A Modest Proposal on Campaign Finance Reform
and how campaign financing can be made both more useful and more entertaining.
Nowadays, the hot subject of reforming our present "legal bribery" system of financing campaigns for elected office seem to be bogged down in a fixation on somehow getting corporate money out of the electoral process, and somehow ending the candidates' dependence on super-expensive broadcast media, thus theoretically freeing them from the need to suck up PAC money like Dracula after a stroll through the Gobi. This is a great idea, and as long as we're dreaming, I'd like a pony and an ice cream soda, please.
It should be obvious that our glorious elected leaders are never going to take any action that might make the free-flowing money tit inaccessible to them, or might make the political playing field even the tiniest bit less tilted towards them that's already got. It's just not gonna happen, folks.
What we really need to be asking is whether this ideal of an honest campaign between unbought politicians based on their beliefs about the best way to deal with the issues facing our society is what we want. I don't think it is.
First, there is no such thing as an unbought politician. There never has been. The only reason the way these clucks sell themselves has intruded into the national consciousness is that the market has undergone an inflation that would have been noteworthy in Berlin in 1923. It attracts our attention the same way that the stock market does- by becoming so overpriced that the ordinary viewer just has to marvel at the wonder of it all.
Second, no modern politician has any beliefs about the issues. If one does have deeply and sincerely held opinions it's an almost sure sign that he's some sort of nutcase who's fanatical enough to have acquired the sort of immunity to modern opinion poll pimping that Rasputin had to the cyanide in the teacakes.
So, if we can't depend on our leaders to think for themselves instead of having their relevant opinions spoon-fed to them by their sponsors and the irrelevant ones by pollsters, then how can we evaluate what they're likely to do if elected? That surely is the relevant question- "If we give this guy the keys to the national T-bird, we know he isn't going to the library like he said, but where is he going to go, and what'll it cost us to get the car back from the cops?"
The likely answer is to find out WHO OWNS HIM. Mark Twain's Sammy had it right when he said "You tell me where a man gits his corn pone an' I'll tell you what his 'pinions is". Knowing whether we're voting for Archer Daniels Midland or for Philip Morris would be a much better predictor of what policies we're likely to get. The trouble with this approach under our present system is digging up the information. Sure, you can find out a lot through FEC filings, but finding and interpreting the relevant data is mighty dry work. Who among the voting public really wants to spend their time shoveling through FECes for nothing? Hell, isn't that sort of thing what we have illegal aliens for?
Fortunately, there really is a simple solution, one which can be seen at any golf tournament or stock car race. Have you ever noticed how every available square inch of a racing car, it's driver and pit crew is covered with company logos? Or that some golf pros actually sell space on their shoes, so that when the camera zooms in on the ball as they make a putt it gets a good look at the sponsor's logo? It's a simple deal- the driver/player gets the money to pursue their activity and the sponsor gets it's chosen image displayed on something that a lot of people are going to be looking at. It's really just another billboard- nothing to get exercised about, right?
So let‚s make the politicians do the same thing. Cut off all- and I do mean ALL- campaign "contributions". No more money from that source, boys. In return, give the candidates completely unlimited rights to sell advertising space, on themselves, their staffs, their bodyguards, their podium- anything that might get some camera time. And while we're at it, let's let the parties do the same thing. The usual boring convention footage might be enlivened if the entire hall were covered with advertising signs the way a racetrack or ballfield is. And just imagine, say, Al Gore with a nice big, say, "Microsoft" logo on his back. Or on his forehead. It might actually make Ol' Plastic Man watchable, especially if modern technology could animate it, which nothing on earth could ever do for him.
Accomodating the money-stuffed individuals who have been among our biggest customers at the pol-buying market could be a little difficult. After all, most indivdual investors don't have personal logos or other convenient trademarks. The way to deal with this can be seen at pretty much any hospital or educational institution. Those "The Myron J. and Shirlee F.X. Fenstergoobler Cancer Pavilion" (or library, gymnasium, etc.) signs can be adapted into a tasteful bronze plaque reading something like "The Marvin Hackleshmackle Memorial Presidential Candidate" For smaller donors, a little enameled metal plate like the ones on the benches in Philadelphia's Rittenhouse Square, identifying the donor or person memorialized should fill the bill.
Political advertising on TV will change as well, although the idea of an advertisment paid for by selling ad space might seem a little incongruous. The important thing is that each candidate or party's ads clearly identify who is sponsoring the campaign, the exact method can be left up to the candidate. Some might go for a low-key, PBS-like approach.e.g. "This candidate is brought to you by Mobil Corporation, who invite you to join them in supporting public policymaking", in a phony quasi-British accent. Others might find more inspiration in the "Crazy Eddie" genre. It's up to them- quiet sponsorship message or screaming ad within an ad, the point's the same.
The point is that when we look at a candidate for office, we'll know just what interests they really represent and just who's getting set for a rush to the public trough if they win. And, all of this can be accomplished in a way that's clear, unambiguous, entertaining, promotes the improvement of commercial art and graphics, will probably make most of the candidates look a LOT better and shouldn't run afoul of the current "buying politicians is a form of free speech" mindset of our judiciary. After all, we won't be preventing moneyed interests from participating in the great slave market of ideas, we won't be imposing a pile of niggling regulations and their attendant loopholes or doing anything else that even Chief Justice Freisler could find a coherent objection to. What is freer speech than buying space on a billboard- even a walking one?
So let's do it. When the pols have to wear their ownership on their sleeves, literally, not only will we be a lot better informed about what we‚re voting for, but perhaps some of them might even wind up exercising some good taste in whom they sell out to.