Rincewind
Philosopher
Any blame should be aimed at Lucian for suggesting that I jazz this up a bit...
1:1 Forasmuch as many have taken in hand to set forth in order a declaration of those things which are most surely believed among us,
1:2 Even as they delivered them unto us, which from the beginning were eyewitnesses, and ministers of the word;
1:3 It seemeth good to me also, having had perfect understanding of all things from the very first, to write unto thee in order, most excellent JREF,
1:4 That thou mightest know the certainty of those things, wherein thou hast been instructed.
1:5 Therefore behold and be quiet while I speak unto thee of the details from the Revaluations of Saint Luke of Skywalker concerning the life and times of that most resurrected man of all times, Simon the Zealot.
1.6 Brethren and sistren, it was spoken unto us, in a timely manner, of the undoubted truth that if English was good enough for JC, it should be good enough for us. Verily.
1.7 So, gather around, charge thy glasses - our sponsor has very kindly changed wine into water, or maybe the other way round, for this event.
1.8 Thou shalt taketh care with our canine friend, that dozeth in front of the fire, gently singeing. Yo, bitch! (How many times hast thou been told about that?)
1.9 The story that I shall shew unto thee shall be replete with endless quote-mines, unnecessary Bible quotes and gratuitous sex and violence. (Please note that following in the footsteps of many fundie authors, some, all or none of the above may be exaggerated, incomplete, inaccurate or just plain missing, Yea - um, verily. Cannot guarantee nut-free.)
1.10 Forasmuch as thou art in the presence of a dog, I will speak unto thee of such matters that have been fulfilled (honest!).
1.11 And behold the doors (not the 60’s rock group) have been locked, so that it shall come to pass that Cherubims, Seraphims and Badabims with flaming swords shall pass amongst thee with collecting tins after I spake unto ye. Oh, and verily again.
1.12 This tale, that surely will grippeth thee, concerneth Simon Zealotes, called “the Terrorist”, and the exciting times that hath followed his death.
1.13 The oral tradition from which this was cobbledeth together was invented by... well, thou needest not know that...
2.1 And behold it came to pass that according to custom, Peter, called Saint Peter, found himself seated at the tall desk next to the Pearly Gates.
2.2 He hath opened the ledger, and chargeth the quill with ink, as he saw a man approaching, who holdeth his upper and lower torso together.
2.3 And as he abideth at his desk, keeping watch over the gates by night - and day - he said unto the man, Hey dude! How’s it hanging?
2.4 So verily, did Simon the Zealot (for it was he) reply, Well I’ve been better - it’s good to be back. So – gimme my harp, and point me to my cloud?
2.5 Oh, alas, quoth Pete, the Genitals are revolting! I’ve been getting prayers from all over the place, moaning that they don’t have their own senior martyr locally, and how good this would be for business.
2.6 We had a meeting, and you volunteered, man.
2.7 Hey - how dideth I do that? I was getting martyred!
2.8 It’s a miracle! A Miracle I tell you!
2.9 So, you’ll be making another visit, actually several, I’m afraid. Verily. However, we have finally perfected the reincarnator that was tested on Lazarus, so thou wilt unto one hundred percent be verily repaired.
2.10 Oh, great. quoth Simon unto Pete. How many more of these trips will I be making?
2.11 Behold, the next one is in Suanir, in Persia. It will come to pass that thou’ll be getting sawn in half there.
2.12 Excuse me? What do you think this is? (Points to his severed middle)
2.13 Yeah, sorry ‘bout that, man. The heavenly network hath crashed. Verily, yet again.
2.14 (Glares across at a desk on which is a PC, the screen displaying “System Error – please contacteth your local support personnel”)
2.15 Ever since the majority of IT specialists sold their souls to the devil, we hath hardly ever seen a working system.
2.16 I keepeth telling Him we needeth to contract this out, but does He listen? You know how stubborn He can be. Verily.
2.17 Simon shruggeth his shoulders, and saith, So what have you got for me?
2.18 Let’s see… Crucified in Patras in Greece? No, no, no. That’s for Andrew. Shall we hath thou crucified in Samaria, AD 74?
2.19 No, not yet.
2.20 Sawn in half at Suanir, Persia. Ooops, sorry!
2.21 Martyred at Weriosphora in Caucasian Iberia?
2.22 Both done, got the T-shirts, commenteth Simon.
2.23 Also, killed in a Jewish revolt against the Romans?
2.24 What? Another revolt? It’s difficult to keep track of them! But no – I don’t remember that happening yet.
2.25 OK. I also have died peacefully at Edessa. Perhaps we’ll leave that one to last?
2.26 Sounds like a plan to me.
2.27 Only got one left. How about martyred in Caistor? That’s in some outlandish place called Britain?
2.28 Simon shruggeth again, and saith, I see. Let’s do that next, then. How about languages?
2.29 Thou won’t be there long enough for that to matter. Just talk slowly, and shout!
2.30 At least America hasn’t been discovered yet. And we all know what that’s going to be like, don’t we?
2.31 Puhlease! I wouldn’t send anybody I know to a place like that!
2.32 OK. I’ll just get this flesh-wound fixed up with duct tape. I saw that on Mythbusters. Yeah, verily.
2,33 Right. Reporteth thou back as soon as you’re ready….
Note that there’s an inconsistency in the narrative - but that just proves how true it is!
