Drudgewire
Critical Doofus
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Finally had time to read this. Had no idea it would be pulled off as well as it has been. Bra-freakin'-vo!
Mystery Science Theater 3000 Presents: Loose Change 2nd Edition
- Thread starter Frozenwolf150
- Start date
Sabrina
Wicked Lovely
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My fave memory is probably the ever increasingly ludicrous names they gave that blond jock guy in the space movie with the blonde chick who hula hooped for fun.
I still crack up thinking of "Big McLargehuge".
Frozenwolf150
Formerly SilentKnight
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I know, we realized that too. The timing probably would not work if the riffs had to be interjected between lines of Loose Change's dialogue, even though there are tons of lengthy delays throughout the video. I'll try to keep that in mind if there are any overly long ones for Part II, which should be timed better (not that it matters).Very nice, very good, with one HUUUGE problem, imo... Most of those comments are coming too fast and mid sentence, and wouldn't really work like that on telly.
But on text, on this board, it works perfectly
Unfortunately, due to all the sight gags in Part II, and all the times Dylan says, "Derrr look at THIS!" I've had to create about 10 screenshots so far. Also, I ended up having to crop some of the shots from LC 2E, so the sides may look a little cut off. This was before I had enough sense to reduce the frame size entirely so that it would fit across the silhouette templates.
TriskettheKid
Graduate Poster
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Krankor: What a fool!
Tom Servo: He has defeated us numerous times, what makes him think he can do it again?
Oh man, I really have to buy the DVDs for that series.
And, again, there HAS to be a conspiracy behind this series not being on air anymore. Something this funny should be on reruns.
Tom Servo: He has defeated us numerous times, what makes him think he can do it again?
Oh man, I really have to buy the DVDs for that series.
And, again, there HAS to be a conspiracy behind this series not being on air anymore. Something this funny should be on reruns.
Drudgewire
Critical Doofus
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MST always had the issue of securing the rights to the movies they really wanted to do.
NOT ANYMORE!!
jhunter1163
beer-swilling semiliterate
My fave memory is probably the ever increasingly ludicrous names they gave that blond jock guy in the space movie with the blonde chick who hula hooped for fun.
I still crack up thinking of "Big McLargehuge".
That's Dirk Manmuscle to you. That was another classic!
"It was really nice of you to give that dead girl another chance."
TheRedWorm
I AM the Red Worm!
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"Okay, look alive, everybod- Oh sorry, Susan..."
Best Show Ever!
Best Show Ever!
Frozenwolf150
Formerly SilentKnight
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I thought I should let you know that Part II is almost finished-- almost. The riffs are all done, but we have yet to do the host segment sketch. In the meantime, here's an image I made for you to stare at in anticipation:
Prometheus
Acolyte of Víðarr
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Can't wait!
Frozenwolf150
Formerly SilentKnight
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Part II – Flight 77 and the Pentagon
Here it is. Part II is now up. I forgot to thank Gravy, whose LC viewer's guide was one of my main sources. (Where can I find the original version with all the funny insults BTW? I'd very much like to read it.) An honorable mention this time goes to iAmerican, whose insane neural misfirings I've managed to work into the host segment. I made the images, and there are a lot this time, while my co-writer did the proofreading and the other half of the riffs. I know I (ab)used the classic silhouette in a lot of those screenshots, but I couldn't resist.
~~~~~~~~
Part II – Flight 77 and the Pentagon
[Open to the control room of the Satellite of Love. Much of the bridge has been occupied by a large poster diagram consisting of various photos and names, with a convoluted network of circles and arrows drawn between them. Mike is wearing a neatly combed brown wig, a photogenic smile, and a business suit that makes him look very presidential. Tom has on dark shades, a slick black wig, a glittery white jumpsuit with a red inlaid collar, and a matching cape with a red, white, and blue eagle design on the back. Gypsy sports a royal tiara atop her head, ample amounts of makeup applied to her face, and an elegant blue satin gown wrapped around her midsection. Finally, Crow is dressed in a 1960s era spacesuit with a US flag insignia, looking ready to embark on a moon walk.]
MIKE: Okay, okay, so explain this to me one more time.
CROW: [shakes head] We’ve been over this already, Mike. [Points to the diagram] Like we said, you can’t simply believe the government and mainstream media. Don’t you know they’re all out to get you?
TOM: Exactly! I mean, how naïve are you anyway? We all know the aliens crashed at Roswell. [Points to a picture of Phantom of Krankor, by which a speech bubble with, “Hah, hah, hah, hah, hah!” is drawn.] You can’t convince me that those Unidentified Flying Objects seen in the airspace around Roswell all the time were just weather balloons and experimental aircraft.
CROW: There wasn’t anything remotely that sophisticated at the time, therefore it stands to reason that aliens did it!
TOM: The same aliens, I might add, who kidnapped Elvis. The King ain’t dead, because how could an immortal pop legend die of a drug overdose? Elvis didn’t do no drugs, he just went home! The government covered it up so there wouldn’t be a panic.
MIKE: So then what, JFK found out about the aliens, and so LBJ had him killed?
CROW: No, no. [Points to the items on the chart] In 1985, a federal district court jury deliberated the defamation suit brought by E. Howard Hunt against the publisher Liberty Lobby, determining that the CIA committed the assassination of John Kennedy.
MIKE: [confused] What?
TOM: Think, Mike, think! JFK was a big important person, which means that it must have required a big important government scheme to kill him. Surely you don’t think that a lone gunman, with marine sniper training, just got up one day and decided to take out the president, do you? [Points to picture of Oswald] That answer is just too dull, boring, and simplistic.
CROW: Exactly. The impossible path of the magic bullet, the motion of Kennedy’s head back and to the left, and let’s not forget the irrefutable fact that presidents just can’t die of mundane causes. Everything adds up to a CIA plot and a second gunman on the grassy knoll! To say otherwise is dross, lies, hypocrisy, cowardice, misprision of treason, or further treason.
MIKE: All right, never mind then, let’s move on. [Takes off his wig] Crow, why are you dressed as Neil Armstrong?
CROW: Because Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin were just paid actors who faked the whole thing in a movie studio. It would be simple enough to do that. All you would need is a lot of black paint, some sand, some rocks, and enough money to bribe everyone involved to keep their mouths shut.
TOM: Notice how the American flag just sticks straight out? [Points to the picture of the flag on the moon] That means there must have been wind blowing, but there’s no wind on the moon!
GYPSY: Guys, I think the flag is propped up with wires.
CROW: [ignores Gypsy] We can see from the film of the alleged moon landing that the astronauts on the moon were bouncing along as if the film were slowed down to one-sixth its original speed. What do you say to that? And don’t tell me that it’s because the moon has one-sixth the gravity of the Earth!
MIKE: Uh, well…
TOM: Do you see how much the NWO propaganda machine has you fooled? [Points to a picture of Hulk Hogan] They’ve got their hooks in everything! They wanted desperately to make it look like the US had won the space race.
MIKE: [gestures towards Gypsy] And what does Princess Di have to do with any of this?
CROW: Ah-ha! Notice how her nickname sounds like “DIE”? Just connect the dots, Mike. Rogue elements in MI6, the British secret service, decide that Di is a threat to the throne and the stability of the state, so they decide to take her out!
TOM: Yeah, forget how the royal family is only a bunch of figureheads with no real political power, and that most British people are anti-royalist anyway. It all makes too much sense!
CROW: Right, but what MI6 didn’t know was that Di had secretly planned with Dodi Al-Fayed to fake her own death, because she was fed up with the constant media intrusions into her private life. Leaving two kids behind that she will never be able to see again was a small price to pay.
TOM: After all, the bodyguard Trevor Rees-Jones survived, but Mercedes auto experts testified that it would have been impossible for anyone to survive a 121 mph crash in the tunnel. Obviously the British government was responsible.
MIKE: But all governments have done dishonest things at one point or another. It’s human nature. That doesn’t mean that everything is a conspiracy.
CROW: Mike, what you have to realize is that false flag operations have existed since Roman times, like when Nero caused the great fire of 64 AD in order to implicate the Christians. [Indicates the diagrams] Remember the burning of the Reichstag in 1933, the 1953 Iranian coup, the Gulf of Tonkin incident in 1964, or the Trade Federation blockade of Naboo in 32 BBY?
TOM: Furthermore, much evidence shows that the US government knew about the attacks on Pearl Harbor two days before they happened, yet intentionally failed to act.
CROW: Now the draft-dodging closet queen George W. Bush did 9/11. Don’t you see it yet? Get everyone all riled up and waving flags, and you’ve got a mandate to invade any country you want!
GYPSY: You know, I think I might be allergic to all this makeup that you… Ah—ah—WACHOOOO!!
[Gypsy lets out a huge sneeze, causing the large chart to buckle and fall, as hundreds of playing cards begin to flutter all around the control room. Mike looks around, even more confused.]
MIKE: What the? Where did all these cards come from?
CROW: Oh, that. Yeah, we taped the chart of conspiracy theories to a house of cards, so that we could hold it up better.
TOM: I didn’t think they’d all come down so easily, just like that. [He watches sadly as the rest of the cards, and the chart that was taped to them, finish collapsing to the floor.] Ah well, the heck with it. I didn’t much like playing Conspiracy Nutjob in the first place.
CROW: Yeah, me either.
[Gypsy sneezes again a couple of times, causing her tiara to clink to the table and her blue dress to slip off.]
MIKE: All right, we’d better get this cleaned up. [Turns to Cambot] We’ll be right back.
[Run commercial segment. Mike and the bots reenter the theater.]
Dylan: 9:38. Arlington, Virginia.
Hani Hanjour allegedly executes a 330 degree turn at 530 MPH.
TOM: He left his cell phone back at his neighbor’s apartment and wanted to crash it there first.
Dylan: Descending 7,000 feet in two and a half minutes to crash American Airlines Flight 77 into the ground floor of the Pentagon.
MIKE: But before he could get there, he and all the passengers were wished away into the cornfield by the 9/11 Truthiness Movement.
"[Flight 77] could not possibly have flown at those speeds which they said it did without going into a high speed stall."
"The airplane won't go that fast when you start pulling those high G maneuvers. That plane would have fallen out of the sky..."
-Russ Wittenburg, commercial and Air Force Pilot who flew two of the planes used on 9/11, WingTV
CROW: [as Majed Moqed] “Aw crap, Hani stalled the plane again! Khalid, it’s your turn to get out and push!
Dylan: Its final approach took it directly across Interstate-395, knocking light poles out of the ground and bouncing off of the lawn before impact.
CROW: That’s what they get for landscaping with rubberized Astroturf.
Dylan: First, let's meet Hani Hanjour. Hanjour came to Freeway Airport in Bowie, Maryland, one month earlier seeking to rent a small plane. However, when Hanjour went on three test runs in the second week of August he had trouble controlling and landing a single engine Cessna 172.
TOM: His marks for slamming it into the control tower were excellent though.
Marcel Bernard: Hello, my name is Marcel Bernard and I'm the chief flight instructor here at Freeway. Hani Hanjour, well basically what happened with him is... He showed at the airport and wanted to get checked out in the aircraft.
CROW: “Please Mr. Hanjour, put your pants back on!”
Marcel Bernard: You see, he was already certified, he didn't come to us for flight training.
Interviewer: Yeah, he already had a pilot's license.
Marcel Bernard: He already earned a - it was private, instrument, commercial at a school in Arizona - I don't remember the name of the school. He already had certificates in hand and we sometimes occasionally have pilots who come to us that don't want flight training, but just want to rent our aircraft.
MIKE: [As rental clerk] “Okay Mr. Hanjour, we’re all set. Just remember to bring it back in the same condition as when you rented it…”
Interviewer: Which is the case of Hani Hanjour?
Marcel Bernard: This was the case of Hani, he wanted to get "checked-out" as we call it to rent our aircraft. And our insurance requires that he flies with one of our instructors to be found competent to rent. And that was the process that he was going through.
TOM: [As flight instructor] “No, no, you’re not supposed to AIM for those little orange balls on the power lines!”
Marcel Bernard: And consensus was, he was very quiet, average, or below average piloting skills, English was very poor, so, that's about the best description I can get, give you for his demeanor. At that time very uneventful from my perspective.
MIKE: Yeah, you know—Hani was quiet, except for his occasional outbursts of, “Death to the infidels!” whenever something went wrong.
Dylan: Regardless, air traffic controllers at Dulles International Airport that were tracking Flight 77. All thought that it was a military plane.
"The speed, the maneuverability, the way that he turned, we all thought ... all of us experienced air traffic controllers, that that was a military plane"
-Danielle O'Brien, ATC at Dulles International Airport ABCNews (9/14/01)
MIKE: “Especially when it started skywriting the words, ‘SURRENDER DOROTHY.’ You don’t fly a 757 in that manner. It’s unsafe.”
Dylan: Second. The light poles. On November 22nd, 2004, a private jet en route to Houston to pick up George Bush Senior clipped a single light pole and crashed a minute away from landing at Houston's Hobby Airport.
TOM: They just had to bring Dom DeLuise and Louie Anderson along for the ride, didn’t they?
Dylan: The wing ripped off upon impact, scattering debris over 100 yards.
CROW: That’s what they get for letting Dubya pilot it after he’s been drinking.
Dylan: And yet, Flight 77 managed to tear five light poles completely out of the ground, without damaging either the wings or the light poles themselves.
TOM: I’m glad that Dylan cares so much about motorists who total their cars when they crash into rigid indestructible light poles.
Dylan: Instead, they seemed to have just popped out of the ground.
MIKE: Once you pop, the terror don’t stop.
Dylan: Third. You only have to look at the photos from that day to realize that whatever hit the Pentagon did not bounce off the lawn.
CROW: The butler bounced off the lawn. The butler always did it.
Dylan: If Flight 77 had crash-landed and skidded into the Pentagon, it would have looked something like this.
[An image of a skidding plane crash is shown, with a long dark streak cutting across a field and into the woods in the background.]
MIKE: What were you expecting, that the crash site would be swarming with aliens bearing the likenesses of JFK, Hitler, and Walt Disney after that mess?
Dylan: Instead, it looked like this, without a single scratch on the lawn. [Cut back to the shot of the Pentagon after the impact.]
TOM: You know, not counting all the ashes, rubble, and smoldering debris. I mean, who cares about smoldering debris?
Dylan: Fourth, why is there absolutely no trace of Flight 77?
MIKE: Oh no! Someone call Agent Jack Malone from the FBI!
[A news clip is shown of a fire engine outside the smoldering Pentagon, with the heading “Fox News Alert” and the subheading “Planes crash into Pentagon, Both World Trade Towers.”]
Unidentified Voiceover: You know, it, it might've appeared that way, but from my closeup inspection there's no evidence of a plane having crashed anywhere near the Pentagon.
TOM: “…But as for the INSIDE of the Pentagon! Whoo! Now that’s a whole other story!”
Unidentified Voiceover Cont’d: The only sight is the actual side of the building that's crashed in, and as I said the only pieces left that you can see are small enough that you can pick up in your hand. There are no large tail sections, wing sections, a fuselage, nothing like that anywhere around, which would indicate that the entire plane crashed into the side of the Pentagon...
CROW: Boy do those Pentagon janitors work fast!
Dylan: The official explanation is that the intense heat from the jet fuel vaporized the entire plane. Indeed. From these pictures, it seems that there is absolutely no trace of a Boeing 757.
[Another shot of the burning Pentagon is shown, with smoke and ashes strewn over the lawn, several knocked over cable spools, and a lone worker standing in the foreground.]
TOM: Yeah! If Loose Change doesn’t show a picture of it, it must not have happened!
Dylan: But if the fire was hot enough to incinerate a jumbo jet, then how could investigators identify 184 out of 189 people found at the Pentagon?
MIKE: I mean, is DNA evidence really “evidence”?
Dylan: The Armed Forces DNA Identification Laboratory, which was responsible for the task, was also responsible for identifying the dead in Shanksville.
Keep that in mind for later.
CROW: Well, since it was all faked, there obviously weren’t any corpses to identify. Boy, talk about a cushy government job!
Dylan: So what is a Boeing 757 made of? I called Boeing to ask, but...
TOM: “…They’d already put a restraining order on me!”
Dylan: The operator informed me that Boeing refuses to give out any information regarding the construction of their aircraft, due to the attacks of September 11th.
MIKE: Aw c’mon! If we let the terrorists find out how to build their own planes, they wouldn’t have to crash ours anymore!
Dylan: But what we do know is that the 757 has two Pratt & Whitney engines made of steel and titanium alloy, which are 9 feet in diameter, 12 feet long and weigh 6 tons each. Titanium has a melting point of 1688 degrees Celsius.
TOM: Right, because the giant reinforced concrete wall the plane slammed into at 500 miles per hour was hardly enough to destroy it.
Dylan: Jet fuel, also known as kerosene, is a hydrocarbon, which can retain a constant temperature of 1120 degrees Celsius after 40 minutes, but only if the fuel is maintained.
CROW: 40 minutes? No wonder it takes forever to get those planes started on cold days!
Dylan: The fuel would have burned off immediately upon impact.
MIKE: Dylan must be thinking about all those other planes that are fueled with rubbing alcohol.
Dylan: Therefore, it is scientifically impossible that 12 tons of steel and titanium was vaporized by kerosene.
Likewise, the two engines should have been found relatively intact at the Pentagon.
CROW: The Defense Department never should have tried to cut costs by commissioning the Nerf Corporation to construct the Pentagon.
