CNNNN : Dateline, February 12, 2003
In news just to hand, leading academics thoughout the world are alarmed by the spread of the world's first "logical virus". Known as the "Invisible Flaw", the virus has begun attacking syllogisms thoughout the world. Believed to have originated somewhere near Baltimore, the virus works by injecting a subtle and almost undetectable flaw into the logic of otherwise perfectly valid syllogisms.
The virus was first discovered by Ms Soubrette Kindamaterialist of Bristol, England, while surfing the Web. "It just sort of struck me as odd" she said, "the syllogism looks okay, and the premises and conclusion seem true, yet somehow I'm not sure..."
Logicians have expressed fears that, if left untrreated, the virus could lead to the complete collapse of logic with months. A failure of logic would potentially have disastrous consequences for humanity, with possible outcomes including a huge increase in the popularity of Country and Western music, an overwhelming desire by some polical leaders to invade Iraq, a widespread belief in the ability of former ballroom dancers to "talk to the dead", and
a dramatic rise in the number of teenagers with "Posh and Becks Forever" tattoos.
Dr. Stupid, an American physicist based in Germany, has dismissed the virus as "unlikely". Rather, he believes it's more a case of "some idiot on the internet failing to understand basic logic". This opinion was seconded by Professor Whitefork of Harvard, who insisted that logic can survive this crisis - "really, don't waste anymore time on this - it's pretty damn simple".
A spokesman for the Vatican offered the following brief statement on the spread of the "Invisible Flaw" :
"Woe to you, oh Earth and Sea,
for the Devil sends the beast with wrath,
because he knows the time is short...
Let him who hath understanding reckon the number of the beast
for it is a human number, its number is Six hundred and sixty six."
When asked to explain the significance of this, the spokesman replied "Damned if I know, but it sure has a nice ring to it."
UberCardinal Franko, from the Church of Logical Deism, has declared the existence of the Flaw to be "heretical nonsense - and believe me, I know nonsense when I see it". When asked what his exact position with the Church was, UberCardinal Franko replied "er ... I take out the trash."
Wiccan spokesman Great Elk Tricky was quick to add "personally, I don't care about Syllogisms - its a Full Moon tomorrow night, and my wife's gonna dance naked around a fire!" (CNNNN will bring you live coverage of the naked fire dance in our special "When Good Wives go Wiggan..." - see local guides for times).
CNNNN will continue to provide up to the minute coverage of this crisis - up until such time as something else interesting happens. Like a kid falling off a bike. Or something. Anything.