RSLancastr
www.StopSylvia.com
Where oh where is Robert Lancaster? I kinda miss the guy.
Sorry for referring tp myself in the third person (ala Bob Dole), but it really fits the situation. by the end of this post, I hope it will seem less like a hackneyed literary device, and more like the way I think of myself these days.
When I think of how I define myself (as I've done often of late), I tend to think of the things about myself of which I am most proud. And I find that, post-stroke, many/most of those things no longer apply to me.
Singing ability
As I discussed in a previous "poor me" thread, I no longer have the decent singing voice I used to. This is something of which I was very proud. It may come back in time, but for now, thanks to operations and a year of disuse, my singing voice is nowhere near where it used to be.
My sense of humor
I have always had an ability to make folks laugh. Usually, anyway. This is something that seems to have remained largely intact. Score one for the home team.
My knowledge of playing card histry
I've been collecting unusual decks of playing cards for more than ten years, and have more than 1,000 decks in my collection. About ten years ago, i started a little web site devoted to the hobby. It was one of the first of its kind on the web, which resulted in my being very well-known among other such collectors, and my being thought of as an expert of sorts. I got tons of email from around the world on the subject, got articles published in National magazines on the subject, and supplied paying card props to a few films. While I was in hospital from the stroke, AOL evidently deleted my web site when they cleared out their Hometown section. My lack of income has prevented me from adding to my collection for some time now. I am so out of touch with the hobby that I have forgotten much of what I knew. So, even if I still had the site, I would be unable to help anyone who emailed me with a question on the subject.
My Skeptical Endeavors
I am proud of the help I have given people, and whatever other positive impact that my Stopsites have had. Due to the stroke and some other problems, I have not updated the sites in more than a year, and don't know when I will be able to again.
Being a good father
Not a great one, but a good one. I have three kids, all in their 20s. Up until the stroke, I had a good relationship with all of them.
After the stroke, I rarely see or hear from two of them, and the third, not at all. I get the impression that I am less their Dad now than I am a frightening reminder of their Dad's mortality.
My physical presence
Evidently, some folks found RSL's size and mien somewhat imposing. at present, I feel that I am a pitiable-looking shlub in a wheel chair. I never enjoyed frightening people, but it was better than the looks I get from people now: the same look they would probably give to a three-legged puppy they found in the street.
Being a good programmer
I made a living programming computers for more than thirty years before the stroke. After, my employer payed six months' of short-term disability, and i have had zero income since then (Feb 2009). Even if my employer wanted me back, I don't know how useful I would be, nor how long it would take me to get back into the saddle again.
Being a good provider
See above.
Being a good husband
Susan and I have only been married for a little over two years now, but I have always tried to be there for her. to be supportive and loving and protective.
Since the stroke, the whole dynamic between us has changed. She met and fell in love with RSL, and married him in 2007. Fourteen months later, the stroke hit. RSL should have died. Twice. Spent six weeks asleep/in a coma, and 11 months in rehab. Susan spent all of that time fiercely protecting RSL, and looking out for his health care, seeing that he was prepared to go home. After all of that, she took him home, only to find that the person she took home was no longer RSL.
He was now me.
I compare it to this: remember, as a child, telling your parents what you wanted for Christmas - some new toy you really longed for - then Christmas morning, you excitedly open the present, only to find that your parents inadvertently got you something similar to what you asked for, but not quite right. Maybe they couldn't find what you wanted (a Cabbage Patch Kid) , and got you sme cheap knock-off imitation instead (A Lettuce Leaf Baby). It was nice that they got you something, but it just wasn't - right. Or, perhaps a better analogy: As a child, you were crushed when your dog Sparky, your pet of many years, died. Trying to help, your parents buy you another dog "just like" Sparky - same breed, markings and size. You appreciate it, and might even name the new dog Sparky II, but he just isn't Sparky. In time, you may grow to love Sparky II even more than you loved Sparky, but Sparky is gone for good.
Now, we all change over time. We wake up every morning a slightly different person - physically, mentally and emotionally - than we were the day before. So, nobody married for more than a day still has the same spouse that they married. But the events of the past year have left Susan with a far different husband than she had.
But wait, there's more!
I can't say that I was ever proud of my abillity to stand up, walk across a room, get to the toilet, drive a car, open my left hand, or dozens of other seemingly inconsequential things. But now that I can no longer do them, they all seem like wonderful abilities that I should have been proud of, and I will certainly be proud of them as I regain them.
One thing which petrifies me: what if some of those things I listed above - things of which I am proud, but are now mostly gone - what if some of them were part of why Susan fell in love? Where does that leave us now?
We are struggling, trying to make sense of it all, and to make sense of who we are as a couple.
And I am trying to make sense of who I am, period. I am struggling to rethink how I define myself. But man, it is hard.
Thanks for reading this. My apologies if it was too self-indulgent.
