Being bullied

[foxholeatheist]

I thought about this some and you know, I've been on both sides of the stick as I am fairly sure we all have. I'm sure most of us have bullied and most of us have been been bullied. Both as children and also as we get a little older.

It's not a crisis. It's not extreme abuse. I believe it's normal human behavior.

Somewhere along the line many of you picked up the idea that you deserve to live in a world where no one would ever make fun of you or hurt you and anything other than that is somehow abnormal. Negative.

Seriously. Punch them in the throat. Or it's social, non-violent equal, whatever the situation calls for. Luckily I was raised in the real world where not everyone likes me, I am not special and not everyone is my buddy and I can cope, even thrive under stress.

 

[slingblade]

The difference between childhood and adulthood is that some of us grow up and some of us don't.

Well, I know I never have p), but I at least know how to be professional at work.

See my post on my childhood bully issues to see that had I seen what had happened to you, I would have intervened. Loudly.

I wish I could have intervened for myself, but I didn't dare. I must have this job. There are no others available to me right now. So I can't let myself do anything that might jeopardize it. I didn't even want to complain about this incident, but decided I couldn't live with myself if I just passively accepted this. So, I complained. I will likely lose my job over it, eventually. As soon as everyone forgets... But for my own sake, at least I said something and didn't just swallow.

Well that's good then - you're not being singled out. And I'm sure the BOSS is compiling his/her own dossier on the troublemaker. You have to lay down that paper trail!

I'm afraid not. See, every single one of us is a temporary employee. All the supervisors, of every level, were picked from the available pool of employees, and they're just as temporary as the grunts. None of them really cares about what happens in the office, so long as this work gets done.

The BOSS runs the entire office. Below her are managers. Below the managers are the supervisors, and below them are the grunts. It took two days to get any word about any action to be taken--my friend, another grunt, asked the BOSS each day how her talk with the supervisor went. First day, she said she hadn't spoken to her yet. Second day, she said her manager talked to her. I imagine the "talk" went something like "don't antagonize the peons right now; we need them. Later, we'll take care of her."

I've yet to receive an apology, and know that I never will. Nothing changed, except I've put my job at risk. /shrug.

But at least the other thing my friend and I complained about--the effigy that same supervisor had made from office materials and hung on the wall, mocking the intelligence of another grunt in the office--was finally removed. It had hung there for about two weeks, but no one dared remove it, since the supervisor or her suck-ups would have seen us.

Yeah, some people never do grow up, do they?

Yay cookies!

I enjoyed being able to splurge on a simple box of cookies, because I has a paycheck and I can. People often bring in goodies, and it feels good to participate.

 

[TragicMonkey]

Somewhere along the line many of you picked up the idea that you deserve to live in a world where no one would ever make fun of you or hurt you and anything other than that is somehow abnormal. Negative.

Seriously. Punch them in the throat. Or it's social, non-violent equal, whatever the situation calls for. Luckily I was raised in the real world where not everyone likes me, I am not special and not everyone is my buddy and I can cope, even thrive under stress.

Yeah, that's it. The victims deserve it, and not only that, but they are arrogant and thinking they're special because they don't believe they deserve it.

Did you really come into this thread to boast about how together you are, that you weren't hurt by bullying, and tell those of us who were that we're wimps? Seriously? Would you say this to a child who is being bullied?

Thanks. Thanks very much for displaying the sort of attitude that makes bullying so bad. The worst part of bullying isn't what the kids do to each other, it's the betrayal by the parents and teachers, adults who are supposed to protect the children but who refuse, because it's "part of growing up". So bullied kids are left on their own, to figure out your very sophisticated life lesson, at eight years old. Great!

Read the OP again. Go meet Library Lady, one of the sweetest and kindest ladies around, and look her in the eye and tell her she should have "manned up" and taken it, and punched throats. Disregard everything she wrote, disregard her pain. It's just a normal part of growing up, after all.

And hey! Go tell that to the kid in the news story Lisa posted, too! And how about all the kids who actually kill themselves because they were bullied? Want to go tell that to their parents?

