That's a non-answer. Just saying "We have rights because we are human!" gets you nowhere.
Let's agree that if rights exist at all then humans have rights.
Now what's your argument for the claim that humans do have rights, and what's your explanation for how you come to know what is a right and what isn't?
Okay, lets try to break this down as simply as possible.
We accept first of all that a lone human, with no other humans around, has the right to do whatever he wants, limited only by the framework of survival.
We further accept that as long as the distance is sufficient that no humans encounter one another, they all maintain these rights.
This seems simple, even your "godly ass fairy" lines can't deny this one.
Now we extrapolate that for humans to live closer together, these rights are naturally limited. This is simply true, as well. If there is one coconut, and one human, the human can eat the coconut. If there are two humans, and one coconut, they can split one, or they one can eat a coconut, but they don't both have a coconut.
The more humans, in the more proximity, the more the rights are limited.
It therefore behooves us to determine which rights are fundamental human rights, and which are not. The right to poop wherever is not fundamental. The right to cut down all the trees you see is not fundamental. So, hmm. How shall we determine which rights are necessary to the human condition, and which are not?
Which arise out of what humans fundamentally are? And which are external?
You see, your entire, complete problem is that you think rights are granted. The man on the desert island is granted rights by no one, but has more rights than anyone. Rights aren't granted.
They are taken away.
Do you see your fundamental, entire problem? You are asking me 'who grants the rights' when the question is 'what rights are fundamental to the human conditions, what rights are human rights, and what rights are external rights?'
Happiness, or preference satisfaction, or whatever metric you choose to use is empirically verifiable to the extent that any social or psychological phenomenon is empirically verifiable. You can ask people if their preferences have been fulfilled, and you can poke them to see what their brains and neurotransmitters are doing.
Whereas there is absolutely no way to tell what rights exist in an empirical way. There is no such thing as a molecule of entitlement or an atom of rightiness.
Ah. So utility is a synonym for happiness. I have always found hedonism a slightly unfulfilling philosophy. It's nice, and it is a good framework to attempt to create ethics without God, but as far as attempts go, I don't think it hit the money.
I hope you don't mind if I cut the riffing of the ol' 4chan step 3: profit! joke, as I already used it in this thread, ironically. It's kind of simply stale when the use isn't ironic.