Steven Howard
Graduate Poster
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 1,797
You know how sometimes, some of the stories in the Bible seem to kind of have ... the wrong message? As in, if somebody really acted the way God tells people in the Bible to act, you'd think they were a dangerous loon? Well, I thought somebody should do something about that, and maybe revise some of these stories to have a more positive and pro-social theme. Like changing the guns in E.T. into walkie-talkies, only with more talking animals and less product placement.
In that vein, I present my version of Genesis 22. The best version of the original story is, of course, the first verse of Bob Dylan's song "Highway 61 Revisited", which goes:
God said to Abraham, Kill me your son
Abe said, Man you must be putting me on
God said Yo! Abe said What?
God said you can do what you want, Abe, but
The next time you see me comin', you better run
Abe said, Where you want this killin' done?
God said, Out on Highway 61
Here's how it should go:
And it came to pass after these things, that God did tempt Abraham, and said unto him, Abraham: and he said, Behold, here I am. And he said, Take now thy son, thine only son Isaac, whom thou lovest, and get thee into the land of Moriah; and offer him there for a burnt offering upon one of the mountains which I will tell thee of.
And Abraham said unto the LORD, Get thee bent. And God was much vexed with Abraham; and waxed very wroth; and his countenance grew cloudy. And God said unto Abraham: What didst thou say? But Abraham was much angered at this evil the LORD would have him do, and said unto him, Thou heard me; get thee bent. And he cursed the name of the LORD and said unto him again, Go forth and multiply with thyself, LORD.
And so God did wax even more wroth; and his eyes did flash with anger; and steam did pour forth from his ears with a mighty whistling sound like unto forty tea kettles. And he spoke a third time unto him, Abraham, saying, Look, you man, I am the LORD your God. Dost thou not recall how I hath laid the divine smackdown on Sodom and Gomorrah, just a couple of chapters back? Did I not beset Pharaoh and the Egyptians with plagues, a chapter or two before that? Hast thou no fear of thy God? Wilt thou defy me and suffer my wrath?
But Abraham heeded not the words of God, and said unto him, What wilt thou do, O LORD? Wilt thou strike me blind, or deaf? Wilt thou visit me with plagues and boils and fevers and have me set upon by wild beasts? Wilt thou slay me as thou didst slay all of Sodom and Gomorrah who were wicked in thy sight? How wouldst thou punish me, that was worse than to make me my son's murderer?
And God saw that Abraham was resolute, and that his words were just; and further he saw that Abraham's love for his son Isaac was stronger than his fear of the LORD. And he spoke once more unto Abraham, saying Blessed are you, Abraham, whose love is stronger than fear, even fear of the LORD your God. For thou hast thought for thyself, and stood up to God, instead of just blindly following orders like some mook.
And Abraham's anger with God did abate, and he said unto him, Thou hadst me going there, O LORD. And he asked him, What wouldst thou have done if I obeyed thee? And God laughed and said unto Abraham, Verily, I would have sent an angel of the LORD to stop thee from sacrificing thy own son. What kind of God dost thou think I am? But Abraham thought it wise not to answer that, and didst change the subject, saying unto him, LORD, all who hear it are much entertained by the tale of how thou sent plagues upon the house of Pharaoh back in Chapter 19. Perhaps thou couldst do something like that again in the next book, and thou shouldst go into more detail on the nature of the plagues this time.
In that vein, I present my version of Genesis 22. The best version of the original story is, of course, the first verse of Bob Dylan's song "Highway 61 Revisited", which goes:
God said to Abraham, Kill me your son
Abe said, Man you must be putting me on
God said Yo! Abe said What?
God said you can do what you want, Abe, but
The next time you see me comin', you better run
Abe said, Where you want this killin' done?
God said, Out on Highway 61
Here's how it should go:
And it came to pass after these things, that God did tempt Abraham, and said unto him, Abraham: and he said, Behold, here I am. And he said, Take now thy son, thine only son Isaac, whom thou lovest, and get thee into the land of Moriah; and offer him there for a burnt offering upon one of the mountains which I will tell thee of.
And Abraham said unto the LORD, Get thee bent. And God was much vexed with Abraham; and waxed very wroth; and his countenance grew cloudy. And God said unto Abraham: What didst thou say? But Abraham was much angered at this evil the LORD would have him do, and said unto him, Thou heard me; get thee bent. And he cursed the name of the LORD and said unto him again, Go forth and multiply with thyself, LORD.
And so God did wax even more wroth; and his eyes did flash with anger; and steam did pour forth from his ears with a mighty whistling sound like unto forty tea kettles. And he spoke a third time unto him, Abraham, saying, Look, you man, I am the LORD your God. Dost thou not recall how I hath laid the divine smackdown on Sodom and Gomorrah, just a couple of chapters back? Did I not beset Pharaoh and the Egyptians with plagues, a chapter or two before that? Hast thou no fear of thy God? Wilt thou defy me and suffer my wrath?
But Abraham heeded not the words of God, and said unto him, What wilt thou do, O LORD? Wilt thou strike me blind, or deaf? Wilt thou visit me with plagues and boils and fevers and have me set upon by wild beasts? Wilt thou slay me as thou didst slay all of Sodom and Gomorrah who were wicked in thy sight? How wouldst thou punish me, that was worse than to make me my son's murderer?
And God saw that Abraham was resolute, and that his words were just; and further he saw that Abraham's love for his son Isaac was stronger than his fear of the LORD. And he spoke once more unto Abraham, saying Blessed are you, Abraham, whose love is stronger than fear, even fear of the LORD your God. For thou hast thought for thyself, and stood up to God, instead of just blindly following orders like some mook.
And Abraham's anger with God did abate, and he said unto him, Thou hadst me going there, O LORD. And he asked him, What wouldst thou have done if I obeyed thee? And God laughed and said unto Abraham, Verily, I would have sent an angel of the LORD to stop thee from sacrificing thy own son. What kind of God dost thou think I am? But Abraham thought it wise not to answer that, and didst change the subject, saying unto him, LORD, all who hear it are much entertained by the tale of how thou sent plagues upon the house of Pharaoh back in Chapter 19. Perhaps thou couldst do something like that again in the next book, and thou shouldst go into more detail on the nature of the plagues this time.
