Your Best (or Worst) Exegesis

The Atheist said:
I thought you were in Hawaii rather than Europe.
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Joe Lucas' "fame" is worldwide.
I saw a guy ask at the motorcycle shop for a Triumph tie pin.
The salesman said he could get one, but it would leak oil on his shirt!
 
Toke said:
One eveningwacht a wery christian brigde officer told me about that 2000km cubic city.
I gently pointed out the problems with air pressure at the bottom, and started on the water sanitation and electrical supply.

He said something about "our new bodies shall be like houses where they are now tents".

We agreed that it would take some serious miracles.:D
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Cartoon today (Bizarro) in the LA Times has St. Pete directing a newbie to where he will be reunited with his appendix, tonsils and prostate.
 
Beerina said:
When they showed the sweaty, all-female harems, I'd have given in.

Ah, who am I kidding. I'd have given in with just the money and power -- the harems would quickly follow of their own volition.
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What's wrong with harems?

I Ratant said:
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Joe Lucas' "fame" is worldwide.
I saw a guy ask at the motorcycle shop for a Triumph tie pin.
The salesman said he could get one, but it would leak oil on his shirt!
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:dl:

Brilliant!

We were having a conversation about diagnostics on British motors the other day when I explained to someone that if you have one which doesn't drop oil on the ground, the oil pressure light's broken.

.13. said:
If you're ever shopping for bridges, drop me PM. :)
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I already own this one, thanks.
 
I believe Penn and Teller read some of the Bible's most depraved excerpts in their show "********". Stuff that justifies human sacrifice and perhaps even slavery
 
Ron_Tomkins said:
I believe Penn and Teller read some of the Bible's most depraved excerpts in their show "********". Stuff that justifies human sacrifice and perhaps even slavery
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Yep, Noah's son is a good one.

Look at your naked dad and be turned into black slaves!

Works well on two fronts - one the idiotic and pathetic idea of a kid having a giggle at his drunken old man being a sin, and two, that a whole sub-species of humans resulted from it.

They used to big this one up to the utmost in the old South Africa!
 
The Atheist said:
And the second one!

I don't imagine many Triumphs barrel around Europe.
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I have seen Triumph motorcycles and cars in the US, but they are not common at all. And of course the people who own them only get to ride them for the 30 days a year when they are not at the mechanic.
 
The Atheist said:
Yep, Noah's son is a good one.

Look at your naked dad and be turned into black slaves!

Works well on two fronts - one the idiotic and pathetic idea of a kid having a giggle at his drunken old man being a sin, and two, that a whole sub-species of humans resulted from it.

They used to big this one up to the utmost in the old South Africa!
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Of all the nutty, bizarre things in the bible, that one has to be the worst. It makes NO sense.

I remember the first time I read it I was at a friend's bar mitzvah and was looking through the Torah out of boredom. I read that passage and was overwhelmed.

Noah gets drunk, Noah takes off his clothes, Noah passes out naked, but Ham is doomed for going in the tent? And this somehow explains why it's ok to have black slaves?

Still amazing after all these years.

Another hilarious one is somehow coming up with the idea that masturbation is a sin from that weird story involving Onan. So he doesn't want to impregnate his dead brother's wife (as god has commanded), so he pulls out at the last moment. From this we are to take the lesson that jerking it is sinful, not, mind you, that it's kind of creapy to sleep with your recently deceased brother's wife.

Mmmkay...
 
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gnome said:
Edited... godhatesfigs is now some weird japanese site.

But here's an apologist site actually discussing it!

http://www.tektonics.org/uz/zapfigtree.html
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Actually, reading that explanation makes it even more abominable. It turns Jesus from merely an annoyed demigod to something abominable.

"Had he found fruit (which normally came in after the leaves), it would have been a sign of the coming Messianic Kingdom. Since he did not find fruit, the tree became a symbol for fruitless Israel, and of his rejection, and was withered -- in line with the OT judgments prescribed above."

... so he cursed not just a tree, which doesn't matter much in the end, but the whole f-ing nation (he was supposed to save) for not immediately accepting him, before he even did much or fulfilled his prophecy?

Also, never mind that _he_ was supposed to bring forth the messianic age, or not. He curses the whole f-ing nation and people of Israel for his own failure?

Geeze, that makes him sound like a psychopath.

Also, I'm not entirely sure I like:

"That which does not produce fruit will be cut down - just like a weed."

...combined with the figs as a metaphor for the "beloved fruit of their womb" a bit lower on the same page...

That sounds like the most abject kind of instigation against a sterile woman. Not even for her own fault, but because God made her so. (Genetic deffects, etc.) Also, remember that for the next almost two millenia, even the _husband's_ infertility was blamed on the wife.

It never occured to me before, but I can see how in a few deranged minds that would contribute to the witch-hunt against old widows. Or at the very least why "in sickness or in health, until death do us part" didn't apply if she failed to produce sons: then it was acceptable reasons for divorce. Hey, if she's not producing any more fruit, nothing wrong with getting rid of her like a weed.

Geesh...

I think I'll stick with thinking that it was just an f-ing tree and there was nothing symbolic about it. Curses and instigations to abject discrimination fit the general image of Jesus even less than getting annoyed at a tree once.
 
Can any of you point me to the whole "naked drunk Noah" thing in the Bible?
I haven't a clue where to find it. I want to read it.
 
Genesis 1:11 means God provided cannabis for us because he wants us to smoke it. Can I get an amen?

God said:
1:11 And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit after his kind, whose seed is in itself, upon the earth: and it was so.
1:12 And the earth brought forth grass, and herb yielding seed after his kind, and the tree yielding fruit, whose seed was in itself, after his kind: and God saw that it was good.
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Thanks Marquis!
This:
Genesis 9:27 God shall enlarge Japheth, and he shall dwell in the tents of Shem; and Canaan shall be his servant.
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Messianic Enzyte?
 
Godless Dave: here'a another "AMEN!"
Genesis 9:3 Every moving thing that liveth shall be meat for you; even as the green herb have I given you all things
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TraneWreck said:
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Another hilarious one is somehow coming up with the idea that masturbation is a sin from that weird story involving Onan. So he doesn't want to impregnate his dead brother's wife (as god has commanded), so he pulls out at the last moment. From this we are to take the lesson that jerking it is sinful, not, mind you, that it's kind of creapy to sleep with your recently deceased brother's wife.

Mmmkay...
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Yeah, that's got nothing to do with jerking off, but everything with coitus interruptus!
The pulling out and ejaculating outside the womb was thwarting "god's" will or whoever it was that wrote -that- law.
And if the old laws were reinstated or otherwise verified, how come it is that one isn't enforced?
Lots of widows are still fertile, and lots of brothers-in-law are available.
 
The Atheist said:
the earth belongs to Satan - otherwise, how can he offer it to Jesus?
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There are fundamentalist Christians who do believe exactly this. I've been told before that the world is already the Devil's domain, by some Southerners that I presume were probably Baptists or Methodists, and I've seen it written in literature given to me by a Jehovah's Witness.
 
Delvo said:
There are fundamentalist Christians who do believe exactly this. I've been told before that the world is already the Devil's domain, by some Southerners that I presume were probably Baptists or Methodists, and I've seen it written in literature given to me by a Jehovah's Witness.
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Yes, this is a common belief around here.

And btw, just for the record, not all the stuff y'all are making fun of is as bizarre as it sounds.

On the other hand, some of the stuff y'all are omitting is truly, startlingly strange.
 
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