 

[slingblade]

I thought about this some and you know, I've been on both sides of the stick as I am fairly sure we all have. I'm sure most of us have bullied and most of us have been been bullied. Both as children and also as we get a little older.

It's not a crisis. It's not extreme abuse. I believe it's normal human behavior.

This only means you've never experienced this as extreme abuse. You seem unable to understand what happens to a person when this kind of behavior starts when you are very young, and continues on a daily basis for years.

Somewhere along the line many of you picked up the idea that you deserve to live in a world where no one would ever make fun of you or hurt you and anything other than that is somehow abnormal. Negative.

We picked up that idea from being the ones who were so often singled out for negative attention, while noticing that some of our peers never seemed to receive it. Bear in mind, those of us who were 5 or 6 years old when it started were also too young to understand that the way things seem is often not really how things are. But while you're undergoing this, your psyche is being developed by it.

I learned something just a couple of years ago, and every time I think about it, I start to cry, to literally grieve. Because you see, if I had known about this back when I was starting school, I would have had the power to minimize it and my life could have been much different, and happier.

When I was bullied, I got only two bits of advice on how to handle it. The first and most often given was: "just ignore it. They'll stop if you don't react." This is not true. They only try harder if they get ignored, and it only gets worse. It gets to the point where ignoring it is impossible: you can't ignore being shoved into the lockers, being tripped in the halls, being knocked down and kicked on the playground. This is absolutely the most wrong advice one could give.

The other advice was to hit back, and that only got me in worse trouble with authority. I never came out the winner by hitting, never reduced an ounce of the bullying.

Then just a couple of years ago, I came across the response that would have worked, had I known about it, or thought of doing it: Go along to get along.

When the first kid ever made fun of me in Kindergarten, the right thing to do would have been "play the good sport and laugh with them! Make fun of yourself, just a little, and laugh with them." This disarms a bully. They expect you to cry, to get mad, to hit or crumple, but not to agree with them! If you just keep disarming them, being a good sport, the sport gets pretty boring. You're not reacting the way they need you to react, so you're no fun anymore.

Oh, gods, how I wish I had known to do this...

Seriously. Punch them in the throat.

Seriously, that's assault. It's against most school policies and certainly against the law. No matter how you've been bullied, once you hit, you're in the wrong. Period.

Or it's social, non-violent equal, whatever the situation calls for.

And what would that be, specifically? I'm never sure what the right thing to do, much less the thing to do to make the person stop, would be.

Luckily I was raised in the real world where not everyone likes me, I am not special and not everyone is my buddy and I can cope, even thrive under stress.

That's rude. You make me (and the rest of us) look ridiculous with your assertion of a need I don't even have. I know not everyone will like me, because I don't like everyone. But I still know how to behave. That I don't like someone doesn't mean it's okay to belittle them, hit them, ridicule them, and make sport of them before our peers, does it? Fine, don't like me, but don't then abuse me. Just leave me alone, or interact with me in a neutral way.

I was raised in the real world, too, thanks, and I really resent your assertion that I expect sunshine and rainbows every day.

No, really. That was incredibly rude and condescending. Thanks, tons. Come here so I can punch you in the throat.

 

[foxholeatheist]

Whoa, talk about a false dichotomy. I certainly am not in favor of bullying but rather in favor of a realistic worldview. I thought that was one thing the majority of us had in common?

Did you really come into this thread to boast about how together you are, that you weren't hurt by bullying, and tell those of us who were that we're wimps? Seriously? Would you say this to a child who is being bullied?

I'm not saying it didn't hurt, of course it hurt. Sometimes life hurts. I spent 2 years in a wheelchair in grade school and I am not white. I moved 12 times before I finished high school. I put up with bullies myself. So those of you that were picked on a bit and it affects you now... You're not special. I would wager almost everyone got a bit of it.

But while we are on the subject, I am fairly well together. I understand the world is not always a nice place and I do not demand the world change to fit my notions of what it should be. I do not ask for nor accept special treatment simply because I may be 'different'.

