Adverbs not allowed???

[DevilsAdvocate]

Okay: where is she ambulating? And ambulating is a bit vague. Doesn't bring up any mental image at all.

The big green grinning smiley face meant that it was a joke.

Now I have to find a smiley face to indicate that this post was not meant to be insulting or derogatory, but only insightful into some popularly recognized symbolic communication.

 

[gabeygoat]

People can be drunk without staggering... I'm sure Meryl Streep could portray drunk without staggering. .

that's kind of the point though, isn't it?
there are different kinds of drunks. a screenplay should develop a character primarily by action. adverbs are quite helpful in this endeavour

 

[arthwollipot]

Drunk, Jane staggers down the street.​

That sentence doesn't flow -- it clunks.

Jane staggers down the street, drunk​

 

[quarky]

Jane staggers down the street, drunk​

Jane, the drunk, staggers up the street.

Don't know why staggering is always "down" the street.
Except for zombies, of course.

 

[Fnord]

Drunk Jane staggered along the street.

 

[monoman]

Jane staggers down the street, drunk​

BeanBag said earlier that Jane is not necessarily drunk, but appears to be drunk. What your sentence says is that she's definitely drunk.

 

[technoextreme]

Nope. Jane should walk like she's been drinking. The fact that I specified it means it's important to the story somehow. I can't tell the audience she appears to be drunk -- you have to show them. There is no inner dialog in a screenplay. Well, maybe in Airplane ("I have to concentrate... concentrate... echo?... pinch hitting for Pedro Vorvone... Manny Mota"), but not for any "serious" work. The original release of Bladerunner sucked with all the Harrison Ford voice-overs.

DIALOGUE!!!! USE DIALOGUE!!!! JESUS CHRIST ON A POGO STICK. ITS NOT THAT HARD TO CONVEY DRUNKENNESS. Unless your character is a mute then she can talk. Its the easiest manner to convey it. I have met god only knows drunk people whose only indication of being drunk was their dialogue and considering this is a screenplay you might want to you know use the dialogue. And now I just realized why your complaints are dumb. If the only method of conveying the fact that she is drunk is through the stage directions it has to be boring as all hell.

 

[theprestige]

The story calls for Jane to appear drunk?

"Jane appears drunk."

There you go. Essential information, maximum room for interpretation. You're welcome. I won't even ask for a credit.

ETA: "Jane walks down the street. She appears drunk."

 

[technoextreme]

The story calls for Jane to appear drunk?

"Jane appears drunk."

There you go. Essential information, maximum room for interpretation. You're welcome. I won't even ask for a credit.

ETA: "Jane walks down the street. She appears drunk."

I originally had that. Then I thought to myself it couldn't be that simple.
Jane is drunk. She walks down street.

 

[Beanbag]

DIALOGUE!!!! USE DIALOGUE!!!! JESUS CHRIST ON A POGO STICK. ITS NOT THAT HARD TO CONVEY DRUNKENNESS. Unless your character is a mute then she can talk. Its the easiest manner to convey it. I have met god only knows drunk people whose only indication of being drunk was their dialogue and considering this is a screenplay you might want to you know use the dialogue. And now I just realized why your complaints are dumb. If the only method of conveying the fact that she is drunk is through the stage directions it has to be boring as all hell.

In this example, she has no one to talk to. Therefore, all we have to rely on is the actress's ability to portray intoxication through physical acting.

ACTING. You know? Like in the silent movies? Now THERE were a set of actors who could speak volumes without a single line of dialog.

Recent example is from The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo: a young Lizbeth runs up to a car, douses the occupant with gasoline, then throws a match. No dialog. Just all physical acting. You have no doubt what's going on in the actors' minds: Expressions alone tell you what you need to know.

Beanbag

 

[Howie Felterbush]

DIALOGUE!!!! USE DIALOGUE!!!! JESUS CHRIST ON A POGO STICK. ITS NOT THAT HARD TO CONVEY DRUNKENNESS. Unless your character is a mute then she can talk. Its the easiest manner to convey it. I have met god only knows drunk people whose only indication of being drunk was their dialogue and considering this is a screenplay you might want to you know use the dialogue. And now I just realized why your complaints are dumb. If the only method of conveying the fact that she is drunk is through the stage directions it has to be boring as all hell.

EXT. A STREET

Jane staggers down the street

JANE
Sweet merciful crap, am I drunk!!!
PASSING ZOMBIE
Mrh?

 

[theprestige]

a young Lizbeth runs up to a car, douses the occupant with gasoline, then throws a match.

