So, I sit down on the seat next to you and say, "Good morning." According to this woman I have violated you in some way by disrespecting your wishes. If I didn't know before this article what I was doing, I certainly do now, right? Are you, like this author, now planning your escape route should you need to flee?
If you don't continue to press me in a conversation that I don't wish to engage in, I won't think anything of it. If you continue to press me, then I will be thinking that I may need to "escape" your attention in some way.
According to the references Professor Yaffle provided, I might be more likely to be a rapist because they don't respect boundaries like that. Then again, I might be less likely to be a rapist because rapists score lower on the exravert scale, meaning they are less likely to be gregarious or assertive socially.
For me, it's not even about whether you're more likely to rape me or not. If you're annoying me and don't listen to my cues to quit annoying me, you've just become a hassle in my day that I didn't need.
Well, if you're just looking out the window, you haven't made anything clear except that you're looking out the window. If you think that's a clear indicator that you're unwilling to talk, I think you should reconsider that notion. There world's far more complex than that.
That's why it has to go a step farther. If you see me looking out the window and you say hello, and I then make it clear I don't wish to engage in a conversation with a stranger, and you continue from that point, it's actually pretty simple. Somebody who engages
somebody who has made it clear that they don't want to engage is somebody who doesn't respect boundaries.
If you continue as you describe, you're sending a clearer message that you're not interested in conversation. Guys do this as well, only most of the men I know don't get all freaked out when somebody, male or female, persists. Some people just don't get social cues, and it's annoying.
Yes. Extremely annoying.
Are you thinking "rapist" when this happens to you? Are you looking for escape routes?
I'm not necessarily thinking rapist. The guy could be a simple creep or pervert, or possibly somebody who's just socially awkward.
Do you believe that anyone needed to be told that? Now, apparently what I needed to be told is that at least one woman plans escape routes on a crowded bus or subway car. I didn't know that. My advice up to now to any woman in peril is to flee towards a crowd, not away from one. I also had no idea that when I'm standing in line at the grocery store and say, "Is that the Android? How do you like it?" that the woman is thinking, "Are you going to rape me?"
She's probably not thinking that. I know I'm not. I'm not against engaging in small talk in a public setting. A grocery store is reasonably safe and people make small talk all the time. I thought the author made it very clear that she was talking about situations where a woman would be vulnerable if you werea dangerous person.
That said, I think her risk assessment is based on a warped perception of reality.
No. It's based on a perception that comes from being in the lower quartile of physical strength. If a good 75% of the people you come across are capable of physically harming you, you make different risk assessments than somebody who's in the 90th percentile.
Be careful. When I said the same thing about myself, I was accused of "chest beating" and repeated choruses of "I'm glad I'm a man."
The reality is that large, physically strong men are not at the same risk as a woman who is much smaller. I don't think it's wrong to recognize that. What was construed as chest-beating was the (paraphrase) "I'm a big huge strong guy and I don't feel this way. Do women really have different challenges than I do?"
I'm an extravert. I strike up conversations all over the place. The other day I was at Souper Salad with my two sons. Some older person was "obviously occupied" choosing a soup. I was waiting behind her. I said, "You gotta try the clam chowder. I'm on my fourth bowl." A very short "conversation" ensued, which must mean that she wasn't interested in talking to me, right? She must have been planning her escape route out of the restaurant.
If she engaged in conversation with you, then she wasn't planning an escape route. I don't even know what point you're trying to make here.
Funny thing, though, next time she got up she stopped at my table to tell me that yes, indeed, that clam chowder was excellent and that she was going to get more. She then told me how cute and well behaved my boys were and chatted with them. I, of course, had my boys say, "Nice to meet you" and give their names.
That's great. You had a mutually pleasant social interaction with a stranger. I have them too. Do I need to tell you a story or will you take me at my word? The author is talking about people who make it clear that they don't want to engage with a stranger.
That's the world I want to live in, not one where every innocuous comment carries with it the baggage of sexual or physical assault or one where every person who struggles with social cues is rated on the Rapist Scale. Sure, I recognize that I'm in the 90th percentile for men when it comes to weight and height, and that I'm a chest beating, chili-dog eating, friendly greeting, kindly treating, bully defeating, never retreating, rock and roll man who's kind to children and dogs, but I still understand how others view risk differently,
I'd like to live in a world where 1 in 6 women weren't raped.
I'd like to live in a world where somebody who's in the 10th percentile when it comes to size and strength could walk around with the exact same risk-free lifestyle as those in the 90th percentile.
I'd like to live in a world where a pleasant conversation with a stranger didn't turn into an expectation that the woman was now more likely to engage in sex with the man who initiated it. She answered his question, that must mean that she now wants to go back to his place and take care of his erection, right? Oh, I get that you probably didn't say that to the lady at the restaurant, and you probably wouldn't say it to any lady on the bus. But speaking as the lady on the bus or the restaurant or the grocery line, I'm telling every man here and now that my pleasant exchange about the weather doesn't mean that the next topic should be your penis or my breasts.
When that happens to you a few times, maybe you'll understand why some women don't like talking to strangers. I would just like to live in a world where men didn't ever do that. "Nice weather today." "Yes it is." "So you wanna give me head or what?" (<--- actual conversation stepping off a bus)
About 1 in 60 adult women will be raped by a stranger in their lifetime. If we very conservatively estimate one stranger encounter per week, that's 2,500 in a 50 year adult lifetime (another conservative number). That means 1 in 150,000 stranger encounters results in a rape. So, I do consider planning escape routes on a subway car to be a disproportional reaction to that threat.
I have never been raped and I've never falsely accused anybody of rape or attempted rape. I've been hassled as described above on several occasions. Tell me what you think a more appropriate reaction should be, proportionate to the actual threat. Keep in mind that my physical stature is best described as "petite."