So while God is in you, you carry the terrible burden of having said the Christian equivalent of "Candyman" and you're torn up with fear and regret.
I like tkingdoll's analogy.
I don't think JP1283 is trolling. I had a fair amount of religious indoctrination as a child and (not suprisingly) when I was 11, I was hit with a massive case of religious OCD. And it was absolutely terrifying. I'll also go so far as to say that unless you've experienced something like this, it's very difficult to fully grok the mental trauma it produces, especially to an immature and uncritical intellect. It's like a malignant cognitive hurricane that repeatedly tears through your psyche leaving crushing anxiety and depression in its wake. Standard OCD is a nightmare; religious OCD is hell incarnate. Here's one reason: this insidious variant of OCD typically strikes the devout as opposed to the non-religious. This means you'll most likely be surrounded by other religious folk who will have no clue what OCD is (since mental distubances are the work of the Evil One). Assuming you overcome your shame and attempt to confide in someone, they will repeatedly tell you to simply pray harder. Worse, they may confirm your fears that yes, you have offended their deity-of-choice and, so sorry, you just lost your harp and halo. As an added bonus, your mental agony will reinforce the belief that the deity is indeed punishing you for your trangression.
My parents were completely broadsided by this and had no clue what was wrong as I became progressively unhinged. I didn't get the, "It's Satan! He needs an exorcism!" treatment, but then again, I didn't get any treatment whatsoever: no therapy, no antidepressants (this was long before Paxil and Zoloft), and no formal CBT (Cognitive Behavorial therapy). I don't believe in miracles but the fact that I didn't jump off a bridge or step in front of a bus is pretty close to one. To be fair, I also don't envy my parents: here they have a child on a constant crying jag, can't tell them or anyone else what's wrong, and they either don't know what to do or, worse, can't face the social stigma and embarrasment of having to admit that one of their children has a mental problem.
I finally had to do something drastic to end my pain:
I simply accepted the fact that I was hellbound. After all, if an omnipotent (not omnibenevolent, obviously) god has earmarked you for eternal damnation, what else can you do?
It was the best thing (only thing, really) I could have done. I had been suffering for eight months. The anxiety slowly began to dissipate, followed by the depression. Within a month my mental state had almost completely normalized. I was also no longer subject as much to religious blather and dogma, which may have been the impetus for my (years) later nontheism and intense desire for critical thinking. I had definitely come through the fire (hellfire, if you will) and had emerged a stronger individual.
For the record, I had one more episode of (non-religious OCD) when I was a teen and I was able to smother it within a week. I've had no fully-blown incidents since mainly because I am extremely sensitive to irrational, anxiety-generating thoughts that arise unbidden. These thoughts are immediately identified for what they are and allowed to pass through without any mental resistance.
Nevertheless, JP1283, I would suggest (as others have) that you see a mental health professional. It's not that you can't deal with this problem on your own, it's that you don't have to. Keep in mind that I may have been an oddity regarding how I overcame this; I've read of other religious OCD sufferers who weren't as lucky.
Good luck,
AL
