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Scientific Comedy

Some freon walked into a bar and told a joke. The barman said "You're a gas."
 
Q: Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?
A: Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.
 
There was an old lady called Wright
who could travel much faster than light.
She departed one day
in a relative way
and returned on the previous night.
 
A methanol molecule walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out, we don't serve your kind!"

A strand of DNA walks into a bar. The bartender says, "How come you're so wound up?"

A planet tries to get into a trendy Hollywood club. The doorman says, "We only serve stars!"

A meteorite walks into a bar. Bartender says "I can't serve you, you're stoned!"
 
Westwall said:
Q: Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?
A: Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.
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Q. Why do physicists never have a meage-a-trois?
A: They cannot solve the three-body problem.
 
Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey, nice bike! Where did you get it?" "Well'" replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young co-ed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all her clothes and says, "You can have ANYTHING you want." "Good choice," says the first, "Her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway!"
 
A Higgs boson walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Hey, some guy from CERN was in here looking for you."

A female Higgs boson is sitting a bar. Bartender brings her a drink. Higgs boson says, "Who's this from?" Bartender nods toward some dark matter at another table. Dark matter waves at her and winks. Bartender says, "You gonna go over and talk to him?" Higgs boson says, "No, I don't interact with WIMPS."
 
Hey, I got more!

A tachyon and a photon go into a bar. Bartender asks the tachyon what he'll have. Tachyon orders a martini. Bartender asks the photon. No response. Tachyon says, "You'll have to ask him again, he's kind of slow."

Another tachyon goes into a bar. Bartender asks the tachyon what he'll have. Tachyon says, "Anything but a Sloe Gin Fizz."

No, don't go away! I got more!

A tachyon goes into a McDonald's. He says to the counterman, "I'll gladly pay you last Tuesday for a hamburger today!"
 
Wait! I'm not done yet!

Darwin goes into a bar. Bartender says, "I can't serve you." Darwin asks "Why not?" Bartender says, "You got no ID."

No, come back! I got an even better one!

Before he took up physics, Schroedinger was a vet. But he quit the business because half his patients died.

Wait! Wait! The next one is a scream!

Did you hear about the physicist who threw a lot of parties? People stopped going because he was a Bohr.

Oh come on! Can't you take a joke? OK, I promise, this is the last one!

Did you know that in his spare time, Oppenheimer was a comedian? OK, he wasn't awfully funny, but he killed them in Hiroshima and Nagasaki!

Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week, try the veal and tip your waiter!
 
They finally figured out why those neutrinos exceeded the speed of light...

... shemp was behind them telling his "jokes"! :D
 
AvalonXQ said:
Nah, too much certainty. "There existed, a short time ago, in a place that appeared to be Scotland, an object that appeared to be a sheep, which appeared to be black on what appeared to be half of it."
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Shouldn't that be " ... appeared to be in Scotland ... "?

Otherwise - nice one: I'll recycle it!
 
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Don't go away! I got another one!

Guy hears a knock on the door and opens it. It's Schroedinger, who asks "Can I borrow your cat for an hour?" The guy says OK and hands over the cat. An hour later Schroedinger brings back the cat. The guy takes a look and says, "What have you done to my cat? He looks half dead!"
 
shemp said:
Don't go away! I got another one!

Guy hears a knock on the door and opens it. It's Schroedinger, who asks "Can I borrow your cat for an hour?" The guy says OK and hands over the cat. An hour later Schroedinger brings back the cat. The guy takes a look and says, "What have you done to my cat? He looks half dead!"
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The problem is that the cat is not half dead. It has a 50% probability of being 100% healthy. The other 50% probability is that it is dead.

This is the science sub forum and not the humour sub forum.
 
rjh01 said:
The problem is that the cat is not half dead. It has a 50% probability of being 100% healthy. The other 50% probability is that it is dead.
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That's what you think. It's a well-known fact that Schroedinger was a lousy cat sitter.
 
There was a young fellow called Fisk
Whose fencing was exceedingly brisk
So fast was his action
The Fitzgerald contraction
Turned his rapier into a disc.
 
A mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a software engineer are taking a road trip when their car sputters and dies. The mechanical engineer says, "It's going to be one of the belts. We'll have to replace and recalibrate each of them." "No, no," said the chemical engineer. "It's obviously the fluids. We'll have to drain and filter them." Then the software engineer piped up, "Actually, it's even easier than that. Close all the windows, turn the car off, and wait a few minutes. It should restart just fine."


cwalner said:
This quirk inspired a professor of mine who wrote the relativity textbook* that we used in class. The first chapter was a review of Newtonian mechanics and included a problem involving a 2-horned African Rhinoceros charging into a ball of putty on frictionless sheet of ice, in a perfect vacuum.

*note link is to more recent addition, mine is over 20 years old so may not still be the same.
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My father teaches college level physics and when I was in high school I was very proud to have written a problem he included on an exam. It involved Newton and Einstein playing tennis. When Isaac hit the ball it flew normally, following Newtonian physics. When Albert returned the shot it moved at relativistic speeds. There were questions about what Newton saw, what Einstein saw, what the line judge saw, and what a fly hitching a ride on the ball experienced. As I said, I was very proud, not the least for reinforcing my dad's reputation as a bad ass teacher.
 
The Almond said:
My physics prof at Clemson once gave us a similar problem, but it actually involved a chicken in a vacuum. We were told to assume that the chicken was a sphere at the end of the problem. Physics humor, eh?
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For certain values of spherical, this is true. Topologically, a chicken is a messy doughnut.
 
Andrew Wiggin said:
For certain values of spherical, this is true. Topologically, a chicken is a messy doughnut.
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One of my math professors, who specialized in Topology, once defined a Topologist as a mathematician who cannot tell the difference between his doughnut and his coffee mug.
 
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