I was lucky enough to procure an exclusive interview with Herman Cain after the dramatic denouement to his presidential hopes. Here's a transcript:
ME: Mr. Cain, thank you for your time.
CAIN: It's my pleasure to be here.
ME: For quite a while in the recent stages of this race you were set to become the Republican nominee, does it leave a sour taste in your mouth to have quitted so abruptly?
CAIN: No, I have not quit, I simply stopped running.
ME: Are they not one in the same?
CAIN: No, I said I am "suspending" my presidential race, that is the same terminology as "ceasing".
ME: I...
CAIN: I am re-evaluating my position.
ME: Okay...
CAIN: I am reassessing my position.
ME: You're reassessing your position to re-evaluate ceasing running in the race?
CAIN: I am reassessing and re-evaluating my position in this race by ceasing to run.
ME: Oh. Well, moving on, with your accusers having gone public with their extraordinary allegations, do you feel any personal rift between you and them?
CAIN: I thought they were my friends and I feel betrayed by them, but there is no rift between us.
ME: If you could go back in time, would you pay them to keep their accusations private?
CAIN: Yes, I would.
ME: You would bribe them to keep your campaign unblemished?
CAIN: Well, what I would do is make sure I get all the information first and then eventually I would make a decision after I had all the information.
ME: But you could see yourself bribing these women not to publicly defame you?
CAIN: If the circumstances were right, yes I could see myself taking that action.
ME: Really?
CAIN: Actually, no, I would not.
ME: No?
CAIN: No, I, I didn't mean to say that it, it was just, you know, it was moving so fast there I didn't really understand the question.
ME: Sir, I can see your advisor flapping his arms around.
CAIN: Oh...
ME: Yeah, he's only like five metres away.
CAIN: Oh, that's for my asthma.
ME: Your asthma?
CAIN: Look, the bottom line is: I would not bribe those women.
ME: Even though you just... okay, my final question is, what are your thoughts on Newt Gingrich potentially winning the nomination and defeating Obama given the impressive recent support that he has amassed?
CAIN: ...
ME: Newt Gingrich? Your friend and formerly a fellow Republican candidate of yours for this entire race?
CAIN: ...
ME: You've had like seven hundred debates with him.
CAIN: ... Gingrich... Obama... Gingrich...
ME: ...
CAIN: Newt Gingrich is a Republican candidate, correct?
ME: Sir, I...
CAIN: I just wanna make sure we're talking 'bout the same Newt Gingrich here before I say, "Yes, I do," or, "No, I don't."
ME: Yes, the Republican candidate Newt Gingrich, currently leading the polls in the race for the nomination.
CAIN: Let's see... I... do not... agree with... his position.
ME: On what?
CAIN: I... do not agree with... [grabs glass of water]... [drinks water]... [places glass back on table]... how he handled his campaign.
ME: Which aspect?
CAIN: The handling of his campaign.
ME: Yeah, I... oh look, thanks for your time.
CAIN: Thank you.
ME: You have serious issues.
CAIN: Well, I am a very serious man.
ME: Oh sure.
CAIN: Have a great fun.
ME: Wow.