Most irritating Zen anecdote

[sackett]

What's the most irritating Zen anecdote you know? R. H. Blythe is packed with examples, but most of them are pretty flat, more boring than exasperating.

Okay, I'll start:

Two monks were arguing about a flag on a windy day.
"Flag is moving!" cried one monk.
"No, wind is moving!" cried the other
A passing sage smiled and said, "Not flag, not wind. MIND is moving." The monks experienced immediate enlightenment, and the site of the flagpole became a place of pilgrimage.
Several hundred years later, an old nun visiting the site was told about the above incident. She spat and said, "That sage was a fool! Not flag, not wind, not mind! IT is moving!"

 

[Suezoled]

There was once a foreing Queen who wasn't used to the heat of her kingdom she married into. To keep cool, and embraced a metal column in the throne room. Within a year, she gave birth. It was a giant ball of metal. The queen wailed that all she had done was embrace the column to keep cool. The king had the ball made into a couldron. It was used for divination. The couldron prophecied that a man who had eyerbows 9 inches apart would slay him. The king, in a fright, ordered all children with broad eyebrows to be slain. One child was missed; he was in a far part of the kingdom and Broad of Brow. He heard about the king's tyranny, and, when he grew up, sought revenge. The king looked up one day to see a man with eyebrows set nine inches apart approaching him! The king's head was chopped off and fell into the couldron. The royal guard threw his spear and Broad of Brow lost his head. It also fell into the couldron with the King's head. Desperate to seperate the traitor's head from the king's the King's Main Guard ran to the couldron... and his head fell off too (just because, okay?). When the couldron cooled enough for the people to remove the skulls, no one could tell whose was the king's, whose was Broad of Brow's, and whose was the guard's.

moral of the story: mixing with the common man makes you indistinguishable from any other.

Yup. That's the whole story and the moral.

 

[epepke]

Originally posted by Suezoled moral of the story: mixing with the common man makes you indistinguishable from any other.

Yup. That's the whole story and the moral. [/B]

Are you sure it isn't "Buddhists don't keep dental records, but they have some kinky sex"?

 

[triadboy]

What is the sound of one hand clapping?

 

[T'ai Chi]

What is the sound of one hand clapping?

I never understood that one, because one can easily clap with one hand by bending the fingers down to strike the palm.

 

[Suezoled]

What is the sound of one hand clapping?

woosh

 

[Ladewig]

What is the sound of one hand clapping?

If you stand close enough for me to reach your cheek, I will help you achieve enlightenment.

 

[Skeptical Greg]

I never understood that one, because one can easily clap with one hand by bending the fingers down to strike the palm.

Uh, that's called ' snapping your fingers '...


Now you know...

 

[sackett]

I meant stuff like this

Three enlightenment-seeking monks from a monastery were hiking up the Yellow Mountain in China, when they discovered an extraordinarily beautiful cottage. They were invited inside by the keeper of the door. Once inside, they were warmly greeted by a True Master, who asked them to join him for dinner. They accepted, sitting down to a hearty, wonderful dinner with plum wine - after which they and the True Master all fell into a deep, restful slumber. While they were sleeping, mischievous servants painted the word "idiot" on the travelers' foreheads - in such a way that it would be impossible for any monk to know, without looking in a mirror, that anything was written on his own forehead. When they woke up and saw what was written on the foreheads of their companions, they simultaneously broke into a fit of uncontrollable laughter. The True Master did not laugh at all. Very quickly, the senior monk, who was also the closest to enlightenment, realized that his own forehead was also embellished with the "idiot" word - and he stopped laughing instantly.

 

[epepke]

I never understood that one, because one can easily clap with one hand by bending the fingers down to strike the palm.

There's a great Simpsons episode about that one.

Lisa: What is the sound of one hand clapping?
Bart: That's easy! pap pap pap pap pap
Lisa: Noooo, Bart! It's a thousand-year-old-riddle to empty the mind! It has no answer!
Bart: Yo, Lisa. Listen up! pap pap pap pap pap

Actually, neither on The Simpsons nor in California does one learn that the real purpose of koans is that, if you don't answer fast enough, the Master gets to hit you upside the head with a rattan stick.

The answer to this koan is "a butterfly," which I think is annoying enough to include here.

 

[LW]

Uh, that's called ' snapping your fingers '...
Now you know...

Yes, now I know. Before I thought that 'snapping your fingers' means that I make noise by, well, snapping two or three fingers together, not by clapping my palm with four fingers.

 

[Nyarlathotep]

I have long thought that I ought to become some sort of Zen Master, that way when I get old and senile and begin telling rambling stories that go nowhere or begin having to ask things like "Which door did I come in?", the people around me will think "What an incredibly wise old man!" rather than "Geez, what a senile old geezer!"

 

[Skeptical Greg]

I meant like this.

O.K., Now I get it..


Two enlightenment-seeking monks from a monastery (Monks from a monastery ? WTF? ) were putting shingles on a house..
One monk noticed that the other monk kept throwing nails away.
He asked the other monk what was going on, and the monk replied that the nails in question, had the head on the wrong end.

' You idiot! ', said the other, other monk, ' Those are for the other side ..'



Next...

 

[Hexxenhammer]

There's a great Simpsons episode about that one.

Lisa: What is the sound of one hand clapping?
Bart: That's easy! pap pap pap pap pap
Lisa: Noooo, Bart! It's a thousand-year-old-riddle to empty the mind! It has no answer!
Bart: Yo, Lisa. Listen up! pap pap pap pap pap

Beat me to it. But Bart does empty his mind with the old "If a tree falls in the woods, and no is there to hear it, does it make a sound?"

I prefer Jack Handy's "If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might. If they screamed all the time, for no good reason."

 

[Dorian Gray]

Take two birds. Tie them together. They have four wings, yet they cannot fly.

 

[Nyarlathotep]

Take two birds. Tie them together. They have four wings, yet they cannot fly.

Take two birds, puree them in a blender, add crushed ice, serves four.

 

[T'ai Chi]

Uh, that's called ' snapping your fingers '...

Now you know...

No.. not snapping, but hitting your palm with the fingers on that same hand.

Kind of like grasping at straws which you are already familiar with.

 

[Skeptical Greg]

Take two birds. Tie them together. They have four wings, yet they cannot fly.

Then there's

Take two Zen philosophers. Tie them together. They have two brains, yet they still can't think..



( substitute your favorite mindless person for " two Zen philosophers " as needed... )

 

[Dancing David]

From the Illuminatus:

'A young student comes to a master and asks to be taught as his last master was harsh and unkind. "What did your master do?" asks the new master, he hit me when I asked a question says the seeker." What was the question?" asks the master. "What is the buddha nature?" says the student, the master whacks the seeker upside the head and says "Return to your master and thank them for thier grandmotherly kindness!".

A zen master is on a horse galloping through a town, Where are you going master?" asks a bystander, "Ask the horse!" says the master.

The buddha is a poop-stick.

 

[Nyarlathotep]

Then there's

Take two Zen philosophers. Tie them together. They have two brains, yet they still can't think..



( substitute your favorite mindless person for " two Zen philosophers " as needed... )

Take Iacchus and Lifegazer, tie them together....

HOLY COW! It works!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!