, cyberhugs are almost as good as the real thing. They're certainly just as welcome. Thank you for talking to me. It helped a lot.