Thanks. Thanks very much for displaying the sort of attitude that makes bullying so bad. The worst part of bullying isn't what the kids do to each other, it's the betrayal by the parents and teachers, adults who are supposed to protect the children but who refuse, because it's "part of growing up". So bullied kids are left on their own, to figure out your very sophisticated life lesson, at eight years old. Great!

So when would be the appropriate age to figure out life lessons? 8 year old children make theological decisions as well, at least I did. How long do you think they should hold mommy's hand and have mommy make all the decisions for the kid?

We're on the same page. It sucks. Got it. It's unfair. Roger. But it happens and will continue to happen. Tornadoes happen too and they suck and they're unfair. It's all part of growing up.

And hey! Go tell that to the kid in the news story Lisa posted, too! And how about all the kids who actually kill themselves because they were bullied? Want to go tell that to their parents?

No, I'm not good at breaking bad news. But I'll give it a shot.

"Your kid couldn't cope with the bullying and abuse and committed suicide. It's tragic."

And it is. Life sometimes is. Any specific case you can bring up, some seem to go beyond bullying. In any case, what do you plan to do about it? Stop every knucklehead that wants a giggle at someone else's expense?

If you stop every lunkhead from picking on the math geek than I believe you are ready to hold the tides.

Wa... You're bullying me with your mocking tone and sarcasm.

 

[phantomb]

It's not a crisis. It's not extreme abuse. I believe it's normal human behavior.

Obviously that would depend on the severity. I wasn't bullied too badly because I was a big guy and took martial arts with friends, but the guy in the blog post earlier in this thread was attacked by bullies and had his fingers broken.

Somewhere along the line many of you picked up the idea that you deserve to live in a world where no one would ever make fun of you or hurt you and anything other than that is somehow abnormal. Negative.

I do deserve to live in a world where nobody bullies me. Everybody does. Obviously that's not the world we've got, but it's a goal to work towards.

I guess that idea came from my parents. They taught me to be prepared for bullying and violence but to never bully others myself, that most people in my country believe this as well, and that it is represented in the law. And you know what? One time, when I was in high school and a kid was getting bullied really bad, the police DID come and arrest the bullies. Darndest thing! I guess cops feel that people deserve to live in a world without bullying too, huh?

Seriously. Punch them in the throat. Or it's social, non-violent equal, whatever the situation calls for.

See, here's the thing about bullies: they tend to avoid fair fights. They move about in groups and target weaker kids.

 

[slingblade]

Whoa, talk about a false dichotomy. I certainly am not in favor of bullying but rather in favor of a realistic worldview. I thought that was one thing the majority of us had in common?

How realistic is one's worldview at five years old?

Does it not occur to you that different personalities are affected in different ways? We're not all you. You're not me.

I'm not saying it didn't hurt, of course it hurt. Sometimes life hurts. I spent 2 years in a wheelchair in grade school and I am not white. I moved 12 times before I finished high school. I put up with bullies myself. So those of you that were picked on a bit and it affects you now... You're not special. I would wager almost everyone got a bit of it.

Those bits I highlighted show where you're minimizing again. Please don't do that.

I'm talking about physical, mental, and emotional abuse on an all-day, every day basis, that lasted for 11 years.

But while we are on the subject, I am fairly well together. I understand the world is not always a nice place and I do not demand the world change to fit my notions of what it should be. I do not ask for nor accept special treatment simply because I may be 'different'.

I didn't ask for "special" treatment. I asked to not be punched, kicked, slapped, laughed at, chased, stalked, taunted, derided, ignored, left out. I GOT special treatment, come to that. There weren't many kids who were treated this way, so yeah, I was certainly special, all right.

So when would be the appropriate age to figure out life lessons? 8 year old children make theological decisions as well, at least I did. How long do you think they should hold mommy's hand and have mommy make all the decisions for the kid?