Dylan: Instead, there was a single turbo-jet engine approximately 3 feet in diameter found inside the building. [Image of a turbine rotor is shown.]
TOM: Boy, it seems like they’re coming out with a new smaller, flatter, and more incomplete 757 engine every year!
CROW: Pfft, forget the turbine, I was able to get a plane to fly with just the engine casing!
Dylan: After this photo was published by American Free Press.
MIKE: “…Denying the Holocaust since 2001!”
[A shot of the AFP headline is shown, with the headline “Controversy Swirling Over Sept. 11 Pentagon Mystery” and the subheading “Industry Experts Can’t Explain Photo Evidence.” To the right is another headline “Attack on Syria Approved by Washington Warmongers.”]
MIKE: [points] There now, you see? “Washington Warmongers.” You can’t get more unbiased or objective than THAT.
Dylan: Readers wrote in to suggest that the turbine was a piece from the Auxiliary Power Unit - APU mounted in the tail section of the 757.
Chris Bollyn contacted Honeywell in Phoenix, Arizona, the manufacturer of a 757's APU. An expert, speaking on the condition of anonymity told him that: "There's no way that's an APU wheel.”
TOM: You know, Dylan, it helps if the contradictions aren’t right after each other.
Dylan: Bollyn then contacted Pratt & Whitney and Rolls-Royce, the two companies that manufacture 757 engines. Pratt & Whitney pointed Bollyn towards Rolls-Royce and John W Brown a spokesman for Rolls-Royce told Bollyn that, “It is not a part from any Rolls Royce engine that I’m familiar with, and certainly not the AE 3007H made here in Indy.”
CROW: That reminds me of when we called up Infogrames to complain about Uwe Boll’s movie adaptation of “Alone in the Dark.”
TOM: I know. Seriously, those software tech support guys should have had more information about the actual movie’s production!
Dylan: In an article written by Karl Schwartz, President and Chief Executive Officer of Patmos Nanotechnologies LLC and I-nets Security Systems…
MIKE: Because a self-employed con artist is obviously the go-to guy for aeronautics and jet engine expertise.
Dylan: He believes that the piece is a JT8D turbojet engine from the US Air Force A3 Skywarrior.
CROW: “Skywarriors, come out and pla-ay!”
Dylan: The piece in the FEMA photo is the front shaft bearing housing. Jet engines have a center shaft…
TOM: Can ya dig it?
Dylan: …Which must be balanced as well as bare seals on the front and back. The [FEMA] photo shows the front seal and a rotor hub missing its fan blades. These blades are easily removed in a collision such as the one found at the Pentagon.
MIKE: The engines should have been found relatively intact—you know, except for the blades being easily removed, and the rotor popping out, and all…
Dylan: The United States Air Force has only a few A3's left in operation, and they're stored in Van Nuys California at Hughes Aircraft, which is now better known as Raytheon. [A shot of an A3 launching a missile is shown.]
CROW: Wow, I didn’t know that A3 Skywarriors were designed to spew random engine parts at an enemy target.
Dylan: So if this piece didn't come from a 757, then where? And where are the engines from Flight 77?
MIKE: That would be so much harder to answer if an actual 757 HADN’T crashed into the Pentagon.
Dylan: The second identifiable piece of debris was allegedly a piece of the fuselage.
MIKE: Aw no, if he’s going to go over each of the hundreds of parts one at a time, we’re going to be here all night!
Dylan: Skeptics have claimed that this is proof that Flight 77 hit the Pentagon. But this piece could have come from any American Airlines plane.
TOM: Eh, flight 616 felt left out and decided to throw a piece of itself onto the debris field.
Dylan: And why is it not singed or scratched after a 530 MPH impact and a subsequent fireball?
CROW: Oh yeah, that twisted shredded hunk of metal is otherwise in immaculate condition.
Dylan: The third piece of debris was a diffuser case.
Dylan: Let's look a little closer at the diffuser case of a 757. Do you see the triangular bezels around the openings? Those are nowhere to be found on the case found at the Pentagon.
MIKE: I’m surprised he didn’t mistake that piece for a cheese grater, and then point out that plane engines aren’t made of cheese graters.
Dylan: The remainder of the debris was light enough to have been carried by hand.
MIKE: [strained voice] Oh yeah, this …hrrkkk… landing gear is …nnngh… light as a feather!
Dylan: And employees at the Pentagon were seen carrying away a large box shrouded in a blue tarp.
TOM: It’s called a “tent,” Dylan, which you would know if you ever got a life and ventured outdoors for a change.
Dylan: If Flight 77 was vaporized on impact, it would be the first time in aviation history.
CROW: And if Dylan didn’t just pull that strawman out of his ass, it would be the first time in Truther history.
Dylan: For example. August 15th, 2005.
Helios Airways Flight 522, a Boeing 737, en route to Athens, Greece crashed into a hillside at full speed. 121 passengers, all dead. Fire. Tail sections. Wing sections…
MIKE: …Priceless Ming vase.
Dylan Cont’d: Engines. Cockpit. Bodies. Catch my drift?
TOM: What, that you like to stare at dead bodies?
Dylan: Fifth. Why is the damage to the Pentagon completely inconsistent with a Boeing 757?
[Roll computer graphic crash simulation. The Loose Change main theme picks up once more as we see a shot of the Pentagon ablaze.]
MIKE: Not the crappy music again!
Dylan: These photos were taken before the roof of the outer ring had collapsed. The only damage to the outer wall is a single hole, no more than 16 feet in diameter.
MIKE: But you really have to squint and turn your head sideways, otherwise it looks more like it was 75 feet wide.
Dylan: A Boeing 757 is 155 feet long, 44 feet high, has a 124 foot wingspan, and weighs almost 100 tons. Are we supposed to believe that it disappeared into this hole, without leaving any wreckage on the outside?
CROW: Sheesh, what is it with this movie and all the phallic imagery?
Dylan: Why is there no damage from the wings, the vertical stabilizer, or the engines would have slammed into the building Remember how big the engines were? If 6 tons of steel and titanium slammed into the Pentagon at 530 mph, they would bury themselves inside the building, leaving two very distinct imprints.
CROW: Eh, those engines were just a couple of sissies, and ran away crying after lightly tapping the Pentagon.
Dylan: And yet, the only damage on the outside of the Pentagon is this single hole, with no damage from where the engines would have hit.
MIKE: “There was a HOLE here, it’s gone now.”
Dylan: Why are the windows next to the hole completely intact?
CROW: Don’t worry, a little Windex ought to bring back that streak free shine.
Dylan: Why are the cable spools directly in front of the hole completely untouched?
TOM: But the spools aren’t untouched because Garland KNOCKED THEM ALL DOWN!
Dylan: And as for the inside of the Pentagon, there's another hole approximately 16 feet in diameter found on the other side of the C ring, three rings from the impact. For that hole to have been caused by Flight 77, the Boeing would have had to smash through 9 feet of steel reinforced concrete.
CROW: This coming from the guy who thinks that concrete is as tough as cheese soufflé?
MIKE: Hey, I’ve heard that goes great with Freedom Fries.
Dylan: The nose of a commercial airliner is composed of lightweight carbon. This is what usually happens to the nose of a commercial airliner in a plane crash. If the nose caused this hole, where's the rest of the debris from the plane?
TOM: Poor Dylan, mistaking the landing gear for the nose of the plane.
CROW: Just as he often mistakes his ass for a hole in the ground.
Dylan: So what could blow a 16 foot hole in the outer ring of the Pentagon, smash through 9 feet of steel reinforced concrete, and leave another 16 foot hole?
MIKE: Oh, I know! Michael Bay!
Dylan: A cruise missile.
CROW: Dylan really seems to love things that blow up. And phallic imagery. And especially phallic imagery that blows up…
[A shot is shown of a missile being launched. Cut to a shot of the wreckage of Milosevic’s home.]
Dylan: This is what Slobodan Milosevic's residence in Belgrade looked like after a Tomahawk cruise missile had hit it. See any similarities?
TOM: Hmmmm—Hey, now I see it! Heh, the lack of airplane parts really threw me off for a second!
Dylan: Sixth, the eyewitnesses. Some saw a huge hundred ton commercial airliner.
TOM: [documentary narrator voice] “By 2001, humans had evolved to measure weight with their eyesight alone.”
Mike Walter: And I looked off, I was, you know looked out my window I saw this plane, jet, American Airlines jet coming.
TOM: I get it. Reverse-reverse psychology.
Dylan: Some saw a small, 8- to 20-passenger commuter plane.
Unidentified Witness: So it looked to be maybe a 20 passenger corporate jet, no markings on the sides, come in at a shallow…
CROW: Yeah, ever notice how things look smaller as you move farther away from them?
Dylan: And some saw a United States Military helicopter.
Unidentified Witness 2: …when it occurred, he said that he saw a helicopter circle the building. He said that it appeared to be a US Military helicopter, and that it disappeared behind the building where the helicopter landing zone is. And that he then saw a fireball go into the sky.
TOM: [ditzy effeminate voice] Okay so like, he said this guy, like, told him his security guard friend like, totally heard Don Rumsfeld talking to this guy like, saying he heard this guy like—saw the helicopter!
Dylan: So who's telling the truth? Take this into consideration. April Gallop was working in the Pentagon's west side when it was hit. In Jim Marrs' book Inside Job, April claims…
MIKE: …That she saved a bunch of money on her car insurance by switching to GEICO!
Jim Marrs: "While in the hospital, men in suits visited her more than once. They never identified themselves or what agency they worked for…”
TOM: [as an MiB] “Department of Airplane Crashes, Division 6.”
Jim Marrs Cont’d: “They didn't tell her what to say, just made suggestions. For example, to take the compensation money and shut up. They also kept insisting that a plane hit the building...”
MIKE: What a devious thing to do, telling her the truth and all!
Jim Marrs Cont’d: “They repeated this over and over. But I was there, and I never saw a plane, or even debris from a plane. I figure this story is to brainwash people.”
CROW: I need my brain washed to scrub out all the stupid after this movie.
Dylan: So if a Boeing 757 didn't hit the Pentagon, then what did? Eyewitnesses inside and outside the building were thrown to the ground by what they described as a shockwave.
TOM: Because it’s a little known fact that crashing planes don’t cause shockwaves; they bounce!
‘At that instant, a tremendous explosion ... shook the room. Mr. Murphy ... was knocked entirely across the room, while [a coworker] was jolted into his office.’
-Peter M. Murphy, on the fourth floor of the E-Ring, above the helipad
MIKE: But then his Pointy Haired Boss just told him to get back to work.
"... the blast of the impact was so tremendous, that from his vantage point, it threw him backward over 100 feet slamming into a light pole causing him internal injuries."
-Master Sergeant Noel Sepulveda, 150 feet from the point of impact
CROW: But I’ll bet Dylan still cares more about the well being of the light pole than the victim.
"Then, about 5 seconds later, the whole hotel shook. I could feel it moving."
-Jeff Anlauf, on the 14th floor of the Sheraton Hotel
CROW: “And I didn’t even insert the quarter yet!”
Dylan: Even the Sheraton Hotel, 1.6 Miles away, was rocked by the blast. A number of military personnel at the Pentagon specifically mentioned smelling cordite.
TOM: So he who smelt it dealt it? Grow up, Dylan.
"Even before stepping outside I could smell the cordite. I knew explosives had been set off somewhere."
-Don Perkal, MSNBC
"We saw a huge black cloud of smoke, she said, saying it smelled like cordite, or gun smoke."
-Gilah Goldsmith, The Guardian
MIKE: Wow, two attorneys trained in the use of gun propellant? That line of work must be more exciting than I thought!
Dylan: Cordite and jet fuel have two very distinct smells. Cordite is a compound used in ammunition, which is comprised of nitroguanidine, nitrocellulose, and nitroglycerin. It is cool-burning, produces little smoke and no flash, but produces a strong detonation wave. And, eyewitnesses described a bright, silvery flash.
TOM: Sure, it’s not like there weren’t any other bright silvery things involved, like—the PLANE itself!
"There was a silvery flash, an explosion, and a dark, mushroom shaped cloud rose over the building."
-James S. Robbins, National Security Analyst & NRO Contributor
CROW: Aw man, Major Kong did it again!
Dylan: Jet fuel combustion, i.e. the planes that struck the Twin Towers, is bright yellow at best. Watch this.
[Footage of the Boeing 720 crash on a runway]
CROW: This is what they get for letting Maverick and Goose pilot a 720!
Dylan: A massive smoldering fireball, no silvery flash, no shockwave.
TOM: You know, I can feel the lack of a shockwave from here, just by watching the video.
Dylan: And at the Pentagon, a tiny bright silvery flash, which shakes nearby buildings.
CROW: Oh stop fantasizing Dylan, you WISH that tiny little things could shake nearby buildings!
Dylan: Whatever it was, it might have been related to the two planes that were in the air after the crash. The first one was uniformly identified as a C-130.
"Then the plane -- it looked like a C-130 cargo plane -- started turning away from the Pentagon."
-John O'Keefe
"The only large fixed wing aircraft to appear was a gray C-130, which appeared to be a Navy electronic warfare aircraft."
-Anonymous, from the Naval Annex
MIKE: [as the C-130H pilot] “I didn’t do it! I was just following the 757, I swear!”
CROW: “Yeah, yeah, tell it to the judge.”
Dylan: The second plane was an unmarked white plane flying over Washington DC.
CNN Footage Voiceover: Aaron, I'm standing in Lafayette Park directly across from the White House, perhaps about 200 yards from the White House residence itself about 10 minutes ago there was a white jet circling overhead.
TOM: There was a flock of pigeons that took flight a few minutes ago. I’ll bet they were somehow connected to the explosion at the Pentagon!
CNN Footage Voiceover Cont’d: Now you generally don't see planes in the area over the White House; that is restricted airspace. No reason to believe that this jet was there for any nefarious purposes, but the Secret Service was very concerned, pointing up at the jet in the sky. It is out of sight now, best we can tell.
CROW: [as a Secret Service agent] “Come on guys, this jet will never leave restricted airspace unless we all point at it as hard as we can!”
Dylan: At 9:25, Jane Garvey, the head of the FAA, initiated a national ground stop, which prevents further takeoffs and requires all planes in the air to land. The order, which hasn't been implemented since 1903…
TOM: Man, was President Teddy Roosevelt pissed when Orville and Wilbur crashed their plane into his beach house in Kitty Hawk!
Dylan Cont’d: …applied to almost every single kind of a plane: civilian, military, or law enforcement. Certain military flights were allowed to fly during this time, but the FAA isn't talking. Why were these two planes allowed in the air when everyone else had to land?
TOM: Oh, I dunno Dylan, maybe they were there to—DEFEND against further attack?!
MIKE: [as a fighter pilot] “Okay, so uh, we’ve finally gotten clearance to take off, and uh… Well now what do we do?”
Dylan: And finally, why did people keep reporting a second explosion at the Pentagon?
CROW: That’ll work. Say that there were TWO explosions, to make your version of the story TWICE as believable.
FOX News Footage Voiceover: Well, I can't tell you about that, but I was just here in front of the capital, which by the way has been evacuated, and back toward the Supreme Court area we just heard a low muffled thud. It sounded like a small explosion.
TOM: It might have had to do with the baked beans, broccoli, and burritos potluck they held the night before.
FOX News Footage Voiceover 2: There have been unconfirmed reports of second explosions here at the Pentagon, we have not confirmed that, but again…
Dylan: Where did this fireball come from?
CROW: Uh, it’s a little known fact, but buildings tend to catch fire when jet airliners crash into them.
Dylan: Seventh, surveillance cameras from a gas station, Sheraton Hotel, and the Virginia Department of Transportation captured the entire thing. However, the FBI was there within minutes to confiscate the tapes, including a warning for the employees not to discuss what they had seen.
TOM: What were they thinking? Doesn’t the FBI know you’re supposed to leave crime scene evidence lying around for a while?
Dylan: If the government wishes to prove once and for all that Flight 77 hit the Pentagon, all they would have to do is release one of those tapes.
MIKE: [as hostage negotiator] “Okay, please let go of the tape. We don’t want to hurt you and we want everyone to be able to walk away from this alive. Just put down the gun and let the tape go.”
Dylan: Instead, they released 5 frames from a camera across the heliport, even though none of them show a 757.
TOM: Wow, that grainy zoomed-in low framerate video sure convinced me there was no plane! Case closed!
Dylan: And finally, why do satellite photos taken 4 days before 9/11 show a white marking on the front lawn, marking almost the exact trajectory of whatever hit the Pentagon 4 days later?
MIKE: Damn it Rumsfeld! You should have known that your new 300-channel cable connection would have been the Pentagon’s undoing!
"The area …had blast-resistant windows, 2 inches thick and 2,500 pounds each, that stayed intact during the crash and fire."
-Los Angeles Times (09/16/01)
Dylan: And is it merely a coincidence that the Pentagon was hit in the only section that was renovated to withstand that very same kind of attack…
CROW: Oh yeah, barely a scratch on it!
Dylan Cont’d: …and that Donald Rumsfeld was safe in his office on the opposite end of the building?
MIKE: Well he DID try working in the middle of all that construction, but he just couldn’t seem to concentrate for some reason.
Dylan: If the government has nothing to hide, why are they so afraid to answer a few questions, or release a few videos?
TOM: Because deliberately perpetuating the no-plane myth plays right into the government’s hands, obviously.
MIKE: The government conspiracy—is a government conspiracy!
[Crow begins to get up and head for the exit, and Mike carries Tom out for the second break.]
