"Bondage lovers normal, maybe even happier"

osmosis said:
In my limited firsthand experience as a dom, being a sub tends to coincide with being sexually lazy.

Almost every time I've had a BDSM experience, I've felt that she was just making me take all the responsibility and do all the work.
Click to expand...

Uhm.....I don't mean any disrespect, but if that is truly how you felt, then you were both doing it wrong.

There's a give and take between the Dom and sub. I like to explain it like this: the Dom is driving the car, but the sub is holding the map.
 
JFrankA said:
Uhm.....I don't mean any disrespect, but if that is truly how you felt, then you were both doing it wrong.

There's a give and take between the Dom and sub. I like to explain it like this: the Dom is driving the car, but the sub is holding the map.
Click to expand...

Perhaps I was doing it wrong. Being dominant in that way never came naturally to me, it was learned when I started meeting women who knew they wanted to be dominated. :blush:
 
MG1962 said:
Agreed - However car batteries will, espcially when used to extreme
Click to expand...

Car batteries are a horrible choice, low voltage high current, this means that if break the skin you can get pretty high current flows, and in the wrong area could easily kill you.
 
osmosis said:
In my limited firsthand experience as a dom, being a sub tends to coincide with being sexually lazy.

Almost every time I've had a BDSM experience, I've felt that she was just making me take all the responsibility and do all the work.
Click to expand...

And if being a reciever of attention is the attraction, that might not be a bad thing. Now as this passive recieving of attention can be attrative to both people regardless of if it is in BDSM or not I don't think it is a bad thing, unless of course one of the partners is unhappy with it. But then is it really any different from any other sexual incompatability.

As for the illusion of pain with out pain, well after watching Sick, and seeing him talk about how much fun he had the first time he nailed his penis to a board, it would seem that it is not universaly the case.
 
Mark Felt said:
{snip} 10% is the oft cited statistic for homosexuality, {snip}
Click to expand...
According to Joel Best (Damned Lies and Statistics) the 10% figure comes from a misunderstanding of the original Kinsey Report. Ten percent of Kinsey's subjects were gay; but the survey was not representative of the general population. Kinsey may have specifically sought gay people in order to have a large sample of their sexual behavior.

Best goes on to cite research showing that 1-3% of the adult population is gay, and 3-6% of the population reports having a significant homosexual experience, or relationship, sometime during their lives.
 
osmosis said:
Perhaps I was doing it wrong. Being dominant in that way never came naturally to me, it was learned when I started meeting women who knew they wanted to be dominated. :blush:
Click to expand...

It takes time to truly which "side" you are on, or even if you're into BDSM at all.

For example, I went through a long period in my life when I thought I might be submissive. Now I've never enjoyed pain at all, but I thought it would be great to just lie back and let her do what she wants me to. Admittedly, it was a lazy attitude.

But one time, a woman told me that I was a natural Dom and to just try it. Once I started, I realized that being a Dom was more fun than anything else to me. And once I started to be more creative, so did the submissive.

Then it becomes foreplay game within sex. Me coming up with little surprises and expose her to new things or twists on old things, and her keeping me on my toes by dropping hints or even being defiant.

It's more than "you do this NOW", there's a whole mental dance of trust, planning, reaction and surprise in it.

A lot of people who are doing it for the first time really doesn't understand that because of the obvious "trappings" in front of it.
 
To nitpick, BD and SM are not synonmous. There a lots of couple who enjoy tying each other up, but don't get whipping each other and the more extreme fetishes.
 
JFrankA said:
Then it becomes foreplay game within sex. Me coming up with little surprises and expose her to new things or twists on old things, and her keeping me on my toes by dropping hints or even being defiant.
Click to expand...

This is what made me feel like I was doing all the hard stuff. She's running the show, and you're doing all the work. You have to expend effort to keep "coming up with little surprises and expose her to new things or twists on old things" and she "keeps you on your toes," "dropping hints" [about what SHE wants].

JFrankA said:
It's more than "you do this NOW", there's a whole mental dance of trust, planning, reaction and surprise in it.
Click to expand...

Right, YOU have to figure out what SHE wants. YOU have to gain HER trust. YOU take on all the responsibility, and the sex itself is all about HER. You give, she receives.

Just who is dominating whom?

You just confirmed that I wasn't doing it wrong at all, I was doing it the way everyone else does it. But I was able to see through the charade and realise that at the heart of it all, I was merely having sex with a selfish woman.
 
osmosis said:
This is what made me feel like I was doing all the hard stuff. She's running the show, and you're doing all the work. You have to expend effort to keep "coming up with little surprises and expose her to new things or twists on old things" and she "keeps you on your toes," "dropping hints" [about what SHE wants].


Right, YOU have to figure out what SHE wants. YOU have to gain HER trust. YOU take on all the responsibility, and the sex itself is all about HER. You give, she receives.