Before your child enters school, you know if they're the kind of kid who's going to crumple and cry when it starts, or who's going to punch the bullies in the throat, to use your metaphor. That's when you should be explaining about how all people, even they, aren't very nice sometimes, but there's a way to deal with it when it happens to them. Then you explain about how bullies feed, and how to take away their kibble. You explain about going along to get along.

You also explain what it means about them if they're the bullies, and explain what you'll do if they're ever caught at it.

We're on the same page. It sucks. Got it. It's unfair. Roger. But it happens and will continue to happen. Tornadoes happen too and they suck and they're unfair. It's all part of growing up.

No. Being hurt like that for years and years, every single day, is not a normal part of growing up. I know, because there are people in this thread who have said they weren't really bullied much, if at all. Were their childhoods abnormal, then?


ETA: also, tornadoes aren't daily occurrences. We're not talking tornado. We're talking constant, pouring rain, with thunder and lighting strikes, every single damned day of your life.

No, I'm not good at breaking bad news. But I'll give it a shot.

"Your kid couldn't cope with the bullying and abuse and committed suicide. It's tragic."

And it is. Life sometimes is. Any specific case you can bring up, some seem to go beyond bullying. In any case, what do you plan to do about it? Stop every knucklehead that wants a giggle at someone else's expense?

If you stop every lunkhead from picking on the math geek than I believe you are ready to hold the tides.

Wa... You're bullying me with your mocking tone and sarcasm.

Right. You're losing credibility with these kinds of statements, and that's a shame, because I like you.

But you gotta knock off these "stop whining and take it like a man" diatribes. You have to know you're minimizing actual abuse, and I can't imagine why you'd want to do that. But it's not helping whatever your argument is...

 

[phantomb]

No, I'm not good at breaking bad news. But I'll give it a shot.

"Your kid couldn't cope with the bullying and abuse and committed suicide. It's tragic."

Except that wasn't your message. Your message was closer to this:

"Your kid couldn't cope with the bullying and abuse and committed suicide. It's tragic. But the bullying that caused it isn't a problem. It's not a crisis. It's not extreme abuse. I believe it's normal human behavior.

Your kid should have just punched the abusers in the throat. That's what I would have done. What, did your kid think he deserved to live in a world where no one would ever make fun of him or hurt him or something? Negative."

 

[TraneWreck]

This might be slightly off topic, but it definitely falls within the same general category.

I've noticed a lot of people ended bullying and improved their lives by standing up to the bullies. Generally that's sound advice.

I worked for a number of years in a legal clinic in Chicago providing services to indigent clients. Most of our clients came from the South or West ghettos or Cabrini Green.

There was no standing up to bullies in that world, and with all due respect, the harassment they experienced puts all of our experiences to shame.

I had a client who spent every night from the age of 12 until she graduated from high school hiding in her apartment with her siblings. She only left to attend school and said she was terrified every time.

When someone stands up to a bully in that environment, they are beaten or killed. But that's what gangs are: they begin with bullies, then everyone joins for protection from the bullies, soon there's all out war (toss in drugs...).

This was sort of an epiphany for me. I think people outside of that world view the lawlessness and violence as the result of vicious, angry predators. Certainly there are predators in that culture, and our political choices have let them run things, but the vast majority of people in gangs or in those projects are just terrified.

We have turned over the inner-cities of our nation to the bullies. It's an entire socio-economic class run by the people who beat up their peers and take their lunch money. This is also who the Taliban are. Just thugs and bullies.

 

[iknownothing]

If you're only talking about your stereotypical bully who goes shoving kids down the hall, then sure, you might have a point.

Yeah, and that's really only one part of the problem.

Hasn't most of the research shown that in reality, most bullies have average or above-average self esteem? They feel just fine about themselves. Sure there are some of those stereotypical bullies out there who are acting out because of a bad home life. But there are plenty who are just not-very-nice people. Or even more common, who are perfectly nice to the people who matter -- teachers, parents, authority figures, popular kids -- but who have some occasional fun stomping on the kid at the bottom of the class totem pole.

Maybe most kids don't bully very often. But, if 25 kids each occasionally bully the kid at the bottom, that kid is on the receiving end all day every day.

