Being bullied

[Lyrandar]

I can understand a lot of this. I was the quiet, nerdy, intelligent kid in most of my middle school classes. Between that and the fact that I've always been kind of physically weak, some kids looked down on me. It never got very bad; there were some instances of favoritism on the bus (bus driver's daughter always got the seat she wanted, even if I was sitting in it) and teasing by some of the other kids in my middle school, but there was never any physical harm. I do feel that it did some continuing damage in that I've very hesitant, shy, and slow to truly trust and feel comfortable around people, though.

One of the major memories I have was in 6th grade when one other kid and I got into a verbal argument after he started teasing me. To this day I am grateful to my homeroom teacher who pointed out to me, later, that me being arrogant and condescending to him wasn't helping. Whether my current attitudes of avoiding conflict and always attempting to avoid giving offense are entirely good is debatable, but I do feel it's better than the alternative.

 

[billw]

I've seen people from my old school on the alumni page on Facebook talk about what a great school it was and what great memories they have. (I'm not linked to it and don't have my maiden name up there, because I have no desire to have contact with them, but I did lurk out of morbid curiosity.) They might say the same things you do. Because all the bullying mattered very much to me, but very little to them. They were just having fun, so what's to remember?

I heard someone say the following to someone else at my 25th high school reunion:

Maybe most people here don't remember, or want to remember how mean they were to you in school. But I remember, and if I was one of those people, I'm sorry.

 

[Delscottio]

Some of you may find Ben Eltons book Past Mortem satisfying...

I didn't get bullied at school but I have been at work by one particular person - the most evil bitch I have ever met. That was one of the worst periods of my life, I was in constant fear of the sack / investigations (her husband happened to be the internal investigations manager). What made it worse was when I did go to see her boss I was the one moved! Worth it but I did actually enjoy that job.

 

[cienaños]

I only remember being bullied once. It was 6th or 7th grade, I forget which class, but this kid that sat behind me for some reason decided he didn't like me. One day in class, he started flicking my ears. Did it probably 10-12 times during that class. The next day before class, I calmly explained to him that every time he flicked my ears, I would stab him in the leg with my pen. Sure enough, about 5 minutes into class, he flicked my ear. I reached down and behind and stabbed him in the leg. I don't know if I broke skin or not, but I heard him cussing under his breath. He never bothered me again.

2nd grade-ish. Breakfast in the cafeteria. It's packed, maybe 8 minutes to the bell. Cynthia, my crush is wearing my favorite yellow dress. So pretty.

Just then, "Roger," gets in my face, palms the side of my head, and shoves it. Totally embarrasses me in front of pretty Cynthia. But, Roger's bigger than me. So I don't do much. Plus he has the face of an adult dog. So I wait. Finally, the bell rings, I jump up and pour my chocolate milk on his head.

And although I ran for my life after that, somehow we both ended up in the principals office.

 

[slingblade]

I still get bullied. I'm fifty-freaking-one years old, and they're still here, still working it.

Part of what went wrong when I failed my student teaching was when my Fundie mentor teacher found out I'm atheist, and turned into a bully instead of the support she'd been. She got me alone in our classroom, and began "having a talk with me," which quickly escalated into her screaming at me, and doing that slow, threatening walk they do, while they're screaming, staring you down, daring you to speak up...

And I swear, I just sat there, frozen, suddenly 9 years old again and just as at a loss to know how to stop it as I was back then. I was also amazed that real grown-ups did this to each other, even though I know they do, but...screaming at your protege?


This past Wednesday, I got it again, from my supervisor at work. When I came in, I checked carefully for available work, and could find none. There was no work waiting for review; the computers were all occupied; and it was too early to start making calls on work that needed correction. I asked those already working if they needed any help? "Nope." Was there any work they knew of I could do? "Nope." Okay. I hunted up my supervisor, said good morning, and explained I needed a task.

