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Mixed Religious Marriages/Relationships?

Huh-What? said:
I don't know how you do it, RobRoy? I have two young sons and my wife is a luke warm believer. I tolerate the occasional prayer before a holiday dinner (by her family, the wife never does), but I will not let me boys go to church until they are old enough to figure out that some adults believe weird things. Looking in from the outside I get nauseated by the indoctrination children are subject to by any religion. I would fight anybody who tried to get my kids in church at their age.
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It's not too tricky. While I'm with you on the specific indoctrination, I figure that I'll be around to balance things out a bit, and at the very least they, the kids, will end up with an interestingly balanced point of view. There are good things to be said for organized religion, such as a guaranteed dating pool, access to folk who offer quality services at a discounted rate, and cheep babysitting services. The social aspects alone are quite impressive. :)

But seriously, it was what I agreed to with my wife before we were married, and I honestly did not then, and do not now, think that religion is a bad thing or ultimately harmful in the long term. I have some good friends who are very religious. If the worst that can be said of my children is that they are good people who are also religious, I consider that something of a victory.
 
I'm an atheist marrying a catholic in October. She's distanced herself from the majority of the flummery of the religion, but retains a new-agey spiritualism about the whole thing.

The only time religion has ever come up as a problem was when we were discussing what to do with potential children. She told me she absolutely didn't want me destroying faith, because 'Kids need to think someone's watching out for them during bad times." She was unconvinced by my argument that 'someone' should be us first and then the child him/herself.

As negotiations continued, at first she was up in arms against the idea that if she brought them to a catholic church, I would educate them about other religions by taking them to other places of worship as well. She didn't understand my position that by only exposing them to one religion, she would be highlighting it as the normal religion.

Eventually we took a turn on a fairness themed discussion and said that she could share her beliefs with them and I could share mine. It was a most anti-climatic conclusion and it hasn't come up again.
 
Strong atheist here married to a luke warm Methodist for nearly 20 yrs. One daughter (12) loves the Youth Group stuff----choir, homeless shelter help, senior center visits etc. ..son (9) couldn't care less about any of it. I made it clear early on that if our children chose to go to church,that I would be "ok".-not thrilled mind you, but "ok", I figured with me at home to present a differing opinion, they would have a chance to see the other side. It's worked well for us. The only sticky point was when daughter was little and I would pick her up at church and she would introduce me to everyone as "This is my mom. She doesn't believe in god.":o
 
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Geez, all these stories from happy (or at least functional) mixed couples. Here's something to counterbalance all this nauseating competence in dealing with the differences. My ex-wife's slow but steady increase in wooishness was a major factor in the growing incompatibility that eventually led to our divorce. And years later, the moment I realized I was going to have to break off my engagement to would-have-been wife #2 was when she revealed that she fully expected, and would insist, that I hide my atheism from our future children.

I'm not bitter (seriously), but I am at a loss as to how so many of you seem to make it work.
 
Gord_in_Toronto said:
It is interesting how much your experience matches mine. Are you my long lost twin brother? :D

My wife does attend a local church on a occasional Sunday basis and she and I have attended a couple of their functions (we had a nice bus trip and cruise last summer). The church is a small sect with only a few church locations in Canada and the US. They are more to the fundamentalist end of the spectrum but not obnoxiously so (IMHO). The members I have met do not bring up religion in my presence and neither do I in theirs. I would not indulge in any religious "discussions" with them for my wife's sake. ;)
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I may well be your long lost twin brother. It was the thing to do, back in my days, when someone had an unwanted baby, that they go to Toronto to have it and put it up for adoption.

As I only live 200 klicks from Toronto it is very possible that my mother and father decided that twin boys was not a viable option.
 
jimmygun said:
I may well be your long lost twin brother. It was the thing to do, back in my days, when someone had an unwanted baby, that they go to Toronto to have it and put it up for adoption.

