arcticpenguin said:
That wasn't very interesting, make something up.
The reason is quite "unusual". Skip this post if you are offended by any of the following: Sex, drugs, violence, genocide, immorality, abuse, public defication, evil, or obscene graphic imagery.
I was sitting naked in the living one day, and I was praying to a cat statue. Well, as I was sliding the razor across my skin (its part of the cermony), I musta hit some vein or artery cuz I got real cold and passed out.
I lost a lot of blood, and before I know it, I'm flying in the sky. For several minutes, it was utter euphoria, then I see the hand of god, I fly toward the hand... a few minutes later the hand forms into the shape of a middle finger and my sorry self falls straight to Hell.
So I'm in Hell, right, and its hot as Hell (hard to imagine). I see thousands of damned souls working in a huge sweat shop, every movement completely autonomous and in unison, and I think to myself "This is pretty cool!".
Satan says "Welcome to Hell! Care for piña colada?". I LOVE piña coladas!
Well, I have to say, after a few drinks or so with Satan, I had got myself properly trashed. I dont know why, I just said it out of nowhere, I said "Satan, I been trying to ignore it but Jesus f**king Christ, calm yourself down, you've been sportin' wood all night and you're knocking ◊◊◊◊ off the table". Satan didnt take to kindly to that (apparently its really bad to say the "J" word in Hell).
So Satan tells me I have a drinking problem. No, I dont have a
drinking problem, I do have a problem with a guy who cant control his own gurth and sexual prowess.
I sober up and Satan says he appreciates how dedicated I am feasting on the blood of Christians and how devoted to the Satanic revelution, he decides to resurrect me.
Few seconds later, my wife is standing over me and she's shocked, she thought I had died. I hadnt the time to tell her my death story because the child (whom we lured into the house with promise of gingerbread cookies) was making an obnoxious amount of noise. You wouldnt think kids could scream so loud in terror... go figure.
Later that night I told her all about the story. I dont remember ever getting one of them, but I suddenly remembered I had a souvenir "I died and went to Hell and all I got was this lousy mug" novelty coffee mug. My wife really appreciates a good mug. And this one is cool because cold beverages stay cold and hot beverages stay hot, I love technology!
Over the next few days, little surprises started appearing all over the place. Sometimes I'd put my keys on the table, then I'd find them on the couch, othertimes I'd open a closet I wouldnt see the normal closet instead I see a whirling spiraling vortex of mystical origins. I discovered I had a few powers of my own also. Heh heh, silly me, I also want to be a prankster, I started a little mini-Armageddon at the mall. I had mind control also, its pretty cool, I made a hobo stick a needle in his arm and inject himself with his own urine. I'm such a crazy Yahweh.
Some time later, my wife and I began chatting. And I remembered, I could make the best piña coladas this side of Spiritual horizon. Later that night, a couple stopped by the house asking about their missing boy. What, I dont care about their problems, go away you whiney babies. Next thing you know, the floor in my kitchen falls out, and through the hole a-comes that Satan. My wife was star struck, she's always wanted to meet
the Dark Unholy Prince himself, Satan.
To make a long story short, that rapture isnt what you think, stupid people suck, polygraphs are inaccurate, and Mormons and Wiccans are one in the same.
(Vote Yahweh for Post of the Year!)
