Social Issue...Marriage Advice

[JLam]

This may sound like a strange request, but here goes.

I'm new on this board, but I have been reading the posts for a while, and I am glad to have found a place where people are mostly level-headed and clear-thinking. I'm thinking that many of you can give me advice.

I recently got engaged to a wonderful woman. We see eye to eye on almost everything, and she is everything I've ever wanted in a mate. We are both fairly young (late 20's) and neither of us has ever been married. I'm basically just looking to hear from people who are married to find out what to expect, what you've learned from marriage, and perhaps what surprised you the most about marriage. Things are great now, and I hope they will be forever. I truly believe that I'm getting married at the right time and for the right reasons. I'm just interested to hear about any speedbumps other people have come across and how they have dealt with them.

I realize this isn't a typical topic for this forum...but I like the way you people here think. So thanks in advance

 

[Zep]

Good Ed! We're being asked to be a marriage guidance & counselling service now!

Well, yes, jlam4911 - this IS a strange request. And while most of the regulars here are single, playing around, attached, engaged, married, parents, separated, just partners, or even (sadly) widowed or widowered(?), I would expect that you will find that all our experiences are unique because we are all unique.

And so it will be for you two.

 

[Quasi]

It might be good to ask yourself why you are getting married, and what you expect of your partner. IMHO, you should not expect your partner to change significantly, like marriage will all of the sudden mean they or you will want kids, or to settle down right away. The perception of the older generation will change towards you. Suddenly "having a baby" will slip into everyday conversations. Like: "Hi son, how is your job going? Having a baby yet? Oh, your mother and I just got back from Bed Bath & Beyond... by the time we were 28 we already had three kids and a five bedroom house did I ever tell you that?" Even strangers I meet ask me and my wife why we do not have a baby yet. All kidding aside, in the short term expect to write a lot of thank you cards for the great gifts, and have a great time on your honeymoon! Have fun with your friends at the wedding, it might be the last time you are all together at the same time. A practical suggestion, one which we did was to take all the formal pictures before the ceremony, then just candid shots for the rest of the night. This helps a great deal as one, everyone looks their best, and two, after the ceremony, depending on its length, people will be happier to go right to the cocktail hour. We went directly to a private room for some food and champaigne for about 15 minutes, then joined the fray. I guarantee the day will go by in what will seem like five minutes. Good luck!

 

[Hutch]

This topic probably will be transferred to the Community Forum, but no reason not to answer.

Never been married so I'm probably a poor adviser, but these quotes are from the Notebooks of Lazarus Long by Robert A. Heinlein and make a fair amount of sense to me. Hope they will to you.

1. A woman is not property, and husbands who think otherwise are living in a dreamword.

2. Soverign ingrediant for a happy marraige: Pay cash or do without. Interest charges not only eat up a household budget; awareness of debt eats up domestic felicity.

3. Another ingrediant for a happy marraige: budget the luxuries first.

4. And another--See to it she has her own desk--then keep your hands off of it!

5. And another--in a family argument, if it turns out you are right--apologize at once!

6. Formal courtesy between husband and wife is even more important than it is between strangers.

7. Don't try to have the last word. You may get it.

8. Rub her feet.

OK, some may not strike you as top advice, but whattya expect from a lifelong batchlor, huh?!

Good luck, long life, happy wedded bliss.

 

[iain]

My experience of marriage is so small (just the one) that I really can't see any reason why anyone should take my advice seriously at all; but since you asked, I shall give.

My one piece of advice is to say sorry and make up after (or during) an argument - even if you were right.

Other than that, good luck and I hope it works out for you.

 

[coalesce]

The Wedding Reception--whatever your wife wants, agree to it. The reception is a party for her, not you. Don't expect to eat much because chances are, you'll be table hopping and schmoozing. And remember, no matter how hard you try, there will be at least one malcontent who will find fault with something, so screw 'em!

Make a list of who gave you what for your wedding and keep it handy. Refer to this list so when in the future you're invited to their party, you'll know how much to give.

Write out thank-you cards within the first couple of weeks. Etiquette says you have up to a year, but if you wait that long, you may just be inviting ill will.

Both Quasi and Hutch have excellent suggestions, especially about taking formal pictures beforehand and about not being pressured into having a baby right away. That's for you to decide, and no one else--not partents, in-laws, friends, strangers. The one about paying cash for things is dead-on because nothing will ruin a happy home faster than money (or the lack thereof). Don't expect to change your partner to conform to your ideal mate: you married them knowing their flaws, and you've chosen to marry them nonetheless. Don't try and monopolize their social life. It's OK for them to see their friends outside of the home without you tagging along.

My brother gave me the best piece of advice concerning marriage years ago: marriage is like an arm-wrestling contest--you give a little, she gives a little.

And the thing I learned most from marriage: how easy it is to do the right thing.

Congratulations, and best of luck!

Michael

 

[Ed]

If you can laugh at yourself and the absurdity of most "serious" situations you will be ok. If your mate does not share this very helpful trait, she will think that you are oafish and insensitive and will divorce you.

