"God's total quality management questionnaire"

[Mercutio]

I just got this in my email today--it had been stripped of any original source, so if anyone knows whom I should be crediting for this, please speak up.

I post it here rather than in Humor because I found it a very non-threatening way to (via spam) remind people that their own particular god is not the only game in town.

God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.


1. How did you find out about God?

___ Newspaper

___ Bible

___ Torah

___ Book of Mormon

___ Koran

___ Other Book

___ Television

___ Divine Inspiration

___ Word of mouth

___ Dead Sea scrolls

___ My mama done tol' me

___ Near Death Experience

___ Near-life experience

___ National Public Radio

___ Tabloid

___ Burning Shrubbery

___ Who?

___ Other (specify): _____________


2. Which model God did you acquire?

___ Yahweh

___ Jehovah

___ Allah

___ Just plain God

___ Krishna

___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pak)

___ Zeus and entourage (Olympus Pak)

___ Odin and entourage (Valhalla Pak)

___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature

___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false God


3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?

__ Yes

__ No


If not, please describe the problems you initially encountered here.
Please indicate all that apply:

___ Not eternal

___ Not omniscient

___ Not omnipotent

___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe

___ Permits sex outside of marriage

___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage

___ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)

___ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched

___ Requires burnt offerings

___ Requires virgin sacrifices

___ Plays dice with the universe


4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a God? (Please check all that apply.)

___ Indoctrinated by parents

___ Needed a reason to live

___ Indoctrinated by society

___ Needed target for rage

___ Imaginary friend grew up

___ Hate to think for self

___ Wanted to meet girls/boys

___ Fear of death

___ To piss off parents

___ Needed a day away from work

___ Enjoy organ music

___ Needed focus on whom to despise

___ Needed to feel morally superior

___ Graduated from the tooth fairy

___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it


5. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? (Please check all that apply.)

__ Self-help books

__ Tarot, Astrology

__ Star Trek re-runs

__ Fortune cookies

__ Ann Landers

__ Psychic Friends Network

__ Dianetics

__ Playboy and/or Playgirl

__ Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll

__ Biorhythms

__ EST

__ Television

__ Mantras

__ Jimmy Swaggart

__ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)

__ Human Sacrifice

__ Wandering around in desert

__ Burning shrubbery

__ Other:_____________________


6. Have you ever worshipped a false God before? If so, which false God were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.

___ Odin

___ Cthulhu

___ Lottery

___ Baal

___ Beelzebub

___ The Almighty Dollar

___ The Conservative Right

___ Mick Jagger

___ Bill Gates

___ The Great Pumpkin

___ Ronald Reagan

___ A burning cabbage

___ mushrooms

___ Other: ________________


7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer..?
(circle one)

a. More Divine Intervention

b. Less Divine Intervention

c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right

d. Don't know - what's Divine Intervention?


8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 to 5 God's handling of the following:
(1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent):

Disaster:

1 2 3 4 5 flood

1 2 3 4 5 famine

1 2 3 4 5 earthquake

1 2 3 4 5 war

1 2 3 4 5 pestilence

1 2 3 4 5 plague

1 2 3 4 5 AOL

1 2 3 4 5 Republican Congress

1 2 3 4 5 Jerry Lewis

1 2 3 4 5 Dubya

Thank you for your time and consideration.

The God Total Management Team.

 

[Marquis de Carabas]

 

[DarkMagician]

Yep, Mercutio has won the internet.

 

[Iacchus]

Is it wholly a matter of choice? No. But then again, since it's all relative, why can't we observe God in the relative sense as well?

 

[hgc]

Is it wholly a matter of choice? No. But then again, since it's all relative, why can't we observe God in the relative sense as well?

Did you even bother to fill out the questionnaire before getting all non sequitur with it?

 

[Iacchus]

Did you even bother to fill out the questionnaire before getting all non sequitur with it?

Did anybody else? Looks like your typical, "We thank you for your patronage" solicitation anyway.

 

[uruk]

But relatvisticaly speaking god becomes a specific choice to the individual. So specificity only becomes relativistic if an individual is traveling to a church or synagog or temple at speeds approaching C. To others in a different relativistc god reference frame would see his specific choice in a relativistic sense, but He would see his choice as specific. Hence the cranial/rectal inversion paradox.

 

[Iacchus]

But relatvisticaly speaking god becomes a specific choice to the individual. So specificity only becomes relativistic if an individual is traveling to a church or synagog or temple at speeds approaching C. To others in a different relativistc god reference frame would see his specific choice in a relativistic sense, but He would see his choice as specific. Hence the cranial/rectal inversion paradox.

People have no choice but to choose what their experience dictates to them. This is the only thing which makes it relative.

