How to kill a conversation with polyamory

[Upchurch]

This is definitely in the "Social Issues" side of things rather than "Politics".

So, this weekend my wife went to a strange female ritual known as a "stamping party". (That alone, I find scary and confusing, but is not the point of the thread.) It was hosted in the home of a non-married couple that we know through the neighborhood association and, more specifically, through our efforts to get a neighborhood dog park started. I will call them "Host" and "Hostess".

Mrs. Upchurch knew no one else there so, being friendly, she asked the woman next to her how she knew Hostess. The woman was apparently struggling with how to describe the relationship so Hostess, being helpful, volunteered, "We are both dating Host. We are polyamorous."

Now, Mrs. Upchurch is a fairly liberal-minded person. We live in a predominately minority neighborhood (or did when we moved in). We are fairly active in the gay community for being a straight couple. "Different" does not generally mean "scary" in our book. However, managed to weird Mrs. Upchurch out with, "we are polyamorous."

There are a whole bunch of unanswered questions at play here for both Mrs. Upchurch and myself. I think the most underlying question is that "polyamorous" doesn't really help to define the relationship between the woman and Hostess and kind of muddles what we thought we understood the relationship between Hostess and Host to be.

We've read the wikipedia entry for polyamory and that didn't help either, since it seems to cover everything from committed multiple partner relationships to swinging. So, does anyone have an inkling as to what this strangeness is that is going on in our neighborhood?

 

[Marquis de Carabas]

I'm sure he won't mind me mentioning it, since he has been open about it prior, but our own arthwollipot is polyamourous. His take on it can be found here. Assuming he notices this thread, I imagine he'd be happy to answer your questions. Shoot him a PM if he doesn't show up soon.

 

[The Central Scrutinizer]

OK, so what guy would be against this? It sounds like Nirvana!

 

[toddjh]

We've read the wikipedia entry for polyamory and that didn't help either, since it seems to cover everything from committed multiple partner relationships to swinging. So, does anyone have an inkling as to what this strangeness is that is going on in our neighborhood?

Could be anything from a committed multiple partner relationship to swinging. Although probably closer to the former, since they're at social functions together and apparently "out" about their relationship.

From the way she phrased it, it sounds like a "vee:" both women are seeing Host, but aren't necessarily involved with each other too.

 

[ponderingturtle]

This is definitely in the "Social Issues" side of things rather than "Politics".

So, this weekend my wife went to a strange female ritual known as a "stamping party". (That alone, I find scary and confusing, but is not the point of the thread.) It was hosted in the home of a non-married couple that we know through the neighborhood association and, more specifically, through our efforts to get a neighborhood dog park started. I will call them "Host" and "Hostess".

Mrs. Upchurch knew no one else there so, being friendly, she asked the woman next to her how she knew Hostess. The woman was apparently struggling with how to describe the relationship so Hostess, being helpful, volunteered, "We are both dating Host. We are polyamorous."

Now, Mrs. Upchurch is a fairly liberal-minded person. We live in a predominately minority neighborhood (or did when we moved in). We are fairly active in the gay community for being a straight couple. "Different" does not generally mean "scary" in our book. However, managed to weird Mrs. Upchurch out with, "we are polyamorous."

There are a whole bunch of unanswered questions at play here for both Mrs. Upchurch and myself. I think the most underlying question is that "polyamorous" doesn't really help to define the relationship between the woman and Hostess and kind of muddles what we thought we understood the relationship between Hostess and Host to be.

We've read the wikipedia entry for polyamory and that didn't help either, since it seems to cover everything from committed multiple partner relationships to swinging. So, does anyone have an inkling as to what this strangeness is that is going on in our neighborhood?

It does not sound like you have enough information to determine where on that scale they fall. It did sound like woman and the host have a longer term relationship but more than that I wouldn't know what to think they did.

As for what confused me what is a stamping party, wikipedia was entirely unhelpful about that.

 

[DaChew]

I suspect the definition is just broad enough to allow anyone not in a traditional relationship with only one other person to shoehorn their mess under the "polyamorous" umbrella. That's probably because the word "swingers" has such bad conotations (their own fault for including photos in magazines and web sites catering to that crowd. There are precious few photogenic swingers apparently)

After all, hostess was clearly defining "dating" in some way that is undoubtedly foreign to the majority of us. What "polyamorous" actually means and what woman and hostess think or want it to mean is likely to be just as skewed.

