Mixed Religious Marriages/Relationships?

DmKrispin said:
When my son asks me about death, I tell him that lots of different people have lots of different ideas about what happens when we die, but that no one knows for sure. He recently asked me what I think happens, so I told him. First, I asked him if he remembers anything about before he was growing in my body. He shook his head "no". I then told him that I think that's what it's like when we die -- just nothing. I also added that this is why I think it's important to live a good life -- and that if we spend too much time worring about or fearing death then Life wouldn't be as nice, would it? He seemed to understand and was not at all troubled by my answer. I tell ya, sometimes I think he has a built-in BS detector.
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DM, this is just a beautiful post. Props to you.

Nominated :D
 
:blush:

Aw, shucks ... thanks guys. I feel like I just got a great big happy face stamped on my "mommy card"! Like most of you, I'm just trying to do the best I can. Sometimes I think I actually get it right, which is all any parent can hope for, really.

I must confess that I got the "if you spend too much time worrying about death" bit from watching Caillou when my son was about 2. I just knew it would come in handy one day! While my son really did enjoy the show, I always thought it was more like a primer for parents.



ps. the Santa thing really did PO my relatives ... twice! Once when they were told I wouldn't be doing the "Santa is real" thing (shock, gasp, horror, bad mommy!) ... and again when they found out that their "but it'll take the fun out of Xmas" predictions were wrong, wrong, wrong. I guess I was supposed to be the villian of the piece, but it didn't quite work out that way.

:D (don't worry, I'm still evil!)


ETA:Hugs for you SB, keep on keepin' on.
 
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2 mixed experiences in my life:

1. Parents were mixed: Mom: devout Catholic, Dad: United Church of Christ. We were a Brady Bunch clan. I was one of 4 from mom (my paternal father died of cancer young) and she married my now father who had 3 of his own (his wife also died of cancer). They met through Parents without Partners.

On Sundays, the 4 of us would go to mass with mom and the other 3 would go with dad to "protestant church" (that's what we called it). It worked because both of my parents are fairly "laid back" and liberal at heart. Not much ruffled their feathers. Now, 36 years later, they are still together and still go to different churches.


2. I married another catholic who was the same as me, semi-lukewarm, go to church Sunday, believe for the most part, but not too outward about it. After 6 years of marriage, she has a major conversion after going to see a "visionary" in Conyers, GA. She brought back all kinds of woo woo pics and became a daily-mass-going-crazed-end-of-the-worlds-coming catholic. She tried to convert me, but I went full-scale atheist.

We stayed together as Catholic-non-believer for a few years, but I never said to anyone that I was atheist. I kept going through the motions and pretending "for our daughter" (her words). I stopped going to church all-together, at her request. Her religiosity became over-bearing when I could semi-profess my non-belief. This was the beginning of the end.

I can always mark about the exact date that I stopped going to Sunday mass. The first time she told me stay home, she took our daughter to mass, I went to see "There's Something About Mary". 2 years later, we separated and eventually divorced.

I can see a mixed couple of atheist-casual believer working. But, atheist-charasmatic or atheist-fundamentalist is nearly impossible. She wanted to define everything in life by her religion. I wanted the exact opposite. After this very bad experience, I vowed to myself that I would NOT ever again get involved with someone with a strong bent toward religion.

I dated for a few years, rejecting many women because of their faith. I was honest and open right from the git-go. I did find another atheist and we are still happy together after 8 years of partnership (Neither of us believe that marriage is necessary).

Different thoughts on mild woo, different politics, different attitudes, different opinions....IMHO are part of what makes people great and make good partners. But, having something be THE dominant force in one's life and the other has NONE of it, it's nearly impossible to make that work.

So the score is tied 1-1. Parents are OK since both believe for the most part but my mixed relationship was grand failure due to over-bearing belief.
 
EeneyMinnieMoe said:
I'm currently single and have been so for a long time but I've actually never dated an an atheist/agnostic. The last person I was with was a church-going Catholic but religion honestly never came up as an issue.

I'd actually just as soon date a theist as I would an atheist/ agnostic. It just doesn't bother me one way or another.

Maybe it would be different if marriage and children were involved...but I wouldn't know.
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Children change everything. (Is it a cliché if it is true?) Every weakness in your relationship will be magnified with the addition of children. Of course there is a level of love you have never experienced until you have children. For me, I had (and have) a great relationship with my parents, but when I realized the level of love I have for my children it almost made me feel guilty for my attitude towards my own parents.
 
Although I am agnostic/atheist, I was raised catholic, and am married to a hindu. We are surprisingly compatible on the religious front, with him remarking on how silly all those bible stories are and asking people “did you meet Jesus – how do you know he was real?”, and me loving the hindi stories of all the gods, goddesses and assorted demon thingies. They are like comic book stories for me. He still likes the idea of a god, or all powerful being of energy or somesuch thing, and I am ok with that, especially since he's very much a proponent of personal responsibility and "you make your own luck".