[End of Part II]
Here it is. Part II is now up. I forgot to thank Gravy, whose LC viewer's guide was one of my main sources. (Where can I find the original version with all the funny insults BTW? I'd very much like to read it.) An honorable mention this time goes to iAmerican, whose insane neural misfirings I've managed to work into the host segment. I made the images, and there are a lot this time, while my co-writer did the proofreading and the other half of the riffs. I know I (ab)used the classic silhouette in a lot of those screenshots, but I couldn't resist.
~~~~~~~~
Part II – Flight 77 and the Pentagon
[Open to the control room of the Satellite of Love. Much of the bridge has been occupied by a large poster diagram consisting of various photos and names, with a convoluted network of circles and arrows drawn between them. Mike is wearing a neatly combed brown wig, a photogenic smile, and a business suit that makes him look very presidential. Tom has on dark shades, a slick black wig, a glittery white jumpsuit with a red inlaid collar, and a matching cape with a red, white, and blue eagle design on the back. Gypsy sports a royal tiara atop her head, ample amounts of makeup applied to her face, and an elegant blue satin gown wrapped around her midsection. Finally, Crow is dressed in a 1960s era spacesuit with a US flag insignia, looking ready to embark on a moon walk.]
MIKE: Okay, okay, so explain this to me one more time.
CROW: [shakes head] We’ve been over this already, Mike. [Points to the diagram] Like we said, you can’t simply believe the government and mainstream media. Don’t you know they’re all out to get you?
TOM: Exactly! I mean, how naïve are you anyway? We all know the aliens crashed at Roswell. [Points to a picture of Phantom of Krankor, by which a speech bubble with, “Hah, hah, hah, hah, hah!” is drawn.] You can’t convince me that those Unidentified Flying Objects seen in the airspace around Roswell all the time were just weather balloons and experimental aircraft.
CROW: There wasn’t anything remotely that sophisticated at the time, therefore it stands to reason that aliens did it!
TOM: The same aliens, I might add, who kidnapped Elvis. The King ain’t dead, because how could an immortal pop legend die of a drug overdose? Elvis didn’t do no drugs, he just went home! The government covered it up so there wouldn’t be a panic.
MIKE: So then what, JFK found out about the aliens, and so LBJ had him killed?
CROW: No, no. [Points to the items on the chart] In 1985, a federal district court jury deliberated the defamation suit brought by E. Howard Hunt against the publisher Liberty Lobby, determining that the CIA committed the assassination of John Kennedy.
MIKE: [confused] What?
TOM: Think, Mike, think! JFK was a big important person, which means that it must have required a big important government scheme to kill him. Surely you don’t think that a lone gunman, with marine sniper training, just got up one day and decided to take out the president, do you? [Points to picture of Oswald] That answer is just too dull, boring, and simplistic.
CROW: Exactly. The impossible path of the magic bullet, the motion of Kennedy’s head back and to the left, and let’s not forget the irrefutable fact that presidents just can’t die of mundane causes. Everything adds up to a CIA plot and a second gunman on the grassy knoll! To say otherwise is dross, lies, hypocrisy, cowardice, misprision of treason, or further treason.
MIKE: All right, never mind then, let’s move on. [Takes off his wig] Crow, why are you dressed as Neil Armstrong?
CROW: Because Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin were just paid actors who faked the whole thing in a movie studio. It would be simple enough to do that. All you would need is a lot of black paint, some sand, some rocks, and enough money to bribe everyone involved to keep their mouths shut.
TOM: Notice how the American flag just sticks straight out? [Points to the picture of the flag on the moon] That means there must have been wind blowing, but there’s no wind on the moon!
GYPSY: Guys, I think the flag is propped up with wires.
CROW: [ignores Gypsy] We can see from the film of the alleged moon landing that the astronauts on the moon were bouncing along as if the film were slowed down to one-sixth its original speed. What do you say to that? And don’t tell me that it’s because the moon has one-sixth the gravity of the Earth!
MIKE: Uh, well…
TOM: Do you see how much the NWO propaganda machine has you fooled? [Points to a picture of Hulk Hogan] They’ve got their hooks in everything! They wanted desperately to make it look like the US had won the space race.
MIKE: [gestures towards Gypsy] And what does Princess Di have to do with any of this?
CROW: Ah-ha! Notice how her nickname sounds like “DIE”? Just connect the dots, Mike. Rogue elements in MI6, the British secret service, decide that Di is a threat to the throne and the stability of the state, so they decide to take her out!
TOM: Yeah, forget how the royal family is only a bunch of figureheads with no real political power, and that most British people are anti-royalist anyway. It all makes too much sense!
CROW: Right, but what MI6 didn’t know was that Di had secretly planned with Dodi Al-Fayed to fake her own death, because she was fed up with the constant media intrusions into her private life. Leaving two kids behind that she will never be able to see again was a small price to pay.
TOM: After all, the bodyguard Trevor Rees-Jones survived, but Mercedes auto experts testified that it would have been impossible for anyone to survive a 121 mph crash in the tunnel. Obviously the British government was responsible.
MIKE: But all governments have done dishonest things at one point or another. It’s human nature. That doesn’t mean that everything is a conspiracy.
CROW: Mike, what you have to realize is that false flag operations have existed since Roman times, like when Nero caused the great fire of 64 AD in order to implicate the Christians. [Indicates the diagrams] Remember the burning of the Reichstag in 1933, the 1953 Iranian coup, the Gulf of Tonkin incident in 1964, or the Trade Federation blockade of Naboo in 32 BBY?
TOM: Furthermore, much evidence shows that the US government knew about the attacks on Pearl Harbor two days before they happened, yet intentionally failed to act.
CROW: Now the draft-dodging closet queen George W. Bush did 9/11. Don’t you see it yet? Get everyone all riled up and waving flags, and you’ve got a mandate to invade any country you want!
GYPSY: You know, I think I might be allergic to all this makeup that you… Ah—ah—WACHOOOO!!
[Gypsy lets out a huge sneeze, causing the large chart to buckle and fall, as hundreds of playing cards begin to flutter all around the control room. Mike looks around, even more confused.]
MIKE: What the? Where did all these cards come from?
CROW: Oh, that. Yeah, we taped the chart of conspiracy theories to a house of cards, so that we could hold it up better.
TOM: I didn’t think they’d all come down so easily, just like that. [He watches sadly as the rest of the cards, and the chart that was taped to them, finish collapsing to the floor.] Ah well, the heck with it. I didn’t much like playing Conspiracy Nutjob in the first place.
CROW: Yeah, me either.
[Gypsy sneezes again a couple of times, causing her tiara to clink to the table and her blue dress to slip off.]
MIKE: All right, we’d better get this cleaned up. [Turns to Cambot] We’ll be right back.
[Run commercial segment. Mike and the bots reenter the theater.]
Dylan: 9:38. Arlington, Virginia.
Hani Hanjour allegedly executes a 330 degree turn at 530 MPH.
TOM: He left his cell phone back at his neighbor’s apartment and wanted to crash it there first.
Dylan: Descending 7,000 feet in two and a half minutes to crash American Airlines Flight 77 into the ground floor of the Pentagon.
MIKE: But before he could get there, he and all the passengers were wished away into the cornfield by the 9/11 Truthiness Movement.
"[Flight 77] could not possibly have flown at those speeds which they said it did without going into a high speed stall."
"The airplane won't go that fast when you start pulling those high G maneuvers. That plane would have fallen out of the sky..."
-Russ Wittenburg, commercial and Air Force Pilot who flew two of the planes used on 9/11, WingTV
CROW: [as Majed Moqed] “Aw crap, Hani stalled the plane again! Khalid, it’s your turn to get out and push!
Dylan: Its final approach took it directly across Interstate-395, knocking light poles out of the ground and bouncing off of the lawn before impact.
CROW: That’s what they get for landscaping with rubberized Astroturf.
Dylan: First, let's meet Hani Hanjour. Hanjour came to Freeway Airport in Bowie, Maryland, one month earlier seeking to rent a small plane. However, when Hanjour went on three test runs in the second week of August he had trouble controlling and landing a single engine Cessna 172.
TOM: His marks for slamming it into the control tower were excellent though.
Marcel Bernard: Hello, my name is Marcel Bernard and I'm the chief flight instructor here at Freeway. Hani Hanjour, well basically what happened with him is... He showed at the airport and wanted to get checked out in the aircraft.
CROW: “Please Mr. Hanjour, put your pants back on!”
Marcel Bernard: You see, he was already certified, he didn't come to us for flight training.
Interviewer: Yeah, he already had a pilot's license.
Marcel Bernard: He already earned a - it was private, instrument, commercial at a school in Arizona - I don't remember the name of the school. He already had certificates in hand and we sometimes occasionally have pilots who come to us that don't want flight training, but just want to rent our aircraft.
MIKE: [As rental clerk] “Okay Mr. Hanjour, we’re all set. Just remember to bring it back in the same condition as when you rented it…”
Interviewer: Which is the case of Hani Hanjour?
Marcel Bernard: This was the case of Hani, he wanted to get "checked-out" as we call it to rent our aircraft. And our insurance requires that he flies with one of our instructors to be found competent to rent. And that was the process that he was going through.
TOM: [As flight instructor] “No, no, you’re not supposed to AIM for those little orange balls on the power lines!”
Marcel Bernard: And consensus was, he was very quiet, average, or below average piloting skills, English was very poor, so, that's about the best description I can get, give you for his demeanor. At that time very uneventful from my perspective.
MIKE: Yeah, you know—Hani was quiet, except for his occasional outbursts of, “Death to the infidels!” whenever something went wrong.
Dylan: Regardless, air traffic controllers at Dulles International Airport that were tracking Flight 77. All thought that it was a military plane.
"The speed, the maneuverability, the way that he turned, we all thought ... all of us experienced air traffic controllers, that that was a military plane"
-Danielle O'Brien, ATC at Dulles International Airport ABCNews (9/14/01)
MIKE: “Especially when it started skywriting the words, ‘SURRENDER DOROTHY.’ You don’t fly a 757 in that manner. It’s unsafe.”
Dylan: Second. The light poles. On November 22nd, 2004, a private jet en route to Houston to pick up George Bush Senior clipped a single light pole and crashed a minute away from landing at Houston's Hobby Airport.
TOM: They just had to bring Dom DeLuise and Louie Anderson along for the ride, didn’t they?
Dylan: The wing ripped off upon impact, scattering debris over 100 yards.
CROW: That’s what they get for letting Dubya pilot it after he’s been drinking.
Dylan: And yet, Flight 77 managed to tear five light poles completely out of the ground, without damaging either the wings or the light poles themselves.
TOM: I’m glad that Dylan cares so much about motorists who total their cars when they crash into rigid indestructible light poles.
Dylan: Instead, they seemed to have just popped out of the ground.
MIKE: Once you pop, the terror don’t stop.
Dylan: Third. You only have to look at the photos from that day to realize that whatever hit the Pentagon did not bounce off the lawn.
CROW: The butler bounced off the lawn. The butler always did it.
Dylan: If Flight 77 had crash-landed and skidded into the Pentagon, it would have looked something like this.
[An image of a skidding plane crash is shown, with a long dark streak cutting across a field and into the woods in the background.]
MIKE: What were you expecting, that the crash site would be swarming with aliens bearing the likenesses of JFK, Hitler, and Walt Disney after that mess?
Dylan: Instead, it looked like this, without a single scratch on the lawn. [Cut back to the shot of the Pentagon after the impact.]
TOM: You know, not counting all the ashes, rubble, and smoldering debris. I mean, who cares about smoldering debris?
Dylan: Fourth, why is there absolutely no trace of Flight 77?
MIKE: Oh no! Someone call Agent Jack Malone from the FBI!
[A news clip is shown of a fire engine outside the smoldering Pentagon, with the heading “Fox News Alert” and the subheading “Planes crash into Pentagon, Both World Trade Towers.”]
Unidentified Voiceover: You know, it, it might've appeared that way, but from my closeup inspection there's no evidence of a plane having crashed anywhere near the Pentagon.
TOM: “…But as for the INSIDE of the Pentagon! Whoo! Now that’s a whole other story!”
Unidentified Voiceover Cont’d: The only sight is the actual side of the building that's crashed in, and as I said the only pieces left that you can see are small enough that you can pick up in your hand. There are no large tail sections, wing sections, a fuselage, nothing like that anywhere around, which would indicate that the entire plane crashed into the side of the Pentagon...
CROW: Boy do those Pentagon janitors work fast!
Dylan: The official explanation is that the intense heat from the jet fuel vaporized the entire plane. Indeed. From these pictures, it seems that there is absolutely no trace of a Boeing 757.
[Another shot of the burning Pentagon is shown, with smoke and ashes strewn over the lawn, several knocked over cable spools, and a lone worker standing in the foreground.]
TOM: Yeah! If Loose Change doesn’t show a picture of it, it must not have happened!
Dylan: But if the fire was hot enough to incinerate a jumbo jet, then how could investigators identify 184 out of 189 people found at the Pentagon?
MIKE: I mean, is DNA evidence really “evidence”?
Dylan: The Armed Forces DNA Identification Laboratory, which was responsible for the task, was also responsible for identifying the dead in Shanksville.
Keep that in mind for later.
CROW: Well, since it was all faked, there obviously weren’t any corpses to identify. Boy, talk about a cushy government job!
Dylan: So what is a Boeing 757 made of? I called Boeing to ask, but...
TOM: “…They’d already put a restraining order on me!”
Dylan: The operator informed me that Boeing refuses to give out any information regarding the construction of their aircraft, due to the attacks of September 11th.
MIKE: Aw c’mon! If we let the terrorists find out how to build their own planes, they wouldn’t have to crash ours anymore!
Dylan: But what we do know is that the 757 has two Pratt & Whitney engines made of steel and titanium alloy, which are 9 feet in diameter, 12 feet long and weigh 6 tons each. Titanium has a melting point of 1688 degrees Celsius.
TOM: Right, because the giant reinforced concrete wall the plane slammed into at 500 miles per hour was hardly enough to destroy it.
Dylan: Jet fuel, also known as kerosene, is a hydrocarbon, which can retain a constant temperature of 1120 degrees Celsius after 40 minutes, but only if the fuel is maintained.
CROW: 40 minutes? No wonder it takes forever to get those planes started on cold days!
Dylan: The fuel would have burned off immediately upon impact.
MIKE: Dylan must be thinking about all those other planes that are fueled with rubbing alcohol.
Dylan: Therefore, it is scientifically impossible that 12 tons of steel and titanium was vaporized by kerosene.
Likewise, the two engines should have been found relatively intact at the Pentagon.
CROW: The Defense Department never should have tried to cut costs by commissioning the Nerf Corporation to construct the Pentagon.
Dylan: Instead, there was a single turbo-jet engine approximately 3 feet in diameter found inside the building. [Image of a turbine rotor is shown.]
TOM: Boy, it seems like they’re coming out with a new smaller, flatter, and more incomplete 757 engine every year!
CROW: Pfft, forget the turbine, I was able to get a plane to fly with just the engine casing!
Dylan: After this photo was published by American Free Press.
MIKE: “…Denying the Holocaust since 2001!”
[A shot of the AFP headline is shown, with the headline “Controversy Swirling Over Sept. 11 Pentagon Mystery” and the subheading “Industry Experts Can’t Explain Photo Evidence.” To the right is another headline “Attack on Syria Approved by Washington Warmongers.”]
MIKE: [points] There now, you see? “Washington Warmongers.” You can’t get more unbiased or objective than THAT.
Dylan: Readers wrote in to suggest that the turbine was a piece from the Auxiliary Power Unit - APU mounted in the tail section of the 757.
Chris Bollyn contacted Honeywell in Phoenix, Arizona, the manufacturer of a 757's APU. An expert, speaking on the condition of anonymity told him that: "There's no way that's an APU wheel.”
TOM: You know, Dylan, it helps if the contradictions aren’t right after each other.
Dylan: Bollyn then contacted Pratt & Whitney and Rolls-Royce, the two companies that manufacture 757 engines. Pratt & Whitney pointed Bollyn towards Rolls-Royce and John W Brown a spokesman for Rolls-Royce told Bollyn that, “It is not a part from any Rolls Royce engine that I’m familiar with, and certainly not the AE 3007H made here in Indy.”
CROW: That reminds me of when we called up Infogrames to complain about Uwe Boll’s movie adaptation of “Alone in the Dark.”
TOM: I know. Seriously, those software tech support guys should have had more information about the actual movie’s production!
Dylan: In an article written by Karl Schwartz, President and Chief Executive Officer of Patmos Nanotechnologies LLC and I-nets Security Systems…
MIKE: Because a self-employed con artist is obviously the go-to guy for aeronautics and jet engine expertise.
Dylan: He believes that the piece is a JT8D turbojet engine from the US Air Force A3 Skywarrior.
CROW: “Skywarriors, come out and pla-ay!”
Dylan: The piece in the FEMA photo is the front shaft bearing housing. Jet engines have a center shaft…
TOM: Can ya dig it?
Dylan: …Which must be balanced as well as bare seals on the front and back. The [FEMA] photo shows the front seal and a rotor hub missing its fan blades. These blades are easily removed in a collision such as the one found at the Pentagon.
MIKE: The engines should have been found relatively intact—you know, except for the blades being easily removed, and the rotor popping out, and all…
Dylan: The United States Air Force has only a few A3's left in operation, and they're stored in Van Nuys California at Hughes Aircraft, which is now better known as Raytheon. [A shot of an A3 launching a missile is shown.]
