Your Best (or Worst) Exegesis

The Atheist

The Grammar Tyrant
The Atheist
Joined
Jul 3, 2006
Messages
36,429
One thing christians constantly love atheists for is use of dodgy exegesis. At least, they claim it's dodgy because it doesn't match their own dodgy explanation of what the bible is supposed to say.

My own favourite is Luke 17:34. By using the KJV - which some sects maintain is the only true bible - that passage, where Jesus talks about who shall go to heaven, says:

God said:
I tell you, in that night there shall be two men in one bed; the one shall be taken, and the other shall be left.
Click to expand...

I use that to prove that Jesus loved gays!

Another is Jesus vs Satan, from John 4:8

God said:
Again the devil took him up into a very high mountain, and showed him all the kingdoms of the world, and the glory of them. And said to him: All these will I give thee, if falling down thou wilt adore me.
Click to expand...

As Aleister Crowley used to say, this shows quite clearly that the earth belongs to Satan - otherwise, how can he offer it to Jesus?

Be creative.
 
Matthew 10: 34-36 said:
Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
Click to expand...

This shows that Jesus is obviously one of those divide and conquer terrorist types.

KJV, of course.
 
Couple of dreadful Christian jokes:

Did you know Peter was an awful cricketer? Acts tells us that he stood up and was bold.

Or that David was a Hell's Angel? It says that the roar of his triumph was heard throughout the land.

ETA: you may need to be English, or at least a subject of the Commonwealth, to understand the first one
 
sleepy_lioness said:
Couple of dreadful Christian jokes:

Did you know Peter was an awful cricketer? Acts tells us that he stood up and was bold.

Or that David was a Hell's Angel? It says that the roar of his triumph was heard throughout the land.

ETA: you may need to be English, or at least a subject of the Commonwealth, to understand the first one
Click to expand...

And the second one!

I don't imagine many Triumphs barrel around Europe.
 
Actually, my favourite is Revelations and the "city" described in it. It's a freaking _enormous_ cube (Rev 21:16 "And the city lieth foursquare, and the length is as large as the breadth: and he measured the city with the reed, twelve thousand furlongs. The length and the breadth and the height of it are equal. ") And it shines like metal or glass. (Rev 21:18.) And it doesn't need any sun or moon because it has its own lighting inside. (Rev 21:23, Rev 22:5 and a couple of other verses.)

And it's descending from the sky. (Rev 21:10)

It's a freaking Borg cube.
 
HansMustermann said:
Actually, my favourite is Revelations and the "city" described in it. It's a freaking _enormous_ cube (Rev 21:16 "And the city lieth foursquare, and the length is as large as the breadth: and he measured the city with the reed, twelve thousand furlongs. The length and the breadth and the height of it are equal. ") And it shines like metal or glass. (Rev 21:18.) And it doesn't need any sun or moon because it has its own lighting inside. (Rev 21:23, Rev 22:5 and a couple of other verses.)

And it's descending from the sky. (Rev 21:10)

It's a freaking Borg cube.
Click to expand...

:D
Maybe the Star Trek writers modeled the Borg after that?
 
Or maybe the prophet did see the future, except it was a Star Trek episode from the future ;)
 
Hi

sleepy_lioness said:
Couple of dreadful Christian jokes:

Did you know Peter was an awful cricketer? Acts tells us that he stood up and was bold.

Or that David was a Hell's Angel? It says that the roar of his triumph was heard throughout the land.

ETA: you may need to be English, or at least a subject of the Commonwealth, to understand the first one
Click to expand...


Hell's Angel?

Triumph??

BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA <<gasp>> HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!

Sorry. I get carried away.

I'm pretty sure you mean a Rocker that's done the Ton.
 
Hokulele said:
Pfft. We are quite familiar with Lucas, Prince of Darkness, on this side of the pond.
Click to expand...

I thought you were in Hawaii rather than Europe.

HansMustermann said:
Actually, my favourite is Revelations and the "city" described in it. It's a freaking _enormous_ cube (Rev 21:16 "And the city lieth foursquare, and the length is as large as the breadth: and he measured the city with the reed, twelve thousand furlongs. The length and the breadth and the height of it are equal. ") And it shines like metal or glass. (Rev 21:18.) And it doesn't need any sun or moon because it has its own lighting inside. (Rev 21:23, Rev 22:5 and a couple of other verses.)

And it's descending from the sky. (Rev 21:10)

It's a freaking Borg cube.
Click to expand...

Ha! Brilliant!

I wonder if that's where the idea came from.

12,000 furlongs = 1500 miles.
 
HansMustermann said:
Actually, my favourite is Revelations and the "city" described in it. It's a freaking _enormous_ cube (Rev 21:16 "And the city lieth foursquare, and the length is as large as the breadth: and he measured the city with the reed, twelve thousand furlongs. The length and the breadth and the height of it are equal. ") And it shines like metal or glass. (Rev 21:18.) And it doesn't need any sun or moon because it has its own lighting inside. (Rev 21:23, Rev 22:5 and a couple of other verses.)

And it's descending from the sky. (Rev 21:10)

It's a freaking Borg cube.
Click to expand...
:D:D Love it! And you never know, it might bring back Captain Janeway and Voyager.....

ETA And I see, reading further on, that 'we are unanimous' in this (quote from old TV show).
 
Last edited:
One eveningwacht a wery christian brigde officer told me about that 2000km cubic city.
I gently pointed out the problems with air pressure at the bottom, and started on the water sanitation and electrical supply.

He said something about "our new bodies shall be like houses where they are now tents".

We agreed that it would take some serius miracles.:D
 
There's a company in the UK named "Walls". They make ice cream and foodstuffs.
Various jokes exist about "Walls of Jericho".

But what's to interpret, really? It's a history of the late Bronze Age, with some philosophical rants attached. Interesting, but with less useful information than a train timetable.
 
Psalm 147:10, KJV:

'He delighteth not in the strength of the horse: he taketh not pleasure in the legs of a man.'

Always made us snigger in Sunday School. Apparently the real sense is that God doesn't care how fast you can run.
 
sleepy_lioness said:
Psalm 147:10, KJV:

'He delighteth not in the strength of the horse: he taketh not pleasure in the legs of a man.'

Always made us snigger in Sunday School. Apparently the real sense is that God doesn't care how fast you can run.
Click to expand...

Ouch - that's very good.

Pity all those idiot runners at the Olympics who can't line up without a 10-minute prayer first.
 
God said:
Again the devil took him up into a very high mountain, and showed him all the kingdoms of the world, and the glory of them. And said to him: All these will I give thee, if falling down thou wilt adore me.
Click to expand...

When they showed the sweaty, all-female harems, I'd have given in.


Ah, who am I kidding. I'd have given in with just the money and power -- the harems would quickly follow of their own volition.
 
sleepy_lioness said:
Couple of dreadful Christian jokes:

Did you know Peter was an awful cricketer? Acts tells us that he stood up and was bold.

Or that David was a Hell's Angel? It says that the roar of his triumph was heard throughout the land.

ETA: you may need to be English, or at least a subject of the Commonwealth, to understand the first one
Click to expand...
.
I heard David was pretty small.. Had to be, to stand on his watch.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Back
Top Bottom