O’Hare UFO Cover-Up Revealed
By Barney Hill
Tribune staff reporter
Published January 2, 2007
Previously classified files regarding the November 7th UFO incident at Chicago’s O’Hare International Airport have been obtained by the Tribune. Despite official denials, FAA logs indicate that air traffic controllers and Department of Homeland Security officials did indeed communicate with extraterrestrial beings that had requested clearance to land their ship.
Clearance was denied due to security concerns, according to the documents. Nevertheless, the alien craft hovered briefly above concourse C of the United Airlines terminal while awaiting instructions for a departure route through the crowded airspace. During those minutes DHS agents learned that the aliens had intended to negotiate with a UAL passenger for ownership of a weeping Madonna painting that he was planning to transport to his home.
Upon questioning, Hector Valenzuela, 43, of Roswell, New Mexico revealed he had come to Chicago knowing it contained the largest number of weeping Madonnas in the world. He claimed to have purchased one in Millennium Park in exchange for $100 and an undisclosed substance. However, after the extraterrestrials contacted him on his cell phone while he was in the airport security waiting line, Valenzuela said he quickly agreed to an offer of a sip of water from the Fountain of Youth and a guided tour of the alien ship in exchange for the artwork. Federal officials noted a greenish tint to Valenzuela’s complexion, suggesting a close relationship with the extraterrestrials. However, the agents accepted his explanation of having recently consumed a hefty portion of green Loch Ness monster meat.
President George W. Bush, after being advised of the incident, chastised his agents for not allowing the flying saucer to land. Bush lamented, “These were obviously creatures of faith who should have been treated with greater respect.”
Meanwhile, the Tribune has learned that witnesses to the UFO’s movements near O’Hare have hired Johnny Cochran to handle their defamation of character lawsuit against the US government, claiming that early dismissals of their sighting as that of a weather phenomenon were making them laughing stocks among their friends and families. Witness and UAL baggage handler, Chester Wooster, 38, who is a member of the Mutual UFO Network, told the Tribune that Cochran has proven that he can get people to believe the most preposterous things, making him “our kind of guy.”
Actor Dan Aykroyd, a life member of MUFON, took the opportunity to again denounce what he believes is the government’s blanket cover-up of extraterrestrial visitations. The highly regarded celebrity plaintively asked, “How can they continue to deny what we all know in our hearts must be true?”
