Just In Time For X-Mas: The ALien Abduction Prevention Helmet!

[Temporal Renegade]

How many times, has this happened to you?

You're driving along a deserted road late at night, minding your own business, when suddenly, there's a bright light, and POP! You've been beamed aboard a UFO! Not only are you probably going to be probed (again!), but now you're going to be late for your anniversary! How can you prevent this?

Why, with the Alien Abduction Prevention Helmet, of course! Not only is it practical, but obviously stylish, as well! Be the envy of all of your abduction-prone friends and family: get yours NOW!!

 

[Evolved Wookie]

Damnit! Just as I was about to get my Abduct-O-No! cummabund into the market! It's equally effective, but not close to being so stylish and understated.

 

[Temporal Renegade]

Damnit! Just as I was about to get my Abduct-O-No! cummabund into the market! It's equally effective, but not close to being so stylish and understated.

But at least yours can be hidden from the Alien Menace a lot easier, making them all frustrated as to why they can't beam up a non-helmet wearer.

 

[Evolved Wookie]

There is that, although the heavy rope that runs from the device to the pre-installed 6' anchored Secure-O-Tronic steel pile is a bit of a give-away.

...I have been experimenting with covering the rope in fake fur to make the aliens think that the used is actually a giant mutated (and therefore non-standard and useless for study) squirrel.

 

[Fishstick]

I have this rock that keeps tigers away, anyone want to buy one?

 

[Evolved Wookie]

Does it come with a calibration certificate?

 

[Temporal Renegade]

There is that, although the heavy rope that runs from the device to the pre-installed 6' anchored Secure-O-Tronic steel pile is a bit of a give-away.

...I have been experimenting with covering the rope in fake fur to make the aliens think that the used is actually a giant mutated (and therefore non-standard and useless for study) squirrel.

I think the squirrel is the accessory that pulls it all together...

 

[madurobob]

From the website:

IF YOU ARE ABDUCTED BY ALIENS THE HELMET WILL WORK FOR YOU

wait, what? Its a time machine?

And, I don't see any protection from anal probing mentioned...

 

[TheDoLittle]

And, I don't see any protection from anal probing mentioned...

One would assume a you can get a jock-strap version of the helmet... although that might just entice the aliens even more.

 

[Bikewer]

Wow, and stylish as well! I can certainly see where an abduction team would have second thoughts about grabbing anyone sporting one of these.

I find that my Glock works just as well....I don't think there's been a single case of some who's "packing" getting abducted.

 

[ferd burfle]

From the "Directions for use" link:

6. Make small holes in top for hot climates.

If the temperature is over 80 degrees F and the helmet is hot to wear, use an awl or similar tool and punch some small holes in the top of the helmet. ​

In view of the presumed mental state/capacity of the intended user, it might not be overkill to remind them to first remove the helmet from their head.

7. Wear the helmet as often as possible.

Once you make a thought screen helmet you must wear it as frequently as possible. The aliens know when you are not wearing it and will take you at that time. Abductees are taken when they are driving cars. They even take children without helmets when they are in school. There are documented cases of children abductees missing during school hours.​

Rest assured the kids at school will not pick on your child.


ferd

 

[Evolved Wookie]

The squirreltastic 'tail' attachment on my own product can easily be turned to the protection of your most probable areas.

 

[biomorph]

From the OP's link:

IT'S BEEN USED SUCCESSFULLY BY FORMER ABDUCTEES FOR NINE YEARS.

Well, thats put my mind at ease........used maybe, prevented abduction's um, how do you test for that....

 

[biomorph]

The squirreltastic 'tail' attachment on my own product can easily be turned to the protection of your most probable areas.

Look, just because your sales haven't taken off, there's no need to punt your tail for free on this forum. Your bill for advertising will be PM'd to you.

Monthly..............

 

[JollyRoger]

Oh common we have been abducting every life form that we feel are less intelligent then ourselves for scientific study for years and we have them stored in jars, draws warehouse ext ext, where do you think they got the idea from.

Looks like a case of dont do as I do, do as I say to me.

any way they pulled me threw a Greatfull dead Steal your face poster once and I thought to myself "I wanna get aggressive but I cant" and they let me go, after they stuck something into my hip bone but then I kept on going off in the metal detectors, so I thought to myself "I keep on trying to adjust the variable capacitor on this alien implant but all I can get is KMET and armed forces radio so they got me again. when I woke up I realized they had no concept of humor and dishonesty for entertainment reasons. until then

and the Fox Mulder has been on my backside ever since

 

[I Ratant]

From the OP's link:



Well, thats put my mind at ease........used maybe, prevented abduction's um, how do you test for that....

.
It's obvious. No one wearing one has been abducted.
But also, no one in the control group without it has been abducted either.

 

[HasKey]

Here's an interesting part:

2. Have a locked cabinet.
Aliens have taken ten helmets from abductees and several Velostat lined baseball caps. If you are not wearing a hat they will go through your entire house looking for them. They will not, however, go into a locked cabinet. Before you make a helmet have some kind of cabinet or trunk that you can lock. That way they won’t take it.
All thought is open and controlled in a telepathic society therefore locks are unnecessary. Aliens are unfamiliar with locks and the concept of a lock.

So can't you just lock your doors at night and be safe? Maybe I should setup a web site selling a pamphlet on how to alien-proof your home with door and window locks, think I'll get rich?

 

[shandyjan]

Here's an interesting part:



So can't you just lock your doors at night and be safe? Maybe I should setup a web site selling a pamphlet on how to alien-proof your home with door and window locks, think I'll get rich?

And a chastity belt will take care of any anal probes!

 

[I Am He]

Do you think this will have any effect on my Tin Foil Hat Business??



I Am He

 

[sg1985]

This site is a joke right? Please tell me it's a joke.