CROW: Wow, I didn’t know that A3 Skywarriors were designed to spew random engine parts at an enemy target.
Dylan: So if this piece didn't come from a 757, then where? And where are the engines from Flight 77?
MIKE: That would be so much harder to answer if an actual 757 HADN’T crashed into the Pentagon.
Dylan: The second identifiable piece of debris was allegedly a piece of the fuselage.
MIKE: Aw no, if he’s going to go over each of the hundreds of parts one at a time, we’re going to be here all night!
Dylan: Skeptics have claimed that this is proof that Flight 77 hit the Pentagon. But this piece could have come from any American Airlines plane.
TOM: Eh, flight 616 felt left out and decided to throw a piece of itself onto the debris field.
Dylan: And why is it not singed or scratched after a 530 MPH impact and a subsequent fireball?
CROW: Oh yeah, that twisted shredded hunk of metal is otherwise in immaculate condition.
Dylan: The third piece of debris was a diffuser case.
Dylan: Let's look a little closer at the diffuser case of a 757. Do you see the triangular bezels around the openings? Those are nowhere to be found on the case found at the Pentagon.
MIKE: I’m surprised he didn’t mistake that piece for a cheese grater, and then point out that plane engines aren’t made of cheese graters.
Dylan: The remainder of the debris was light enough to have been carried by hand.
MIKE: [strained voice] Oh yeah, this …hrrkkk… landing gear is …nnngh… light as a feather!
Dylan: And employees at the Pentagon were seen carrying away a large box shrouded in a blue tarp.
TOM: It’s called a “tent,” Dylan, which you would know if you ever got a life and ventured outdoors for a change.
Dylan: If Flight 77 was vaporized on impact, it would be the first time in aviation history.
CROW: And if Dylan didn’t just pull that strawman out of his ass, it would be the first time in Truther history.
Dylan: For example. August 15th, 2005.
Helios Airways Flight 522, a Boeing 737, en route to Athens, Greece crashed into a hillside at full speed. 121 passengers, all dead. Fire. Tail sections. Wing sections…
MIKE: …Priceless Ming vase.
Dylan Cont’d: Engines. Cockpit. Bodies. Catch my drift?
TOM: What, that you like to stare at dead bodies?
Dylan: Fifth. Why is the damage to the Pentagon completely inconsistent with a Boeing 757?
[Roll computer graphic crash simulation. The Loose Change main theme picks up once more as we see a shot of the Pentagon ablaze.]
MIKE: Not the crappy music again!
Dylan: These photos were taken before the roof of the outer ring had collapsed. The only damage to the outer wall is a single hole, no more than 16 feet in diameter.
MIKE: But you really have to squint and turn your head sideways, otherwise it looks more like it was 75 feet wide.
Dylan: A Boeing 757 is 155 feet long, 44 feet high, has a 124 foot wingspan, and weighs almost 100 tons. Are we supposed to believe that it disappeared into this hole, without leaving any wreckage on the outside?
CROW: Sheesh, what is it with this movie and all the phallic imagery?
Dylan: Why is there no damage from the wings, the vertical stabilizer, or the engines would have slammed into the building Remember how big the engines were? If 6 tons of steel and titanium slammed into the Pentagon at 530 mph, they would bury themselves inside the building, leaving two very distinct imprints.
CROW: Eh, those engines were just a couple of sissies, and ran away crying after lightly tapping the Pentagon.
Dylan: And yet, the only damage on the outside of the Pentagon is this single hole, with no damage from where the engines would have hit.
MIKE: “There was a HOLE here, it’s gone now.”
Dylan: Why are the windows next to the hole completely intact?
CROW: Don’t worry, a little Windex ought to bring back that streak free shine.
Dylan: Why are the cable spools directly in front of the hole completely untouched?
TOM: But the spools aren’t untouched because Garland KNOCKED THEM ALL DOWN!
Dylan: And as for the inside of the Pentagon, there's another hole approximately 16 feet in diameter found on the other side of the C ring, three rings from the impact. For that hole to have been caused by Flight 77, the Boeing would have had to smash through 9 feet of steel reinforced concrete.
CROW: This coming from the guy who thinks that concrete is as tough as cheese soufflé?
MIKE: Hey, I’ve heard that goes great with Freedom Fries.
Dylan: The nose of a commercial airliner is composed of lightweight carbon. This is what usually happens to the nose of a commercial airliner in a plane crash. If the nose caused this hole, where's the rest of the debris from the plane?
TOM: Poor Dylan, mistaking the landing gear for the nose of the plane.
CROW: Just as he often mistakes his ass for a hole in the ground.
Dylan: So what could blow a 16 foot hole in the outer ring of the Pentagon, smash through 9 feet of steel reinforced concrete, and leave another 16 foot hole?
MIKE: Oh, I know! Michael Bay!
Dylan: A cruise missile.
CROW: Dylan really seems to love things that blow up. And phallic imagery. And especially phallic imagery that blows up…
[A shot is shown of a missile being launched. Cut to a shot of the wreckage of Milosevic’s home.]
Dylan: This is what Slobodan Milosevic's residence in Belgrade looked like after a Tomahawk cruise missile had hit it. See any similarities?
TOM: Hmmmm—Hey, now I see it! Heh, the lack of airplane parts really threw me off for a second!
Dylan: Sixth, the eyewitnesses. Some saw a huge hundred ton commercial airliner.
TOM: [documentary narrator voice] “By 2001, humans had evolved to measure weight with their eyesight alone.”
Mike Walter: And I looked off, I was, you know looked out my window I saw this plane, jet, American Airlines jet coming.
TOM: I get it. Reverse-reverse psychology.
Dylan: Some saw a small, 8- to 20-passenger commuter plane.
Unidentified Witness: So it looked to be maybe a 20 passenger corporate jet, no markings on the sides, come in at a shallow…
CROW: Yeah, ever notice how things look smaller as you move farther away from them?
Dylan: And some saw a United States Military helicopter.
Unidentified Witness 2: …when it occurred, he said that he saw a helicopter circle the building. He said that it appeared to be a US Military helicopter, and that it disappeared behind the building where the helicopter landing zone is. And that he then saw a fireball go into the sky.
TOM: [ditzy effeminate voice] Okay so like, he said this guy, like, told him his security guard friend like, totally heard Don Rumsfeld talking to this guy like, saying he heard this guy like—saw the helicopter!
Dylan: So who's telling the truth? Take this into consideration. April Gallop was working in the Pentagon's west side when it was hit. In Jim Marrs' book Inside Job, April claims…
MIKE: …That she saved a bunch of money on her car insurance by switching to GEICO!
Jim Marrs: "While in the hospital, men in suits visited her more than once. They never identified themselves or what agency they worked for…”
TOM: [as an MiB] “Department of Airplane Crashes, Division 6.”
Jim Marrs Cont’d: “They didn't tell her what to say, just made suggestions. For example, to take the compensation money and shut up. They also kept insisting that a plane hit the building...”
MIKE: What a devious thing to do, telling her the truth and all!
Jim Marrs Cont’d: “They repeated this over and over. But I was there, and I never saw a plane, or even debris from a plane. I figure this story is to brainwash people.”
CROW: I need my brain washed to scrub out all the stupid after this movie.
Dylan: So if a Boeing 757 didn't hit the Pentagon, then what did? Eyewitnesses inside and outside the building were thrown to the ground by what they described as a shockwave.
TOM: Because it’s a little known fact that crashing planes don’t cause shockwaves; they bounce!
‘At that instant, a tremendous explosion ... shook the room. Mr. Murphy ... was knocked entirely across the room, while [a coworker] was jolted into his office.’
-Peter M. Murphy, on the fourth floor of the E-Ring, above the helipad
MIKE: But then his Pointy Haired Boss just told him to get back to work.
"... the blast of the impact was so tremendous, that from his vantage point, it threw him backward over 100 feet slamming into a light pole causing him internal injuries."
-Master Sergeant Noel Sepulveda, 150 feet from the point of impact
CROW: But I’ll bet Dylan still cares more about the well being of the light pole than the victim.
"Then, about 5 seconds later, the whole hotel shook. I could feel it moving."
-Jeff Anlauf, on the 14th floor of the Sheraton Hotel
CROW: “And I didn’t even insert the quarter yet!”
Dylan: Even the Sheraton Hotel, 1.6 Miles away, was rocked by the blast. A number of military personnel at the Pentagon specifically mentioned smelling cordite.
TOM: So he who smelt it dealt it? Grow up, Dylan.
"Even before stepping outside I could smell the cordite. I knew explosives had been set off somewhere."
-Don Perkal, MSNBC
"We saw a huge black cloud of smoke, she said, saying it smelled like cordite, or gun smoke."
-Gilah Goldsmith, The Guardian
MIKE: Wow, two attorneys trained in the use of gun propellant? That line of work must be more exciting than I thought!
Dylan: Cordite and jet fuel have two very distinct smells. Cordite is a compound used in ammunition, which is comprised of nitroguanidine, nitrocellulose, and nitroglycerin. It is cool-burning, produces little smoke and no flash, but produces a strong detonation wave. And, eyewitnesses described a bright, silvery flash.
TOM: Sure, it’s not like there weren’t any other bright silvery things involved, like—the PLANE itself!
"There was a silvery flash, an explosion, and a dark, mushroom shaped cloud rose over the building."
-James S. Robbins, National Security Analyst & NRO Contributor
CROW: Aw man, Major Kong did it again!
Dylan: Jet fuel combustion, i.e. the planes that struck the Twin Towers, is bright yellow at best. Watch this.
[Footage of the Boeing 720 crash on a runway]
CROW: This is what they get for letting Maverick and Goose pilot a 720!
Dylan: A massive smoldering fireball, no silvery flash, no shockwave.
TOM: You know, I can feel the lack of a shockwave from here, just by watching the video.
Dylan: And at the Pentagon, a tiny bright silvery flash, which shakes nearby buildings.
CROW: Oh stop fantasizing Dylan, you WISH that tiny little things could shake nearby buildings!
Dylan: Whatever it was, it might have been related to the two planes that were in the air after the crash. The first one was uniformly identified as a C-130.
"Then the plane -- it looked like a C-130 cargo plane -- started turning away from the Pentagon."
-John O'Keefe
"The only large fixed wing aircraft to appear was a gray C-130, which appeared to be a Navy electronic warfare aircraft."
-Anonymous, from the Naval Annex
MIKE: [as the C-130H pilot] “I didn’t do it! I was just following the 757, I swear!”
CROW: “Yeah, yeah, tell it to the judge.”
Dylan: The second plane was an unmarked white plane flying over Washington DC.
CNN Footage Voiceover: Aaron, I'm standing in Lafayette Park directly across from the White House, perhaps about 200 yards from the White House residence itself about 10 minutes ago there was a white jet circling overhead.
TOM: There was a flock of pigeons that took flight a few minutes ago. I’ll bet they were somehow connected to the explosion at the Pentagon!
CNN Footage Voiceover Cont’d: Now you generally don't see planes in the area over the White House; that is restricted airspace. No reason to believe that this jet was there for any nefarious purposes, but the Secret Service was very concerned, pointing up at the jet in the sky. It is out of sight now, best we can tell.
CROW: [as a Secret Service agent] “Come on guys, this jet will never leave restricted airspace unless we all point at it as hard as we can!”
Dylan: At 9:25, Jane Garvey, the head of the FAA, initiated a national ground stop, which prevents further takeoffs and requires all planes in the air to land. The order, which hasn't been implemented since 1903…
TOM: Man, was President Teddy Roosevelt pissed when Orville and Wilbur crashed their plane into his beach house in Kitty Hawk!
Dylan Cont’d: …applied to almost every single kind of a plane: civilian, military, or law enforcement. Certain military flights were allowed to fly during this time, but the FAA isn't talking. Why were these two planes allowed in the air when everyone else had to land?
TOM: Oh, I dunno Dylan, maybe they were there to—DEFEND against further attack?!
MIKE: [as a fighter pilot] “Okay, so uh, we’ve finally gotten clearance to take off, and uh… Well now what do we do?”
Dylan: And finally, why did people keep reporting a second explosion at the Pentagon?
CROW: That’ll work. Say that there were TWO explosions, to make your version of the story TWICE as believable.
FOX News Footage Voiceover: Well, I can't tell you about that, but I was just here in front of the capital, which by the way has been evacuated, and back toward the Supreme Court area we just heard a low muffled thud. It sounded like a small explosion.
TOM: It might have had to do with the baked beans, broccoli, and burritos potluck they held the night before.
FOX News Footage Voiceover 2: There have been unconfirmed reports of second explosions here at the Pentagon, we have not confirmed that, but again…
Dylan: Where did this fireball come from?
CROW: Uh, it’s a little known fact, but buildings tend to catch fire when jet airliners crash into them.
Dylan: Seventh, surveillance cameras from a gas station, Sheraton Hotel, and the Virginia Department of Transportation captured the entire thing. However, the FBI was there within minutes to confiscate the tapes, including a warning for the employees not to discuss what they had seen.
TOM: What were they thinking? Doesn’t the FBI know you’re supposed to leave crime scene evidence lying around for a while?
Dylan: If the government wishes to prove once and for all that Flight 77 hit the Pentagon, all they would have to do is release one of those tapes.
MIKE: [as hostage negotiator] “Okay, please let go of the tape. We don’t want to hurt you and we want everyone to be able to walk away from this alive. Just put down the gun and let the tape go.”
Dylan: Instead, they released 5 frames from a camera across the heliport, even though none of them show a 757.
TOM: Wow, that grainy zoomed-in low framerate video sure convinced me there was no plane! Case closed!
Dylan: And finally, why do satellite photos taken 4 days before 9/11 show a white marking on the front lawn, marking almost the exact trajectory of whatever hit the Pentagon 4 days later?
MIKE: Damn it Rumsfeld! You should have known that your new 300-channel cable connection would have been the Pentagon’s undoing!
"The area …had blast-resistant windows, 2 inches thick and 2,500 pounds each, that stayed intact during the crash and fire."
-Los Angeles Times (09/16/01)
Dylan: And is it merely a coincidence that the Pentagon was hit in the only section that was renovated to withstand that very same kind of attack…
CROW: Oh yeah, barely a scratch on it!
Dylan Cont’d: …and that Donald Rumsfeld was safe in his office on the opposite end of the building?
MIKE: Well he DID try working in the middle of all that construction, but he just couldn’t seem to concentrate for some reason.
Dylan: If the government has nothing to hide, why are they so afraid to answer a few questions, or release a few videos?
TOM: Because deliberately perpetuating the no-plane myth plays right into the government’s hands, obviously.
MIKE: The government conspiracy—is a government conspiracy!
[Crow begins to get up and head for the exit, and Mike carries Tom out for the second break.]
[End of Part II]
Frozenwolf150
Formerly SilentKnight
- Joined
- Dec 10, 2007
- Messages
- 4,134
Part III - The World Trade Center
Without further delay, here's Part III. More than half the riffs were done by my co-writer, while I did the host segment and pics again.
~~~~~~~~
Part III – The World Trade Center
[Open to the Satellite of Love’s control room, where the mess of cards and poster paper has since been cleaned up. Crude party decorations of red, white, and blue have been arranged here and there, including a festive banner that reads “Happy Patriot Day.” The bots are wearing party hats and putting the finishing touches of decoration on a large cake fresh out of the oven.]
CROW: A little more black icing here—and that ought to do it.
[Mike enters stage right.]
MIKE: Whoa guys, what is all this? [Looks around] The National Day of Remembrance isn’t until September 11th of this year.
TOM: Oh Mike, don’t you have a single patriotic bone in your body? Around here, every day is Patriot Day!
GYPSY: [confused] Uh… It is?
CROW: So in the spirit of remembrance, we’ve baked a scale model cake of the Pentagon! [Cambot pans down to show the cake.] After all, according to Loose Change, the real Pentagon was made of none other than light fluffy cake batter baked to perfection!
TOM: The only problem was that we couldn’t get it to just the right consistency by following conventional recipes, so we had to tweak the proportions a little.
CROW: That reminds me, we’re out of baking powder, and I burned out the electric mixer on the whip setting. [Part of the cake sags a little, but the bots don’t seem to notice.]
TOM: [hands Mike a plate] Go ahead, you be the first to sample our culinary masterpiece.
MIKE: Okay, let me just… Uh guys, you forgot the utensils. Just how am I supposed to cut it?
CROW: Ah, I got it. [Crow takes out a plastic model 757, turns it sideways, and uses the wing to cut a slice for Mike.] Here you go!
MIKE: Crow! How could you? That’s not funny!
CROW: [innocently] What? According to Loose Change, airplane wings are easily capable of slicing right through the Pentagon, assuming there was even a plane that hit the Pentagon in the first place. So I figured, why not?
MIKE: No, I mean that could be seen as making fun of the victims of 9/11. I just don’t think that’s very appropriate!
TOM: Come on Mike, according to Loose Change, you’re not supposed to care about the victims. Victims are only secondary in importance to conjecture, speculation, hearsay, and selective observation that point to a conspiracy.
MIKE: Well yeah, I noticed that too. [Takes a bite of cake] But still I… [Loud crunching noise] OW!! What the? I just bit into something hard! [Spits out a sharp flat transparent object] What did you put in here?!
CROW: Oh that. We wanted to stay true to the Pentagon’s design, as Loose Change describes it, so we stuck little blast-resistant window panes all around the outside of the cake.