Somewhere along the line many of you picked up the idea that you deserve to live in a world where no one would ever make fun of you or hurt you and anything other than that is somehow abnormal. Negative.

********. I distinctly remember the last few weeks of third grade, worrying about how something feels different. I specifically remember thinking it through, how there's the normal amount of messing around with each other that all kids do and that never bothered me all that much, but something else is going on. It was taking a turn from "normal kid stuff" to becoming the butt of too many of the jokes, too much of the time. You can brush it off and take it in stride for only so long before it starts to get to you. Once it starts to get to you, they really move in for the kill. Fourth grade through tenth grade were awful.

One day you're just another gnu running along with the herd. Then suddenly you stumble, just a little trip, and one hyena gets a bite, a little taste of blood. After that they're all after you and you're SOL.

At no point did any teacher ever tell them to knock it off.

Does it not occur to you that different personalities are affected in different ways? We're not all you. You're not me.

Yes. I have no doubt that my personality and lack of coping skills were the reason that I was singled out. But I couldn't just morph into some other person. Teachers would say to ignore it, let it go, just don't get hurt by it. "Sticks and stones" and all that. But being told that doesn't mean I could just make it happen. I tried to ignore it, but the others could see that I really was hurt, so it did no good. Just added another layer of fun for them.

When people say that ("just ignore them" or whatever) they're describing what worked for them -- but that doesn't mean it can work for someone else. Some people do need more assistance, as in maybe a teacher who is willing to tell the others to cut it out. Because when the adults just let it go, it gets contagious and more of the kids get involved, even kids who probably wouldn't if there had been any brakes at all on their behavior.

 

[qayak]

Whoa, talk about a false dichotomy. I certainly am not in favor of bullying but rather in favor of a realistic worldview. I thought that was one thing the majority of us had in common?

I'm not saying it didn't hurt, of course it hurt. Sometimes life hurts. I spent 2 years in a wheelchair in grade school and I am not white. I moved 12 times before I finished high school. I put up with bullies myself. So those of you that were picked on a bit and it affects you now... You're not special. I would wager almost everyone got a bit of it.

But while we are on the subject, I am fairly well together. I understand the world is not always a nice place and I do not demand the world change to fit my notions of what it should be. I do not ask for nor accept special treatment simply because I may be 'different'.

So when would be the appropriate age to figure out life lessons? 8 year old children make theological decisions as well, at least I did. How long do you think they should hold mommy's hand and have mommy make all the decisions for the kid?

We're on the same page. It sucks. Got it. It's unfair. Roger. But it happens and will continue to happen. Tornadoes happen too and they suck and they're unfair. It's all part of growing up.

No, I'm not good at breaking bad news. But I'll give it a shot.

"Your kid couldn't cope with the bullying and abuse and committed suicide. It's tragic."

And it is. Life sometimes is. Any specific case you can bring up, some seem to go beyond bullying. In any case, what do you plan to do about it? Stop every knucklehead that wants a giggle at someone else's expense?

If you stop every lunkhead from picking on the math geek than I believe you are ready to hold the tides.

Wa... You're bullying me with your mocking tone and sarcasm.

I tend to agree with you. While I agree that bullying isn't right, I recognize that EVERYONE does it to some extent. The techniques are effective at getting people to do what you want or, need, them to do.

In my experience, the people who have trouble with bullies as a child and don't learn how to deal with them have problems their entire lives and the problems stem more from the fact that they recognize how ineffectual they are than from anything the bullies did.

We live in a society and conflict is a constant part of it. If you do not learn how to deal with conflict and, do not teach that to your children, you and, they, are doomed to suffer from that inadaquacy your entire lives.

Bullying requires a victim. If there is no victim, there is no bullying, there is only a conflict between two people. The trick is to confront every conflict situation and turn it to your advantage as much as possible whether that means a gain in money, status, power or, the forming of a new alliance. You do not need to dominate every situation, you need to work it to your own advantage.