I must admit the hindu traditions are so much more interesting to me than catholic ones, though it's vice-versa for him :) It’s the exoticness of it all. And we really don't clash on religion, although it is pervasive in both of our lives. Family members who are of the same religion have big arguments about religion, and we somehow end up in the middle of the arguments. And they will come to us for advice on relationships and religion. They figure that since we are of very different traditions, and we get along well, we must know "the secret".

During our most recent trip to India, a few weeks ago, we were in the holy city of Haridwar, and my husband and I were given a little prayer ceremony near the Ganges. After the haggling over how much this ceremony should cost – India is so much fun--
I also saw lots of little kids nearby getting their shaved off by the pundits, as this is a regular coming of age ceremony. Once we were back home, we were talking about our visit to the Ganges, and I said that I really didn't like the idea of some dude shaving off my baby’s hair, and this struck a nerve with my hubby. He didn't understand my reluctance, since it's just a ceremony for the family, such as baptism. But I'm not so sure about the water sprinkling ceremony either. It would be done entirely for family reasons, not our own. So apparently we have a lot of talking to do and decisions to make before babies come on the scene. Kids really do change the equation!
 
@ Ribbitalu

You post reminds me that I did "permit" my wife to have my daughter baptized some 35 years ago. We were planning a trip to Jamaica and as she told the reverend gentleman who agreed to do it, it had to be done before we left because it was "bad luck to travel over water it you had not been baptized". The Rev appeared to be somewhat nonplussed at this -- I was watching his face quite carefully -- but agreed to do it anyway. :D

By the time our son was born three years later, she had outgrown this belief and my poor boy has traveled the World without benefit of a splash at the font.

It never bothered me either way. No harm and made my wife happy.

The baby's hair will grow back! :)
 
Huh-What? said:
Children change everything. (Is it a cliché if it is true?) Every weakness in your relationship will be magnified with the addition of children. Of course there is a level of love you have never experienced until you have children. For me, I had (and have) a great relationship with my parents, but when I realized the level of love I have for my children it almost made me feel guilty for my attitude towards my own parents.
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That is, somehow, one of the single most frightening things I have ever heard.

I usually think of myself as generally a responsible and dependable person. I think I would make a fairly good parent. And I like children well enough and think I'm ok at handling them.

But the idea of suddenly having a little person in my arms to take care of, whether through adoption or birth, strikes the fear of death into my heart.
 
That's the funny thing Gord in Toronto, he tried to make me feel better by saying our baby's hair will be thicker because of it... as if Italian x Indian baby hair won't be thick enough!

I just have weird feelings imagining a strange man with a straight razor working over my baby's head. Maybe if a Flowbee was used....

My husband and I will be talking about this soon. I'll feel better once all our concerns and thoughts are aired out. We compromise really well on so many areas in life (including he is a vegetarian and I enjoy all types of meat and sushi) so I'm comfortable that we'll get through this as well.
 
Ribbitalu said:
That's the funny thing Gord in Toronto, he tried to make me feel better by saying our baby's hair will be thicker because of it... as if Italian x Indian baby hair won't be thick enough!

I just have weird feelings imagining a strange man with a straight razor working over my baby's head. Maybe if a Flowbee was used....

My husband and I will be talking about this soon. I'll feel better once all our concerns and thoughts are aired out. We compromise really well on so many areas in life (including he is a vegetarian and I enjoy all types of meat and sushi) so I'm comfortable that we'll get through this as well.
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Italian and Indian. Lucky you! How's the food? Who does the cooking?
:D
 
Chicken curry with fettucine on the side. Happens at our house all the time....
 
EeneyMinnieMoe said:
That is, somehow, one of the single most frightening things I have ever heard.

I usually think of myself as generally a responsible and dependable person. I think I would make a fairly good parent. And I like children well enough and think I'm ok at handling them.

But the idea of suddenly having a little person in my arms to take care of, whether through adoption or birth, strikes the fear of death into my heart.
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Well, there is that, too. I think it's a good sign, though. Any intelligent, rational, responsible person should be scared at the prospect of first-time parenthood. If someone isn't scared (at least on some level) of becoming a parent, then they're either not taking it seriously, naive, or maybe even "not too bright". Parenthood is a huge responsibility, and responsibility is a scary thing. We waited 10 years to start a family. We not only planned for our child, we talked and dreamed endlessly about our baby. I researched and sought advice throughout my pregnancy. My mom, a nurse in the Newborn Nursery, and my MIL, a Labor & Delivery nurse, were extremely helpful and disgustingly frank about the entire affair. My best friend is an excellent mother (smart, resourceful, caring, humorous) of three, and she was a source of much vital and helpful information. I was just about as prepared for motherhood as any first-time mom could be. Even so, I was momentarily taken aback when I realized that the hospital was going to let me take this tiny, helpless infant home with me. I had some complications, both physical and emotional, but with the support and advice of my friends and family, I made it through the initial "oh my god what if I'm not a good mother" feelings.

