A question for those with personal experience with domestic violence. Did you keep in contact with your abuser after the relationship ended?
I've had to, to an extent, because of our children. I was the sole target of his violent behavior. He couldn't even bring himself to spank them for disciplinary reasons, though he threated it constantly. He never laid a hand on them. Just me. In fact, of all his relationships that I know about, I was the only one he ever hit. It makes me feel as if I must have deserved it or asked for it.
I ask this because a good friend of mine was abused during a previous relationship. She later introduced me to the guy. I was a bit shocked.
They had one incident during their relationship where he ended up dragging her down the street by her hair. He would regularly get out of control and use violence against her. WTF?!
Is it possible to normalise your relationship after something like that?
No, there's nothing normal about our relationship.
His current wife refuses to allow him to talk to me. I used to think that was simply his excuse; that he foisted the blame onto her to get out of having to speak to me. My kids tell me no, she is adamant that he never talk to me. She's very insecure and they tell me she's afraid we'll have an affair. She's afraid he'll sleep with every woman he meets...because he did so when we were married, and the kids told her so.
I attended my son's wedding, which my ex also attended. I embarrassed my children because I couldn't quit crying and shaking when my ex was in the room. I tried very hard to keep it under control, and tried to play it off as a happy mother weeping at her son's wedding kind of thing, but everyone knew I was in total panic at his mere proximity. I'm still ashamed of that, because I shamed my kids.
It was a little better at our granddaughter's first birthday party. I didn't feel at all comfortable with him there, but I wasn't crying and shaking. I think it might have been because my husband was there with me--he hadn't been at the wedding. I was alone, that time.
At the party, the adults who smoked had to go outside. At one point, my ex's adopted son, 2 years old, was playing near a wading pool that still had some water in it. I was outside having a cig at the time, noticed this, and kept him occupied with play until someone could come get him, for fear he might get hurt. I heard my ex call to his wife, with a tone that sounded pleased: "Honey, come look at this! Isn't that sweet?" I don't know if she thought it was nice or not.
My son and I were talking the other night, and he asked me about the violence. I told him what we've said here: that his dad would back me into a corner, getting right in my face, screaming, spitting, refusing to let me move, and if I put my hands on him to move him back so I could get away, he'd smack me hard, claiming I started it because I touched him first.
My son says he still does that, to him, but he's never hit my son. He just backs people into corners when he's enraged. My son says if his dad ever touches him, he'll beat the crap out of him, without hesitation.
I wanted to ask, "So why do you guys keep telling me Dad's changed?" but I didn't. We were finally talking about what happened, and I didn't want to end it by being a smart-ass.
