At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a
public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in
possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a
calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney general Jefferson Sessions said he
believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is
being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-Gebra is a fearsome cult,", Sessions said. "They desire average
solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a
search of absolute value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y"
and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined they belong
to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every
country.
"As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3
sides to every triangle," Sessions declared.
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Trump said, "If God had
wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us
more fingers and toes. "I am gratified that our government has given us a
sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are
willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to
inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the President said, adding: "Under
the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and
draw the line."
President Trump warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the
potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen
unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts
of vertex."
Attorney General Sessions said, "As our Great Leader would say, read my
ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty of: though they continue to
multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around
their necks."
Must-see TV.
