Staying Together For the Sake of the Kids

[Sir Robin Goodfellow]

Does anyone here know anyone who stayed together for the sake of their children? It seems like it could actually lead to a worse environment for kids in some cases.

Any thoughts on the topic?

 

[quadraginta]

Does anyone here know anyone who stayed together for the sake of their children? It seems like it could actually lead to a worse environment for kids in some cases.

Any thoughts on the topic?

Yes.

It could, but it doesn't have to. Possible outcomes are as varied as the relationships they spring from. Anecdotes are only of limited value, but I know of at least two cases where everything worked out very well, perhaps even better than the alternative.

I have no idea if it makes any difference, but in both cases nothing was intentionally concealed from the children.

 

[Skeptical Greg]

The kids are a good reason to work harder at a relationship, instead of just giving up ..

 

[Tsukasa Buddha]

"Staying together for the kids" is the same as getting a divorce, in terms of the statistical increase in negative outcomes for the kids. It is a dumb idea, and I can dig out my favourite study if you want.

Hell, a case can be made that it is worse for the lucky kids:

Quarrelling parents who stay together for the sake of the children may make their offspring more unhappy than those who split up, the first comprehensive study of child happiness suggests today.

Children's happiness is far more affected by family conflict than by factors such as living in a single parent household, according to the research by the Children's Society.

Young people who reported that their family "gets along well together" are on average 20 per cent happier than those who do not, regardless of whether they live with a single parent, a step-parent or both their birth parents, the study found.

The impact of family conflict on children's happiness far outstripped family structure, with a child in a lone parent household just 2 per cent unhappier than one living with both birth parents. Children were on average 10 per cent more unhappy in the immediate aftermath of a family break-up or another change in family structure such as gaining a step-parent.

But after a year happiness levels then recovered to almost the same levels as for children who had experienced no family problems.

Linky.

 

[Sir Robin Goodfellow]

Of course, if it's a house full of screaming fights...

 

[tesscaline]

Of course, if it's a house full of screaming fights...

"Family conflict" doesn't just have to refer to situations as severe as that. A consistently high level of tension between two parents can impact children as well, even if everyone stays polite.

 

[Sir Robin Goodfellow]

"Family conflict" doesn't just have to refer to situations as severe as that. A consistently high level of tension between two parents can impact children as well, even if everyone stays polite.

Yes. Even young children can be very perceptive about unspoken tensions.

 

[rjwould]

Does anyone here know anyone who stayed together for the sake of their children? It seems like it could actually lead to a worse environment for kids in some cases.

Any thoughts on the topic?

It may not be easy to do but more info would be helpful. Was it infidelity or abuse or neglect? Also duration of the relationship is important. Children are the most important factor of course, but that doesn't mean anyone should suffer in a horrible manner for anyone else's sake.

 

[kittynh]

Al Frankin wrote about his decision to stay with his wife for the kids. He said they talked about divorce and decided that the kids would rather have parents that hate each other eating with them at the dinner table than shuttling around. In a way, they disliked each other so much they knew they would not do a good job being divorced. Sort of like divorced parents I know that do the "top each other" holiday and birthday gifts.

Al, then said he figured "well I'm stuck with her" and then began to work to make things better because he could just stay miserable or figure out how to deal with THAT person.

Step by step, he ended up being more in love with her than the day he married her.


So, if you know you'll be a dreadful ex, and the fighting will only reach a new and different level with the children as pawns in the game of "who wins"... just stay miserably married if the alternative is to be miserably divorced. Because over the years as a teacher I have seen parents that just argue as married, that when divorced turn into evil demons filled with a hate that consumes everyone, with the children as the first victims.

Part of it is the assumption that with a divorce, life is going to get better. And when you can't blame the spouse for the problems, and just take responsibility for your own life...well a lot of people can't do that. So even divorced they continue to blame the ex for their problems. And the children just are unwilling participants, because mom and day WILL complain. And get pissy if the children do not accept love the new partners that come into their lives.

As a teacher, honestly, it's all down to what kind of person you are. Divorce doen't mean as much of a change as some people think. You are still a parent. And parenting is a team sport. Can you play nice? If not, just stay married until the kids die.

