But this conclusion makes for an odd sentence: "I'm certain that there is an 80% chance that Thumper is white." This seems unusual but I don't know.
It is indeed. You're looking at the wrong part of the sentence, though. Don't focus on "certain." Focus on what it means for there to be an 80% chance that Thumper is white.
Let me give you an example. Based on demographic statistics, about 51% of the American population is female. From that, may I conclude that you have a 51% chance of being female?
What does it mean for you to "have a 51% chance of being female"? Would your mother also agree that you had a 51% chance of being female? She doesn't know whether or not you'll show up in at her house for Thanksgiving dinner wearing a bra or not, because there's a 51% chance that you're female?
Most statisticians would accept that you're either female or you aren't, but the idea of assigning a "probability" to that statement doesn't make much sense.
From a traditional (frequentist) perspective, "probability" only makes sense when applied to repeated or repeatable events. E.g. we can talk about the probability of drawing a white marble from the bag, but not the probability of the French Revolution. From a Bayesian perspective, "probability" is not a property of the object but of our knowledge of the object -- i.e. we can say that we are 80% confident that a statement is true given what we know about the world, but the world still is what it is and the statement is either true or false. (And two different people would assess the probability differently, because they know different things.)