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Most irritating Zen anecdote

Hexxenhammer said:

Beat me to it. But Bart does empty his mind with the old "If a tree falls in the woods, and no is there to hear it, does it make a sound?"
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Heh. Yeah. As I remember, he gets all google-eyed and says, "Wow!"

I prefer Jack Handy's "If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might. If they screamed all the time, for no good reason."
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Jack Handy is very Zen.

When I was in High School, a friend of mine was fascinated by the Kwakiutl Indians. They practice a kind of aggressive cannibalism. When one clan meets another, some members cry, "Hap! Hap!" which means "Eat! Eat!" and then try to take a bite out of the thighs of a member of the other clan.

This is all completely true, by the way. I kid you not.

But it does lead to the question: what is the sound of one clan happing?
 
Zen went the strings of my heart

Once there were two monasteries on opposite sides of a mountain: North Monastery and South Monastery. In each monastery there was a boy acolyte. Each boy had the duty of buying vegetables in the local village market. Paths led down the mountain from each monastery, and joined at the road to the village.

One day, the boy from South Monastery met the boy from North Monastery where the two paths joined the road. "Where are you going?" asked the boy from South Monastery. In the circumstances, this was a Zen question - a Zen challenge, in fact.

The boy from North Monastery answered cheerfully, "I'm going wherever my feet take me."

The boy from South Monastery had no answer; he had lost the encounter. When he got back to the monastery, he told the head monk what had happened. "Next time," counseled the head monk, "ask him where he's going and when he answers, ask him where he'd be going if he had no feet." "I will," replied the boy.

Next day, the two boys met again where the paths joined the road. "Where are you going," challenged the boy from South Monastery.

The boy from North Monastery replied cheerfully, "I'm going wherever the wind blows me." The boy from South Monastery again had no answer.

When he got back, he told the head monk what had happened. "Next time," said the head monk, "ask him where he's going and when he answers, ask him where he'd be going if there was no wind." "Check, got it," said the boy.

The third day came. The two boys met where the paths from their monasteries joined the road. "Where are you going?" asked the boy from South Monastery.

The boy from North Monastery replied, "I'm going to the market to buy vegetables."
 
From the lame to the sublime
http://www.rider.edu/~suler/zenstory/zenstory.html
A martial arts student approached his teacher with a question. "I'd like to improve my knowledge of the martial arts. In addition to learning from you, I'd like to study with another teacher in order to learn another style. What do you think of this idea?"
"The hunter who chases two rabbits," answered the master, "catches neither one."
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Gosh!
Roshi Kapleau agreed to educate a group of psychoanalysts about Zen. After being introduced to the group by the director of the analytic institute, the Roshi quietly sat down upon a cushion placed on the floor. A student entered, prostrated before the master, and then seated himself on another cushion a few feet away, facing his teacher. "What is Zen?" the student asked. The Roshi produced a banana, peeled it, and started eating. "Is that all? Can't you show me anything else?" the student said. "Come closer, please," the master replied. The student moved in and the Roshi waved the remaining portion of the banana before the student's face. The student prostrated, and left.
A second student rose to address the audience. "Do you all understand?" When there was no response, the student added, "You have just witnessed a first-rate demonstration of Zen. Are there any questions?"

After a long silence, someone spoke up. "Roshi, I am not satisfied with your demonstration. You have shown us something that I am not sure I understand. It must be possible to TELL us what Zen is."

"If you must insist on words," the Roshi replied, "then Zen is an elephant copulating with a flea."
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Whatevah.
A university professor went to visit a famous Zen master. While the master quietly served tea, the professor talked about Zen. The master poured the visitor's cup to the brim, and then kept pouring. The professor watched the overflowing cup until he could no longer restrain himself. "It's overfull! No more will go in!" the professor blurted. "You are like this cup," the master replied, "How can I show you Zen unless you first empty your cup."
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Pretty good!
A Tibetan story tells of a meditation student who, while meditating in his room, believed he saw a spider descending in front of him. Each day the menacing creature returned, growing larger and larger each time. So frightened was the student, that he went to his teacher to report his dilemma. He said he planned to place a knife in his lap during meditation, so when the spider appeared he would kill it. The teacher advised him against this plan. Instead, he suggested, bring a piece of chalk to meditation, and when the spider appeared, mark an "X" on its belly. Then report back.
The student returned to his meditation. When the spider again appeared, he resisted the urge to attack it, and instead did just what the master suggested. When he later reported back to the master, the teacher told him to lift up his shirt and look at his own belly. There was the "X".
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Twilight Zone
One more:
Whenever anyone asked him about Zen, the great master Gutei would quietly raise one finger into the air. A boy in the village began to imitate this behavior. Whenever he heard people talking about Gutei's teachings, he would interrupt the discussion and raise his finger. Gutei heard about the boy's mischief. When he saw him in the street, he seized him and cut off his finger. The boy cried and began to run off, but Gutei called out to him. When the boy turned to look, Gutei raised his finger into the air. At that moment the boy became enlightened.
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WTF?

There's a few dozen more at the link. Some real puzzlers in there too.
 
Talkative master

Once there was a Zen master who would talk on any sort of subject. He was free with his advice and opinions about many things, but he never talked about Zen. Finally, someone asked him why, since he talked so much about other things, he never talked about Zen. He replied, "Because it turns my stomach."
 
twillis said:
Hmmm.

Well, how about these, then:

http://groups.google.com/groups?sel...8971d@news.lineone.net&oe=UTF-8&output=gplain
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Master Kibo-Tse sat on his favorite chair in the Palace of Bok
Choi, and meditated on being/not being. Suddenly, a robed
student burst into the room and genuflected before him.

"Master Kibo-Tse," shouted the student, "I believe I know what
you are meditating about."

Kibo-Tse smiled, as this challenge had come before, from other
students. "Enlighten me, then, student," he said. The student
rose, and said "You are meditating about being/not being."

Kibo-Tse was shocked. No one had ever passed the challenge
before. "H... how did you know?" he stuttered.

The student pulled back the hood of his robe. Kibo-Tse gasped:
it was Kibo-Tse! Kibo-Tse fell back in horror as Kibo-Tse pulled
a machine gun out from the under the folds in his robe and
started shooting while laughing maniacally.

Kibo-Tse woke up with a start, sitting on his favorite chair in
the Palace of Bok Choi. "Man, what a whacked-out dream!" he
thought to himself; but just to make sure, he had all of his
students killed.
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laugh2.gif
 
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