You should try to anticipate what your mate wants and if it reasonable do it. This used to be called curtesy. If she does not act in a similar fashion to you you will grow resentful and divorce her.

The opinions of outsiders to your marriage are of as much import as a fart on a windy day. Listen politely but never let them or your spouse labor under the delusion that they define anything about your marriage. Your in-laws are older than you. They will be dead while you still live so they really have no long term skin in the game. Make that clear, politely. More than one divorce has occured to separate from in-laws as much as a spouse.

Beware obligations, real or perceived, to outsiders. Take care not to let "dropping in" become a regular occurance with anyone, particularly family. Your obligation is to each other, not the feelings of others.

While you should not be stingy, take care to avoid debt. As my sainted mother used to say "When money goes out the door, love goes out the window".

Do not, in a drunken haze, marry a hooker in Las Vegas. This is a killer.

 

[Tmy]

DONT GET MARRIED!

You're in your early 20's for christsakes. What the hell is your hurry?? You are both gonna change a whole lot in the next few years. You dont want to be stuck in some crappy marriage, probably with a kid, and be all depressed about it, before you are even 30.

Whats wrong with living together for a few more years? Its like trial marriage. Give that ago. The last thing you want to go through is a divorce. You should really be sure this is what you want. Theres no laws saying you MUST marry now. If anyone says you should, spit in their face for me.

HEED MY WORDS, DONT DO IT!!!!


Edit: Ooops. Late 20's. Even still I stick with my post. The happiest married couples I know are the ones who arent accutally married.

 

[Ed]

DONT GET MARRIED!

You're in your early 20's for christsakes. What the hell is your hurry?? You are both gonna change a whole lot in the next few years. You dont want to be stuck in some crappy marriage, probably with a kid, and be all depressed about it, before you are even 30.

Whats wrong with living together for a few more years? Its like trial marriage. Give that ago. The last thing you want to go through is a divorce. You should really be sure this is what you want. Theres no laws saying you MUST marry now. If anyone says you should, spit in their face for me.

HEED MY WORDS, DONT DO IT!!!!

Agree. Read Gail Sheehy's "Passages". At that age you are doomed.

 

[Nex]

Hi jlam4911! Interesting topic for the Politics forum...

My husband and I just celebrated our 1st wedding anniversary, so far so good! Of course, we have only been together a short while, so don't listen to me too closely...

1.) Your wedding is YOUR wedding-- unless the parents are footing the whole bill, they don't get much say in what goes down. Your vows are YOUR vows, and even if the parents are footing the whole bill, they don't get any say in those.

2.) Nothing really changes except your legal status as a husband, your wife's last name if she chooses, and your tax return paperwork. If you two have problems now, you'll have them afterwards as well.

3.) Quasi's totally right about the baby-comment thing-- many a family member, friend, and even total stranger will make baby comments. If you're planning on waiting a while or not breeding at all, this can become tiresome.

4.) It's a constant compromise. You have to consider all decisions on how they affect the both of you, and she has to do the same. You're a team. It's a mindset that takes a while to get used to, but it's very necessary in my opinion.

5.) When things get really, really, really bad, look at her and remember the first time you told her you love her (or other insanely strong positive emotional experience you both share). At least for me, it's enough to do that and say "Hey, we'll get through this." The love you share with her will become an anchor when times get tough. Use it or lose it.

Good luck and congratulations!

Originally posted by Ed

Originally posted by tmy
DONT GET MARRIED!

You're in your early 20's for christsakes...

Agree. Read Gail Sheehy's "Passages". At that age you are doomed.

Erm... he said he's in his late 20s. Not early 20s. Big difference in marital success between those groups. He'll be fine.

 

[Tmy]

2.) Nothing really changes except your legal status as a husband, your wife's last name if she chooses, and your tax return paperwork. If you two have problems now, you'll have them afterwards as well.

3.) Quasi's totally right about the baby-comment thing-- many a family member, friend, and even total stranger will make baby comments. If you're planning on waiting a while or not breeding at all, this can become tiresome.

Well if "nothing really changes" then why do it. ALl you seem to be doing is entering the worst contract ever. You now open yourslef up to give away basically 1/2 of what you got and will get. And what do you really get in return? Nothing different than you get now. Deal of the century!!!!

The Child thing. Thats just like the marriage thing. People TELLING YOU to get married. Why should you? To make your mom happy? Your girl wants a wedding to impress her pals? Society says I should be married at this time?

Really think to yourself. Is this what you want to do? For yourself???

 

[Nex]

Well if "nothing really changes" then why do it. ALl you seem to be doing is entering the worst contract ever. You now open yourslef up to give away basically 1/2 of what you got and will get. And what do you really get in return? Nothing different than you get now. Deal of the century!!!!

The Child thing. Thats just like the marriage thing. People TELLING YOU to get married. Why should you? To make your mom happy? Your girl wants a wedding to impress her pals? Society says I should be married at this time?

Really think to yourself. Is this what you want to do? For yourself???

Chill out there, sparky. He's not aiming to destroy the planet here.

