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How to kill a conversation with polyamory

ernon said:
It does at first blush doesn't it? But then when one stops thinking about the sex and thinks about all of the other relationship issues, times two...it's not always enjoyable but it is always interesting.

My wife and I have been in a committed relationship with another woman for almost two years. We don't swing and the women do not have a physical relationship. All in all, we are pretty boring I guess. We just decided we wanted to be with each other for the rest of our lives and it seemed the sensible thing. The relationship is otherwise as "normal" as any with other couple, but with input from three. Oh, and I wear a wedding ring on each hand.
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Cool!! It just goes to show you, there is more than one way to live life.

Maybe I should try this. Many women have told me I am an *********. If I were to have two wives, would I be half as much of a jerk so they could each tolerate me or would I be twice as much of a jerk, in which case they would both leave? I hate math problems. :confused: :D :D

Enjoy life. You only have one shot at it.
 
I would just think that unless all parties are ROCK steady at Maslow's fifth level of need (self actualization), emotional and psychological issues would render any sexual relationship with more than two people involved as very unstable.

On the other hand (if you'll pardon the pun), before I met my wife, I had a hard time maintaining a healthy sexual relationship with just myself. Go figure! :rolleyes:
 
Man, there's no way I could afford to divorce 2 women at once! The two consecutive divorces have really got me skint as it is!
 
I'd like a rollcall on the married guys saying they'd want another wife.

I like stamp camp too. I got real good at NCAA 2005 one winter. Get her into scrapbooking. Friday evenings from 7pm-1am for 4 pages. It's a drunk's dream.
 
Tanstaafl said:
Requires major suppression of jealousy.
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It seems to me that if polygamy, for you, requires "major suppression of jealousy", then you shouldn't be participating. I get the feeling that some people are participating in polygamous relationships because they've been convinced that there is something "immature" about wanting exclusivity, and that's very unhealthy.
 
Art Vandelay said:
I get the feeling that some people are participating in polygamous relationships because they've been convinced that there is something "immature" about wanting exclusivity, and that's very unhealthy.
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While I agree with you that there's nothing immature about wanting sexual exclusivity, you can make a pretty good case that, in many cultures, it's unrealistic to expect it. The best data indicates that around half of all American women in monogamous relationships (and a considerably higher percentage of men) are unfaithful at one time or another, and I'd be surprised if the numbers were that much different in Europe or other western cultures.

I think it is immature to expect that your relationship will be immune to trends like that, in the same way that it's immature to get married with your head full of fantasies about the impossibility of divorce. Most people seem to prefer the "cross your fingers and hope it never happens" approach, but I'm not sure that's any healthier.

I'm definitely not saying that people should prefer poly relationships; do whatever works for you. But at the same time, I can't bring myself to condemn people who've decided they'd rather deal with feelings of jealousy than risk the (arguably greater) difficulties of dealing with the fallout of infidelity.
 
Art Vandelay said:
It seems to me that if polygamy, for you, requires "major suppression of jealousy", then you shouldn't be participating. I get the feeling that some people are participating in polygamous relationships because they've been convinced that there is something "immature" about wanting exclusivity, and that's very unhealthy.
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What a crock. Marriage isn't for everyone, being single isn't for everyone, open relationships aren't for everyone, etc., etc. People pick their lifestyle according to what they want. You are trying to project your feelings about relationships onto someone with a completely different set of values. THAT IS UNHEALTHY.
If you don't have what it takes to live a particular lifestyle then you shouldn't live it but you also shouldn't judge those people who do have what it takes. You certainly shouldn't expect them to live your lifestyle.
 
I don't know if people here are judging, or simply observing by experience that instability tends to occur.
 
toddjh said:
I think it is immature to expect that your relationship will be immune to trends like that,
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Well, yes and no. On one hand, one can't be sure that one's spouse will be faithful, but the attitude of "Well, half of women are unfaithful, therefore there's a 50% chance that my wife with be unfaithful" is knda silly.

