Zep said:
Hey, wouldn't it be fun to have jzs on a PC helpdesk?
Ever heard the phrase, "be careful what you wish for"?
Transcript of PC Helpdesk Conversation. A caller calls into a PC help desk manned by jzs:
caller: Uh..,hi...,I just wanted to say my PC isn't working can you help me?
jzs: Do you have evidence to support your claim?
caller: Huh? What claim? I just wanted to report that my PC wasn't working!
jzs: That is a claim. Do you have evidence to support it?
caller: What? Look, I just tested it and it wasn't working O.K.?
jzs: How did you test it?
caller: I switched it on and it passed the self-test but then it just stopped.
jzs: It passed the self-test therefore it's calibrated.
caller; Huh? Calibrated? I couldn't give a **** about whether it's calibrated, it's not working!
jzs: Do you have evidence to support your claim?
caller: Oh jeez...
jzs: Ad hom
caller: I don't care about your sexual preferences, what about my computer?
jzs: Ad hom
caller: Look, let's start again. My computer passes self-test but doesn't work otherwise, O.K.?
jzs: Your computer is calibrated. Do you have evidence to support your claim?
caller: You want me to provide evidence that my computer doesn't work?
jzs: Yes.
caller: Well, gee, it's right here in front of me and it isn't working! Do you want me to prove the sun is shining?
jzs: Yes.
caller: "Yes" what? You really want me to prove the sun is shining?
jzs: Yes.
caller: Why?
jzs: Evasion noted.
caller: Oh for christ's sake just look out the window!
jzs: Irrelevant. Do you have evidence to support your claim?
caller: (sarcastically) Which one? The one about the computer or the sun shining?
jzs: So you admit you made a claim. Both of them.
caller: Is there any point to this? This is a computer help line and you are supposed to be helping me!
jzs: Do you have evidence to support that claim Claus?
caller: Claus? Who's Claus? My name is Steve!
jzs: Do you have evidence to support your claim Claus?
caller: My name isn't Claus!
jzs: Why won't you just admit it Claus?
caller: Look,
please just help me with my PC, I've just faxed you my ID, my name is Steve Jones, O.K.
jzs: Irrelevant Claus. Do you have evidence to support your claim?
caller: O.K. O.K. my name is Claus, happy now? Now will you just help me with my PC,
please?
jzs: Thank you for admitting your error.
caller: Whatever.
Now can we get back to the PC, it's not working, remember?
jzs: Do you have evidence to support your claim Claus?
caller: "^E*()^^Q"£^&^%&^$"%£$$$$"(())"__"!!!!!!
jzs: Ad hom
caller: Look, if I fax you the complete schematics of the PC, a detailed 200 page description of every single thing that has ever been done with it, the expert testimonies of 1000 computer engineers that it's not working, documentary evidence that it was run over by a truck etc., would you just
possibly be prepared to accept that it's not friggin' working?
jzs: No. Irrelevant Claus.
caller: Sigh...O.K. Why do
you think it
is working?
jzs: Because it's calibrated.
caller: How does that prove it's working?
jzs: That is the definition of working, "calibrated" means it's working.
caller: You told me before that "calibrated" meant it passed the power on self-test.
jzs: Irrelevant Claus.
caller: Not very consistent are you?
jzs: Ad hom.
caller: O.K. I'm losing it, are you going to help me with my computer or not?
jzs: Yes Claus.
caller: Thank God for that! I'm glad you finally agree to help me!
jzs: Would you please show me where I said that Claus?
caller: You just said it!!!!! And why are you obsessed with Claus?
jzs: I'm not obsessed with Claus, Claus. And where did I say I would help you?
caller: Aaaarggghhh! I said, "are you going to help me with my computer or not" and you said, "Yes". O.K.?
jzs: Claus, you said, "are you going to help me with my computer or not" and I said, "Yes", meaning, "or not".
caller: Oh Christ! Why won't you help me?
jzs: Why should I?
caller: Because you are the PC help and support line, that's why!!!!
jzs: Do you have evidence to support that claim Claus?
caller: (strangled cry of desperation followed by click of phone hanging up)
And now for something completely different. A news flash, just in from CNN.
Camera pans to a scene outside an office building where police are bundling a giggling and twitching man in a straitjacket into a police car...
CNN Reporter: I'm reporting from the scene of a brutal slaying in Oregon. As you can see the police have the situation under control and have arrested the suspect. Details are still coming in but it appears that the suspect, one Steve Jones, broke into the offices of a PC supplier and gunned down one of their support personnel by firing 300 rounds into him at point blank range with a fully automatic rifle. People here are shocked, and the police say that it appears to be a motiveless killing, although they believe that the gunman is in fact clinically insane because he keeps giggling and twitching and insisting his name is "Claus". Police have stated that although the victim has not been formally identified, they believe him to be one Justin Smith. Little is known about Mr Smith so I'm going to try and catch one of his work colleagues...
Camera pans to a man who is giggling and twitching.
CNN Reporter: I believe you knew Mr Smith and worked with him for some time? You surely have some idea of the kind of person he was and the effect he had on people?
man: Yes.
CNN Reporter: And your name is?
man: Claus.
CNN Reporter: That's strange, the suspect insists his name is Claus too!
man: Everybody's name is Claus.
CNN Reporter: Mine isn't!
man: Do you have evidence to support your claim?
CNN Reporter: What? What claim?
You claimed everybody's name is Claus!
man: Do you have evidence to support that claim?
......