Lizbeth rushes youthfully up to the car, heatedly douses the occupant with gasoline, then throws a match. Burningly.

(How else will the actors know what kinds facial expressions this scene requires?)

 

[quarky]

Drunk Jane staggered along the street.

Much better.

Perhaps she could also vomit on the sidewalk, unceremoniously?

 

[Fnord]

Jane carefully may her way along Stanley Street, focusing on each footstep as if precariously balanced on a thin line that only she could see. Swaying slightly as she stopped at the corner, she blinked and squinted at the crossing light. Once she was certain of its sincerity, she set out across the pavement. An impatient driver tapped his horn politely, which elicited only a vague wave from Jane, who continued on with all the remaining dignity she could muster. That was the last that anyone could recall ever seeing her alive.

Her body was found in an attitude of prayer at the chancel steps at Northwich Memorial Hall the following morning.

"It was quite a shock to us all" said Tom McKenzie, compere at Northwich. "Jane was a regular at all of our services, even cleaning up after weddings and such. She mostly kept to herself, though..."

A memorial service for Eleanor "Jane" Rigby will be held this coming Saturday...

 

[TragicMonkey]

Much better.

Perhaps she could also vomit on the sidewalk, unceremoniously?

She may be drunk, but even so Jane would vomit with maximum dignity and poise. I believe she would vomit on the sidewalk with much ceremony. Ritual, even. Pomp. She would vomit like a medieval pope crowning an emperor. Seeing Jane vomit on the sidewalk is a life-changing experience.

 

[Beanbag]

Jane carefully may her way along Stanley Street, focusing on each footstep as if precariously balanced on a thin line that only she could see. Swaying slightly as she stopped at the corner, she blinked and squinted at the crossing light. Once she was certain of its sincerity, she set out across the pavement. An impatient driver tapped his horn politely, which elicited only a vague wave from Jane, who continued on with all the remaining dignity she could muster. That was the last that anyone could recall ever seeing her alive.

Her body was found in an attitude of prayer at the chancel steps at Northwich Memorial Hall the following morning.

"It was quite a shock to us all" said Tom McKenzie, compere at Northwich. "Jane was a regular at all of our services, even cleaning up after weddings and such. She mostly kept to herself, though..."

A memorial service for Eleanor "Jane" Rigby will be held this coming Saturday...

Not a screenplay. No credit for your submission.

Beanbag

 

[Fnord]

Do I get at least get partial credit for not using the words "Drunk", "Staggers", or "Vomit"?

There are ways to get the point across without slapping the reader in the face.

 

[quarky]

She suffered a sudden reversal of peristalsis.

 

[Beanbag]

Do I get at least get partial credit for not using the words "Drunk", "Staggers", or "Vomit"?

There are ways to get the point across without slapping the reader in the face.

No.

Understand that a screenplay is at best a poor translation of material intended for another medium. A screenplay is used to represent on paper an experience intended to be seen and heard. Reading a screenplay is roughly analogous to somebody handing you a stack of sheet music and then asking if you thought it sounded good. A screenplay is a basic framework on which the actors and directors construct their performances upon.

You don't go into great detail on a submission script. You include what is necessary to present the story, but you don't wax too eloquent about it. So, yes, you do sorta club the reader over the head.

If you want subtle exposition and description, then you should write (or read) a novel. Screenplays are brutally simple: you either have to say it or show it: nothing else is allowed.

Beanbag

 

[Beanbag]

Jane carefully may her way along Stanley Street, focusing on each footstep as if precariously balanced on a thin line that only she could see. Swaying slightly as she stopped at the corner, she blinked and squinted at the crossing light. Once she was certain of its sincerity, she set out across the pavement. An impatient driver tapped his horn politely, which elicited only a vague wave from Jane, who continued on with all the remaining dignity she could muster. That was the last that anyone could recall ever seeing her alive.

Her body was found in an attitude of prayer at the chancel steps at Northwich Memorial Hall the following morning.

"It was quite a shock to us all" said Tom McKenzie, compere at Northwich. "Jane was a regular at all of our services, even cleaning up after weddings and such. She mostly kept to herself, though..."

A memorial service for Eleanor "Jane" Rigby will be held this coming Saturday...

BTW, excellent piece of writing there. I mean it. It was an enjoyable, intriguing read, and certainly held my interest. It would make a good passage in a novel.

That style of writing would never make it in a screenplay, however.

If that's an example of how you write, you should pursue it further. You've got a good turn on words.

Beanbag