But at the same time, I can't bring myself to condemn people who've decided they'd rather deal with feelings of jealousy than risk the (arguably greater) difficulties of dealing with the fallout of infidelity.
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That seems a bit like amputating leg to avoid the possibility that it might get burned.

qayak said:
You are trying to project your feelings about relationships onto someone with a completely different set of values. THAT IS UNHEALTHY.
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I get the feeling that you really didn't read my post very carefully. I'm saying that if someone doesn't feel comfortable with an open relationship, but goes along with it anyway becasue they feel like they "should" be okay with it, that's unhealthy. If one's set of "values" includes the idea that one should suppress jealousy, then that's not a set of "values" that I endorse. There's big difference between being in an open relationship because that's the kind of relationship one wants, and being in one because one has been pressured into it.

If you don't have what it takes to live a particular lifestyle then you shouldn't live it but you also shouldn't judge those people who do have what it takes. You certainly shouldn't expect them to live your lifestyle.
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I'm judging people who judge people for not being in open relationships, and who expect others to live ther lifestyle.

Your use of the term "what it takes" is just bizarre. Love shouldn't be about "what it takes". Love should be about LOVE, not some ego trip about whether you "have what it takes". You make it sound like some sort of competition. "Look at how enlightened I am! I have an open relationship! Clearly I'm better than those other people that don't 'have what it takes'!". This is the sort of thinking that leads to homosexuals marrying someone of the opposite sex because they think they "have what it takes" to make it work. Someone without the natural inclination for open relationships trying to force themself into one is just as unhealthy as a homosexual trying to force themself to "be hetersexual". Just because someone CAN deal with an open relationship doesn't mean they SHOULD. The issue should be whether one want to be in an open relationship, not whether one is willing.
 
I can't tell you how delighted I am to see that someone has finally come up with a way to make relationships even more complicated.

Tab A. Slot B. It ain't rocket science, folks.
 
Art Vandelay said:
Well, yes and no. On one hand, one can't be sure that one's spouse will be faithful, but the attitude of "Well, half of women are unfaithful, therefore there's a 50% chance that my wife with be unfaithful" is knda silly.
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Of course each situation is different, but people are terrible judges of things like that. If you polled newlyweds, how many would give their marriage only a 50% chance of surviving, even though that's what the numbers say? How many women would admit their husband has a 75% chance of cheating sooner or later? Hardly any, even though that's statistically impossible. Denial is a powerful force, especially in relationships which we're conditioned to believe are permanent and unbreakable.

I maintain that it's irrational to assume you're immune to that phenomenon. Everybody assumes they're immune to that phenomenon, and most of them are wrong.

That seems a bit like amputating leg to avoid the possibility that it might get burned.
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More like amputating one leg to avoid a 50% chance of losing both. I concede that it's an unpleasant dilemma, but it's not crazy to suggest that some people might prefer the devil they know over the devil they don't.
 
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Back in my day (dodder dodder, creak) it was called an "open relationship," and people who had one didn't seem to spend near as much time talking about it as those who identify themselves as "Polyamorous" today. It can be rewarding, but if one's "sattelite" partners are less polyamorous than the primary couple it can get quite messy emotionally. It requires the ability to be brutally honest with yourself, which may be the hardest part.
 
Polaris said:
On paper perhaps, but get a bunch of women together where they can start scheming, and sexiness turns into scariness in a hurry.
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Hey doesn't everyone what to have political postureing come into their sex life. You get politics when you get multipal people together
 
Polaris said:
On paper perhaps, but get a bunch of women together where they can start scheming, and sexiness turns into scariness in a hurry.
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Well, that finally explains this...

Sir Lancelot: We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.
Sir Galahad: I don't think I was.
Sir Lancelot: Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril.
Sir Galahad: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.
Sir Lancelot: No, it's too perilous.
Sir Galahad: Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can.
Sir Lancelot: No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on.
Sir Galahad: Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?
Sir Lancelot: No. It's unhealthy.
Sir Galahad: I bet you're gay.
Sir Lancelot: Am not.
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My roommate has a lot of "polys" in his circle of friends, but I haven't met them in person.

I have no idea how well it all works out for them.
 
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