Verily...
I know. I still need to get a life….
1:1 Forasmuch as many have taken in hand to set forth in order a declaration of those things which are most surely believed among us,
1:2 Even as they delivered them unto us, which from the beginning were eyewitnesses, and ministers of the word;
1:3 It seemeth good to me also, having had perfect understanding of all things from the very first, to write unto thee in order, most excellent JREF,
1:4 That thou mightest know the certainty of those things, wherein thou hast been instructed.
1:5 Therefore behold and be quiet while I speak unto thee of the details from the Revaluations of Saint Luke of Skywalker concerning the life and times of that most resurrected man of all times, Simon the Zealot.
1.6 Brethren and sistren, it was spoken unto us, in a timely manner, of the undoubted truth that if English was good enough for JC, it should be good enough for us. Verily.
1.7 So, gather around, charge thy glasses - our sponsor has very kindly changed wine into water, or maybe the other way round, for this event.
1.8 Thou shalt taketh care with our canine friend, that dozeth in front of the fire, gently singeing. Yo, bitch! (How many times hast thou been told about that?)
1.9 The story that I shall shew unto thee shall be replete with endless quote-mines, unnecessary Bible quotes and gratuitous sex and violence. (Please note that following in the footsteps of many fundie authors, some, all or none of the above may be exaggerated, incomplete, inaccurate or just plain missing, Yea - um, verily. Cannot guarantee nut-free.)
1.10 Forasmuch as thou art in the presence of a dog, I will speak unto thee of such matters that have been fulfilled (honest!).
1.11 And behold the doors (not the 60’s rock group) have been locked, so that it shall come to pass that Cherubims, Seraphims and Badabims with flaming swords shall pass amongst thee with collecting tins after I spake unto ye. Oh, and verily again.
1.12 This tale, that surely will grippeth thee, concerneth Simon Zealotes, called “the Terrorist”, and the exciting times that hath followed his death.
1.13 The oral tradition from which this was cobbledeth together was invented by... well, thou needest not know that...
2.1 And behold it came to pass that according to custom, Peter, called Saint Peter, found himself seated at the tall desk next to the Pearly Gates.
2.2 He hath opened the ledger, and chargeth the quill with ink, as he saw a man approaching, who holdeth his upper and lower torso together.
2.3 And as he abideth at his desk, keeping watch over the gates by night - and day - he said unto the man, Hey dude! How’s it hanging?
2.4 So verily, did Simon the Zealot (for it was he) reply, Well I’ve been better - it’s good to be back. So – gimme my harp, and point me to my cloud?
2.5 Oh, alas, quoth Pete, the Genitals are revolting! I’ve been getting prayers from all over the place, moaning that they don’t have their own senior martyr locally, and how good this would be for business.
2.6 We had a meeting, and you volunteered, man.
2.7 Hey - how dideth I do that? I was getting martyred!
2.8 It’s a miracle! A Miracle I tell you!
2.9 So, you’ll be making another visit, actually several, I’m afraid. Verily. However, we have finally perfected the reincarnator that was tested on Lazarus, so thou wilt unto one hundred percent be verily repaired.
2.10 Oh, great. quoth Simon unto Pete. How many more of these trips will I be making?
2.11 Behold, the next one is in Suanir, in Persia. It will come to pass that thou’ll be getting sawn in half there.
2.12 Excuse me? What do you think this is? (Points to his severed middle)
2.13 Yeah, sorry ‘bout that, man. The heavenly network hath crashed. Verily, yet again.
2.14 (Glares across at a desk on which is a PC, the screen displaying “System Error – please contacteth your local support personnel”)
2.15 Ever since the majority of IT specialists sold their souls to the devil, we hath hardly ever seen a working system.
2.16 I keepeth telling Him we needeth to contract this out, but does He listen? You know how stubborn He can be. Verily.
2.17 Simon shruggeth his shoulders, and saith, So what have you got for me?
2.18 Let’s see… Crucified in Patras in Greece? No, no, no. That’s for Andrew. Shall we hath thou crucified in Samaria, AD 74?
2.19 No, not yet.
2.20 Sawn in half at Suanir, Persia. Ooops, sorry!
2.21 Martyred at Weriosphora in Caucasian Iberia?
2.22 Both done, got the T-shirts, commenteth Simon.
2.23 Also, killed in a Jewish revolt against the Romans?
2.24 What? Another revolt? It’s difficult to keep track of them! But no – I don’t remember that happening yet.
2.25 OK. I also have died peacefully at Edessa. Perhaps we’ll leave that one to last?
2.26 Sounds like a plan to me.
2.27 Only got one left. How about martyred in Caistor? That’s in some outlandish place called Britain?
2.28 Simon shruggeth again, and saith, I see. Let’s do that next, then. How about languages?
2.29 Thou won’t be there long enough for that to matter. Just talk slowly, and shout!
2.30 At least America hasn’t been discovered yet. And we all know what that’s going to be like, don’t we?
2.31 Puhlease! I wouldn’t send anybody I know to a place like that!
2.32 OK. I’ll just get this flesh-wound fixed up with duct tape. I saw that on Mythbusters. Yeah, verily.
2,33 Right. Reporteth thou back as soon as you’re ready….
Note that there’s an inconsistency in the narrative - but that just proves how true it is!
Verily...
I know. I still need to get a life….