MIKE: I guess we could always pick these off beforehand. [Takes his fork and starts scraping off the panes from his slice] You know, this cake isn’t all that bad, but it tastes a little smoky. Did you burn something while you were baking it?
TOM: That’s probably just the cordite you taste. We wanted to make it as realistic as possible, so we stuck a few pieces of cordite in that side of the cake.
[The section of cake from where Mike took his slice promptly pops and begins to give off smoke, as tiny flames appear on its surface.]
MIKE: [spitting] All right, all right… [Picks pieces of cordite out of his mouth and sets down his plate] I’ll just cut a piece from the other side of the cake then. [Looks around] Hey Crow, what happened to that model plane you were using? I could have sworn it was here a second ago.
CROW: Plane? What plane? [Hides something behind his back] I don’t see any sign of a plane. There was no plane at the Pentagon, remember?
[The alarms flash.]
MIKE: Nevermind, we’ll have to finish this up later! MOVIE SIGN!
TOM & CROW: Movie Sign!
[Party hats are hastily discarded as plates full of cake are overturned. The gang runs around and parts to either side for the door sequence.]
7...
6...
5...
4...
3...
2...
1...
[Mike, Tom, and Crow reenter the theater.]
"There were explosions going off everywhere. I was convinced that there were bombs planted all over the place and someone was sitting at a control panel punching detonator buttons. There was another explosion.
...
And another.
...
I didn't know where to run."
-Teresa Veliz, working on the 47th floor of the North Tower when Flight 11 hit.
TOM: [as commentator] “And the lefts and the rights from Holyfield, but the detonator button still won’t go down!”
Dylan: 9:59. New York City, New York. The South Tower of the World Trade Center collapses to the ground in approximately 10 seconds. 29 minutes later the North Tower follows suit, collapsing in approximately 10 seconds.
MIKE: Wow, the government even stuck downward-facing rockets to the debris to pull the building down faster! They thought of everything!
Dylan: Later that evening at 5:20, World Trade Center 7, a 47-story office building 300 feet away from the North Tower, suddenly collapses. The building's tenants included the CIA, Department of Defense, IRS, Secret Service, and Rudy Giuliani's emergency bunker. And the S.E.C. was using it to store 3 to 4 thousand files related to numerous Wall Street investigations.
CROW: Next time they should just commit all their investigations to memory so it doesn’t look suspicious.
Dylan: Although every single building surrounding Building 7 stood intact, it fell straight down, into a convenient little pile, in 6 seconds.
TOM: “The convenient little 12-story high pile also conveniently spread into neighboring streets and rooftops.”
Dylan: Official explanation? Falling debris from the Twin Towers created an internal fire, which ignited several fuel tanks inside the building.
MIKE: “But since the government is a bunch of liars, showing videos of the fire is out of the question!”
Dylan: If this is true, then it would be the third building in history to collapse because of a fire. The first two would be the Twin Towers.
TOM: Because it’s not like they use fire to make the steel itself. They just mine those beams fully formed right out of the ground.
Dylan: On July 28th, 1945, a B-52 [B-25] bomber lost in the fog crashed into the 79th floor of the Empire State Building. 14 people dead, 1 million dollars in damage. But, the building stands intact to this day.
MIKE: Also, you can’t die from being hit by a car! I once had a little Hot Wheels car hit my foot, and I barely felt it!
Dylan: On February 14th, 1975, a three alarm fire broke out between the 9th and 14th floors in the North Tower. According to the New York Times, the fire leads to intense scrutiny of the towers, and eventually to a decision to install sprinklers.
CROW: Hey Mike, that reminds me, I replaced all our fire extinguishers with plant spritzers. That should be enough, right?
Dylan: On May 4th, 1988, a 62 story skyscraper in Los Angeles burned for 3 hours and spread over 4 floors. It did not collapse. On February 23rd, 1991, a 38 story skyscraper in Philadelphia, built in 1973, burned for more than 19 hours and spread over 8 floors. It did not collapse. On October 17th, 2004, a 56 story skyscraper in Venezuela, built in 1976, burned for over 17 hours and spread over 26 floors, eventually reaching the roof. Guess what? It did not collapse.
TOM: But because fire departments are always in on the conspiracy, it’s a good thing they let those buildings burn just to see what would happen.
Dylan: On February 12th, 2005, the Windsor Building in Madrid, a 32 story tower framed in steel reinforced concrete, burned for almost 24 hours, completely eradicating the upper 10 stories of the building. Although the top 10 floors of the building fell, the building itself did not collapse.
MIKE: The terrorists who were supposed to crash a 767 into it at 550 miles per hour were running a day behind schedule.
Dylan: And yet on September 11th, 2001, two 110 story skyscrapers, completed in 1973, burned for 56 minutes and 103 minutes respectively, over 4 floors, before collapsing completely to the ground.
TOM: No oranges for Dylan. He compares apples to coconuts!
Dylan: One might argue that this was due to the construction of the World Trade Center. Let's look at what was inside those buildings.
CROW: So the towers absorbed the force of 767s crashing into them at 500 mph and didn’t collapse right away. Man, talk about shoddy design, Dylan!
Dylan: The Twin Towers were composed of 200,000 tons of steel, 425,000 cubic yards of concrete, 103 elevators, 43,600 windows, 60,000 tons of cooling equipment…
TOM: [singing] Five golden riiiings!
Dylan Cont’d: …and a 360-foot television antenna. The core of each tower was 87 by 133 feet, comprised of 47 box columns 36 by 16 inches thick.
CROW: Which were hollow, much like a truther’s head!
Dylan Cont’d: The North Tower was completed in 1970 standing at 1368 feet tall and the South Tower was completed in 1973 clocking in at 1362 feet tall, making them the tallest buildings in the world until the Sears Tower was completed in 1974.
MIKE: So the bigger and heavier something is, the less likely it is to fall when it’s structurally undermined? Makes sense!
Dylan: And to think, the government would have us believe that these massive structures were destroyed by 10,000 gallons of jet fuel.
TOM: Yes Dylan, now can you tell me just HOW all that jet fuel got inside the towers in the first place?
Dylan: However, eyewitnesses, video footage, and a little common sense quickly refutes that claim.
CROW: Unfortunately, Dylan seem to have a poor grasps of what common sense, basic physics, and elementary grammar is.
Dylan: The second plane hits the South Tower between the 78th and 82nd floors at 9:03 AM, barely hitting the southeast corner, the majority of the jet fuel exploding outside in a massive fireball.
MIKE: Careful Dylan, you barely got your facts completely wrong there.
Dylan: Yet, this Tower collapses first, even though the North Tower was hit straight on, and had already been burning for 18 minutes longer.
TOM: [as Mohammed Atta] “No fair, Marwan cheated by hitting his tower lower than I did! No wonder he got rewarded with more white raisins… Wait—white raisins?!”
Dylan: Galileo's Law of Falling Bodies calculates the time in which an object will travel a certain distance in complete freefall. Distance, D, equals 16.08 times Time in seconds squared.
ALL: [singing] (Galileo.) Galileo. (Galileo.) Galileo, Galileo figaro, Magnifico!
DISTANCE = 16.08 X SECONDS SQUARED
Dylan: The South Tower was 1362 feet tall. 1362 equals 16.08 times 84.7. Or, 9.2 seconds. [Footage of South Tower's destruction with timer overlay] The Twin Towers came down in nearly freefall speed.
TOM: That’s nice, Dylan. Now why don’t you show us what was happening in the two seconds before your video starts?
Dylan: 200,000 tons of steel shatters into sections no longer than a couple feet long.
CROW: [as infomercial announcer] “Introducing new, more compact building debris! Makes cleaning up your inside-job controlled demolitions a snap!”
Dylan: 425,000 cubic yards of concrete is pulverized into dust.
TOM: And it’s a good thing it all turned to dust too, otherwise you would have had huge freaking chunks of concrete raining down on the streets below.
Dylan: Thousands of lives are extinguished instantly.
MIKE: Minus the fake passengers on the jets, minus the fake hijackers, minus the firefighters and federal employees who were in on it… That leaves—how many, Dylan?
Dylan: So what brought down the World Trade Center? Let's ask the experts. Van Romero, Vice President for Research at New Mexico Institute of Mining and Technology.
CROW: [ominously] “They’re coming to GET you Dylan…”
MIKE: No, no, wrong Romero.
Van Romero: “My opinion is, based on the videotapes, after the airplanes hit the World Trade Center, there were some explosive devices inside that caused the towers to collapse. The collapses were too methodical to be a chance result of airplanes colliding with the structures.”
TOM: Now ye’ve done it. Ye’ve uttered the magic words! The flood of truther e-mails shall haunt ye until the day ye die!
Dylan: Ten days later:
Van Romero: “Certainly the fire is what caused the building to fail.”
Dylan: Why would Romero change his mind so suddenly?
MIKE: The nerve of him, making an intellectually honest retraction after looking up the facts!
Dylan: Hyman Brown. Civil Engineering Professor and the World Trade Center's construction manager.
Hyman Brown: “It was over-designed to withstand almost anything including hurricanes, high winds, bombings and an airplane hitting it…”
CROW: Godzilla vs. Megalon…
Hyman Brown cont’d: “... Although the buildings were designed to withstand a 150-year storm and the impact of a Boeing 707, jet fuel burning at 2,000 degrees Fahrenheit weakened the steel.”
TOM: Meh, a 707 traveling at approach speed, a 767 barreling in at 500 miles per hour, what’s the difference?
Dylan: Kevin Ryan. Underwriters Laboratories, the company that certified the steel that was used in the World Trade Center, In a letter to Frank Gayle of the National Institute of Standards and Technology:
MIKE: But Kevin Ryan tested water—so if steel is really made of water, then why do I still get stomach cramps after drinking a glass of steel tacks?
Kevin Ryan: “We know that the steel components were certified to ASTM E119. The time temperature curves for this standard require the samples to be exposed to temperatures around 2000F for several hours. And as we all agree, the steel applied met those specifications…”
CROW: I’m sorry, “BDSM E119”?
MIKE: No, no.
Kevin Ryan Cont’d: “…Additionally, I think we can all agree that even un-fireproofed steel will not melt until reaching red-hot temperatures of nearly 3000F. Why Dr. Brown would imply that 2000F would melt the high-grade steel used in those buildings makes no sense at all…”
TOM: [as Dr. Emmett Brown] “Jumping Gigawatts! It’s a conspiracy! Get into the time machine Marty, we’ve got a pair of towers to save!”
Kevin Ryan Cont’d: “…This story just does not add up. If steel from those buildings did soften or melt, I'm sure we can all agree that this was certainly not due to jet fuel fires of any kind, let alone the briefly burning fires in those towers.”
CROW: [as Kevin Ryan] “Steel at higher temperatures may bend, but it NEVER melts or turns to dust. Never. No, not ever.”
Dylan: Ryan's statements directly contradict statements from so-called "experts", which claim that 2000 degree heat inside the WTC caused the towers to collapse.
CROW: You’re all wrong! The real temperature of the fires was OVER NINE THOUSAAAAAANNND!!!
Dylan: Days after writing this letter, Kevin Ryan was fired from his position. Not even the experts agree with each other.
TOM: Or at least the experts wouldn’t agree with each other if Kevin Ryan were one of them.
Dylan: So what else could have caused the Twin Towers and Building 7 to collapse?
MIKE: The theory of Intelligent Falling?
Peter Jennings: 10 o'clock Eastern time this morning just collapsing on itself.
Reporter: The second building that was hit by the plane has just completely collapsed.
Peter Jennings: We have no idea what caused this.
CNN Anchor: Almost looks like one of those planned implosions.
Channel 8 Voiceover: As if a demolition team set off, when you see the whole demolitions of whole buildings. It folded down on itself and it was not there anymore.
TOM: Yeah, it looks exactly like those controlled demolitions where they fly a plane into it, start a huge raging fire, blow up random floors, and scatter debris over multiple city blocks!
Peter Jennings: If you wish to bring anybody who's ever watched a building being demolished on purpose knows, that if you're going to do this, you have to get at the under infrastructure of a building and bring it down.
CROW: Hmm, electrical shorts, transformers, switchgear, generators, steam pipes, falling debris, failing support structures… NAH. It must have been bombs!
Female Witness: We heard another explosion and I'm assuming that's the one that came from the lower level. Since there were two...
Unidentified Male Voiceover: They were 18 minutes apart.
Female Witness: Well... this is, no the first, the first explosion and there was the second explosion in the same building. There were 2 explosions.
MIKE: [as the Male Witness] “Sorry, that was just my opening a can of Pringles. Didn’t mean to scare you.”
WCBS 2 Voiceover: Federal Agencies that were down there do believe that there was some sort of explosive device, somewhere else besides the planes hitting.
NBC's Pat Dawson is close to the scene of that attack, Pat?
TOM: Is there no information sharing in this conspiracy? Way to expose your own plan, feds!
Pat Dawson: Just moments ago I spoke to the Chief of Safety for the New York City Fire Department, the chief Albert Turi, he received word of the possibility of a secondary device, that is another bomb going off…
MIKE: So there was just ONE extra bomb? Oh Dylan and his exaggerations.
Pat Dawson Cont’d: …He tried to get his men out as quickly as he could, but he said that there was another explosion which took place and then, an hour after the first hit here, the first crash that took place, he said there was another explosion that took place in one of the Towers here. He thinks that there were actually devices that were planted in the building. The second device, he thinks, he speculates, was probably planted in the building.
CROW: Speculation, huh? Well that’s a KIND of proof, isn’t it Dylan?
Unnamed Reporter: There were two or three similar huge explosions and the building literally shook, it literally shook at the base of this building.
CROW: “I mean literally, this explosion literally shook the building in the literalist literal fashion, literally!”
NBC Reporter: First one and then the other, some say after secondary explosions.
TOM: Those poor tertiary explosions never get any attention.
Male Witness: A big explosion happened, all of a sudden the elevator blew up, smoke, I dragged the guy out, his skin was hanging off, and I dragged him out and I helped him to the ambulance.
TOM: Sure Dylan, use accounts from the people who were still traumatized and trying to save lives, in order to sell your crackpot theory!
Male Witness: We started coming down the stairs from the eighth floor. Big explosion. Blew us back into the eighth floor.
MIKE: “Those explosives definitely weren’t ISO 9000 certified!”
Male Witness: Just came out of the tunnel, and it blew.
Interviewer: The subway tunnel?
Male Witness: Yeah.
CROW: Eh, that one’s too easy.
Reporter: So, tell us what's happening out there.
Unidentified Witness: We just witnessed some kind of secondary, follow up explosion on the World Trade Center number 2.
Reporter: Secondary.
TOM: [as witness] “I’d say we’re all in deep number 2!”
Unnamed Reporter: We understand now there has been a secondary explosion on Tower 2.
Harold Dow: There was another major explosion. The building itself, literally the top of it came down sending smoke and debris everywhere.
MIKE: “And usually buildings are so QUIET when they come crashing down!”
FOX News Reporter: We are five blocks from the World Trade Center. And, and we were standing here, when, when there was some sort of collapse, or explosion.
Do you know if it was an explosion, or if it was a building collapse?
Police Officer: To me it sounded like, to me it sounded like an explosion...
CROW: “…of lemony goodness!”
MIKE: Crow!?
CROW: What? Dylan’s twisting these out of context, so why can’t I?
Male Witness: At the moment we heard a big explosion coming down. Everything it went black. Everything came down, glass started popping, people got hurt, stuff went on top of them, and there was a big explosion, and everything got dark. Real dark like smoke.
TOM: Come on! Dylan doesn’t care about the part where people got hurt! He just wanted to hear you say the word, “explosion”!
FOX News Reporter: The FBI is here as you can see, they had roped this area off, they were taking photographs and securing this area, just prior to that huge explosion that we all heard and felt.
TOM: [as reporter] “And if we’d seen the explosion ourselves, I’m sure we’d avert some crazy theories by guys in tinfoil hats!”
Female Police Officer: Get out of the area. The second Tower is coming down.
NBC Reporter: Did they tell you the second Tower is coming down?
Female Police Officer: Yes, it's about to collapse.
TOM: [as officer] “I heard it from some creepy guys in black suits, but they told me to remember that I didn’t hear it from them.”
Female Reporter: At 10:30 I tried to leave the building. As soon as I got outside I heard a second explosion. And another rumble…
TOM: “Let’s get ready to RUMBLLLLLLE!!”
Female Reporter Cont’d: …and more smoke, and more dust. I ran inside the building, the chandelier shook and again black smoke filled the air. Within another 5 minutes we were covered again with more silt and more dust. And then a Fire Marshall came in and said we had to leave, because if there was a third explosion this building might not last.
MIKE: “Oh no, the building is shaking! I need to get to a safe place! I know, I’ll hide inside this nearby building…”
FOX NEWS Reporter: We just saw that as well, the second Tower, the only one that was standing, Tower number one just ah we saw some kind of explosion a lot of smoke come out of the top of the Tower, and then it collapsed down onto the streets below.
CROW: In truther world, buildings fall UP!
Reporter: David Lee, what can you tell us?
David Lee: John, just seconds ago there was a huge explosion and it appears right now the second World Trade Tower has just collapsed.
TOM: [as David Lee] “Also, there is a huge dust cloud heading our way, and furthermore, people are panicking. But here’s the clincher—everyone is running! Can you believe that? Running!”
Dylan: One eyewitness was standing among a crowd of people on Church Street, two and a half blocks from the South Tower, when he saw a number of brief light sources being emitted from inside the building between floors 10 and 15. He saw about six of these flashes, accompanied by a crackling sound before the Tower collapsed.