*shrugs* Some people want to make a public, legal announcement of their convictions and devotion to one person. There's nothing wrong with that. If you don't want to do that, then don't. Obviously, he does. It's OK.

 

[username]

I recently got engaged to a wonderful woman. We see eye to eye on almost everything, and she is everything I've ever wanted in a mate. We are both fairly young (late 20's) and neither of us has ever been married. I'm basically just looking to hear from people who are married to find out what to expect, what you've learned from marriage, and perhaps what surprised you the most about marriage. Things are great now, and I hope they will be forever. I truly believe that I'm getting married at the right time and for the right reasons. I'm just interested to hear about any speedbumps other people have come across and how they have dealt with them.

I realize this isn't a typical topic for this forum...but I like the way you people here think. So thanks in advance [/B]

Well my wife and I got married in our early 20s as well. I would say the first 7 years were the toughest. Statistically if you are going to get divorced, it is the first 7 years that you will do it in. You should expect to have days when you hate your mate and want to rip their eyeballs out.

You should expect that you will do things that require forgiveness from your mate and you will need to forgive for your mate's offenses.

Sure, there is a lot of good, but my advice is to focus on the horrible bad that will accompany the marriage, particularly in the early years.

If you don't think you have what it takes to stick with it and compromise your butt off then don't get married. The real benefit of marriage, in my opinion, comes once you have crossed over the threshold of newly weds, you both become overly familiar with each other and keeping the spark of romance alive takes work. It is only then that you can really appreciate that you have a life partner. Someone who for better or worse will be there for you and you will be there for your mate.

 

[shanek]

I recently got engaged to a wonderful woman. We see eye to eye on almost everything, and she is everything I've ever wanted in a mate. We are both fairly young (late 20's) and neither of us has ever been married. I'm basically just looking to hear from people who are married to find out what to expect, what you've learned from marriage, and perhaps what surprised you the most about marriage. Things are great now, and I hope they will be forever. I truly believe that I'm getting married at the right time and for the right reasons. I'm just interested to hear about any speedbumps other people have come across and how they have dealt with them.

The best advice I can give is: never marry someone expecting her to chance, but marry her for who she is; always communicate and let each other know your true feelings; and never go to bed mad.

Of course, I'm divorced, so you can decide for yourself how credible this advice is...

 

[Some Friggin Guy]

Well, I've been married for about 5 1/2 years, and, frankly, I don't think marriage for love is a good idea. Let me explain the dichotomy:

My wife and I are deeply in love. Even so, we would never have gotten married save for the fact that she and I are from different countries. Both of us believe that, with the exception of the legal abilities (help with immigration, specifically, though it's not like they show it in the movies), marriage is an antiquated ritual far too steeped in religious control to make us happy. We love each other. That's enough for us.

Now, if you are dead set on getting married for love, then let me give you the best piece of advice I can think of: never go to bed angry.

 

[Regnad Kcin]

Some people want to make a public, legal announcement of their convictions and devotion to one person. There's nothing wrong with that.

Unless you're gay, apparently.

 

[Nex]

Unless you're gay, apparently.

Yes, of course. Then it would be an ABOMINATION.

 

[Regnad Kcin]

Er, though utilizing your quote, my comment was not directed at you personally. Unless your response to me was not to me either. Hard to tell, even with the rolleyes.

 

[kittynh]

I was married rather young (early 20s). At times the only thing that has held us together is the fact that we LOVE each other. There have even been some extended points where we have not liked each other, but we've always loved each other.

right now, at being married for longer than I haven't been married (that's a long time), I can honestly say I love him more than I ever did.

Also, the best advice my grandmother ever gave me, and I passed on to my daughters.

NEVER MARRY ANYONE YOU COULDN"T BE HAPPILY DIVORCED TO!


When I looked at Pool Boy I knew that if we did divorce, he would pay alimony (or I wouldn't mind paying him alimony) and if we had children would be a good and involved father. I don't think you can ever predict if a marriage will last or not. But if a marriage fails that doesn't mean it was a failure. So ask yourself. How would it be to be divorced with this person?

If you can answer that you could get along divorced, odds are you'll get along married!

 

[CBL4]

Think about the future. How do you (plural) see yourselves in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years and 50 years?

Are you going to have kids? What are your spiritual plans especially regarding kids? What are your career plans and do kids affect them? Where are you going to live? Are you going to own or rent? Who will run the finances? Will you have a joint checking account? Whose family are you going to visit at holidays? How will you each spend your free time? What happens if someone's parent get sick or die?

Some of these may seem silly but religion, work, finances, kids, friends and family can wreck the best marriages. There are no right answers but if you are surprised by your spouse's plans, it can be a major problem. If you are prepared, then perhaps you can work around it in advanced.

General Public had a song with the lyrics "I like the faults that make you you." Make sure you are ready to live with her faults for the next 50 years.

BTW, just because you plan something does not mean you cannot change your mind. When my wife and I got married, we planned to have 3 kids. 5 years later we decided to have no kids. 5 years later, we decided to have children. These decision could have killed our marriage but fortunately we seemed to change our minds together.

CBL