Most claimed instances of bullying in adult life, aren't. Usually they are the result of ineffectual people being unable to deal with a situation. Your boss riding your ass for a month isn't bullying, it is because you haven't done your job and he is wondering why he keeps you around. You see it as bullying because you see yourself as a good person and don't understand why anyone would be mean to you. Instead, look at what the bully is trying to achieve and then decide what you want out of the situation. Then it is simply a matter of working towards those goals.

When there is a real incident of bullying people want the bully punished but that doesn't change anything. The better response is for you to use the situation to make the other person see that it is better to work with you than against you. Bullies hate people who need to be protected so don't go running to some authority, get a set of cajones and show the bully that you can stand on your own two feet. They'll have a lot more respect for you.

 

[Jeff Corey]

I'm seeing a lot of broad generalizations here that either just seem too simplistic or just plain wrong., ranging from "Most bullies were bullied" to " You boss riding your ass for a month isn't bullying."

 

[iknownothing]

We live in a society and conflict is a constant part of it. If you do not learn how to deal with conflict and, do not teach that to your children, you and, they, are doomed to suffer from that inadaquacy your entire lives.

Bullying requires a victim. If there is no victim, there is no bullying, there is only a conflict between two people. The trick is to confront every conflict situation and turn it to your advantage as much as possible whether that means a gain in money, status, power or, the forming of a new alliance. You do not need to dominate every situation, you need to work it to your own advantage.

In general I really do agree with this. In the sense that I really hope I can teach my kids how to cope so they don't turn into victims. They're too young for me to know yet how that will turn out.

But at the same time, there's still a responsibility for adults to keep a lid on it. It is part of ther responsibility to not allow kids to openly torment each other. If an 8 year old hasn't yet figured out yet how to project a cool, unbothered persona, then the adults should intervene when his classmates are throwing things at him, rather than just blame him and tell him this is how the world is.

The adults set the tone. If bullying is unacceptable, then there will still be a few kids who will do it in a sneakier way, but at least the bully victims will get some breathing space and a chance to work out a better response. If the adults abdicate authority then it gets out of hand, kids who would normally not participate will get in on the act, and a bully victim will feel like there is no safe place and no time to figure out how to turn it around.

Just because bullying is natural human behavior doesn't make it okay. It's also natural for kids to try to steal a pack of gum, and to lie, and to stay out too late, etc. The adults are still in charge of setting the boundaries and acting when the boundaries are crossed.

 

[Achán hiNidráne]

When I was in 3rd grade, my emotional problems first started to manifest themselves. My school, in its infinite wisdom, thought it proper to stick me into that scholastic ghetto popularly known as "special education." Of course, my classmates were quick to notice and I soon discovered what cruel bastards children are as my life became a living hell until I graduated from high school.

Most of my hazing was a deliberate attempt to get a "spazz attack" out of me and back then it didn't take much; a thinly veiled insult here, a condescending remark there. I didn't understand why these people, many of whom used to be my friends, suddenly turned on me when I became an easy target for their jokes. On the other end of the spectrum, there were the sadists who'd get physical. Some would provoke an emotional outburst from me just so they could have an excuse to beat on me. Others would just punch me or slam me bodily into a wall or locker in the hallway without a word. One day, when I was a Sophomore in high school, I took a beating so bad that I wanted to take a pistol to school the next day to settle things once and for all. I didn't care if I was arrested for murder or if I was killed in the attempt. I wanted it to stop. Fortunately, my little sister talked me out of it.

Hell, when I was a Senior, I had FRESHMEN try to push me around.

Today I'm 35-years-old and I still have nightmares once or twice a week about what happened to me. I've received the mail merge invitations for reunions, but I never RSVP and I never will. I don't want to see any of those bastards as long as I live. Thanks to them I have difficulty making friends and dealing with people in social situations because I'm afraid that they're just going to start picking on me, and forget about a sex life. ( "Hey faggot! You couldn't get a $2 whore to **** you if you paid her $2 million!") Everytime I hear some ass claim that people like me should "get over" bullying or any sort of childhood abuse, I want to knock their teeth down their throat. They have no idea of what sort of pain I dealt with back then and still have to deal with to this day.

