Wolfman
Chief Solipsistic, Autosycophant
I hear all sorts of perspectives on marriage. Those who think monogamy is the proper standard, those who think monogamy is a tool used to oppress women, those who think that polygamy is terrible, those who think that polygamy is natural, etc.
But virtually ever culture in the world has some form of marriage...a concept in which a life-long union is idealized, where there are formal ceremonies to 'sanctify' a man and a woman (or multiples thereof). Cultures where, from childhood, children are raised and taught these ideals to the point where most of us think it is a natural part of human nature. The FORM of marriage may differ from culture to culture, but it is consistent throughout our cultures.
That is, except for at least one very unique culture, the Mosuo, a Chinese minority group who live in the Himalayan mountains, close to the border with Tibet. Two years ago, I established a non-profit organization to work with the Mosuo, focusing on a variety of aspects (education, development, etc.), but also on promoting awareness of their culture, and to trying to preserve it.
In the Mosuo culture, there is no marriage. No marriage ceremonies exist. There is no expectation whatsoever of life-time bonds or pairings. Children are raised not only without an expectation of spending their life with that one special person, but they often don't even know (or care) who their biological father is.
In the Mosuo culture, men and women can change and choose partners as they please. Monogamy is not considered special or even particularly desirable. The Mosuo live in large extended families, with many generations (grandparents, parents, children, grandchildren, etc.) all living together in the same house. Men sleep in communal sleeping rooms (they don't have private bedrooms); only the women have the luxury of a private bedroom. Thus, women tend to the the ones in control of relationships.
Traditionally, a Mosuo woman will invite a man to spend the night with her. The man will come to her home at night, sneaking in through her window (it is also a part of the Mosuo culture that, while everyone knows this is happening, it should be done in a manner that is not obvious), spending the night, and then leaving early the next morning before everyone wakes up. Thus the term "walking marriage"...because the men must walk to and from their assigned rendevous each night.
The Mosuo walking marriages are generally the most interesting -- and misunderstood -- aspects of Mosuo culture. People are always fascinated by it, but misunderstandings and misperceptions abound.
One of the most common misperceptions is that the Mosuo are very promiscuous, changing partners all the time. That is patently not true; in fact, many Mosuo pairing will last for years, and even decades. There is no social stigma if someone DOES change partners often, but it is more common for the Mosuo to engage in what has been described as "serial monogamy"...that is, they don't stick with one partner for their whole life, but each pairing will tend to last for an extended period, and they won't generally have multiple partners while in a relationship.
However, there are fascinating and very unique aspects of these walking marriages.
First, even among couples who are together for months/years/decades, they generally will never actually live together, or share property. The man will continue to live in his family's home, and his responsibilities are to that family; while the woman will continue to live her her home, and be responsible to her family. The man will visit her at night, but the rest of the time they generally live separate lives.
And what if they have a baby? In general, fathers have little or no responsibility for children produced from such unions; the baby will be raised in the mother's home, and be a part of her family, not the father's. However, that does not mean that the men have no responsibility...it is just that the focus of that responsibility is shifted.
In most cultures, a man will be responsible to care for his own children; in Mosuo culture, a man is responsible to care for the children of his sisters/nieces/aunts/etc. So Mosuo men still have full parenting responsibilities...perhaps even moreso, since they may end up sharing responsibility for the children of many family members.
Now, in some cases, Mosuo men DO want to be involved in their own childrens' upbringing. If that is the case, after the child is born, the father will go to the mother's home, and present the family matriarch with gifts, asking to be accepted as the father. If the matriarch accepts him, he is then an 'honorary member' of the family, and has the right to visit and/or stay there like any other family member, and to help raise the child. However, this is not a frequent practice.
Although this sounds very strange at first, it actually provides remarkable stability for the children. First, they are not raised by just one parent; everyone in the family shares in parental duties, so the child really ends up having multiple father and mother figures. Furthermore, if the mother and father end their relationship, there is virtually no impact or stress for the child. There's no fighting over splitting property, because they never shared property. There's no fighting over custody of the child, because the child never belonged to the father to begin with. The mother's relationships with different men may change, but it has little or no effect on the children.
One more thing I'd like to point out. While this system actually works very effectively for the Mosuo, it works ONLY in a situation where there is a large extended family to provide support. For those Mosuo men and women who leave home to live/work on their own in other cities, they almost always choose more traditional marriage. After all, caring for a baby without its father when you have 20 other people in your home to help you is one thing; caring for a baby without its father when you live by yourself is another matter entirely.