MIKE: Man, controlled demolition conspirators have gotten so lazy these days. I mean, it took, what, nearly an hour for the bombs to detonate after those imaginary planes flew into the buildings?
Dylan: Ginny Carr was attending a business meeting on the 36th floor of One Liberty Plaza, across the street from the World Trade Center, and caught the entire first attack on tape. A second explosion can be heard nine seconds after the crash.
[Soundwave display]
Male Voice on Tape: ...sounded like some crash.
CROW: Oh come on, everyone knows the second explosion came from the grassy knoll!
Dylan: So, what happened in the North Tower? Ask Willie Rodriguez. Willie, a janitor who worked in the World Trade Center for 20 years, was in sub-level 1 when the North Tower was hit.
TOM: Boy, was HE working overtime the next day!
Willie Rodriguez: And all of a sudden we heard boom!! And I thought it was a generator that blew up in the basement. And I said to myself: Oh my God, I think that's the generator.
MIKE: [as Willie Rodriguez] “Aw maaaan, I’ll bet they make me clean this one up too!”
Willie Rodriguez: And I was going to verbalize it, and when I finished saying that in my mind, I hear boom! Right on the top. Pretty far away. So, it was a difference between coming from the basement and coming from the top.
TOM: Come on, the sound tried to get to the basement as fast as it could, but the elevators were out of order!
Willie Rodriguez: And that’s… everybody started screaming. And a person comes running into the office saying: Explosion, explosion, explosion! He had his hands extended. And all the skin was falling from under his arm. All the way to the top of the fingertips, and it was hanging from both arms. Hanging and hanging. And then I looked at his face and he was missing parts of his face.
CROW: But Dylan doesn’t care about the plight of victims like him, he just wants to hear you say, “Explosion,” again!
Willie Rodriguez: And I said: What happened? What happened? And he said: The elevators, the elevators. And then... When I..., there were many explosions, and when I actually talked about those explosions, they said that: Well, there were so many kitchens in the building. They have probably those gas canisters. And I say: I don't believe that, because the building was a class A building. They have very strict guidelines of what you can put in a kitchen. And I really doubt it was gas.
TOM: Of course, there was all that jet fuel that got airmailed to the upper floors. It’s not like THAT could’ve caused those explosions.
Willie Rodriguez: So, there was a lot of misconceptions of what happened on that day in terms of the explosions. Up to today, I haven't received an actual explanation about the different explosions that I heard on the upper floors. And on the way to the top.
MIKE: That’s great Dylan, now how about a witness who wasn’t working a thousand feet below where the plane hit?
Dylan: The windows in the lobby of the North Tower were blown out, and marble panels were blown off of the walls. This was brushed off as damage from a raging fireball that went barreling down the elevator shafts. However, the World Trade Center's core and elevator shafts were hermetically sealed, AKA, air-tight. The fire could not possibly have had enough oxygen to travel 1,300 feet down, retaining enough energy to destroy the bottom 8 floors of the building.
MIKE: “100th floor please. Hey Bob, nice day, huh? Whoa, getting dizzy. [Wheezes] Can’t breathe… [Coughing] I wish these elevators [pant] weren’t sealed up—airtight!”
Dylan: On 9-11, New York City lost 343 firefighters at the World Trade Center. Since they were the ones inside the Towers before and as they collapsed, I'd say they've got a pretty good grasp on what happened.
CROW: Especially how they were going to be sacrificed to advance the Orwellian oppression of the American masses, all according to plan.
Dylan: So, what does the FDNY think? First, we have this interview from the Naudet brothers' documentary.
Firefighter 1: …What do we do? We made it outside, we made it about a block?
Firefighter 2: We made it at least 2 blocks and we started running... Boom-boom-boom-boom. Floor by floor it started popping out.
Firefighter 1: It was like, as if they had detonated?
CROW: Because similes always count as hard evidence in a court of law.
Firefighter 2: Yeah, detonated.
Firefighter 1: Take out the building. Boom-boom-boom-boom.
Firefighter 2: …All the way down, I was watching it and running. And then you just saw this cloud of s*** chasing you down. Couldn’t outrun it.
Dylan: In these interviews, numerous members of Engine 7 describe explosions preceding the collapses, not to mention the damage to the lobby of the North Tower.
TOM: Those fools, blowing up the north lobby prematurely! They’re going to expose the whole plan!
Unidentified Firefighter 1: I heard a loud boom. And my first… I was, I was right at the desk there on the lefthand side when you come into Tower one. And I walked out, you know I didn't go out I walked to where all the doorway, where the glass was broken, and I looked out and I seen in the building across the street. I seen the shadow coming like the, I seen the shadow on a building across the street coming down.
MIKE: The attacks were pulled off with such silent precision that no one suspected a thing until the bomb explosions tipped off the firefighters!
Unidentified Firefighter 2: I wasn't expecting to see the damage that I saw in the lobby. And, and the people, the bodies, the burnt people, the injured people, I really wasn't prepared for that.
CROW: Don’t worry, Loose Change has already started a fund to help all the building lobbies that were damaged in these attacks. As for the people—meh.
Unidentified Firefighter 3: The lobby was about six stories high and the lobby looked as though a bomb had exploded there. It's a… all the glass was taken out, there were 10 foot by 10 foot, a marble panels that were once walls that were loose from the wall of the Trade Center.
TOM: [as Paul Reuben] “He said BOMB! That’s the secret word! AAAHHH!!” [Mike and Crow join in] “AaaaAAHHHAAAaaa!!!”
Unidentified Firefighter 4: I went around by the freight elevator and I could see it was just blown.
30th floor. We hear another… explosion. And at that time we heard a huge explosion.
MIKE: Just great! All this jet fuel got all over the carefully planted bombs we had in the elevator shafts!
Dylan: Firefighter Louie Cacchioli told People Weekly:
Louie Cacchioli: “I was taking firefighters up in the elevator to the 24th floor to get in position to evacuate workers. On the last trip up a bomb went off. We think there were bombs set in the building.”
MIKE: Poor Cacchioli, always getting misquoted. I hear back when he used to work at that diner, his customers always seemed to order the Super Salad.
Dylan: For more than a year, the Port Authority blocked the release of a tape of firefighters' transmissions from the World Trade Center on 9-11. In November 2002, the tape was finally released to the New York Times and other news outlets. Why did it take so long to get the tape released?
TOM: “Okay, we’ve got to get this crime scene evidence down to the lab. But first, standard procedure dictates that we immediately distribute it to all major news outlets!”
[The tape recording plays.]
“I got, uh, an eyewitness who said there was an explosion on floors 7 and 8, 7, 8.”
“Battalion 3 to Dispatch, we've just had another explosion.”
“…Warren Street, because of the secondary explosion. We've got numerous people covered with dust from the secondary explosion.”
”We got another explosion on the Tower, 10-13, 10-13.”
”Tower 2 has had a major explosion and what appears to be a complete collapse surrounding the entire area.”
”I was involved in the secondary, uh, explosion at Tower 1, Kay…“
CROW: [as firefighter] “Will continue to use the word ‘explosion’ until Dylan, Jason, and Korey have ejaculated, over…”
Dylan: Chief Palmer had reached the fire on the 78th floor of the South Tower and devised a plan to put it out. 9:52 a.m., 13 minutes before collapse.
CROW: Sadly, MacGuyver could not make it out in time.
Recording of Chief Palmer: “…Ladder 15, we've got two isolated pockets of fire. We should be able to knock it down with two lines. Radio that, 78th floor numerous 10-45 Code Ones.”
MIKE: What do I keep saying? Dylan doesn’t want to be bothered hearing about casualties!
Dylan: If the 78th floor was a raging inferno like the government would have us believe, then Palmer wouldn't have gotten as far as he did and certainly wouldn't be able to put it out.
TOM: [mockingly] Convection Shmonvection!
Dylan: On August 12th, 2005 an additional 15 hours of radio transmissions and transcripts of interviews with firefighters was finally released to the public. Firefighters describe two events consistent with the controlled demolition: bright flashes from inside the building…
CROW: The inside of the building was subsequently arrested for indecent exposure.
"I saw low-level flashes. [Lieutenant Evangelista] asked me if I saw low-level flashes in front of the building, and I agreed with him because I saw a flash, flash, flash, and then it looked like the building came down."
"You know like when they demolish a building, how when they blow up a building, when it falls down? That's what I thought I saw."
--Stephen Gregory, Commissioner of the Bureau of Communications
MIKE: I’ll bet every time Dylan hears a car exhaust backfire, he instinctively clutches his chest as if he’s been shot.
[Footage of controlled demolitions]
Dylan: And a number of crackling sounds before the buildings collapsed…
"Somewhere around the middle of the WTC there was this orange and red flash… Initially it was just one then [it] just kept popping all the way around the building and [it] started to explode."
"As far as I could see, these popping sounds and the explosions were getting bigger, going both up and down and then all around the building."
--Captain Karin deShore, Batallion 46
CROW: So it definitely wasn’t electrical cables and boxes? But then again, Dylan would know all about blown fuses.
[Footage of the Kingdome demolition]
Dylan: What does science have to say about the collapses?
[A shot of the American Free Press headline reading “Seismic Data Refutes Official Explanation” is shown.]
TOM: [as Chris Bollyn, with German accent] “Sieg Heil!! Uh I mean, nuzink to see here!”
Dylan: The collapse of the World Trade Center was picked up by Columbia University's observatory in Palisades, New York.
MIKE: [as Won-Young Kim] “Uh-uh, sorry. I am NOT picking this mess up.”
Dylan: The South Tower registers at 2.1 earthquake. The North Tower registers at 2.3 earthquake. Won-Young Kim told Chris Bollyn that their seismographs pick up underground explosions from a quarry 20 miles away.
TOM: Chris Bollyn immediately blamed the government for blowing up the quarry to give them a mandate to invade Iraq!
Dylan: These blasts are caused by 80,000 pounds of ammonium nitrate and cause local earthquakes between magnitude one and two.
CROW: [as Bank of America employee] “Ugh, my plants aren’t doing so well. I’d better dig out some of the wall.”
Dylan: The 1993 bombing of the World Trade Center did not even register, because it was not coupled to the ground.
CROW: Pfft, the WTC and the ground will always be my one true pairing!
Dylan: During the collapse, most of the energy of the falling debris was absorbed by the Towers and the neighboring structures converting them into rubble and dust or causing other damage but not causing significant ground shaking.
MIKE: Dustism sure has become a popular religion among the concrete population.
Dylan: Mark Loizeaux, the president of Controlled Demolition, Inc. told the American Free Press…
TOM: “Sieg Heil!!”
Dylan Cont’d: …that in the basements of the WTC where 47 central support columns connected to the bedrock, hot spots of "literally molten steel" were discovered more than a month after September 11th.
CROW: Eh, they were going to say “aluminum” but it didn’t sound as intimidating.
Dylan: These incredibly hot areas were found at the bottoms of the elevator shafts down 7 basement levels.
CROW: [husky voice] Oh yeah, things always get incredibly hot whenever shafts and bottoms come together.
MIKE: Crow! Mind out of gutter, now!
Dylan: The molten steel was found "three, four, and five weeks later, when the rubble was being removed." He said that molten steel was also found at World Trade Center 7. The highest temperature was in the east corner of the South Tower, where a temperature of 1377 degrees Fahrenheit was recorded.
TOM: Guess Dylan’s never heard of aluminum. The only foil he ever buys is tin for making hats!
Dylan: The molten steel in the basement was more than double that temperature. Do you still think that jet fuel brought down the World Trade Center?
MIKE: You tell ‘em, Dylan! All that paper and the wood and plastic furnishings could never have caught fire!
Dylan: In all the videos of the collapses, explosions can be seen bursting from the buildings 20 to 30 stories below the demolition wave.
TOM: Yeah, everyone knows that those windows were designed to be blast proof, fireproof, and several hundred million pounds of building crashing down-proof.
[A video is shown, pointing out the squib explosions.]
Dylan: Here. [Cue the squib music.] Here. Here. Here. Here. And here.
TOM: Good to know that all those failed Hogwarts wizards could find employment somewhere, but did they have to break random windows on the way out?
Dylan: Etienne Sauret was filming her documentary, World Trade Center: The First 24 Hours, and caught both collapses on tape.
CROW: Aha! The documentary was entitled “The First 24 Hours” which means… [Gasp] Etienne Sauret was in on the conspiracy!!
Dylan: Watch carefully. [The video is shown, during which the screen shakes.] The tripod shakes 12 seconds before the North Tower begins collapsing.
MIKE: Good thing she was using one of those old camcorders without Digital Image Stabilization; otherwise we might have missed the explosive tremor completely!
Dylan: And something is knocked off the right hand side of the building.
CROW: They went with those low-bid explosive charges that take 12 seconds to actually work.
Dylan: You're probably asking, if there were bombs in the building, how would they get in there without anyone noticing? Ben Fountain, a financial analyst who worked in the World Trade Center, told People Magazine that in the weeks before 9-11, there were a number of unannounced and unusual drills where sections of both the Twin Towers and building 7 were evacuated for “security reasons.”
TOM: [as demo worker] “What? No, this isn’t C4. It’s, uh, Play-Doh! Yeah. With wires and detonators sticking out of it…”
Dylan: Daria Coard, a guard in the North Tower, told Newsday that security detail was working 12-hour shifts for two weeks before 9-11, but on Thursday the 6th, bomb-sniffing dogs were abruptly removed from the building.
MIKE: [as demo worker] “Come on, I know we might still get a 5-day work week, but I don’t wanna work on weekends!”
Dylan: So who authorized all this? President Bush's brother, Marvin, was Board of Directors at Securacom from 1993 until fiscal year 2000.
MIKE: [as Marvin Bush] “Now guys, I’m retiring, so try not to get involved in any conspiracies while I’m gone, m’kay?”
Dylan: Securacom, now known as Stratesec, is an electronic security company backed by Kuwait-American Corporation, which provided security for United Airlines, Dulles International Airport, and from the early 1990s up to the day of 9-11, the World Trade Center. Marvin is also the former director of HCC Insurance Holdings, which insured parts of the World Trade Center on 9/11.
CROW: [as Marvin Bush] “What a brilliant scam! After we blow up the building, we’ll have to pay out the $2.4 million to cover the insurance!”
Dylan: More information on this was supposed to be disclosed and never was. To date the SEC has not revealed what they have learned.
TOM: Y’know, we could invent a drinking game for every time Loose Change makes a blank assertion, but that wouldn’t be fair to everyone who comes down with alcohol poisoning.
Dylan: If only we could examine the debris from the World Trade Center and figure out what happened. Unfortunately, Mayor Giuliani began shipping the remains off to recycling yards overseas before investigators could even examine it. Not even FEMA was allowed into Ground Zero. Essentially, they blocked off a crime scene and destroyed all the evidence.
MIKE: At this point Dylan had to replace his computer monitor, after the end of his foot-long nose smashed the screen of his last one.
Dylan: Guess who was allowed into the site?
TOM: Alan Jackson?
Dylan: Controlled Demolition, who was also responsible for cleaning up after the Oklahoma City Bombing in 1995.
CROW: Unfortunately for their contract, the buildings had already been demolished, so there wasn’t much else for them to do but clean up the mess.
Dylan: It gets better than that. On July 15th, 2001. Controlled Demolition destroyed two 400-foot-tall fuel reserve tanks from the World War II era. The demolition was conducted for no apparent reason, and drew numerous complains from the neighborhood. The site remains vacant to this day and a reason for the demolition has never been disclosed.
CROW: Rusty unused tanks, more than half a century old, owners wanted to remove them, extensive public hearings process… Yeah, obviously part of a conspiracy!
Dylan: Regardless, I think what happened to the World Trade Center is simple enough. It was brought down in a carefully planned controlled demolition. It was a psychological attack on the American People, and it was pulled off with military precision.
MIKE: Yeah, by the same government that did such a good job covering up the Tuskegee experiments, Watergate, the Tonkin Gulf incident, the Lewinsky scandal, the NSA wiretaps, the abuse at Gitmo and Abu Gharib… [Trails off as we cut to a commercial bumper]
[End of Part III]
Without further delay, here's Part III. More than half the riffs were done by my co-writer, while I did the host segment and pics again.
~~~~~~~~
Part III – The World Trade Center
[Open to the Satellite of Love’s control room, where the mess of cards and poster paper has since been cleaned up. Crude party decorations of red, white, and blue have been arranged here and there, including a festive banner that reads “Happy Patriot Day.” The bots are wearing party hats and putting the finishing touches of decoration on a large cake fresh out of the oven.]
CROW: A little more black icing here—and that ought to do it.
[Mike enters stage right.]
MIKE: Whoa guys, what is all this? [Looks around] The National Day of Remembrance isn’t until September 11th of this year.
TOM: Oh Mike, don’t you have a single patriotic bone in your body? Around here, every day is Patriot Day!
GYPSY: [confused] Uh… It is?
CROW: So in the spirit of remembrance, we’ve baked a scale model cake of the Pentagon! [Cambot pans down to show the cake.] After all, according to Loose Change, the real Pentagon was made of none other than light fluffy cake batter baked to perfection!
TOM: The only problem was that we couldn’t get it to just the right consistency by following conventional recipes, so we had to tweak the proportions a little.
CROW: That reminds me, we’re out of baking powder, and I burned out the electric mixer on the whip setting. [Part of the cake sags a little, but the bots don’t seem to notice.]