 

[fuelair]

Am I the only one who went to a school where the popular kids were smart? The class president, prom queen, etc, were all in AP classes with me. In my high school at least, there wasn't a real bullying problem. I went to a 2,000 person public high school, but it wasn't very cliquish. You could be a football player who hung out with a gay math geek and you wouldn't lose your social status over it. But I would say the least popular kids were all pretty, frankly, stupid. The most popular kids were almost all AP students who were in things like the chemistry or Latin club.

Maybe I went to a different kind of school...

Definitely.

 

[Cainkane1]

I saw people robbed, harrassed, spit on, shoved property vandaliised, assaulted for no reason and the teachers not only did nothing they didn't seem to even be concerned or interested.

 

[fuelair]

I tend to agree with you. While I agree that bullying isn't right, I recognize that EVERYONE does it to some extent. The techniques are effective at getting people to do what you want or, need, them to do.

In my experience, the people who have trouble with bullies as a child and don't learn how to deal with them have problems their entire lives and the problems stem more from the fact that they recognize how ineffectual they are than from anything the bullies did.

We live in a society and conflict is a constant part of it. If you do not learn how to deal with conflict and, do not teach that to your children, you and, they, are doomed to suffer from that inadaquacy your entire lives.

Bullying requires a victim. If there is no victim, there is no bullying, there is only a conflict between two people. The trick is to confront every conflict situation and turn it to your advantage as much as possible whether that means a gain in money, status, power or, the forming of a new alliance. You do not need to dominate every situation, you need to work it to your own advantage.

Most claimed instances of bullying in adult life, aren't. Usually they are the result of ineffectual people being unable to deal with a situation. Your boss riding your ass for a month isn't bullying, it is because you haven't done your job and he is wondering why he keeps you around. You see it as bullying because you see yourself as a good person and don't understand why anyone would be mean to you. Instead, look at what the bully is trying to achieve and then decide what you want out of the situation. Then it is simply a matter of working towards those goals.

When there is a real incident of bullying people want the bully punished but that doesn't change anything. The better response is for you to use the situation to make the other person see that it is better to work with you than against you. Bullies hate people who need to be protected so don't go running to some authority, get a set of cajones and show the bully that you can stand on your own two feet. They'll have a lot more respect for you.

Some of us do not want a bully's respect, we want their destruction. Unless you can show me an evolutionary need for bullies (I can think of one that might be tried, but I don't buy it.), I see no necessity or reason for their continued life. Life/lives will never be trouble free for anyone (unless they are in a bed in a hospital living a brain-dead life on a respirator) but there is no need for others to purposefully add to those difficulties.

 

[fuelair]

I've mentioned this before - I have a small black tattoo at the upper edge /inside of my right elbow from a pencil in third grade. My opponent has a quarter inch scar in the top of his hand - my pencil went in about a quarter-third of an inch. And he was a friend!!
And carotid artery meet Bic pen (I love Bic pens and airplane security has no problem with them - the crystal ones, not the flexible side ones!!) or sharp pencil thrust quickly with palm driving it. A real life altering thing against an assault.

My apologies for repeating thhe above, but re-reading it I realized a certain nemesis from through 4th grade at all and still questionable at times hit : In exceitement/ other stuff I get left and right confused - mentally, not physically - the tattoo is on my left elbow inside not my right.

 

[Cainkane1]

When I was in 3rd grade, my emotional problems first started to manifest themselves. My school, in its infinite wisdom, thought it proper to stick me into that scholastic ghetto popularly known as "special education." Of course, my classmates were quick to notice and I soon discovered what cruel bastards children are as my life became a living hell until I graduated from high school.

