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Scientific Comedy

A rapist, a pedophile and a priest walk into a bar. He orders a beer...

- PbFoot
 
Molinaro said:
An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician are on a train travelling across the Scotish countryside.

The astronomer points out the window and says, "Look, in Scotland sheep are black."

The physicist shakes his head and says, "No, no no. In Scotland some sheep are black."

The mathematician sighs in exasperation and says, "In Scotland there exists a field, in which exists a sheep, one side of which is black!"
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The logician, of course, points out that the accurate statement is, "There exists in Scotland at least one sheep, at least half of which is black".
 
Paul W said:
The logician, of course, points out that the accurate statement is, "There exists in Scotland at least one sheep, at least half of which is black".
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Nah, too much certainty. "There existed, a short time ago, in a place that appeared to be Scotland, an object that appeared to be a sheep, which appeared to be black on what appeared to be half of it."
 
Ladewig said:
Theologist: 3 is prime. From this we can conclude that all odd numbers are prime.

.........

I'm old enough that when I first heard the joke, one was considered prime.
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Homeopath: 0 is prime, 0 is prime, 0 is prime.....
 
Acleron said:
Homeopath: 0 is prime, 0 is prime, 0 is prime.....
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nice.

I fist learned the joke at Harvey Mudd College and we had a special case for our engineers
3 is prime, 5 is infinity, so all odd numbers are prime.
based on the premise that '5 was suitably close to infinity' as spoken by an engineering professor during a lecture once.
In the context of the lecture it actually made sense, but when has that ever stopped students from turning something into a joke.
 
How can you tell an extroverted engineer?

He stares at your feet while he's talking to you.

A social worker, a priest and an engineer were out golfing one day when they saw a group of men randomly hitting balls all over the course. The social worker asked the range officer about it, and the range officer said, "Those men are fire-fighters, and they rescued the owner of this golf course and his family from a burning building, but in the process, they were all blinded. He let's them play for free as often as they want." The social worker said, "I'm going to recommend them for a heroism award." The priest said, "I'm going to pray for them tonight." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

An engineer, a writer and an economist were all discussing whether it was better to have a wife or a mistress. The writer said, "Having a mistress is exciting and sexy, so that's clearly better." The economist said, "Given the tax breaks for married couples, and the relatively low cost of a wife, it's better to have that." The engineer said, "It's better to have both." "Both?" The writer and economist asked. "Yes, both. You see, when you're gone, the wife thinks you're with the mistress, and your mistress thinks you're with your wife, and you can go to the lab and finally get some work done."

Once, a farmer was having trouble with his chickens. They weren't laying any eggs, so he asked a biologist, a biochemist and a physicist to come out and solve the problem. The biologist took a random sample of 30 different chickens from different farms and determined their weight, feather density, number of toes and eye color. She then applied a variety of multivariate statistical algorithms that she didn't fully understand, and then wrote 4 papers with contradictory conclusions. Due to robust sampling methods, none of the chickens from the farm in question were included in the study, although chickens from 2 neighboring farms were included.

Then the biochemist went to work. She did a full DNA workup of all the chickens on the farm, and then split them up into 16 groups of similar weight and feather color. In a simultaneous trial, she tested 4 different drugs with completely unknown pharmacokenetics and determined that the placebo effect was stronger than any of the drugs, although none of the chickens were laying eggs. She then asked the farmer to triple the budget so she could test a larger group of chickens and account for the apparent variation in toenail color.

The physicist then spent 20 minutes looking at one of the chickens. She scurried off with her notebook and a pen and spent 2 hours furiously writing down equations. When she finished, she went over to the farmer and said, "I've done it! I solved it! But it only works for a spherical chicken in a vacuum."
 
The Almond said:
The physicist then spent 20 minutes looking at one of the chickens. She scurried off with her notebook and a pen and spent 2 hours furiously writing down equations. When she finished, she went over to the farmer and said, "I've done it! I solved it! But it only works for a spherical chicken in a vacuum."
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This quirk inspired a professor of mine who wrote the relativity textbook* that we used in class. The first chapter was a review of Newtonian mechanics and included a problem involving a 2-horned African Rhinoceros charging into a ball of putty on frictionless sheet of ice, in a perfect vacuum.

*note link is to more recent addition, mine is over 20 years old so may not still be the same.
 
cwalner said:
This quirk inspired a professor of mine who wrote the relativity textbook* that we used in class. The first chapter was a review of Newtonian mechanics and included a problem involving a 2-horned African Rhinoceros charging into a ball of putty on frictionless sheet of ice, in a perfect vacuum.

*note link is to more recent addition, mine is over 20 years old so may not still be the same.
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My physics prof at Clemson once gave us a similar problem, but it actually involved a chicken in a vacuum. We were told to assume that the chicken was a sphere at the end of the problem. Physics humor, eh?
 
Modified said:
Or the mathematician wakes up the engineer and hands him the bucket, thereby reducing the problem to one already solved.

If you throw in a software engineer he would sit and watch the fire, to see if the problem fixes itself.
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No, he'd put out the fire, then restart it, to see if it fixes itself.
 
cwalner said:
Various Proof's that all odd numbers greater than 1 are prime:

Mathematician: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime. The rest follow by induction.
Chemist: 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is experimental error, 11 is prime ...
Physicist: 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is a good aproximation of a prime ...
Engineer: 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is prime ...


And more math silliness.

What is Yellow and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice? Zorn's Lemon.

What do you get if you cross an elephant and a grape? Elephant * Grape * sin(Theta).

What do you get if you cross an elephant with a mountain climber. You can't, the mountain climber is a scaler.
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My favorite shaggy mathematician joke:

After the flood, Noah and his family kept an eye on the animals.
His son came to him and told him the snakes weren't reproducing.
Noah thinks about this and finally says, "Okay. Cut down some of those trees and lash them together to make an elevated area for the snakes."
His son asks "How will that help anything?"
Noah replies "With a log table, even an adder can multiply."
 
TjW said:
My favorite shaggy mathematician joke:

After the flood, Noah and his family kept an eye on the animals.
His son came to him and told him the snakes weren't reproducing.
Noah thinks about this and finally says, "Okay. Cut down some of those trees and lash them together to make an elevated area for the snakes."
His son asks "How will that help anything?"
Noah replies "With a log table, even an adder can multiply."
Click to expand...

Ouch! that one was a bit painful. :p
 
CREATIONIST JOKE:

a dinosaur walks onto an ark. Noah says "Get out, we don't want your kind on here"
 
A TCP/IP packet goes into a bar. It says, "I'd like a beer".
The barman asks, "A beer?"
The packet responds, "Yes, a beer."
 
Descartes orders his meal in a restaurant and the waiter says, "Would you like to order some wine with your meal sir? Descartes mulls it over for a minute, and eventually replied, "Hmmm, I think not," and disappeared.
 
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