Mods, please leave this in General Skepticism for at least a few days. Perhaps even Sticky it up with Susan's threads,
Thanks,
-"RSL II"
Sorry for referring tp myself in the third person (ala Bob Dole), but it really fits the situation. by the end of this post, I hope it will seem less like a hackneyed literary device, and more like the way I think of myself these days.
When I think of how I define myself (as I've done often of late), I tend to think of the things about myself of which I am most proud. And I find that, post-stroke, many/most of those things no longer apply to me.
Singing ability
As I discussed in a previous "poor me" thread, I no longer have the decent singing voice I used to. This is something of which I was very proud. It may come back in time, but for now, thanks to operations and a year of disuse, my singing voice is nowhere near where it used to be.
My sense of humor
I have always had an ability to make folks laugh. Usually, anyway. This is something that seems to have remained largely intact. Score one for the home team.
My knowledge of playing card histry
I've been collecting unusual decks of playing cards for more than ten years, and have more than 1,000 decks in my collection. About ten years ago, i started a little web site devoted to the hobby. It was one of the first of its kind on the web, which resulted in my being very well-known among other such collectors, and my being thought of as an expert of sorts. I got tons of email from around the world on the subject, got articles published in National magazines on the subject, and supplied paying card props to a few films. While I was in hospital from the stroke, AOL evidently deleted my web site when they cleared out their Hometown section. My lack of income has prevented me from adding to my collection for some time now. I am so out of touch with the hobby that I have forgotten much of what I knew. So, even if I still had the site, I would be unable to help anyone who emailed me with a question on the subject.
My Skeptical Endeavors
I am proud of the help I have given people, and whatever other positive impact that my Stopsites have had. Due to the stroke and some other problems, I have not updated the sites in more than a year, and don't know when I will be able to again.
Being a good father
Not a great one, but a good one. I have three kids, all in their 20s. Up until the stroke, I had a good relationship with all of them.
After the stroke, I rarely see or hear from two of them, and the third, not at all. I get the impression that I am less their Dad now than I am a frightening reminder of their Dad's mortality.
My physical presence
Evidently, some folks found RSL's size and mien somewhat imposing. at present, I feel that I am a pitiable-looking shlub in a wheel chair. I never enjoyed frightening people, but it was better than the looks I get from people now: the same look they would probably give to a three-legged puppy they found in the street.
Being a good programmer
I made a living programming computers for more than thirty years before the stroke. After, my employer payed six months' of short-term disability, and i have had zero income since then (Feb 2009). Even if my employer wanted me back, I don't know how useful I would be, nor how long it would take me to get back into the saddle again.
Being a good provider
See above.
Being a good husband
Susan and I have only been married for a little over two years now, but I have always tried to be there for her. to be supportive and loving and protective.
Since the stroke, the whole dynamic between us has changed. She met and fell in love with RSL, and married him in 2007. Fourteen months later, the stroke hit. RSL should have died. Twice. Spent six weeks asleep/in a coma, and 11 months in rehab. Susan spent all of that time fiercely protecting RSL, and looking out for his health care, seeing that he was prepared to go home. After all of that, she took him home, only to find that the person she took home was no longer RSL.
He was now me.
I compare it to this: remember, as a child, telling your parents what you wanted for Christmas - some new toy you really longed for - then Christmas morning, you excitedly open the present, only to find that your parents inadvertently got you something similar to what you asked for, but not quite right. Maybe they couldn't find what you wanted (a Cabbage Patch Kid) , and got you sme cheap knock-off imitation instead (A Lettuce Leaf Baby). It was nice that they got you something, but it just wasn't - right. Or, perhaps a better analogy: As a child, you were crushed when your dog Sparky, your pet of many years, died. Trying to help, your parents buy you another dog "just like" Sparky - same breed, markings and size. You appreciate it, and might even name the new dog Sparky II, but he just isn't Sparky. In time, you may grow to love Sparky II even more than you loved Sparky, but Sparky is gone for good.
Now, we all change over time. We wake up every morning a slightly different person - physically, mentally and emotionally - than we were the day before. So, nobody married for more than a day still has the same spouse that they married. But the events of the past year have left Susan with a far different husband than she had.
But wait, there's more!
I can't say that I was ever proud of my abillity to stand up, walk across a room, get to the toilet, drive a car, open my left hand, or dozens of other seemingly inconsequential things. But now that I can no longer do them, they all seem like wonderful abilities that I should have been proud of, and I will certainly be proud of them as I regain them.
One thing which petrifies me: what if some of those things I listed above - things of which I am proud, but are now mostly gone - what if some of them were part of why Susan fell in love? Where does that leave us now?
We are struggling, trying to make sense of it all, and to make sense of who we are as a couple.
And I am trying to make sense of who I am, period. I am struggling to rethink how I define myself. But man, it is hard.
Thanks for reading this. My apologies if it was too self-indulgent.
Mods, please leave this in General Skepticism for at least a few days. Perhaps even Sticky it up with Susan's threads,
Thanks,
-"RSL II"
Seriously.
