blobru
Philosopher
- Joined
- May 29, 2007
- Messages
- 6,900
Those poor emperors of yesteryear had to put up with slaves waving palm fronds as a fan. The buffeting must have been intense enough to drive them insane.
That most if not all of the excesses attributed to ancient rulers were the result of the unpleasant buffeting of flouncing palm fronds is hardly disputed among modern pseudo-historians. Aberrant behaviours such as alternately sleeping with and poisoning one's siblings, palace orgies and gladiatorial combats, the campaigns of Caesar and Alexander, can all be traced to the insidious "frond" effect, as Gibbon calls it in his famous tome, The Decline and Fall and Unpleasant Buffeting of the Roman Empire, which in modern editions is usually condensed from its original 27,000 page length to a mere thousand or so, the parts dealing with unpleasant buffeting having been left out, and retitled accordingly.
One of the excised chapters deals with the very brief reign of the Roman Emperor, Dysonius The Impeller, who, it was rumored, was so distracted by said unpleasant buffeting that, using simple processes of imbibing, digestion and expulsion as well-known to the ancients as they are to us, ingeniously devised a method whereby slaves could "fan" him without the need of fronds, a sort of frond-less fanning, if you will. While the innovation was initially well-received, or tolerated at least, by imperial toadies and hangers-on, court historians record that the inventive Dysoniius would meet with an unhappy end, upon a chance visit to his royal chambers by lamp-toting Diogenes, himself in search of an honest man, and a frondless fan.