 

[corplinx]

Polyamory, like I need another crazy woman in my life. Sounds like masochism to me.


Edited to add: Then again I am the Hank Hill of atheists.

 

[Upchurch]

As for what confused me what is a stamping party, wikipedia was entirely unhelpful about that.

All I know is that it costs $10, allows husbands to play video games for a couple of hours uninterrupted, and wives come back with things like fancy birthday cards that they made.

Beyond that, I really didn't ask.

 

[toddjh]

All I know is that it costs $10, allows husbands to play video games for a couple of hours uninterrupted, and wives come back with things like fancy birthday cards that they made.

*slaps a fifty-dollar bill down on the table*

P.S. my birthday is October 7!

 

[StewartG]

All I know is that it costs $10, allows husbands to play video games for a couple of hours uninterrupted, and wives come back with things like fancy birthday cards that they made.

Beyond that, I really didn't ask.

WOW, I would have to file that one under "bargain of the century!"

Seriously though, I thought polyamory was having sex with parrots? Am I wrong here...?

 

[Beerina]

All I know is that it costs $10, allows husbands to play video games for a couple of hours uninterrupted,QUOTE]

So both this guy's "wives" are away for a few hours once in awhile, during which he plays video games, then they come back and make 3-way love in the afternoon, with the girls touching each other, "discovering" things about themselves, we're all friends here, etc.

Remind me to change the check boxes on the "way you want your life to go" form next life.

 

[toddjh]

Remind me to change the check boxes on the "way you want your life to go" form next life.

Two words: synchronized periods.

 

[Upchurch]

To the best of my knowledge, only Hostess and Host live in the house. The woman was not apart of the household.

 

[Tanstaafl]

The main difference between polyamory and swingers is that swingers are just about the sex.

Polyamory is about the emotional relationships. And sex.

As far as I know, it usually does not involve group sex either.

It is typically a committed couple at the core, each of which has the freedom to pursue outside relationships as well.

Requires major suppression of jealousy.

This may not describe the general case, or cover all permutations, it is mostly a summary of the folks I have encountered or heard of.

 

[toddjh]

Requires major suppression of jealousy.

In a lot of cases yes, but not always. I'm in a semi-poly relationship, and I appear to have been born without a Jealousy Lobe. I just don't experience that feeling very much. My wife is a different story, but that may have more to do with my poor taste in women (apart from her).

 

[ponderingturtle]

The main difference between polyamory and swingers is that swingers are just about the sex.

Polyamory is about the emotional relationships. And sex.

As far as I know, it usually does not involve group sex either.

How much overlap between groups is there?

 

[senorpogo]

Edited to add: Then again I am the Hank Hill of atheists.

You sell propane?

 

[Ian Osborne]

Alas, you hit the nail on the head here:

We've read the wikipedia entry for polyamory and that didn't help either, since it seems to cover everything from committed multiple partner relationships to swinging.

This is no failing on Wikipedia's part, but a function of the fact that the term 'polyamorous' is a very broad one. Reading between the lines, it seems the host and hostess are a married couple, but he has a girlfriend too, with her full consent. Perhaps it's more like an open relationship rather than polyamory? I wonder if he would describe his relationship with the two women as 'polyamorous'?

 

[ernon]

OK, so what guy would be against this? It sounds like Nirvana!

It does at first blush doesn't it? But then when one stops thinking about the sex and thinks about all of the other relationship issues, times two...it's not always enjoyable but it is always interesting.

My wife and I have been in a committed relationship with another woman for almost two years. We don't swing and the women do not have a physical relationship. All in all, we are pretty boring I guess. We just decided we wanted to be with each other for the rest of our lives and it seemed the sensible thing. The relationship is otherwise as "normal" as with any other couple, but with input from three. Oh, and I wear a wedding ring on each hand.

 

[Dave1001]

We've read the wikipedia entry for polyamory and that didn't help either, since it seems to cover everything from committed multiple partner relationships to swinging.

Is that how it's spelled? And it's one word? All this time I thought people were saying "Polly and Mary"!