Just who is dominating whom?

You just confirmed that I wasn't doing it wrong at all, I was doing it the way everyone else does it. But I was able to see through the charade and realise that at the heart of it all, I was merely having sex with a selfish woman.
Click to expand...

You're still looking at the "trappings" and not the whole picture. Two things you're missing:

1. Sex is always a compromise. Sex is an agreement. No sex is good without trust. This is true in "vanilla" sex, BDSM sex, 24/7 slave sex, hell, even sex between a prostitute and a client is agreed upon and both parties come to a compromise. BDSM is no different.

2. Being a Dom is like, as I said before, a driver in a car. The sub is the passenger, holding the map. I don't mean to get poetic here, but to continue the comparison further, their destination is the same place. (Note: forgive me Dommes and male subs but I'm going to say "he" for Dom and "she" for sub simply because I'm in that kind of relationship.) But just because the sub has the map, doesn't mean the Dom has to follow her directions. He could, or he might go down a whole different road, or he might want to stop and make her wait, whatever. He's driving.

Now at any time, she can ask to be let out of the car, and if the Dom is worth his salt, he'd do it.

There's a give and take of control. And yes, a Dom HAS to earn trust. That's essential because a sub is giving total control to him. She is opening up her body and mind so he can push her limits.

In the end, if you want to boil it down, both of Dom and sub are in control of certain pieces of the sex, like all sex. And both sides do work and plan out things.

For example, as a Dom, I never really liked spanking. I'm more of a "mental" Dom than a physical one. Tieing up my sub, playing with giving her pleasure and taking it away, that sort of thing. Spanking didn't do a thing to me. Yet, when I saw how much my sub enjoys it, I'm a big fan of it now.

By the same token, my sub didn't like being leashed. It made her feel like an animal and she never liked being called a "pet". But when she met me, I told her that to me a leash doesn't mean that she's an "animal" or a "pet". The reason why I like it is because when we're at a BDSM party or a swing party, she can go where she wants, do what she wants, but we are still connected. We are still together, sharing all the sexual experiences. Now she loves wearing the leash.

This is the give and take. In both cases, the end result is this: outwardly, she's wearing the leash and has the bruises from the spanking. I can give her leash a tug when I want to come to me, throw her on my knee and spank her until she's red all without telling her why.

But under it all, it's a dance. We're in the car, going to the same place. And, like all sex should be, it's a compromise.
 
The terminology for these various practices seems to vary quite a bit. "BDSM" was meant as a catch-all term, I suppose, encompassing Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, and Masochism.

However, Sadism and Masochism are more prominently clinical terms referring to extremes....
In an effort to come up with a "softer" label, someone coined "D/S" some years back, for Dominance and Submission. Perhaps a better term when referring to the erotic use of these things.
"Fetish" has come to mean (to judge from the variety of websites) mostly costume/clothing play, often leather or rubber. This can include D/S elements as well, of course.
 
Bikewer said:
The terminology for these various practices seems to vary quite a bit. "BDSM" was meant as a catch-all term, I suppose, encompassing Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, and Masochism.

However, Sadism and Masochism are more prominently clinical terms referring to extremes....
In an effort to come up with a "softer" label, someone coined "D/S" some years back, for Dominance and Submission. Perhaps a better term when referring to the erotic use of these things.
"Fetish" has come to mean (to judge from the variety of websites) mostly costume/clothing play, often leather or rubber. This can include D/S elements as well, of course.
Click to expand...

Fetish in common use seems to be very broad, rather than the strict paraphilia definition that some people try to impose on it. It seems to be used in general conversation to at least in part refer to specific if uncommon insterests.
 
Back to the original question for a moment, I wonder if the study is really meaningful at all. Not that bondage loverss are not happy, but isn't it a guaranteed hit to compare a subset of people who have, by definition, figured out what they want and how to get it, with everyone else?

The news would be if they weren't happier.
 
BenBurch said:
Well, that coincides with my experience. BDSMers are a happy bunch who live each and every day.
Click to expand...

Really? I have found them to be engaged in severe self-deception, codependency, and delusions of various sorts. They will self-report as "happy" but in their day-to-day most of them are pathetic and/or miserable.
 
JoeEllison said:
Really? I have found them to be engaged in severe self-deception, codependency, and delusions of various sorts. They will self-report as "happy" but in their day-to-day most of them are pathetic and/or miserable.
Click to expand...

I'm glad we're going down the route of arguing with anecdotes back and forth. It really is the best way to get to the truth, and absolutely does not start pointless flame wars that have no hope of being resolved. Also, once you acquire enough anecdotes, you have sound scientific data.

Also, I'm glad your observations are not in any way subjective, and must definitely be better than the OP's study. In addition, I am glad you have established the majority of the population is not in fact pathetic and/or miserable from day to day.
 
Last edited:
You must log in or register to reply here.

Back
Top Bottom