"Like Hell I'm Going To Let Some Black President Help Me Pay For Dialysis"

[volatile]

Can The Onion do no wrong?

http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/like_hell_im_going_to_let_some

I take pride in who I am. Always have, always will. I've worked hard my whole life and have never taken anyone's charity, and I'm not about to start now, no matter what. I'm telling you, there's no way I'm going to sit back and let some black president of the United States try to devise a structure to help me pay for the dialysis treatment I so desperately need to survive.

Not over my dead body.

Just who does this Afro-American occupant of the highest office in the land think he is, anyway? Look, I've got nothing against black people, but some of them act like the whole world owes them something. For example, important government subsidies on my dialysis.

You know, I don't recall asking for some black commander in chief to embrace protections that would prohibit insurance companies from dropping my coverage on a whim and operating as if my continued existence on earth were nothing more than a strategic liability. Plus, if I go along with this progressive health-benefits scheme, he'll probably hold it over my head every time I receive vital care with the aid of the government to which I already pay taxes.

Sorry. I've got too much self-respect for that.

And it gets better from there on in.

 

[theprestige]

I wonder what the joke is?

• "We all know people like this really exist, and we agree they're suitable subjects for ridicule."
• "We all know people like this don't really exist, which is what makes ridiculing them so funny."
• "Whether or not you believe people like this really exist, you'll find a reason to think this is funny, either way."

 

[paiute]

I wonder what the joke is?

• "We all know people like this really exist, and we agree they're suitable subjects for ridicule."
• "We all know people like this don't really exist, which is what makes ridiculing them so funny."
• "Whether or not you believe people like this really exist, you'll find a reason to think this is funny, either way."

First bullet point.

 

[drkitten]

First bullet point.

More accurately, "we all know that people SIMILAR to this exist, and they are suitable subjects for ridicule via caricature."

 

[Foolmewunz]

I wonder what the joke is?

• "We all know people like this really exist, and we agree they're suitable subjects for ridicule."
• "We all know people like this don't really exist, which is what makes ridiculing them so funny."
• "Whether or not you believe people like this really exist, you'll find a reason to think this is funny, either way."

Paiute and Dr.K, I have to correct you. The answer is "the line before the first bullet point". I bolded it for ya!

 

[fishbob]

I wonder what the joke is?

You wonder what the joke is? Seriously?

If you can afford it, seek medical attention promptly.

 

[Algebra34]

You wonder what the joke is? Seriously?

If you can afford it, seek medical attention promptly.

That's just it. The kind of healthcare theprestige is for he can't afford right now. But he knows someday if he works really really hard unlike all the other lazy people he'll be able the afford the best care on earth. Even in Europe somewhere should he need it. He's gonna be a big success. That is if he doesn't die first. Man that dream is taken longer and longer ain't it? Life really is a bitch. These days anyway. Oh Ho say can you seeeeee....? Oh nevermind.

 

[theprestige]

You wonder what the joke is? Seriously?

It was more of a conversational gambit, actually.

If you can afford it, seek medical attention promptly.

Hey, I'm not the one who sees mild rhetorical banter as a sign of mental illness. Psychiatrist, diagnose thyself.

That's just it. The kind of healthcare theprestige is for he can't afford right now. But he knows someday if he works really really hard unlike all the other lazy people he'll be able the afford the best care on earth. Even in Europe somewhere should he need it. He's gonna be a big success. That is if he doesn't die first. Man that dream is taken longer and longer ain't it? Life really is a bitch. These days anyway. Oh Ho say can you seeeeee....? Oh nevermind.

Actually, I've had that kind of health care all my life. And I still have plenty of time and money left over to spend on other things, too.