Kathy, I know exactly who you are. Or, at least, I know a good deal about why you think what you think. Let's see how I do.
Power. You don't really have any. Oh, you know what it is, and you see it in others--usually others who have some sort of power over you: family, teachers, employers, significant others....
For most of your life, you've felt pretty powerless. So much so that you've fantasized for hours about what you'd do if you had magic powers, or if you got three wishes, or if you were Samantha, or Sabrina. But magic like that either doesn't exist, or isn't meant for you, because you've never had it, and you've sure needed it.
You've tried drugs, because they can either make you feel nine feet tall and bulletproof, or make you so dreamy you don't give a rat's fat behind about anything. Shoot, for some people, certain drugs can make them just feel "normal." Then you realize you can't even control the power drugs have over you, and you feel like such a loser, because you gave them that power, and you didn't even know you had it to start with.
Of course you tried Wicca and Paganism, crystals and tarot and healing stones, invocations to the Goddess (because men have been such jerks to you, usually, that they're real hard to worship) and essential oils and herbs...
But none of that really gave you any power, either. In fact, it was getting around that you believed all that crap, and people were starting to look at you funny.
You've tried relationships, but somehow the guys you picked always had some flaw. You never could find just the right guy, or even the adequate guy. They all wanted to control you, or ignore you, or just use you for whatever. And if they couldn't get what they wanted, they might hit you. Power again. Always someone else's power.
And then, gloriosky, you found God! Another wish-fullfiller, another promise-maker, but this time, the most powerful one of them all! Shoot, just look at how many people say they believe, too! Surely you can manage to fit in with that crowd--it's huge. Surely you've finally found the one thing that will take control of your life and manage it for you--why, you don't even need that stinking old "power" anymore. You've got the power of numbers. Most people approve of Christians. Most people accept social rejects who "find the Lord and turn their lives around." In fact, you've even met people who not only want to hear your story of redemption, but actually ask you to tell it! This is great! People notice you, and they give you strokes, and they nod and murmur approval when you cite Bible verses or speak of some insight the lord has given you.
You don't even have to fully take responsibility for anything you've done. Sure you committed sins: you belonged to Satan, after all. How could you help but be sinful? But God forgives! It's all okay now! You did do wrong, but you couldn't really help it, and now God is in control. God controls your life, and now you can finally stop looking for power.
Me, though, I'm not all that impressed. As far as I can tell, you're just on the next leg in your search. You're just looking in the next most logical place to find what you don't have.
Logical, that is, if one refuses to look to oneself. See, I figure there are a couple of ways, at least, to seek power. (Heh.)
You can look for power in outside sources, or you can look to yourself.
I wonder if you realize that your conversion to Christianity is equivalent to your involvement in Paganism, drugs, and relationships? You just call it something else now, and follow a slightly different set of rules. And what you believe now is more acceptable; that's important. But it's all still a search for power from a source outside yourself.
To sum this up: you're still just waiting for someone to grant your three wishes, rather than realizing you're the only one who can. And I'm trying to tell you that if that's what you want, by all means, please have it. Please take it into that corner there and have it all you want.
But stop asking me why I don't want it. I know something you don't know, that's why I don't want it. Maybe someday you'll figure out what I know, and you won't want it anymore, either. Or maybe you'll figure out how to keep from shoving it down unwilling throats.
At least, that's my wish.
