Dating Disabled

[CosCos]

If I was single I wouldn't go out and seek one with someone who was disabled, and I don't see such a relationship just happening out of the blue, so I said no.

However, I am married, and if my wife were to fall into some kind of disability I don't see myself bailing, so there's a yes in there somewhere.

 

[Magrat]

If I was single I wouldn't go out and seek one with someone who was disabled, and I don't see such a relationship just happening out of the blue, so I said no.

However, I am married, and if my wife were to fall into some kind of disability I don't see myself bailing, so there's a yes in there somewhere.

That's a fair answer. It can be a lot to deal with. I can't imagine there's s lot of people who seek us out (surely there is, there's weirdos everywhere).

 

[p0lka]

The problem is what kind of disability are we talking about? There are some that would I think I wouldn't date and some that I would. What chronic illnesses count as disabilities and which ones do not?

Then there is the whole issue of mental health.

What if someone would date an amputee but not a quadriplegic? how should they respond?

the above is an important question.

I have multiple chronic illnesses and a spinal cord injury. I have an implanted medical device. I am a walking paraplegic, I walk with a forearm crutch, or use a wheelchair if it is a lot of walking. I have chronic pain. I have some limitations on what I'm able to do, and I see a lot of doctors pretty frequently.

For the purposes of this poll, use me as an example of what we are talking about.

Why would someone date an amputee and not a quad?

Sent from my XT1585 using Tapatalk

Are you only talking about physically disabled then?

It is confusing as you left out all the people who have non physical disabilities in your poll.

 

[Magrat]

the above is an important question.




Are you only talking about physically disabled then?

It is confusing as you left out all the people who have non physical disabilities in your poll.

Yes. Physical. I left out intellectual disabilities because it can get into some dodgy areas of consent. In my state intellectually challenged people can't consent to sex.

Sent from my XT1585 using Tapatalk

 

[casebro]

":.....most guys just leave her hanging from the tree." Punchline of a joke about a guy who definitely dated a wheel chair bound gal.

But seriously, it would depend on the person. Most of the guys that were in special ed gym with me were OK guys. So there must be gals like that too. But i have known a gal who was blind from birth and one that was deaf. The deaf was raised to be normal, and was, except for communication. The blind one was mmmm odd. Spoiled? Self entered? I found her to be no fun.

 

[Dr. Keith]

The fact is: even if your partner is able-bodied, eventually something on them is going to break.

Just back from surgery and already making excuses. Typical lazy mod.

 

[Loss Leader]

I was dumped a few times because of my disability or related issues.

I used to be upfront about my physical limitations. One girl told me very frankly she didn't want to date someone who was going to die (I wish her luck with that).

My therapist actually told me I was leading with my chin. He suggested that I not start with my biggest flaw, but reveal it after a few dates. This worked in that I went on more first dates but I did it with more girls who were into hiking or running or being in any way outdoors, so those didn't work out.

I talked to my wife about it on our third date. That seemed to be a good amount of time.


n.b. The word "girl" is used primarily because all of this took place so very, very long ago.

 

[Dr. Keith]

Can the people who say no pipe up a bit? I'd like to hear what you think. I'm not here to judge you.

I almost clicked no, is that close enough?

I was going to duck on the "I'm married and able bodied and would like to stay both." But, others beat me to that joke.

Then, I was thinking along the same lines as those who have active lives and really couldn't see themselves dating someone who wasn't equally active. But the truth is that I'm not all that active anymore and there are like several disabled people who are more active than me. I used to work with a guy who was in a wheelchair but wanted to go to lunch every day, even though it meant throwing his chair in and out of the car and almost never letting anyone help him. Made me feel lazy when I just wanted to grab something from the crap deli downstairs.

So, in the end I had to vote yes. Who am I to prejudge who I will be compatible with. Frankly, I don't know who I'd date if I had to. The whole idea of being single is so foreign.

ETA: On the spousal thing, we are too far down that road to bail on each other. I already told her that I would return her if I could find the receipt. Since I can barely find my keys, I think she feels safe from that threat. And while she has more diseases, I'm more likely to be disabled, if that makes any sense.

 

[p0lka]

Yes. Physical. I left out intellectual disabilities because it can get into some dodgy areas of consent. In my state intellectually challenged people can't consent to sex.

Sent from my XT1585 using Tapatalk

ah thanks for replying, I get it

 

[Magrat]

Something else that is a fact: ability isn't a yes/no ( abled, disabled). It's a spectrum. You might be entirely perfectly physically fit (today...this *will* change over your lifetime), you might be almost entirely fit but have a bad knee, or a bad back, or a bad thyroid, or a learning disability; you might be like me, over line into disabled-land but still almost totally independent; you might be in a coma.

So when I'm talking about disability I am saying, someone "over the line", who self identifies as disabled. Who cannot be entirely independent without medical and/or physical assistance.

My daughter has severe ADHD and dyslexia. She is "different" and it takes accommodation to be in her life. Any dude who dates her will have to know she can't follow written or oral directions, she can't read or spell well, she tends to be irrationally angry, and her stories last forever and don't follow any kind of logical pattern. But nobody would think I mean her when I say "disabled", even if I hadn't qualified my op to mean only physical disabilities.

I also have asbergers. A lot of the time this is more of an issue to me in public than my SCI is. But again, that wouldn't be something someone would consider on the scoreboard if they wanted to date me.

