Engaged?

[CFLarsen]

Something struck me recently.

Danes don't get engaged. We tend to skip that part. Usually, people decide to live together, and if people do agree to get married (often after the kids have arrived), it seems like a good occasion to have a great party, fill up the house with blenders and microwave ovens, and get the tax issues out of the way. The latter matters a lot here.

In this day and age, what's the point of getting engaged? Historically speaking, getting engaged apparently was to ensure that someone could make a fuss, if "legal impediments" were discovered.

Let's face it: Betrothal is ridiculous: What will you do, if your betrothed one breaks up with you? Sue for breach of promise? So much for female empowerment.

Today, it seems more like a tradition for the sake of tradition. But what is the point of upholding a tradition, if it doesn't mean anything?

What about your country? Do people (still) get engaged? If so, why?

 

[mgidm86]

As a newlywed (married 7 days now) my engagement was simply the amount of time necessary to plan the wedding ceremony after proposing marriage to my wife-to-be. Our wedding was small and was planned and completed in 2 weeks.

In my personal experience, being engaged was "necessary". The answer to your question seemed obvious to me at first. However, some people remain engaged for years...I don't know why that is. Hmmmm.....

 

[Miss Anthrope]

Another reason I'm like a Dane I guess. This is exactly what I did, barring the kids first. There was no official engagement. I had a child from a previous marriage, there were legal concerns regarding the future, so we said "Oh, I guess we'll get married to settle that."

Had a party. The bride wore red.

 

[Cain]

Engagement is a way to draw out the process. American girls are indoctrinated from an early age, and it's not unheard of to start wedding planning at the age of 12. Sure, a lot of people will dismiss that as idle kid's play, but they're mistaken. The whole thing is deranged. Even if there was only one bridal magazine then things would be ridiculous. There's this whole marriage industry and it's obscene.

 

[tkingdoll]

I don't understand engagements. Either you want to get married or you don't. If you do, what's stopping you?

Ah, yes, of course. The three years of saving up to pay for the huge dress that looks like a cake, and the huge cake that looks like a dress. Plus food for hundreds of guests, pink dresses for your fiance's nieces to wear as bridesmaids, groom, best man and usher outfits, gifts for them all, flowers, favours, balloons, decorations, invites, disco/band, and so on.

Which is fine if that's what rings your bell.

However, what annoys me is that during this period the woman will wear an engagement ring but the man will not. That seems to me like the man has marked his territory but feels no obligation to reciprocate in a public showing of 'I'm taken, thanks'. Why not pee on her leg to leave a scent while he's at it?

We were never engaged, but then again we were married within months of meeting. And we had a very simple wedding and spent all our cash on a massive honeymoon instead. We did say no gifts, but people seem to hate that, so we asked for music gift vouchers so we could get CDs and movies. Much better than endless toasters.

I have observed two types of engagements. Those where the couple really do intend to get married, and need a few years to plan and save. Groovy. Then there is the other type of engagement, where the woman is demanding 'a ring on her finger' and the guy complies to keep her quiet while he looks for a better model. I have seen this many times, sometimes with the gender reversed. Usually it's couples who are late teens.

I also know women who demanded to get engaged because they wanted a diamond. And I know women who got married because they wanted the fairytale wedding, with little thought to the less fairytale-ish life they'd have to live with the guy afterwards.

Amusingly, there's a pre-engagement thing you can do called 'getting eternitised'. I guess it's the promise that one day you might promise that one day you might promise to stay together forever. Or something.

 

[Ryokan]

Strangely enough, in Norway it's the opposite. I know a whole bunch of people who are engaged, but have made no plans to marry. When I inform them that engagement is a result of asking your beloved to marry, most are quite surprised. In other words, 'engagement' has lost its meaning here.

 

[quixotecoyote]

Speaking as someone who is engaged, I agree with the incomprehension in this thread. My fiancee has been hoping for a big fancy wedding since she was in junior high as a way (she's hinted to me) of showing up people who told her she'd never find somebody.

Now if it was me, I'd let it go since those people don't care what she does and probably won't even notice. But since it matters to her, we're having a long engagement so she can plan the perfect (and brutally expensive) wedding. I just try not to think about it too much.

 

[Ryokan]

Oh, I'm actually engaged myself. Sort of. I think.

 

[kmortis]

Oh, I'm actually engaged myself. Sort of. I think.

Goats don't count, Ryo.

 

[roger]

never mind.

 

[Hokulele]

I was engaged for 4 years before getting married. We met while I was still in school, and although we planned to marry, coursework came first. For us, the engagement was more a statement of intent for our families than much of anything else. And no, we did not have a big wedding. It was a beach party/clambake that we just happened to get married in the middle of. The largest expense was 100 pounds of Maine lobster purchased right of the boat. (Drool, drool, drool.)

 

[Caius Textor]

It´s really unusual to get engaged in here in the traditional sense, and even those numbers are deminishing. Usually people "engage" when they can´t afford to get married right away, or when they find out there´s a kid on the way.
This tends to vary a lot though, our culture is not very homogeneous.

I moved in with my then-girlfriend 2 years ago. Shortly after that we adopted "husband" and "wife" styles even though we didn´t sign any papers. We will when I graduate, even though the law here would treat us as married anyway.