For the next, oh, three to five minutes--and I mean that quite literally--she kind of sang a little song of outraged, incredulous, top-of-her-lungs yelling. It went from cries of "Really? Really?" (much like Kyle in that 9/11 South Park episode, but very strident and loud) "you can't find any work? Really? Really?" to a chorus of "No, no, I'm just surprised, I'm surprised. I'm really surprised. Really? Really? You can't find anything, with every thing we have to do, really? Really? No, I'm just surprised, is all. I'm surprised, I'm really surprised. Really? Really? Seriously? You can't find anything, with every thing we have to do, really? Really? No, I'm just surprised, is all. I'm surprised, I'm really surprised. Really? Really? Seriously? You can't find anything, with every thing we have to do, really? Really? No, I'm just surprised, is all. I'm surprised, I'm really surprised. Really? Really? Seriously? You can't find ..."

I hope you can imagine all that, so as to imagine my horror. There's this woman, maybe 10 years younger than me, and there's also several of my co-workers, and she's sitting there, glaring up at me with this exaggerated look of shock, screaming "REALLY?" at me for minutes.

I tried in her first outburst to explain the steps I'd taken to find work, but that's when she added the "Surprised Chorus," and she just went on and on and on and on and on and on and on...

At one point, I said in a moderate tone, "Is this really necessary? Can't you just tell me what you'd like me to work on?" But she screamed right over me.... Eventually, she got up, told me to go get some work and use her computer, which I should have known I could use, what was wrong with me? It ruined the rest of my day. Hell, my week.


Sometimes, it's like they sense you, can smell you, your kind....Les Vulnerables....it's weird. And not fun.

 

[cienaños]

Les Vulnerables
music and lyrics by Supervisor at Work

you can't find any work? Really? Really?

No, no, I'm just surprised,
I'm surprised. I'm really surprised. Really? Really?
You can't find anything, with every thing we have to do, really? Really?

No, I'm just surprised, is all.
I'm surprised, I'm really surprised. Really? Really? Seriously?
You can't find anything, with every thing we have to do, really? Really?

No, I'm just surprised, is all.
I'm surprised, I'm really surprised. Really? Really? Seriously?
You can't find anything, with every thing we have to do, really? Really?

No, I'm just surprised, is all. I'm surprised, I'm really surprised. Really? Really? Seriously? You can't find anything, with every thing we have to do, really? Really?

stage directions: Supervisor at Work peacocks, twirls, and sashays. Exit Down Left

 

[Ysidro]

My gaffe was moving to a new school and already being "shy". "Social Anxiety Disorder" didn't exist until I was an adult.

And no, I'm not going to talk about "my story".

 

[slingblade]

les vulnerables
music and lyrics by supervisor at work

you can't find any work? Really? Really?

No, no, i'm just surprised,
i'm surprised. I'm really surprised. Really? Really?
You can't find anything, with every thing we have to do, really? Really?

No, i'm just surprised, is all.
I'm surprised, i'm really surprised. Really? Really? Seriously?
You can't find anything, with every thing we have to do, really? Really?

No, i'm just surprised, is all.
I'm surprised, i'm really surprised. Really? Really? Seriously?
You can't find anything, with every thing we have to do, really? Really?

No, i'm just surprised, is all. I'm surprised, i'm really surprised. Really? Really? Seriously? You can't find anything, with every thing we have to do, really? Really?

stage directions: Supervisor at work peacocks, twirls, and sashays. Exit down left

 

[Bikewer]

When I was in "grade" school in the 50s, I was the proverbial 98-pound weakling, and subject to bullying. So, I determined to study martial arts. Now, back then, one did not just go down to the dojo in the local mall. There weren't any dojos or malls either.

I got books out of the library. Judo and ju-jitsu. (Karate and related arts had only just begun to appear in the states.) I practiced with my buddies.
One day, on the playground, one of my friends grabbed me around the neck from behind. (NOT one of the bullies!) Just doing what I'd seen in my books, I took his arm and performed an almost-perfect over-the-shoulder throw...The poor lad landing with a resounding thump on his back.
All present took several steps backwards..."He knows judo!" I heard whispered. No further bullying....

 

[HistoryGal]

I still get bullied. I'm fifty-freaking-one years old, and they're still here, still working it.

I hope you can imagine all that, so as to imagine my horror. There's this woman, maybe 10 years younger than me, and there's also several of my co-workers, and she's sitting there, glaring up at me with this exaggerated look of shock, screaming "REALLY?" at me for minutes.