 

[uruk]

People have no choice but to choose what their experience dictates to them. This is the only thing which makes it relative.

Yes, But wouldn't people who are sharing the same relavistic god reference frame have the same specific experiance which would dictate them to make similar choices?
God is only relative to people in differening god refrence frames.

 

[Iacchus]

Yes, But wouldn't people who are sharing the same relavistic god reference frame have the same specific experiance which would dictate them to make similar choices?
God is only relative to people in differening god refrence frames.

"If" God exits, and God were absolute, it doesn't really matter "what" you believe. The same thing would apply to whatever standard you base reality on.

 

[Mercutio]

People have no choice but to choose what their experience dictates to them. This is the only thing which makes it relative.

You do realize that this statement denies the possibility of free will. Just thought I'd point that out, in case there was the remotest possibility that you cared whether you were consistent or not.

 

[uruk]

"If" God exits, and God were absolute, it doesn't really matter "what" you believe. The same thing would apply to whatever standard you base reality on.

If god is absolute then god would appear to be the same for all god refrence frames and no one would have relative views of god. But this has not been shown to be the case.
The evidence shows that only belief is absolute, so therefore god is relative. This would be the special theory of theological relativity.

 

[Iacchus]

You do realize that this statement denies the possibility of free will. Just thought I'd point that out, in case there was the remotest possibility that you cared whether you were consistent or not.

Unless of course determinism stems from an original choice or, "chooser." If God the Creator was based upon free will, then everything which is closest to God (the human psyche for example) would exhibit these qualities, while everything which is furthest away (the human psyche again too) would exhibit the qualities of determinism.

 

[Iacchus]

You do realize that this statement denies the possibility of free will. Just thought I'd point that out, in case there was the remotest possibility that you cared whether you were consistent or not.

Unless of course determinism stems from an original choice or, "chooser." If God the Creator was based upon free will, then everything which is closest to God (the human psyche for example) would exhibit these qualities, while everything which is furthest away (the human psyche again too) would exhibit the qualities of determinism.

While it's for this very reason that it's unlikey we will discover who God is in the materialistic sense, for it has little or nothing to do with the essence of God, which is spiritual ... where "matter" entails its furthest outcropping.

 

[Mercutio]

Unless of course determinism stems from an original choice or, "chooser." If God the Creator was based upon free will, then everything which is closest to God (the human psyche for example) would exhibit these qualities, while everything which is furthest away (the human psyche again too) would exhibit the qualities of determinism.

LOL So... even you have no idea what you are saying. It is posts like this one which make me think you don't really believe any of what you post.

Nice try, though. Having made a determinist claim (and having been caught at it) after making mostly free-will claims (flying in the face of your belief in an omnipotent god, but who's counting?), you now try to show that these polar opposite claims are one and the same. Nearest and furthest from god is human...right.

So...following up on hgc's question...have you read the actual OP yet? You imply, in response to his question, that you had not at that point. Have you yet?

 

[Iacchus]

So...following up on hgc's question...have you read the actual OP yet? You imply, in response to his question, that you had not at that point. Have you yet?

Enough to get the jist of it. It sounds very much to me like a mockery of this "make believe God" which "panders" to His constintuency. All I'm saying is that if God is the basis for reality, then God is basis for all beliefs, whether they entail a belief in God or not.

 

[Pahansiri]

Enough to get the jist of it. It sounds very much to me like a mockery of this "make believe God" which "panders" to His constintuency. All I'm saying is that if God is the basis for reality, then God is basis for all beliefs, whether they entail a belief in God or not.

And if God is not the basis for reality, then God is not basis for all beliefs, whether they entail a belief in God or not.

 

[Iacchus]

LOL So... even you have no idea what you are saying. It is posts like this one which make me think you don't really believe any of what you post.

Nice try, though. Having made a determinist claim (and having been caught at it) after making mostly free-will claims (flying in the face of your belief in an omnipotent god, but who's counting?), you now try to show that these polar opposite claims are one and the same. Nearest and furthest from god is human...right.

I think the correct term here would be compatiblism. And, did you read the second part to my reply above? Another way to put this would be to say that matter is the furthest away from intent and, that intent which, proceeds from the will, is spiritual. Therefore if you are strictly a materialist which, obviously I am not, there is no such possibility for free will and, all you can have is determinism.

 

[Iacchus]

And if God is not the basis for reality, then God is not basis for all beliefs, whether they entail a belief in God or not.

Absolutely.

 

[Pahansiri]

Absolutely.

And so there seems no proof of a God of any type and it is at least at this time a belief, the holder of such a belief and the non holders of such a belief should all give the same respect that seek. No one should seek to force their belief on another, tell others they are lost or wrong for their belief or non belief.

If one dose choose to demand truth either way they must expect and offer up proof. And of course answer questions