TOM: [hands Mike a plate] Go ahead, you be the first to sample our culinary masterpiece.
MIKE: Okay, let me just… Uh guys, you forgot the utensils. Just how am I supposed to cut it?
CROW: Ah, I got it. [Crow takes out a plastic model 757, turns it sideways, and uses the wing to cut a slice for Mike.] Here you go!
MIKE: Crow! How could you? That’s not funny!
CROW: [innocently] What? According to Loose Change, airplane wings are easily capable of slicing right through the Pentagon, assuming there was even a plane that hit the Pentagon in the first place. So I figured, why not?
MIKE: No, I mean that could be seen as making fun of the victims of 9/11. I just don’t think that’s very appropriate!
TOM: Come on Mike, according to Loose Change, you’re not supposed to care about the victims. Victims are only secondary in importance to conjecture, speculation, hearsay, and selective observation that point to a conspiracy.
MIKE: Well yeah, I noticed that too. [Takes a bite of cake] But still I… [Loud crunching noise] OW!! What the? I just bit into something hard! [Spits out a sharp flat transparent object] What did you put in here?!
CROW: Oh that. We wanted to stay true to the Pentagon’s design, as Loose Change describes it, so we stuck little blast-resistant window panes all around the outside of the cake.
MIKE: I guess we could always pick these off beforehand. [Takes his fork and starts scraping off the panes from his slice] You know, this cake isn’t all that bad, but it tastes a little smoky. Did you burn something while you were baking it?
TOM: That’s probably just the cordite you taste. We wanted to make it as realistic as possible, so we stuck a few pieces of cordite in that side of the cake.
[The section of cake from where Mike took his slice promptly pops and begins to give off smoke, as tiny flames appear on its surface.]
MIKE: [spitting] All right, all right… [Picks pieces of cordite out of his mouth and sets down his plate] I’ll just cut a piece from the other side of the cake then. [Looks around] Hey Crow, what happened to that model plane you were using? I could have sworn it was here a second ago.
CROW: Plane? What plane? [Hides something behind his back] I don’t see any sign of a plane. There was no plane at the Pentagon, remember?
[The alarms flash.]
MIKE: Nevermind, we’ll have to finish this up later! MOVIE SIGN!
TOM & CROW: Movie Sign!
[Party hats are hastily discarded as plates full of cake are overturned. The gang runs around and parts to either side for the door sequence.]
7...
6...
5...
4...
3...
2...
1...
[Mike, Tom, and Crow reenter the theater.]
"There were explosions going off everywhere. I was convinced that there were bombs planted all over the place and someone was sitting at a control panel punching detonator buttons. There was another explosion.
...
And another.
...
I didn't know where to run."
-Teresa Veliz, working on the 47th floor of the North Tower when Flight 11 hit.
TOM: [as commentator] “And the lefts and the rights from Holyfield, but the detonator button still won’t go down!”
Dylan: 9:59. New York City, New York. The South Tower of the World Trade Center collapses to the ground in approximately 10 seconds. 29 minutes later the North Tower follows suit, collapsing in approximately 10 seconds.
MIKE: Wow, the government even stuck downward-facing rockets to the debris to pull the building down faster! They thought of everything!
Dylan: Later that evening at 5:20, World Trade Center 7, a 47-story office building 300 feet away from the North Tower, suddenly collapses. The building's tenants included the CIA, Department of Defense, IRS, Secret Service, and Rudy Giuliani's emergency bunker. And the S.E.C. was using it to store 3 to 4 thousand files related to numerous Wall Street investigations.
CROW: Next time they should just commit all their investigations to memory so it doesn’t look suspicious.
Dylan: Although every single building surrounding Building 7 stood intact, it fell straight down, into a convenient little pile, in 6 seconds.
TOM: “The convenient little 12-story high pile also conveniently spread into neighboring streets and rooftops.”
Dylan: Official explanation? Falling debris from the Twin Towers created an internal fire, which ignited several fuel tanks inside the building.
MIKE: “But since the government is a bunch of liars, showing videos of the fire is out of the question!”
Dylan: If this is true, then it would be the third building in history to collapse because of a fire. The first two would be the Twin Towers.
TOM: Because it’s not like they use fire to make the steel itself. They just mine those beams fully formed right out of the ground.
Dylan: On July 28th, 1945, a B-52 [B-25] bomber lost in the fog crashed into the 79th floor of the Empire State Building. 14 people dead, 1 million dollars in damage. But, the building stands intact to this day.
MIKE: Also, you can’t die from being hit by a car! I once had a little Hot Wheels car hit my foot, and I barely felt it!
Dylan: On February 14th, 1975, a three alarm fire broke out between the 9th and 14th floors in the North Tower. According to the New York Times, the fire leads to intense scrutiny of the towers, and eventually to a decision to install sprinklers.
CROW: Hey Mike, that reminds me, I replaced all our fire extinguishers with plant spritzers. That should be enough, right?
Dylan: On May 4th, 1988, a 62 story skyscraper in Los Angeles burned for 3 hours and spread over 4 floors. It did not collapse. On February 23rd, 1991, a 38 story skyscraper in Philadelphia, built in 1973, burned for more than 19 hours and spread over 8 floors. It did not collapse. On October 17th, 2004, a 56 story skyscraper in Venezuela, built in 1976, burned for over 17 hours and spread over 26 floors, eventually reaching the roof. Guess what? It did not collapse.
TOM: But because fire departments are always in on the conspiracy, it’s a good thing they let those buildings burn just to see what would happen.
Dylan: On February 12th, 2005, the Windsor Building in Madrid, a 32 story tower framed in steel reinforced concrete, burned for almost 24 hours, completely eradicating the upper 10 stories of the building. Although the top 10 floors of the building fell, the building itself did not collapse.
MIKE: The terrorists who were supposed to crash a 767 into it at 550 miles per hour were running a day behind schedule.
Dylan: And yet on September 11th, 2001, two 110 story skyscrapers, completed in 1973, burned for 56 minutes and 103 minutes respectively, over 4 floors, before collapsing completely to the ground.
TOM: No oranges for Dylan. He compares apples to coconuts!
Dylan: One might argue that this was due to the construction of the World Trade Center. Let's look at what was inside those buildings.
CROW: So the towers absorbed the force of 767s crashing into them at 500 mph and didn’t collapse right away. Man, talk about shoddy design, Dylan!
Dylan: The Twin Towers were composed of 200,000 tons of steel, 425,000 cubic yards of concrete, 103 elevators, 43,600 windows, 60,000 tons of cooling equipment…
TOM: [singing] Five golden riiiings!
Dylan Cont’d: …and a 360-foot television antenna. The core of each tower was 87 by 133 feet, comprised of 47 box columns 36 by 16 inches thick.
CROW: Which were hollow, much like a truther’s head!
Dylan Cont’d: The North Tower was completed in 1970 standing at 1368 feet tall and the South Tower was completed in 1973 clocking in at 1362 feet tall, making them the tallest buildings in the world until the Sears Tower was completed in 1974.
MIKE: So the bigger and heavier something is, the less likely it is to fall when it’s structurally undermined? Makes sense!
Dylan: And to think, the government would have us believe that these massive structures were destroyed by 10,000 gallons of jet fuel.
TOM: Yes Dylan, now can you tell me just HOW all that jet fuel got inside the towers in the first place?
Dylan: However, eyewitnesses, video footage, and a little common sense quickly refutes that claim.
CROW: Unfortunately, Dylan seem to have a poor grasps of what common sense, basic physics, and elementary grammar is.
Dylan: The second plane hits the South Tower between the 78th and 82nd floors at 9:03 AM, barely hitting the southeast corner, the majority of the jet fuel exploding outside in a massive fireball.
MIKE: Careful Dylan, you barely got your facts completely wrong there.
Dylan: Yet, this Tower collapses first, even though the North Tower was hit straight on, and had already been burning for 18 minutes longer.
TOM: [as Mohammed Atta] “No fair, Marwan cheated by hitting his tower lower than I did! No wonder he got rewarded with more white raisins… Wait—white raisins?!”
Dylan: Galileo's Law of Falling Bodies calculates the time in which an object will travel a certain distance in complete freefall. Distance, D, equals 16.08 times Time in seconds squared.
ALL: [singing] (Galileo.) Galileo. (Galileo.) Galileo, Galileo figaro, Magnifico!
DISTANCE = 16.08 X SECONDS SQUARED
Dylan: The South Tower was 1362 feet tall. 1362 equals 16.08 times 84.7. Or, 9.2 seconds. [Footage of South Tower's destruction with timer overlay] The Twin Towers came down in nearly freefall speed.
TOM: That’s nice, Dylan. Now why don’t you show us what was happening in the two seconds before your video starts?
Dylan: 200,000 tons of steel shatters into sections no longer than a couple feet long.
CROW: [as infomercial announcer] “Introducing new, more compact building debris! Makes cleaning up your inside-job controlled demolitions a snap!”
Dylan: 425,000 cubic yards of concrete is pulverized into dust.
TOM: And it’s a good thing it all turned to dust too, otherwise you would have had huge freaking chunks of concrete raining down on the streets below.
Dylan: Thousands of lives are extinguished instantly.
MIKE: Minus the fake passengers on the jets, minus the fake hijackers, minus the firefighters and federal employees who were in on it… That leaves—how many, Dylan?
Dylan: So what brought down the World Trade Center? Let's ask the experts. Van Romero, Vice President for Research at New Mexico Institute of Mining and Technology.
CROW: [ominously] “They’re coming to GET you Dylan…”
MIKE: No, no, wrong Romero.
Van Romero: “My opinion is, based on the videotapes, after the airplanes hit the World Trade Center, there were some explosive devices inside that caused the towers to collapse. The collapses were too methodical to be a chance result of airplanes colliding with the structures.”
TOM: Now ye’ve done it. Ye’ve uttered the magic words! The flood of truther e-mails shall haunt ye until the day ye die!
Dylan: Ten days later:
Van Romero: “Certainly the fire is what caused the building to fail.”
Dylan: Why would Romero change his mind so suddenly?
MIKE: The nerve of him, making an intellectually honest retraction after looking up the facts!
Dylan: Hyman Brown. Civil Engineering Professor and the World Trade Center's construction manager.
Hyman Brown: “It was over-designed to withstand almost anything including hurricanes, high winds, bombings and an airplane hitting it…”
CROW: Godzilla vs. Megalon…
Hyman Brown cont’d: “... Although the buildings were designed to withstand a 150-year storm and the impact of a Boeing 707, jet fuel burning at 2,000 degrees Fahrenheit weakened the steel.”
TOM: Meh, a 707 traveling at approach speed, a 767 barreling in at 500 miles per hour, what’s the difference?
Dylan: Kevin Ryan. Underwriters Laboratories, the company that certified the steel that was used in the World Trade Center, In a letter to Frank Gayle of the National Institute of Standards and Technology:
MIKE: But Kevin Ryan tested water—so if steel is really made of water, then why do I still get stomach cramps after drinking a glass of steel tacks?
Kevin Ryan: “We know that the steel components were certified to ASTM E119. The time temperature curves for this standard require the samples to be exposed to temperatures around 2000F for several hours. And as we all agree, the steel applied met those specifications…”
CROW: I’m sorry, “BDSM E119”?
MIKE: No, no.
Kevin Ryan Cont’d: “…Additionally, I think we can all agree that even un-fireproofed steel will not melt until reaching red-hot temperatures of nearly 3000F. Why Dr. Brown would imply that 2000F would melt the high-grade steel used in those buildings makes no sense at all…”
TOM: [as Dr. Emmett Brown] “Jumping Gigawatts! It’s a conspiracy! Get into the time machine Marty, we’ve got a pair of towers to save!”
Kevin Ryan Cont’d: “…This story just does not add up. If steel from those buildings did soften or melt, I'm sure we can all agree that this was certainly not due to jet fuel fires of any kind, let alone the briefly burning fires in those towers.”
CROW: [as Kevin Ryan] “Steel at higher temperatures may bend, but it NEVER melts or turns to dust. Never. No, not ever.”
Dylan: Ryan's statements directly contradict statements from so-called "experts", which claim that 2000 degree heat inside the WTC caused the towers to collapse.
CROW: You’re all wrong! The real temperature of the fires was OVER NINE THOUSAAAAAANNND!!!
Dylan: Days after writing this letter, Kevin Ryan was fired from his position. Not even the experts agree with each other.
TOM: Or at least the experts wouldn’t agree with each other if Kevin Ryan were one of them.
Dylan: So what else could have caused the Twin Towers and Building 7 to collapse?
MIKE: The theory of Intelligent Falling?
Peter Jennings: 10 o'clock Eastern time this morning just collapsing on itself.
Reporter: The second building that was hit by the plane has just completely collapsed.
Peter Jennings: We have no idea what caused this.
CNN Anchor: Almost looks like one of those planned implosions.
Channel 8 Voiceover: As if a demolition team set off, when you see the whole demolitions of whole buildings. It folded down on itself and it was not there anymore.
TOM: Yeah, it looks exactly like those controlled demolitions where they fly a plane into it, start a huge raging fire, blow up random floors, and scatter debris over multiple city blocks!
Peter Jennings: If you wish to bring anybody who's ever watched a building being demolished on purpose knows, that if you're going to do this, you have to get at the under infrastructure of a building and bring it down.
CROW: Hmm, electrical shorts, transformers, switchgear, generators, steam pipes, falling debris, failing support structures… NAH. It must have been bombs!
Female Witness: We heard another explosion and I'm assuming that's the one that came from the lower level. Since there were two...
Unidentified Male Voiceover: They were 18 minutes apart.
Female Witness: Well... this is, no the first, the first explosion and there was the second explosion in the same building. There were 2 explosions.
MIKE: [as the Male Witness] “Sorry, that was just my opening a can of Pringles. Didn’t mean to scare you.”
WCBS 2 Voiceover: Federal Agencies that were down there do believe that there was some sort of explosive device, somewhere else besides the planes hitting.
NBC's Pat Dawson is close to the scene of that attack, Pat?
TOM: Is there no information sharing in this conspiracy? Way to expose your own plan, feds!
Pat Dawson: Just moments ago I spoke to the Chief of Safety for the New York City Fire Department, the chief Albert Turi, he received word of the possibility of a secondary device, that is another bomb going off…
MIKE: So there was just ONE extra bomb? Oh Dylan and his exaggerations.
Pat Dawson Cont’d: …He tried to get his men out as quickly as he could, but he said that there was another explosion which took place and then, an hour after the first hit here, the first crash that took place, he said there was another explosion that took place in one of the Towers here. He thinks that there were actually devices that were planted in the building. The second device, he thinks, he speculates, was probably planted in the building.
CROW: Speculation, huh? Well that’s a KIND of proof, isn’t it Dylan?
Unnamed Reporter: There were two or three similar huge explosions and the building literally shook, it literally shook at the base of this building.
CROW: “I mean literally, this explosion literally shook the building in the literalist literal fashion, literally!”
NBC Reporter: First one and then the other, some say after secondary explosions.
TOM: Those poor tertiary explosions never get any attention.
Male Witness: A big explosion happened, all of a sudden the elevator blew up, smoke, I dragged the guy out, his skin was hanging off, and I dragged him out and I helped him to the ambulance.
TOM: Sure Dylan, use accounts from the people who were still traumatized and trying to save lives, in order to sell your crackpot theory!
Male Witness: We started coming down the stairs from the eighth floor. Big explosion. Blew us back into the eighth floor.
MIKE: “Those explosives definitely weren’t ISO 9000 certified!”
Male Witness: Just came out of the tunnel, and it blew.
Interviewer: The subway tunnel?
Male Witness: Yeah.
CROW: Eh, that one’s too easy.
Reporter: So, tell us what's happening out there.
Unidentified Witness: We just witnessed some kind of secondary, follow up explosion on the World Trade Center number 2.
Reporter: Secondary.
TOM: [as witness] “I’d say we’re all in deep number 2!”
Unnamed Reporter: We understand now there has been a secondary explosion on Tower 2.
Harold Dow: There was another major explosion. The building itself, literally the top of it came down sending smoke and debris everywhere.
MIKE: “And usually buildings are so QUIET when they come crashing down!”
FOX News Reporter: We are five blocks from the World Trade Center. And, and we were standing here, when, when there was some sort of collapse, or explosion.
Do you know if it was an explosion, or if it was a building collapse?
Police Officer: To me it sounded like, to me it sounded like an explosion...
CROW: “…of lemony goodness!”
MIKE: Crow!?
CROW: What? Dylan’s twisting these out of context, so why can’t I?
Male Witness: At the moment we heard a big explosion coming down. Everything it went black. Everything came down, glass started popping, people got hurt, stuff went on top of them, and there was a big explosion, and everything got dark. Real dark like smoke.
TOM: Come on! Dylan doesn’t care about the part where people got hurt! He just wanted to hear you say the word, “explosion”!
FOX News Reporter: The FBI is here as you can see, they had roped this area off, they were taking photographs and securing this area, just prior to that huge explosion that we all heard and felt.
TOM: [as reporter] “And if we’d seen the explosion ourselves, I’m sure we’d avert some crazy theories by guys in tinfoil hats!”
Female Police Officer: Get out of the area. The second Tower is coming down.
NBC Reporter: Did they tell you the second Tower is coming down?
Female Police Officer: Yes, it's about to collapse.
TOM: [as officer] “I heard it from some creepy guys in black suits, but they told me to remember that I didn’t hear it from them.”