As I only live 200 klicks from Toronto it is very possible that my mother and father decided that twin boys was not a viable option.
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[valleygirl] Ohmygodthatssoamazing[/valleygirl]. Oops. No wait. I was born in the UK.
:o
 
Quinn said:
I'm not bitter (seriously), but I am at a loss as to how so many of you seem to make it work.
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I'm sorry to hear about wife #2. That is a rather unfortunate position she took, and foolish besides. But your story highlights exactly how my wife and I "make it work". We were open and upfront about how we would handle our children, our relationship, our lives in light of our differing views. If she had demanded that I become LDS, or that I hide what I am, then we would never have moved forward with our relationship. To me, asking someone to "hide" who they are religion-wise (or not, as the case may be) is similar to asking them to hide any fundamental part of themselves, like race, or cultural background.
 
Quinn said:
Geez, all these stories from happy (or at least functional) mixed couples. Here's something to counterbalance all this nauseating competence in dealing with the differences. My ex-wife's slow but steady increase in wooishness was a major factor in the growing incompatibility that eventually led to our divorce. And years later, the moment I realized I was going to have to break off my engagement to would-have-been wife #2 was when she revealed that she fully expected, and would insist, that I hide my atheism from our future children.

I'm not bitter (seriously), but I am at a loss as to how so many of you seem to make it work.
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If my wife suddenly or slowly became more religious it would create a wedge between us. If such demands as "hide your atheism from our kids" were delivered then a monumental fight would break out and it could end my marriage if she was unwilling to retract. I don't think that she would make such a demand.
 
I'm not in a relationship relationship (thank goodness!) but my best friend of several years is strongly into woo - she beleives in all kinds of stuff - ghosts, psychic stuff - she even gives lessons on reading palms. I would never have thought I'd be able to get along, except for three things. One, she's a very intelligent person otherwise and perfectly open to new ideas, two, she tolerates me and my frothing rages about the the stupid, horrible things people do in the name of groundless beliefs, and three, she knows darn well how nutty her beliefs appear and has a great sense of humor about it. Her name is Opehlia, and as a running joke every time she mentions something transcendental one of the other of us will quote that line from the Simpsons, "No one out-crazies Ophelia!".
 
I'm catholic and my husband is atheist. I'm finding it odd, reading this thread, that it's me who doesn't want the kid confirmed till she's old enough to decide for herself. Maybe I'm an atheist in denial?

I plan to answer her questions (she's only 10 months now) about where we come etc with sciencey (I know it's not a word, but you know what I mean) answers. I probably don't have a choice about Santa as all of her other relatives will be pushing him. But, what will I tell her about death? Do I just say nobody knows? Will that not freak a small child out? What did all you guys do? (My husband thinks death is the absolute end, that children = the only life after death possible and isn't afraid of this. He makes me feel really weak *sulk*)
 
Naughtyhippo said:
I'm catholic and my husband is atheist. I'm finding it odd, reading this thread, that it's me who doesn't want the kid confirmed till she's old enough to decide for herself. Maybe I'm an atheist in denial?
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Nopers, sounds to me like you're one of the truly good Catholics out there. Blind adherence is a bad thing. All Catholics are supposed to find the truth of the church's teachings before following along.

But, what will I tell her about death? Do I just say nobody knows? Will that not freak a small child out? What did all you guys do?
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It all depends on your point of view and religious convictions, doesn't it. There are a number of decent books out there that can help give you some age-specific answers to the questions. One that we have is called Just Tell Me What to Say by Betsy Braun.
 
MattusMaximus said:
I'm an atheist, and my wife is a Christian. We've been together for 15+ years and we love each other more than I can say. I tell her that though I believe there's no heaven it doesn't bother me because my life with her is heaven enough for me.

We have no kids, just a bunch of cats.
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But what do you teach the cats? They must be so confused!
 
Naughtyhippo said:
I plan to answer her questions (she's only 10 months now) about where we come etc with sciencey (I know it's not a word, but you know what I mean) answers. I probably don't have a choice about Santa as all of her other relatives will be pushing him.
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I have a six-year-old boy. I've always presented Santa as a fun tradition -- I say Santa's not really really real, but it's a lot fun to pretend he is. Contrary to the dire predictions of my Santa-pushing relatives, my son enjoys Christmas just as much as (or more than) the other kids. The lights are just as sparkly, the ornaments are just as colorful, the carols are sung with just as much enthusiasm, and the presents are just as eagerly anticipated. He loves the stories, TV shows, and movies. He gets his picture made with the mall Santa, and he gets a real kick out of writing his letter to Santa. We don't use Santa as a bargaining chip ("be good or else!"), and even though we all participate in the acknowledged charade, we don't have to lie to him.

