Strange News From The Monkey House
This is for every creationist who has ever demanded proof of the theory of
evolution in the form of ‘a monkey turning into a man”; an observation
which would of course destroy the theory of evolution at a single stroke.
The tigers were resting; the penguins were feeding;
the snakes were digesting; the rabbits were breeding;
the keepers caught up on a bit of light reading —
a typical day at the zoo.
You’d never have thought there was trouble a-brewing:
just birds in their birdcages billing and cooing,
and platypods ploddingly, placidly doing
whatever it is that they do.
Giraffes in the distance were peacefully looming;
the sloths took it easy; the flowers were blooming;
the monkeys were eating bananas or grooming;
and that’s when the trouble began:
for the witnesses swear (there’s a dozen at least)
they saw one of the monkeys break off from the feast,
and a puzzled expression came over the beast —
and then it turned into a man.
The press and the media grew very excited;
they quoted the monkey (it said “I’m delighted”,
then sniffed at the mike and attempted to bite it)
but public reaction was mixed.
The scientists cried in despair and frustration
“We’re baffled completely; for your information,
all theory and practice forbids a saltation
without a between and betwixt.”
But all the creationists said “We’ve repented!
We’re fond of the theory that Darwin invented;
we can’t understand how we came to resent it,
and Darwin, we think, is a saint.”
The scientists cried “It’s a shame and a wonder
that Darwin could make such an asinine blunder!
This tears all his theories and theses asunder,
‘cos germ-line mutation, it ain’t!”
But all the creationists gave their opinion:
‘All nature, we’re sure, is completely Darwinian,
and when we said Darwin was Lucifer’s minion
we ought to have showed more respect.”
The scientists cried “What a strange situation:
this uppity monkey defies explanation!
We’d never have dreamed a somatic mutation
could possibly have this effect!”
The fundies replied: “You are owed an apology:
seems the biologists knew their biology.
You do the science; we’ll stick to theology —
say, can we buy you a drink?”
The scientists cried “This is perfectly frightful!
Our theory was neither profound nor insightful.
We used to find monkeys completely delightful —
but not when they stand up and think.”
ENVOI:
The monkey agreed to appear on the news
which was only polite; it could hardly refuse)
and to share with the public its thoughts and its views,
and the gist of its statement was thus:
“I’m as baffled as you, and I just can’t explain
how I came to stand up and develop a brain,
but I promise you never to do it again,
and I’m sorry I caused all the fuss.”