For more information about the Mosuo, their culture, and our work with them, you can check out our organization's website. And I welcome questions and comments about this, or other aspects of Mosuo culture.
But virtually ever culture in the world has some form of marriage...a concept in which a life-long union is idealized, where there are formal ceremonies to 'sanctify' a man and a woman (or multiples thereof). Cultures where, from childhood, children are raised and taught these ideals to the point where most of us think it is a natural part of human nature. The FORM of marriage may differ from culture to culture, but it is consistent throughout our cultures.
That is, except for at least one very unique culture, the Mosuo, a Chinese minority group who live in the Himalayan mountains, close to the border with Tibet. Two years ago, I established a non-profit organization to work with the Mosuo, focusing on a variety of aspects (education, development, etc.), but also on promoting awareness of their culture, and to trying to preserve it.
In the Mosuo culture, there is no marriage. No marriage ceremonies exist. There is no expectation whatsoever of life-time bonds or pairings. Children are raised not only without an expectation of spending their life with that one special person, but they often don't even know (or care) who their biological father is.
In the Mosuo culture, men and women can change and choose partners as they please. Monogamy is not considered special or even particularly desirable. The Mosuo live in large extended families, with many generations (grandparents, parents, children, grandchildren, etc.) all living together in the same house. Men sleep in communal sleeping rooms (they don't have private bedrooms); only the women have the luxury of a private bedroom. Thus, women tend to the the ones in control of relationships.
Traditionally, a Mosuo woman will invite a man to spend the night with her. The man will come to her home at night, sneaking in through her window (it is also a part of the Mosuo culture that, while everyone knows this is happening, it should be done in a manner that is not obvious), spending the night, and then leaving early the next morning before everyone wakes up. Thus the term "walking marriage"...because the men must walk to and from their assigned rendevous each night.
The Mosuo walking marriages are generally the most interesting -- and misunderstood -- aspects of Mosuo culture. People are always fascinated by it, but misunderstandings and misperceptions abound.
One of the most common misperceptions is that the Mosuo are very promiscuous, changing partners all the time. That is patently not true; in fact, many Mosuo pairing will last for years, and even decades. There is no social stigma if someone DOES change partners often, but it is more common for the Mosuo to engage in what has been described as "serial monogamy"...that is, they don't stick with one partner for their whole life, but each pairing will tend to last for an extended period, and they won't generally have multiple partners while in a relationship.
However, there are fascinating and very unique aspects of these walking marriages.
First, even among couples who are together for months/years/decades, they generally will never actually live together, or share property. The man will continue to live in his family's home, and his responsibilities are to that family; while the woman will continue to live her her home, and be responsible to her family. The man will visit her at night, but the rest of the time they generally live separate lives.
And what if they have a baby? In general, fathers have little or no responsibility for children produced from such unions; the baby will be raised in the mother's home, and be a part of her family, not the father's. However, that does not mean that the men have no responsibility...it is just that the focus of that responsibility is shifted.
In most cultures, a man will be responsible to care for his own children; in Mosuo culture, a man is responsible to care for the children of his sisters/nieces/aunts/etc. So Mosuo men still have full parenting responsibilities...perhaps even moreso, since they may end up sharing responsibility for the children of many family members.
Now, in some cases, Mosuo men DO want to be involved in their own childrens' upbringing. If that is the case, after the child is born, the father will go to the mother's home, and present the family matriarch with gifts, asking to be accepted as the father. If the matriarch accepts him, he is then an 'honorary member' of the family, and has the right to visit and/or stay there like any other family member, and to help raise the child. However, this is not a frequent practice.
Although this sounds very strange at first, it actually provides remarkable stability for the children. First, they are not raised by just one parent; everyone in the family shares in parental duties, so the child really ends up having multiple father and mother figures. Furthermore, if the mother and father end their relationship, there is virtually no impact or stress for the child. There's no fighting over splitting property, because they never shared property. There's no fighting over custody of the child, because the child never belonged to the father to begin with. The mother's relationships with different men may change, but it has little or no effect on the children.
One more thing I'd like to point out. While this system actually works very effectively for the Mosuo, it works ONLY in a situation where there is a large extended family to provide support. For those Mosuo men and women who leave home to live/work on their own in other cities, they almost always choose more traditional marriage. After all, caring for a baby without its father when you have 20 other people in your home to help you is one thing; caring for a baby without its father when you live by yourself is another matter entirely.
For more information about the Mosuo, their culture, and our work with them, you can check out our organization's website. And I welcome questions and comments about this, or other aspects of Mosuo culture.
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J/K 