Most of my hazing was a deliberate attempt to get a "spazz attack" out of me and back then it didn't take much; a thinly veiled insult here, a condescending remark there. I didn't understand why these people, many of whom used to be my friends, suddenly turned on me when I became an easy target for their jokes. On the other end of the spectrum, there were the sadists who'd get physical. Some would provoke an emotional outburst from me just so they could have an excuse to beat on me. Others would just punch me or slam me bodily into a wall or locker in the hallway without a word. One day, when I was a Sophomore in high school, I took a beating so bad that I wanted to take a pistol to school the next day to settle things once and for all. I didn't care if I was arrested for murder or if I was killed in the attempt. I wanted it to stop. Fortunately, my little sister talked me out of it.

Hell, when I was a Senior, I had FRESHMEN try to push me around.

Today I'm 35-years-old and I still have nightmares once or twice a week about what happened to me. I've received the mail merge invitations for reunions, but I never RSVP and I never will. I don't want to see any of those bastards as long as I live. Thanks to them I have difficulty making friends and dealing with people in social situations because I'm afraid that they're just going to start picking on me, and forget about a sex life. ( "Hey faggot! You couldn't get a $2 whore to **** you if you paid her $2 million!") Everytime I hear some ass claim that people like me should "get over" bullying or any sort of childhood abuse, I want to knock their teeth down their throat. They have no idea of what sort of pain I dealt with back then and still have to deal with to this day.

yes theres nothing worse than some drooling lunatic on you and like any other predator they often attacked in packs.

 

[Safe-Keeper]

I can relate to another poster here -- a guy I barely knew, but who was the brother of a little one that made life sour for me when he got the chance, died in a motorcycle accident some years ago. He'd had several accidents before, but this time his recklessness crosses the line. He was speeding down a straight stretch of road he'd probably sped down several times before, and this time some car pulled out of a driveway and he didn't manage to avoid a collision.

I was shocked at the time. I thought, "heck, I didn't like him, and he sure was an *******, but I didn't want him to freaking die". But... no. The shock eventually subsided, and I think it was as bad as it was partly because I had lost an old classmate to leukaemia earlier the same year, and had several others committed to hospital (in separate cases). Now the shock has settled, his little brother still tries to be a twat the few times I meet him, and... no. Not shedding a tear for him. His loved ones in his FB "in loving memory of..." group can go on about how he was a great, helpful, caring and considerate guy all they want.

I'm glad he's dead.

Everytime I hear some ass claim that people like me should "get over" bullying or any sort of childhood abuse, I want to knock their teeth down their throat. They have no idea of what sort of pain I dealt with back then and still have to deal with to this day.

Research has showed that prolonged bullying can have just the same kind of effects on your psyche and future as domestic violence or sexual abuse. People telling victims to suck it up or "hey, you can just hit back" (foxholeatheist, I'm looking at you) are simply ignorant and frankly no better than the "hey, she didn't resist so she asked for it" crowd that try to excuse rapists.

When the first kid ever made fun of me in Kindergarten, the right thing to do would have been "play the good sport and laugh with them! Make fun of yourself, just a little, and laugh with them." This disarms a bully. They expect you to cry, to get mad, to hit or crumple, but not to agree with them! If you just keep disarming them, being a good sport, the sport gets pretty boring. You're not reacting the way they need you to react, so you're no fun anymore.

Oh, gods, how I wish I had known to do this...

I was taught to do this recently -- someone says something bad about you, pretend you're happy to hear it and tell him you're happy he cares. Someone does something in class, go sit on their desk. Someone throws you an insult in a hallway, go after him and put some trash in his backpack without him noticing. People keep saying that you should hit back, and while that, too, can work great in certain situations, it's often little things that really work. Stuff that gets a laugh out of the class at the expense of the bully, and that he or she can't use against you by telling a teacher or whatever.

The civil rights people back in the day won because they were being hostile and active without really doing anything wrong. Sitting in the middle of the road in a huge group is a big nuisance to traffic, but it's also a very "passive", harmless thing to do in that while you are blocking all traffic in the street, which is a fairly drastic move, the image people remember is you just sitting there. Contrast that with the batons, attack dogs and fire hoses, and you have a fairly one-sided war that can only end in victory (unless the police goes to the drastic step of killing you, which, of course, in this case they couldn't).