 

[Tsukasa Buddha]

I'm calling shenanigans on this thread now. I know the OP was begging for anecdotes, but come on now. Anecdotes != Evidence. Srsly, this is the JREF, right?

 

[TragicMonkey]

Does anyone here know anyone who stayed together for the sake of their children? It seems like it could actually lead to a worse environment for kids in some cases.

Any thoughts on the topic?

I thought staying together for the kids was bad enough, but then I met people who stay together because they can't afford to sell the house in this market. And these people told their kids this. They see other people, at their house. And drink a lot. A lot. Real great environment for those kids. One of them is developing a fascination with fire.

 

[sgtbaker]

My two cent; staying together for the sake of the kids can have it's benefits but it all depends on why the actual relationship wouldn't work if the kids didn't exist. If it's just a matter of not having feelings for the partner but both strive to keep the interests of the kids on the front burner, I could see it working. If one partner is neglectful towards the other partner, well, that is just raising the kids to believe that a one-sided relationship is acceptable (that's just one example - there are many reasons why some people are just better off apart).

 

[ponderingturtle]

Does anyone here know anyone who stayed together for the sake of their children? It seems like it could actually lead to a worse environment for kids in some cases.

Any thoughts on the topic?

That it depends on if the people in question can have a functional working child rearing relationship or not. If all they do is fight it is probably not a good idea, if they can behave like adults and work together it doesn't seem like it is a terribly bad idea.

 

[Darth Rotor]

The kids are a good reason to work harder at a relationship, instead of just giving up ..

This. ^^

When you decide that others are as important as you are, or moreso, the marriage and the family environment improve.

DR

 

[Sir Robin Goodfellow]

I'm calling shenanigans on this thread now. I know the OP was begging for anecdotes, but come on now. Anecdotes != Evidence. Srsly, this is the JREF, right?

I thought it would be an interesting topic for discussion. I may have been wrong. The moderators can close the thread if they wish.

 

[RockNroll]

I've long been wondering, is divorce really that horrible and traumatizing for the average kid? Does anyone have solid data on this?

In my case, when my parents divorced in my very early teens, it did not bother me in the least. In fact, I kinda enjoyed having two houses and having my parents compete for my affection. I'm glad they did not stay together "for my sake".

However, I acknowledge that my psychological make-up is far from representative of the average person's

 

[Agatha]

I only have an anecdote, in that my children are a whole lot happier now that my ex and I live apart than they were when we lived together. Both my ex and I will always do whatever is best for the children first, and then what is best for us second.

 

[pgwenthold]

I've long been wondering, is divorce really that horrible and traumatizing for the average kid? Does anyone have solid data on this?

I think the answer is, as with all of this, it depends. If the divorce is amicable and the parents work together to be good parents, then it could be a good thing. However, if the divorce is bitter and the parents use the kids against each other, then probably not so good. The same is true for staying together.

I don't see any reason why divorce must be a bad thing, nor do I see that staying together is necessarily good. Then again, they could be. It depends on the actual situation.

In the end, the variability of the individuals is far greater than that inherent in the situation.

 

[SpuriusMaximus]

Well, my parents stayed together... I'm not even sure if "for the kids" or just for the sake of repaying each other for each perceived injustice or slight. Strangely enough, they didn't end up loving each other more, or anything

I tend to joke that if there is reincarnation, I'll ask to be a real bastard in my next life.

 

[Skwinty]

I'm calling shenanigans on this thread now. I know the OP was begging for anecdotes, but come on now. Anecdotes != Evidence. Srsly, this is the JREF, right?

Question: How does one perform a scientific study on this subject without resorting to anecdote?
Surely as each partner explains their situation it will be anecdotal?

Anecdote alert!!!
I was married for 15 years and got divorced when my 2 daughters were 8 and 10. I got divorced because of a break down in my relationship with my ex. No extramarital affairs or third party.

2 years later I met someone else. My new partner fully accepted my kids and today, 15 years later my daughters treat my new partner as a second mother and my current and ex are best friends, We even go on holiday together. It can be a bit hairy for me but no one else especially when the women compare notes.

The main thing, I believe, is not to shirk one's responsibilities when financial and other common interests are involved.