What did Newsnight say, John?
First, as a point of order, call me either LondonJohn or LJ please.
But on this matter.... well, I was actually calling Newsnight's editor all afternoon and evening. I was absolutely furious, I don't mind telling you. I mean, I'm an angry bitter person at the best of times (one of my two remaining friends says I might want to think about getting less righteously angry on behalf of other people though, despite what my social media "friends" think), but getting dissed like this by Newsnight was making me apoplectic.
Anyhow, Stewart eventually called me back at around 9:30pm. I ranted at him for five minutes, then he asked me what I actually wanted. "I want to know that you're headlining tonight's show with the disgraceful story about the maiming, butchery and forced sterilisation of kids, right under our very noses, by so-called healthcare professionals".
"Ah, no LondonJohn", he replied. "We're not. We're going with a piece about the appalling humanitarian crisis in the Near East after the earthquakes there".
"Oh right", I said, pushing drawing pins into my forearm to try to assuage my anger. "Yeah, that is quite a bad thing happening there, isn't it? Completely understand, completely understand. You're running the "kids mutilation" story second though, right?"
"No", he said. "We're not running it at all". I had to sever the tip of my left little finger to stop myself from literally self-combusting.
"But...but....it's a big story on GB News!" I spluttered, as I tried to staunch the blood flow with a piece of kitchen roll that I'd been doodling a T-Rex onto.
"Ah, I see the problem here then", Stewart responded. "You see, GB News is, well... I'll try to be as diplomatic as possible.... it's a right-wing cesspit with extremely low journalist standards and a proven track-record in providing dog-whistle programming to bigots and reactionaries. What you'll find with the major network broadcasters is that we have much higher standards. We are careful only to run stories that can be double- (or preferably triple-) sourced, and that can be shown to be both objective and reliable."
At this point flames started to issue from both my ears, so I had to put the phone down on the hopelessly-captured editor of Newsnight, and stick my head into a bucket of cold vinegar.