Female Reporter: At 10:30 I tried to leave the building. As soon as I got outside I heard a second explosion. And another rumble…
TOM: “Let’s get ready to RUMBLLLLLLE!!”
Female Reporter Cont’d: …and more smoke, and more dust. I ran inside the building, the chandelier shook and again black smoke filled the air. Within another 5 minutes we were covered again with more silt and more dust. And then a Fire Marshall came in and said we had to leave, because if there was a third explosion this building might not last.
MIKE: “Oh no, the building is shaking! I need to get to a safe place! I know, I’ll hide inside this nearby building…”
FOX NEWS Reporter: We just saw that as well, the second Tower, the only one that was standing, Tower number one just ah we saw some kind of explosion a lot of smoke come out of the top of the Tower, and then it collapsed down onto the streets below.
CROW: In truther world, buildings fall UP!
Reporter: David Lee, what can you tell us?
David Lee: John, just seconds ago there was a huge explosion and it appears right now the second World Trade Tower has just collapsed.
TOM: [as David Lee] “Also, there is a huge dust cloud heading our way, and furthermore, people are panicking. But here’s the clincher—everyone is running! Can you believe that? Running!”
Dylan: One eyewitness was standing among a crowd of people on Church Street, two and a half blocks from the South Tower, when he saw a number of brief light sources being emitted from inside the building between floors 10 and 15. He saw about six of these flashes, accompanied by a crackling sound before the Tower collapsed.
MIKE: Man, controlled demolition conspirators have gotten so lazy these days. I mean, it took, what, nearly an hour for the bombs to detonate after those imaginary planes flew into the buildings?
Dylan: Ginny Carr was attending a business meeting on the 36th floor of One Liberty Plaza, across the street from the World Trade Center, and caught the entire first attack on tape. A second explosion can be heard nine seconds after the crash.
[Soundwave display]
Male Voice on Tape: ...sounded like some crash.
CROW: Oh come on, everyone knows the second explosion came from the grassy knoll!
Dylan: So, what happened in the North Tower? Ask Willie Rodriguez. Willie, a janitor who worked in the World Trade Center for 20 years, was in sub-level 1 when the North Tower was hit.
TOM: Boy, was HE working overtime the next day!
Willie Rodriguez: And all of a sudden we heard boom!! And I thought it was a generator that blew up in the basement. And I said to myself: Oh my God, I think that's the generator.
MIKE: [as Willie Rodriguez] “Aw maaaan, I’ll bet they make me clean this one up too!”
Willie Rodriguez: And I was going to verbalize it, and when I finished saying that in my mind, I hear boom! Right on the top. Pretty far away. So, it was a difference between coming from the basement and coming from the top.
TOM: Come on, the sound tried to get to the basement as fast as it could, but the elevators were out of order!
Willie Rodriguez: And that’s… everybody started screaming. And a person comes running into the office saying: Explosion, explosion, explosion! He had his hands extended. And all the skin was falling from under his arm. All the way to the top of the fingertips, and it was hanging from both arms. Hanging and hanging. And then I looked at his face and he was missing parts of his face.
CROW: But Dylan doesn’t care about the plight of victims like him, he just wants to hear you say, “Explosion,” again!
Willie Rodriguez: And I said: What happened? What happened? And he said: The elevators, the elevators. And then... When I..., there were many explosions, and when I actually talked about those explosions, they said that: Well, there were so many kitchens in the building. They have probably those gas canisters. And I say: I don't believe that, because the building was a class A building. They have very strict guidelines of what you can put in a kitchen. And I really doubt it was gas.
TOM: Of course, there was all that jet fuel that got airmailed to the upper floors. It’s not like THAT could’ve caused those explosions.
Willie Rodriguez: So, there was a lot of misconceptions of what happened on that day in terms of the explosions. Up to today, I haven't received an actual explanation about the different explosions that I heard on the upper floors. And on the way to the top.
MIKE: That’s great Dylan, now how about a witness who wasn’t working a thousand feet below where the plane hit?
Dylan: The windows in the lobby of the North Tower were blown out, and marble panels were blown off of the walls. This was brushed off as damage from a raging fireball that went barreling down the elevator shafts. However, the World Trade Center's core and elevator shafts were hermetically sealed, AKA, air-tight. The fire could not possibly have had enough oxygen to travel 1,300 feet down, retaining enough energy to destroy the bottom 8 floors of the building.
MIKE: “100th floor please. Hey Bob, nice day, huh? Whoa, getting dizzy. [Wheezes] Can’t breathe… [Coughing] I wish these elevators [pant] weren’t sealed up—airtight!”
Dylan: On 9-11, New York City lost 343 firefighters at the World Trade Center. Since they were the ones inside the Towers before and as they collapsed, I'd say they've got a pretty good grasp on what happened.
CROW: Especially how they were going to be sacrificed to advance the Orwellian oppression of the American masses, all according to plan.
Dylan: So, what does the FDNY think? First, we have this interview from the Naudet brothers' documentary.
Firefighter 1: …What do we do? We made it outside, we made it about a block?
Firefighter 2: We made it at least 2 blocks and we started running... Boom-boom-boom-boom. Floor by floor it started popping out.
Firefighter 1: It was like, as if they had detonated?
CROW: Because similes always count as hard evidence in a court of law.
Firefighter 2: Yeah, detonated.
Firefighter 1: Take out the building. Boom-boom-boom-boom.
Firefighter 2: …All the way down, I was watching it and running. And then you just saw this cloud of s*** chasing you down. Couldn’t outrun it.
Dylan: In these interviews, numerous members of Engine 7 describe explosions preceding the collapses, not to mention the damage to the lobby of the North Tower.
TOM: Those fools, blowing up the north lobby prematurely! They’re going to expose the whole plan!
Unidentified Firefighter 1: I heard a loud boom. And my first… I was, I was right at the desk there on the lefthand side when you come into Tower one. And I walked out, you know I didn't go out I walked to where all the doorway, where the glass was broken, and I looked out and I seen in the building across the street. I seen the shadow coming like the, I seen the shadow on a building across the street coming down.
MIKE: The attacks were pulled off with such silent precision that no one suspected a thing until the bomb explosions tipped off the firefighters!
Unidentified Firefighter 2: I wasn't expecting to see the damage that I saw in the lobby. And, and the people, the bodies, the burnt people, the injured people, I really wasn't prepared for that.
CROW: Don’t worry, Loose Change has already started a fund to help all the building lobbies that were damaged in these attacks. As for the people—meh.
Unidentified Firefighter 3: The lobby was about six stories high and the lobby looked as though a bomb had exploded there. It's a… all the glass was taken out, there were 10 foot by 10 foot, a marble panels that were once walls that were loose from the wall of the Trade Center.
TOM: [as Paul Reuben] “He said BOMB! That’s the secret word! AAAHHH!!” [Mike and Crow join in] “AaaaAAHHHAAAaaa!!!”
Unidentified Firefighter 4: I went around by the freight elevator and I could see it was just blown.
30th floor. We hear another… explosion. And at that time we heard a huge explosion.
MIKE: Just great! All this jet fuel got all over the carefully planted bombs we had in the elevator shafts!
Dylan: Firefighter Louie Cacchioli told People Weekly:
Louie Cacchioli: “I was taking firefighters up in the elevator to the 24th floor to get in position to evacuate workers. On the last trip up a bomb went off. We think there were bombs set in the building.”
MIKE: Poor Cacchioli, always getting misquoted. I hear back when he used to work at that diner, his customers always seemed to order the Super Salad.
Dylan: For more than a year, the Port Authority blocked the release of a tape of firefighters' transmissions from the World Trade Center on 9-11. In November 2002, the tape was finally released to the New York Times and other news outlets. Why did it take so long to get the tape released?
TOM: “Okay, we’ve got to get this crime scene evidence down to the lab. But first, standard procedure dictates that we immediately distribute it to all major news outlets!”
[The tape recording plays.]
“I got, uh, an eyewitness who said there was an explosion on floors 7 and 8, 7, 8.”
“Battalion 3 to Dispatch, we've just had another explosion.”
“…Warren Street, because of the secondary explosion. We've got numerous people covered with dust from the secondary explosion.”
”We got another explosion on the Tower, 10-13, 10-13.”
”Tower 2 has had a major explosion and what appears to be a complete collapse surrounding the entire area.”
”I was involved in the secondary, uh, explosion at Tower 1, Kay…“
CROW: [as firefighter] “Will continue to use the word ‘explosion’ until Dylan, Jason, and Korey have ejaculated, over…”
Dylan: Chief Palmer had reached the fire on the 78th floor of the South Tower and devised a plan to put it out. 9:52 a.m., 13 minutes before collapse.
CROW: Sadly, MacGuyver could not make it out in time.
Recording of Chief Palmer: “…Ladder 15, we've got two isolated pockets of fire. We should be able to knock it down with two lines. Radio that, 78th floor numerous 10-45 Code Ones.”
MIKE: What do I keep saying? Dylan doesn’t want to be bothered hearing about casualties!
Dylan: If the 78th floor was a raging inferno like the government would have us believe, then Palmer wouldn't have gotten as far as he did and certainly wouldn't be able to put it out.
TOM: [mockingly] Convection Shmonvection!
Dylan: On August 12th, 2005 an additional 15 hours of radio transmissions and transcripts of interviews with firefighters was finally released to the public. Firefighters describe two events consistent with the controlled demolition: bright flashes from inside the building…
CROW: The inside of the building was subsequently arrested for indecent exposure.
"I saw low-level flashes. [Lieutenant Evangelista] asked me if I saw low-level flashes in front of the building, and I agreed with him because I saw a flash, flash, flash, and then it looked like the building came down."
"You know like when they demolish a building, how when they blow up a building, when it falls down? That's what I thought I saw."
--Stephen Gregory, Commissioner of the Bureau of Communications
MIKE: I’ll bet every time Dylan hears a car exhaust backfire, he instinctively clutches his chest as if he’s been shot.
[Footage of controlled demolitions]
Dylan: And a number of crackling sounds before the buildings collapsed…
"Somewhere around the middle of the WTC there was this orange and red flash… Initially it was just one then [it] just kept popping all the way around the building and [it] started to explode."
"As far as I could see, these popping sounds and the explosions were getting bigger, going both up and down and then all around the building."
--Captain Karin deShore, Batallion 46
CROW: So it definitely wasn’t electrical cables and boxes? But then again, Dylan would know all about blown fuses.
[Footage of the Kingdome demolition]
Dylan: What does science have to say about the collapses?
[A shot of the American Free Press headline reading “Seismic Data Refutes Official Explanation” is shown.]
TOM: [as Chris Bollyn, with German accent] “Sieg Heil!! Uh I mean, nuzink to see here!”
Dylan: The collapse of the World Trade Center was picked up by Columbia University's observatory in Palisades, New York.
MIKE: [as Won-Young Kim] “Uh-uh, sorry. I am NOT picking this mess up.”
Dylan: The South Tower registers at 2.1 earthquake. The North Tower registers at 2.3 earthquake. Won-Young Kim told Chris Bollyn that their seismographs pick up underground explosions from a quarry 20 miles away.
TOM: Chris Bollyn immediately blamed the government for blowing up the quarry to give them a mandate to invade Iraq!
Dylan: These blasts are caused by 80,000 pounds of ammonium nitrate and cause local earthquakes between magnitude one and two.
CROW: [as Bank of America employee] “Ugh, my plants aren’t doing so well. I’d better dig out some of the wall.”
Dylan: The 1993 bombing of the World Trade Center did not even register, because it was not coupled to the ground.
CROW: Pfft, the WTC and the ground will always be my one true pairing!
Dylan: During the collapse, most of the energy of the falling debris was absorbed by the Towers and the neighboring structures converting them into rubble and dust or causing other damage but not causing significant ground shaking.
MIKE: Dustism sure has become a popular religion among the concrete population.
Dylan: Mark Loizeaux, the president of Controlled Demolition, Inc. told the American Free Press…
TOM: “Sieg Heil!!”
Dylan Cont’d: …that in the basements of the WTC where 47 central support columns connected to the bedrock, hot spots of "literally molten steel" were discovered more than a month after September 11th.
CROW: Eh, they were going to say “aluminum” but it didn’t sound as intimidating.
Dylan: These incredibly hot areas were found at the bottoms of the elevator shafts down 7 basement levels.
CROW: [husky voice] Oh yeah, things always get incredibly hot whenever shafts and bottoms come together.
MIKE: Crow! Mind out of gutter, now!
Dylan: The molten steel was found "three, four, and five weeks later, when the rubble was being removed." He said that molten steel was also found at World Trade Center 7. The highest temperature was in the east corner of the South Tower, where a temperature of 1377 degrees Fahrenheit was recorded.
TOM: Guess Dylan’s never heard of aluminum. The only foil he ever buys is tin for making hats!
Dylan: The molten steel in the basement was more than double that temperature. Do you still think that jet fuel brought down the World Trade Center?
MIKE: You tell ‘em, Dylan! All that paper and the wood and plastic furnishings could never have caught fire!
Dylan: In all the videos of the collapses, explosions can be seen bursting from the buildings 20 to 30 stories below the demolition wave.
TOM: Yeah, everyone knows that those windows were designed to be blast proof, fireproof, and several hundred million pounds of building crashing down-proof.
[A video is shown, pointing out the squib explosions.]
Dylan: Here. [Cue the squib music.] Here. Here. Here. Here. And here.
TOM: Good to know that all those failed Hogwarts wizards could find employment somewhere, but did they have to break random windows on the way out?
Dylan: Etienne Sauret was filming her documentary, World Trade Center: The First 24 Hours, and caught both collapses on tape.
CROW: Aha! The documentary was entitled “The First 24 Hours” which means… [Gasp] Etienne Sauret was in on the conspiracy!!
Dylan: Watch carefully. [The video is shown, during which the screen shakes.] The tripod shakes 12 seconds before the North Tower begins collapsing.
MIKE: Good thing she was using one of those old camcorders without Digital Image Stabilization; otherwise we might have missed the explosive tremor completely!
Dylan: And something is knocked off the right hand side of the building.
CROW: They went with those low-bid explosive charges that take 12 seconds to actually work.
Dylan: You're probably asking, if there were bombs in the building, how would they get in there without anyone noticing? Ben Fountain, a financial analyst who worked in the World Trade Center, told People Magazine that in the weeks before 9-11, there were a number of unannounced and unusual drills where sections of both the Twin Towers and building 7 were evacuated for “security reasons.”
TOM: [as demo worker] “What? No, this isn’t C4. It’s, uh, Play-Doh! Yeah. With wires and detonators sticking out of it…”
Dylan: Daria Coard, a guard in the North Tower, told Newsday that security detail was working 12-hour shifts for two weeks before 9-11, but on Thursday the 6th, bomb-sniffing dogs were abruptly removed from the building.
MIKE: [as demo worker] “Come on, I know we might still get a 5-day work week, but I don’t wanna work on weekends!”
Dylan: So who authorized all this? President Bush's brother, Marvin, was Board of Directors at Securacom from 1993 until fiscal year 2000.
MIKE: [as Marvin Bush] “Now guys, I’m retiring, so try not to get involved in any conspiracies while I’m gone, m’kay?”
Dylan: Securacom, now known as Stratesec, is an electronic security company backed by Kuwait-American Corporation, which provided security for United Airlines, Dulles International Airport, and from the early 1990s up to the day of 9-11, the World Trade Center. Marvin is also the former director of HCC Insurance Holdings, which insured parts of the World Trade Center on 9/11.
CROW: [as Marvin Bush] “What a brilliant scam! After we blow up the building, we’ll have to pay out the $2.4 million to cover the insurance!”
Dylan: More information on this was supposed to be disclosed and never was. To date the SEC has not revealed what they have learned.
TOM: Y’know, we could invent a drinking game for every time Loose Change makes a blank assertion, but that wouldn’t be fair to everyone who comes down with alcohol poisoning.
Dylan: If only we could examine the debris from the World Trade Center and figure out what happened. Unfortunately, Mayor Giuliani began shipping the remains off to recycling yards overseas before investigators could even examine it. Not even FEMA was allowed into Ground Zero. Essentially, they blocked off a crime scene and destroyed all the evidence.
MIKE: At this point Dylan had to replace his computer monitor, after the end of his foot-long nose smashed the screen of his last one.
Dylan: Guess who was allowed into the site?
TOM: Alan Jackson?
Dylan: Controlled Demolition, who was also responsible for cleaning up after the Oklahoma City Bombing in 1995.
CROW: Unfortunately for their contract, the buildings had already been demolished, so there wasn’t much else for them to do but clean up the mess.
Dylan: It gets better than that. On July 15th, 2001. Controlled Demolition destroyed two 400-foot-tall fuel reserve tanks from the World War II era. The demolition was conducted for no apparent reason, and drew numerous complains from the neighborhood. The site remains vacant to this day and a reason for the demolition has never been disclosed.
CROW: Rusty unused tanks, more than half a century old, owners wanted to remove them, extensive public hearings process… Yeah, obviously part of a conspiracy!
Dylan: Regardless, I think what happened to the World Trade Center is simple enough. It was brought down in a carefully planned controlled demolition. It was a psychological attack on the American People, and it was pulled off with military precision.
MIKE: Yeah, by the same government that did such a good job covering up the Tuskegee experiments, Watergate, the Tonkin Gulf incident, the Lewinsky scandal, the NSA wiretaps, the abuse at Gitmo and Abu Gharib… [Trails off as we cut to a commercial bumper]
[End of Part III]