The thing to remember is that you will have resources and strengths that you didn't even know existed. If you are a thinking, compassionate, responsible person, you stand an excellent chance at being a good parent.

It will be harder than you think ... and more wonderful than you can imagine.
 
EeneyMinnieMoe said:
That is, somehow, one of the single most frightening things I have ever heard.

I usually think of myself as generally a responsible and dependable person. I think I would make a fairly good parent. And I like children well enough and think I'm ok at handling them.

But the idea of suddenly having a little person in my arms to take care of, whether through adoption or birth, strikes the fear of death into my heart.
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My wife and I are "just saying no" to kids. Birth control is a wonderful thing.

Our siblings have 8 kids between them, so the DNA is getting spread around sufficiently, and we love playing the cool Aunt & Uncle routine :D

So for us it's just three things:

1. Each other.
2. Money $$$ :cool:
3. Lots of cats.

To those who have or will have kids, props to you. I'm too damn selfish to do it - hell, I just don't want to share my stuff...
 
My thanks to Robroy an Dmkrispin for their answers - I'll have to look up the book next time I'm at the library, and much respect for getting out of the santa conspiracy!
 
DmKrispin said:
Well, there is that, too. I think it's a good sign, though. Any intelligent, rational, responsible person should be scared at the prospect of first-time parenthood. If someone isn't scared (at least on some level) of becoming a parent, then they're either not taking it seriously, naive, or maybe even "not too bright". Parenthood is a huge responsibility, and responsibility is a scary thing. We waited 10 years to start a family. We not only planned for our child, we talked and dreamed endlessly about our baby. I researched and sought advice throughout my pregnancy. My mom, a nurse in the Newborn Nursery, and my MIL, a Labor & Delivery nurse, were extremely helpful and disgustingly frank about the entire affair. My best friend is an excellent mother (smart, resourceful, caring, humorous) of three, and she was a source of much vital and helpful information. I was just about as prepared for motherhood as any first-time mom could be. Even so, I was momentarily taken aback when I realized that the hospital was going to let me take this tiny, helpless infant home with me. I had some complications, both physical and emotional, but with the support and advice of my friends and family, I made it through the initial "oh my god what if I'm not a good mother" feelings.

The thing to remember is that you will have resources and strengths that you didn't even know existed. If you are a thinking, compassionate, responsible person, you stand an excellent chance at being a good parent.

It will be harder than you think ... and more wonderful than you can imagine.
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Thank you. That's very kind of you and it means alot.

I know you can only ever prepare yourself to a certain extent. I know there's no way to avoid the feelings of uncertainty, complete lack of self-confidence and terror.I know it's always going to be one scary and crazy experience, no matter what you do. Like you said, though, I think I'd panic at the moment the hospital gives them to me to actually take home with me.

The very idea of a tiny and helpless infant completely and totally dependent on me for everything makes me sweat. It occured to me that adoption might be better, if only because a toddler or a young child wouldn't be quite so vulnerable and helpless...but it wouldn't be any different. It would be exactly the same.
 
EeneyMinnieMoe said:
Thank you. That's very kind of you and it means alot.

I know you can only ever prepare yourself to a certain extent. I know there's no way to avoid the feelings of uncertainty, complete lack of self-confidence and terror.I know it's always going to be one scary and crazy experience, no matter what you do. Like you said, though, I think I'd panic at the moment the hospital gives them to me to actually take home with me.

The very idea of a tiny and helpless infant completely and totally dependent on me for everything makes me sweat. It occured to me that adoption might be better, if only because a toddler or a young child wouldn't be quite so vulnerable and helpless...but it wouldn't be any different. It would be exactly the same.
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Don't worry so much. A few millions of years of evolution have prepared you for the job and the teaming billions of us on this planet prove we humans usually get it right. Babies get you trained right in no time. :D
 
I remember just giggling like a fool about a day after the hospital discharged me that they had let me take some that needed such commitment home.

Gord_in_Toronto said:
Don't worry so much. A few millions of years of evolution have prepared you for the job and the teaming billions of us on this planet prove we humans usually get it right. Babies get you trained right in no time. :D
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I think that's the purpose of the sleep deprivation. You are overwhelmed by the general tinyness and dependency....until you need to nap. The first three months are horrible, but at the end of it you'll kill anyone who touches your precious.
 
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