I hope you understand that you were not the person who came off looking pathetic to everyone else. It's really important you know that.

I have my own childhood bullying stories which I will get to in another post on this thread. But your story reminded me of one of the (very) rare times someone tried to bully me as an adult.

In between working in law, I spent years working with my father in stamps and collectibles. Part of my work involved going to live auctions to purchase items for our inventory. One of these auction houses was in Beverly Hills, and the head honcho had been trying to steal me away from working with my father, which I would never consider. Our company, of course, had an account with the auction house, and the auction had completely screwed up its books, so we had no idea who owed whom money. Anyhoo, I was at one of the auctions one evening, and head honcho decides to "dress me down" over the accounting in front of EVERYONE at the auction, which included most of the stamp and collectible dealers here in L.A., most of whom had known me since I was about 7 years old.

He started yelling at me about monies owed, and I calmly told him that we could go into a private office to discuss this. He refused. I told him I didn't handle the books - my mother (a CFO) did, and he should talk to her. He refused. He just yelled on and on about the money. I finally said in my room filling voice, "ENOUGH." And I added, "You do understand that in your attempt to embarrass and humiliate me, I am not the one coming off looking like a complete jackass."

Moments later, I was surrounded by other auction employees, who were all apologizing like crazy. Turns out head honcho may or may not have been cooking the books. They never did get the accounts properly figured out, but shortly after, he was gone, and we still do business with that auction house.

He started his own auction house, which crashed and burned (not surprising), and as far as I'm concerned, when I finally read his obituary, I will smile a little.

 

[slingblade]

I hope you understand that you were not the person who came off looking pathetic to everyone else. It's really important you know that.

Well, of the five clerks who witnessed it, I know one is her crony, and a couple of the rest might be suck-ups. But I'd be surprised if all of them were silently laughing, just because one or two were.

And thank you, Gal.

 

[Jeff Corey]

In second grade, I could read at fourth grade level and we had a lot of books in our house. The terrorism came after school, when the others objected to me answering questions in class. Finally, when I was surrounded by the five of them, John Prout started in swinging his fists, so I stuck him the wrist with my number 2 pencil. The physical stuff pretty much stopped after that. And I stopped answering questions and did the class clown thing.
Still do.

In highschool, Prout came up to me one day and showed me his wrist, with the grey trace of the pencil "lead" in it. He sez, "See what you did?"
I sez, "You want another?"

Since, I haven't been bothered much by physical bullies. Knowing where their carotid arteries are has come in handy. Also, acting the crazy dude on NYC subways repels the vermin.

Verbal bullies don't bother me, they have no power over me. My wife, on the other hand, must ..., well nuff said.

 

[Complexity]

Much has been written in these forums about bullying, the bullies, the origins and the consequences. What is hardest to write about is how it feels specifically to be bullied. Everyone knows that it feels bad, that it breaks the spirit, that it hurts. But how to describe exactly the way it feels?
....

You begin your new career in your new school with your head down, your mouth shut, and your wall built sturdily around you. Because you know that in the book bags with the high school emblems and the back packs of these new peers, the hammers rest, waiting.

Wow. My school years were nothing like this - I was an outcast, but I was usually left alone.

I'm so very sorry.

 

[HistoryGal]

Well, of the five clerks who witnessed it, I know one is her crony, and a couple of the rest might be suck-ups. But I'd be surprised if all of them were silently laughing, just because one or two were.

And thank you, Gal.

The crony and suck-ups follow her out of fear, and she, herself, is a complete coward. The others are quiet because they don't want trouble.

In the meantime, start keeping a diary of every incident - note the date, time and what happened. You may need it later.

Oh, and bring cookies to the office. There's no reason why you can't set the tone, and cookies make people happy. Even the people who shouldn't eat cookies like cookies.

 

[slingblade]

The crony and suck-ups follow her out of fear, and she, herself, is a complete coward. The others are quiet because they don't want trouble.

Yeah, and the way it mirrors school is just spine-chilling. It makes one

In the meantime, start keeping a diary of every incident - note the date, time and what happened. You may need it later.