Sent from my XT1585 using Tapatalk

 

[Magrat]

ah thanks for replying, I get it

No worries [emoji1]

Sent from my XT1585 using Tapatalk

 

[rustypouch]

So much of what I do involves physical activity and I'd want a life partner who would be able to participate fully in the same activities. A long time ago (I've been married close to 25 years) I dated someone who simply wasn't interested in running, hiking, biking and so on. It meant a tough choice between spending time with someone I (thought I) wanted to spend time with and doing the things I really enjoyed. It didn't work out well, she was cross with me about the amount of time I spent out of the house, I resented the fact that I had to curtail my activities.

I know I should be able to get past that and if someone is sufficiently important then I should understand and compromise but life's too short not to spend it doing the things you enjoy doing with the people you enjoy doing it with........

Therefore with the greatest reluctance (and realising I look like a complete heel) I have to say it's very unlikely that I would date someone with significant physical disabilities.

That's the same with me. I play a lot in the mountains, hiking in the summer and skiing in the winter. I want someone I can share these activities with. If a potential partner can't, or won't, do these things, it's probably not a good match.

 

[Magrat]

That's the same with me. I play a lot in the mountains, hiking in the summer and skiing in the winter. I want someone I can share these activities with. If a potential partner can't, or won't, do these things, it's probably not a good match.

I wouldn't be interested in someone who did all that stuff because I can't join you. So I think that's a very good reason.

Sent from my XT1585 using Tapatalk

 

[rustypouch]

I wouldn't be interested in someone who did all that stuff because I can't join you. So I think that's a very good reason.

Sent from my XT1585 using Tapatalk

Exactly. I use the same rationale for why I couldn't date a picky eater. Cooking and trying new foods is something I'm big into. I don't want a partner that I can't share my major hobbies with.

 

[Magrat]

Exactly. I use the same rationale for why I couldn't date a picky eater. Cooking and trying new foods is something I'm big into. I don't want a partner that I can't share my major hobbies with.

Where as I have major food allergies and have to be very, very careful with food, so I can't go out to restaurants or try new stuff. Not that I don't want to, it's just not worth what I'll go through if I get exposed to something I can't have.

So it wouldn't be a good idea for us to date, we have determined [emoji14]

Sent from my XT1585 using Tapatalk

 

[KatieG]

My husband falls into the second group. He won't admit my disability is why we are separated, but it very obviously is, since nothing else changed.

Honestly I'm better off without him, but that doesn't make it hurt less!

You were at least 30 years younger than me when at that happened to you. Much harder to deal with. I don't have any children. At that time, you had young children and a petulant spouse. Sometimes I get angry at life but always humbled when remembering others have heavier burdens to bear.

You're amazing, RogueKitten

 

[Magrat]

You were at least 30 years younger than me when at that happened to you. Much harder to deal with. I don't have any children. At that time, you had young children and a petulant spouse. Sometimes I get angry at life but always humbled when remembering others have heavier burdens to bear.

You're amazing, RogueKitten

I was 33 when I got hurt. 38 presently. And September would be our 16th anniversary.

I'm not amazing. The only thing I've done is not offed myself. Just alive.

Sent from my XT1585 using Tapatalk

 

[jhunter1163]

This is my husband's experience. I was healthy when we married. First came Bell's Palsy, then failed back surgery which has crippled me for 12 years, then a stroke last year. I keep losing ground but never give up.

He's 10 years younger than me and at one point I told him I'd understand if he needed to find someone closer to his age, not saddled with physical problems. He reminded me he'd done the, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, and he meant to keep those vows. Love that man

I know this is the opposite direction of the OP, but sometimes partners do bail because they can't cope. These would be the people that automatically look away from the disabled.

It's my experience too. I've been with my wife almost 15 years; a couple of years ago, she was diagnosed with early dementia. She can still take care of herself, but on her worst days it's pretty marginal. I have to go with her for pretty much any kind of shopping now; she'll forget why she was going, or even where she was supposed to go. She has, several times, broached the idea of divorce in order to preserve our marital assets, and to allow me to find a younger and healthier wife (she's 10 years older than me). I've flatly refused to consider it, and will continue to flatly refuse; for better or worse, and all that.

I'd consider dating a disabled person, depending on the degree of the disability; but it'll have to remain hypothetical, since I'm married.

 

[Loss Leader]

I'm not amazing. The only thing I've done is not offed myself. Just alive.

I absolutely hate when people call me brave. It's not bravery when you have no choice.

Frankly, I hate hospitals. I hate having to answer to nurses, never having control of my own light switch, being available whenever for whatever test anyone has thought up but not gotten around to until 7:53 at night. I hate all of it. And the ICU ... I doubt there is anything worse on this planet than being intubated in the ICU. My worst panic attacks are returning to that place.

But I: went into the hospital for three and a half months; had two catheterizations, two procedures and my seventh open heart surgery, and I stayed in the ICU for eight days. I did it all because I had no choice. I'd do it again. It's really, really easy to do things involuntarily.

 

[Magrat]

I absolutely hate when people call me brave. It's not bravery when you have no choice.

Frankly, I hate hospitals. I hate having to answer to nurses, never having control of my own light switch, being available whenever for whatever test anyone has thought up but not gotten around to until &:53 at night. I hate all of it. And the ICU ... I doubt there is anything worse on this planet than being intubated in the ICU. My worst panic attacks are returning to that place.

But I: went into the hospital for three and a half months; had two catheterizations, two procedures and my seventh open heart surgery, and I stayed in the ICU for eight days. I did it all because I had no choice. I'd do it again. It's really, really easy to do things involuntarily.

Yup.

My panic attacks are hospital too.

Sent from my XT1585 using Tapatalk