Naughtyhippo said:
But, what will I tell her about death? Do I just say nobody knows? Will that not freak a small child out? What did all you guys do? (My husband thinks death is the absolute end, that children = the only life after death possible and isn't afraid of this. He makes me feel really weak *sulk*)
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When my son asks me about death, I tell him that lots of different people have lots of different ideas about what happens when we die, but that no one knows for sure. He recently asked me what I think happens, so I told him. First, I asked him if he remembers anything about before he was growing in my body. He shook his head "no". I then told him that I think that's what it's like when we die -- just nothing. I also added that this is why I think it's important to live a good life -- and that if we spend too much time worring about or fearing death then Life wouldn't be as nice, would it? He seemed to understand and was not at all troubled by my answer. I tell ya, sometimes I think he has a built-in BS detector.
 
I'm in the market for a new mom, DM. Want to apply? :D

(my way of saying your son is a fortunate boy.)
 
I once knew a woman (a teacher I had as a child) who as a Christian, married an Atheist. He was killed tragically after a few years of marriage. Her stance on the matter which was "Thank god he died, he was leading me away from my faith. I am much better off without him, and I am glad god killed him". The thing is, this was not an unhappy marriage, and he was not a bad person. She simply regarded her faith more important than her marriage, and another human’s life.
I was bemused to hear this as a child, but due to my indoctrination into the Christian faith, this seemed semi reasonable.
This now seems despicable. I find it astounding that people can be so narrowed minded to think that a God would toy with everyone else’s life to guide their own. Everyone is merely a puppet of god, in the spectacle of their life. (The book of Job is a great example of this). Such a self centered view of the world.
 
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slingblade said:
I'm in the market for a new mom, DM. Want to apply? :D

(my way of saying your son is a fortunate boy.)
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I'm with you Sling, what a great answer. Can I get a do over? All I'm asking is to make my daughter 4 years old again (she just turned 13) so I can say all the right things. Is that too much to ask?
 
I'm currently single and have been so for a long time but I've actually never dated an an atheist/agnostic. The last person I was with was a church-going Catholic but religion honestly never came up as an issue.

I'd actually just as soon date a theist as I would an atheist/ agnostic. It just doesn't bother me one way or another.

Maybe it would be different if marriage and children were involved...but I wouldn't know.
 
DmKrispin said:
I have a six-year-old boy. I've always presented Santa as a fun tradition -- I say Santa's not really really real, but it's a lot fun to pretend he is. Contrary to the dire predictions of my Santa-pushing relatives, my son enjoys Christmas just as much as (or more than) the other kids. The lights are just as sparkly, the ornaments are just as colorful, the carols are sung with just as much enthusiasm, and the presents are just as eagerly anticipated. He loves the stories, TV shows, and movies. He gets his picture made with the mall Santa, and he gets a real kick out of writing his letter to Santa. We don't use Santa as a bargaining chip ("be good or else!"), and even though we all participate in the acknowledged charade, we don't have to lie to him.


When my son asks me about death, I tell him that lots of different people have lots of different ideas about what happens when we die, but that no one knows for sure. He recently asked me what I think happens, so I told him. First, I asked him if he remembers anything about before he was growing in my body. He shook his head "no". I then told him that I think that's what it's like when we die -- just nothing. I also added that this is why I think it's important to live a good life -- and that if we spend too much time worring about or fearing death then Life wouldn't be as nice, would it? He seemed to understand and was not at all troubled by my answer. I tell ya, sometimes I think he has a built-in BS detector.
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This post triggers thinking about what I remember being told about death as a child. The only thing I can remember is that it "was like sleep but you never woke up". I don't remember this causing me any mental discomfort. Curious. And yet it was a stnding joke in my later life about me being really worried when I was four or so about Father Christmas coming down the chimbley. Even more curious. :(

I'll ask my kids what they remember about Santa.
 
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