 

[Orphia Nay]

I'd known my husband 2 months before he proposed, and we got married 2 days after that. We had no engagement ring or specially-bought wedding rings. Our 16th anniversary is in a couple of months.

As a newlywed (married 7 days now) my engagement was simply the amount of time necessary to plan the wedding ceremony after proposing marriage to my wife-to-be. Our wedding was small and was planned and completed in 2 weeks.

In my personal experience, being engaged was "necessary". The answer to your question seemed obvious to me at first. However, some people remain engaged for years...I don't know why that is. Hmmmm.....

Congratulations, newlyweds!

Oh, I'm actually engaged myself. Sort of. I think.

Congratulations! I think.

 

[Marquis de Carabas]

However, what annoys me is that during this period the woman will wear an engagement ring but the man will not. That seems to me like the man has marked his territory but feels no obligation to reciprocate in a public showing of 'I'm taken, thanks'. Why not pee on her leg to leave a scent while he's at it?

Because humans have poor sense of smell compared to other mammals, so potential romantic rivals might not notice, particularly in light of most women's fascination with such arcane rituals as showering and applying all manner of strange smelly ointments to every available piece of skin. This is why the best option is for the man to brand his fiancee on the forehead.

 

[Ratatoskr]

Strangely enough, in Norway it's the opposite. I know a whole bunch of people who are engaged, but have made no plans to marry. When I inform them that engagement is a result of asking your beloved to marry, most are quite surprised. In other words, 'engagement' has lost its meaning here.

That sounds about right yes. I know of many couples that have gotten engaged, for no specific reason. Most of them never got married, they broke up.

If I were getting engaged, it would be to "pronounce" that the person I was getting engaged to was the person I wanted to be with for the rest of my life (yeah, I'm a sucker for traditions), but to get married was something that needed some more planning.

In my family, I know when people gets engaged if often mean "we've started planning our wedding, see you in 1-2 years"

 

[CFLarsen]

my engagement was simply the amount of time necessary to plan the wedding ceremony after proposing marriage to my wife-to-be. Our wedding was small and was planned and completed in 2 weeks.

Those where the couple really do intend to get married, and need a few years to plan and save.

we're having a long engagement so she can plan the perfect (and brutally expensive) wedding.

But, Shirley, it is possible to plan ahead without getting engaged?

For us, the engagement was more a statement of intent for our families than much of anything else.

Here, that may happen in some religious families, but in everyday Dane-life, it would be incomprehensible. That's simply not the families' business to know if the couple intend to get married or not. A family inquiring "Well, are you two going to get married or not?" is something of the past.

Because humans have poor sense of smell compared to other mammals, so potential romantic rivals might not notice, particularly in light of most women's fascination with such arcane rituals as showering and applying all manner of strange smelly ointments to every available piece of skin. This is why the best option is for the man to brand his fiancee on the forehead.

You know, there's a time and place for the scientific explanation...

 

[athon]

Well Noblecaboose and I are engaged. That means we discussed it, came to the conclusion that it was what we both wanted, and are now going about the paperwork and organising of events. We didn't have an engagement party or anything but we did tell people our intentions.

I'm assuming, however, that 'engaged' means something else in the context of this thread. I mean, I can't foresee people coming to a conclusion that they want to marry and then file the papers and arrange the services that very same moment.

Athon

 

[tkingdoll]

But, Shirley, it is possible to plan ahead without getting engaged?

You must have missed the 'marking of territory' bit in my post. How do you stop your woman finding a better man during the planning stage? Buy her a diamond! How do you stop other men approaching your woman during the planning stage? Brand her forehead!

etc

I completely agree that it's possible to plan ahead without being engaged. But I guess people like to label the section of time in between the 'yes let's' and 'I do'. Plus, it's always handy to have a practice run, I suppose. If you decide you are uncomfortable with the commitment of being engaged, then it's fortunate you didn't go all the way and get married. Better to break off an engagement than a marriage.

ooh, spin-off thread idea: why do women find diamonds so attractive? Is it just what they represent, is the way they look, a combination of both? Years of canny marketing? Diamonds seem to have a unique position, but many other stones are prettier and more expensive.

 

[geni]

But, Shirley, it is possible to plan ahead without getting engaged?

Sure but it is a convient way to tell everyone else to start planning

Here, that may happen in some religious families, but in everyday Dane-life, it would be incomprehensible. That's simply not the families' business to know if the couple intend to get married or not. A family inquiring "Well, are you two going to get married or not?" is something of the past.

If you don't tell the family/friends:
1)they may not show up
2)Tradition demands that you get married in Gretna Green and these days that would require you to spend 3 weeks in Scotland


The other thing is demark hasn't fought worth a damn since the Second Schleswig War so the number of young men going off to war and worried about their ladies staying faithful has been limited.

 

[Tanja]

This thread reminded me of the following quote I remember reading once (from Dave Barry, apparently)

Have you ever wondered why it takes a bride months and months to plan a wedding, but a good funeral can be pulled together in two days? The elements are all the same—church, minister, music, flowers, guests, food.

I recently went to a wedding that has been planned for over two years. It was supposed to happen last year, but they could not get the restaurant they wanted wit the band they wanted etc, so they postponed it. The wedding was great, but I am glad mine was smaller and more spontaneous. My husband and I never got engaged, we just decided it was time to get married.