Step Two: Came To Believe...

[Luke T.]

This is a continuation of a series I've decided to write about my wandering in the stairwell of the 12 steps of AA.

Step One.


After reading the First Step on the little chalkboard tablet and nodding with agreement over the “powerless” thing, I then read the next tablet.


“Came to believe a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”


This insult actually caused me to sit up straight and rock back in my seat. Here’s my exact thought, “I’m not insane! I’m the smartest person I know!”


Just goes to show how smart I really am.


They say alcoholics have an ego problem. I tend to believe them.

 

[Luke T.]

So what do you get when you sober up a drunken crazy person?


A sober crazy person.

 

[Luke T.]

What do you get when you sober up two crazy newlyweds working the 12 steps?


A competition from hell.


“I have TWO sponsors!”


“You’re on Step Three? I’m on Step Four!”


“You need to go to a meeting.”

 

[Luke T.]

Insanity A: Doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result.

Insanity B: Knowing what you need to do, and then not doing it.

Under those terms, I was quite mad. I suffer from Insanity B to a great extent to the present day.

 

[Luke T.]

So who, or what, is this power greater than ourselves who can restore us to sanity?

Well, at every meeting, they tell you, "That one is God. May you find him now!"

With an exclamation point.

!

 

[Luke T.]

There are some guys in AA meetings who seem to think they are the guy you are supposed to find. I remember one in particular who grew his hair long and would sit with his arms outstretched across two chairs and make frequent allusions to the "Jewish Carpenter", seemingly in the hope you would catch the reference and the likeness. He would sermonize for 20 minutes at a go, taking up a full third of the hour.

It was many meetings before I realized that this guy was stoned out of his mind on pot.

Yes, I've seen some people pick up an AA chip for 6 years of sobriety, say, and then see that same person pick up an NA chip for 2 years of clean time.

Um.

 

[robinson]

http://www.orange-papers.org/

 

[Luke T.]

http://www.orange-papers.org/

Some wonderful strawmen and logical fallacies on that site.

As for the success rate of AA compared to other treatments or no treatments, it doesn't much matter to me.

Why?

Because I tried other treatments, and no treatment, and those didn't work for me. AA did. It's that simple.

Some people get sober through a church. Some get sober through a treatment center. Some get sober all by themselves. And I've known people who have done each of those methods successfully. Hey, good for them, I say.

I think when you look at the numbers and the low rate of success for ALL methods, it only goes to show just how powerful the condition of alcoholism really is. And when you have something that powerful at work, you need to have a wide range of weapons available.

Take depression. Even with today's modern medicine, doctors have to try several medications and see what effect each one has on the patient. Shooting a bullet in the dark until one hits the target.

Alcoholism is no different in that respect.

My magic bullet happened to be AA.

 

[Luke T.]

Many people in AA are also seeing shrinks. A significant number are on anti-depressants. I was on them myself for a while.

AA is not the sole solution for many an alcoholic. It is just one tool in the toolbox.

Alcoholism is vicious. And sadly, far too many people do not survive.

 

[Huntster]

If I'm not mistaken, the core of AA is the recognition of the higher power.

If you reject that premise, how to you attribute any help AA may be offering you?

 

[I less than three logic]

What makes you think he rejected that premise?

 

[Luke T.]

If I'm not mistaken, the core of AA is the recognition of the higher power.

If you reject that premise, how to you attribute any help AA may be offering you?

As I had just experienced the whole white light thing I described in Step One, I did not have any hostility toward the concept of a Higher Power.

It was much different 7 years earlier when I attended a 12-step meeting (NA), out of curiosity. I heard the word "God" and was instantly hostile. I left there to continue my ways for several more years.

Also, even now, my higher power is more related to the collective wisdom of the group. Particularly during my suicidal period when I was just over a year sober. I will get into that more, farther on.

I have discussed my suicidal period at length on this forum. If you search on "suicide" on this forum, you will probably find I have posted in nearly every topic where it comes up.

People in AA define their God however they choose. You will find there is no definition of God in AA. In fact, the Big Book suggests you make your own definition rather than adhere to any previous dogma you may have encountered.

So if you decided your God wears a red clown nose, so be it.

There are also quite a few atheists in AA.

 

[Luke T.]

But back to where I was going earlier, my greatest difficulty was not with the concept of a Higher Power being able to restore me. My greatest difficulty was accepting that I was insane to begin with.

I suppose we could whip out a dictionary or the DSM-IV and get real technical about the meaning of "insane".

As a matter of fact, just for yucks, once, I read the dictionary definition of the word "psychopath" to an AA group during a meeting. Got a lot of laughs just reading from the dictionary.

Some of us recognized ourselves.

But if we stick to Insanity A and Insanity B, that does a pretty good job of defining my behavior for most of my life, and even some behavior to the present day.

Plus, you gotta wonder...what kind of maniac takes another sip after tasting a drink and thinking it is the most vile stuff he's ever tasted? That was my first reaction to rum, my first drink. I hated it. And yet I drank it non-stop from that moment for the next three or four days. I continued to hate it as I drank it for the next few years, until I discovered Jack Daniels.

And if you read my story that I linked in Step One, it becomes pretty obvious I was not behaving rationally. For example, see my "bug spray period."

Yet, for some reason, I thought being really smart meant I was totally sane. That alone suggests something was miswired in my head.

 

[Luke T.]

This idea of me having to be convinced I was insane might be where outsiders get the misimpression that AA tries to convince you that you are "a piece of garbage" or somesuch.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

Perhaps by the time I get to Step 12, this will become more clear.

 

[Luke T.]

Denial that one is an alcoholic is a form of delusion. Another type of "insanity".

 

[Huntster]

What makes you think he rejected that premise?

“Came to believe a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”

This insult actually caused me to sit up straight and rock back in my seat.

And:

So who, or what, is this power greater than ourselves who can restore us to sanity?

Well, at every meeting, they tell you, "That one is God. May you find him now!"

With an exclamation point.

!

I may be reading him wrong.

If I have, I'm sure he'll set me straight.

 

[Luke T.]

Insanity A:

I will just have two drinks when I go in this bar.

I will just drink beer.

I will just take 20 dollars in the bar with me.

After that first sip, though, a feeling of something inside me collapsing would manifest itself immediately.

Yet I would try the same thing over and over and over.

 

[Luke T.]

I may be reading him wrong.

If I have, I'm sure he'll set me straight.

I don't know if I will be able to set you straight or not. All I can do is tell my own story.

It would be nice to have an atheist in AA do the same. Unfortunately, I do not fit that bill.

 

[Huntster]

.....People in AA define their God however they choose....

I've found that people all over the world and all throughout time have defined their God in many, many ways. Usually it is "as they choose."

You will find there is no definition of God in AA.

Right. I think it's just "Higher Power."

In fact, the Big Book suggests you make your own definition rather than adhere to any previous dogma you may have encountered.

I have done both. I accept a major religion's doctrine, but not 100%.

In fact, even if it's close to 100%, a person's understanding of that doctrine will likely be different than others who adhere to that doctrine.

There are also quite a few atheists in AA.

That's what I find interesting. I wonder what they think of the "Higher Power" tenet of the program.

 

[Luke T.]

I was never really convinced I was insane. Right up to the day I decided to end my life. Despite all the noise in my head, despite all the despair, despite the prior behaviors, despite the alcoholic drinking.

I'm a hard guy to convince, even with evidence.