"As a rule the transports were an emotional affair because relatives, friends and acquaintances would be leaving and we did not know what was in store for them. But after their departure I took a shower, went to bed for a rest, and in the evening went to a cabaret performance and amused myself. I admit that I had forgotten the train with the Jews on their way to an unknown destination. I was glad that it had not been my turn, and for some days I forgot the deportation train. I trusted entirely to my function in Westerbork, thinking that I was absolutely safe. This feeling of safety lulled me to sleep; I did my work as a doctor and transports were for others, not for me.
Until the moment came that I too had to get on the train with my family, calmly. Yes, calmly indeed, because (and I have to emphasize this fact), I did not know what lay beyond Westerbork. When I learned the truth in Auschwitz, and knew that my wife and my little son of four had been gassed, and my reaction was not one of grief, or despair, or there being any reason for me to carry on any more, No, on the contrary, I fought for my life. I wanted to survive, and I went as far as assisting the German camp doctor with the selections. It is an experience I described in a book I later wrote, The Abyss: A Confession. I know that it was a choice between life and death, and I chose life.
But now, many years later, free from danger, I realize that I did dirty work for the SS. The price was too high. I besmeared my conscience: I should have drawn the line at my willingness to collaborate. I think that I went across that line. On the other hand, I should not forget that I was able to help many inmates because of my position, and I did so. But knowing all this now, I am not sure if I would act differently in the same circumstances.
It is curious that I suffer from guilt about things I have done under unimaginable conditions, while the perpetrators, the criminal S.S., the murderers of the Jews, don't have these feelings of guilt. They explain their misdeeds by saying that they only did their duty; they had to carry out their superiors' orders and show unconditional obedience. Responsibility lay with the men who gave the orders, not with them. And therefore they were not guilty.
From the Netherlands about 60,000 Jews were deported to Auschwitz; 1052 survived and I am one of them. In Groningen, my place of birth, there lived 2,842 Jews at the beginning of the war; 2,550 of them were deported to Poland. Only 10 returned and I was one of them."
Human Behavior in the Concentration Camp, Preface 1988 p. xix.