I've written it down, noted the witnesses, and already had a talk with the office manager, THE BOSS in the office. There've been other incidents with her, though not with me. I didn't feel singled out by her, I just felt "next."

Oh, and bring cookies to the office. There's no reason why you can't set the tone, and cookies make people happy. Even the people who shouldn't eat cookies like cookies.

I already did, on Monday. I was much beloved.

 

[Profanz]

I was never bullied by anyone who was the same age or even a little older than me. I mean not seriously. But I was small for my age and if I was picked on by older kids because of it I fought back. I didn't win a lot of these fights in the beginning but I got better at it as time went on. And this started before I was even old enough to go to school to tell you the truth. It was just normal business as usual where I grew up. (in fact it started in my house as well as the street but that's a whole different story.)

My philosophy was that even if they were going to win the fight I was going to draw some blood from them. This philosophy would wind up winning me a lot of these battles. You see if a bully can find someone else to pound on and not wind up with a bloody nose in the process, they will just go look for that someone else the next time. And believe it or not? If you do wind up turning the tables and handing out the beating to them sometimes they will think twice before starting up with some perceived easy tarket the next time. Think of it as a public service.

The thing about people not getting involved that should get involved when this kind of thing is going on is simple. Everyone has been bullied at one time or another. When most people see it happening to someone else they are just so happy it's not them being picked on this time. In fact they want to run so far away from being that victim they run to the furthest place they know. What's that place? Being the bully them self. That's how bullies are born. In fact that's how all liars and cheaters are born. They are afraid. They are cowards. They want to be the perpetrator of what really fears them in an attempt to not fall victim of it.

Now some of you here are still thinking about how you were bullied. What is it you think you are good at? What is your weapon should you need it? Have you ever preemptively attacked someone? Did it make you feel good? Are you human? Are you a saint? If you are not a saint does it give you regret or is it just self righteousness? "They deserved it"? What do you think your bully thought as it bullied you?

For instance. Do any of you think you are smarter than some people? Have you ever tried to bully them with your intellect? Or maybe with some authoritative (moderator) power right here in this place? You know? Just a passive aggressive attempt to get back at every ghost you have in your tortured memories?

Just my two cents. I hope you don't steal my milk money or exclude me from your little club here for those last couple of paragraphs.

It's all sincere. I mean I could go on and on with some horror stories of my own but I really don't think about them much anymore. And it wasn't just some kid picking on me on the playground either. Get over it. It wasn't right but it happens to most people and sometime a lot worse. You could be dead. I just think some of you are really funny considering some of your activities and posts right here in this place. Do you really not think it's the same thing?

 

[Madalch]

Oh, and bring cookies to the office. There's no reason why you can't set the tone, and cookies make people happy. Even the people who shouldn't eat cookies like cookies.

I could never bring cookies to a group of office workers that bullied me. Far too tempting to add phenolphthalein, caspsicum, stuff like that.....

 

[Jeff Corey]

I just think some of you are really funny considering some of your activities and posts right here in this place. Do you really not think it's the same thing?

No. Not all, In what way are we bullying anyone? We are just recounting our experiences.

 

[fuelair]

Aside from requiring "training [and where would get it?] and perspective", this can work only if bullying is limited to making fun of someone. When bullying involves physical assault, as was the case with me and many others, self-deprecation does not get you anything.

A quick strike to the throat - straight in to avoid most blocks - works wonders - at a minimum, it concentrates their attention on something other than you.

Breathing and staying alive.

 

[Profanz]

No. Not all, In what way are we bullying anyone? We are just recounting our experiences.

I mean the forum. Especially certain parts. Not this particular thread really.

We can talk about this place (or not) and how some people bully all the time but when it gets turned around on them they cry. They cry to every and anyone who will listen. As if they never do it them self. When in reality what happened to them was a response to what they started.

Or we can take it on a global scale and talk about people who had one of the most terrible persecutions to ever happen in the history of this earth. Almost to the brink of genocide. Committed by right wing imperialistic maniacs.

So what do some of these persecuted think is the best response? Become right wing imperialist manics themselves picking on what they deem inferior to them. Fight fire with a bigger fire. Right?

My point is: Don't become your fears. If you do you have lost at life.