A Play About Tacos

[c4ts]

(Allen, Christina, Matt, and Karen are sitting at a table in a fine restauraunt.)
ALLEN: The grass was wet today. Therefore it must be raining.
KAREN: Oh dear, I forgot my umbrella. I must be soaked!
CHRISTINA: It rains because we are American citizens.
MATT: It rains because tacos.
(Noises of agreement)
ALLEN: Tacos are crunchy.
MATT: Tacos are soft.
ALLEN: Crunchy.
MATT: No, soft.
ALLEN: Crunchy!
MATT: Soft!
CHRISTINA: Don't start that again! Tacos are both crunchy and soft at the same time, in the same sense.
KAREN: I once ate a taco.
(applause)
MATT: Did you hear the news today? The FDA passed another law against tacos.
CHRISTINA: They won't even serve tacos at public schools these days. We are truly an oppressed minority.
ALLEN: The FDA hates tacos. They persecute taco eaters.
KAREN: They're hypocrates. They can't serve tacos at public schools, but they can serve pizza!
MATT: The nerve!
CHRISTINA: That's not so bad. A pizza is just an inverted taco.
ALLEN: But they put sauce on pizza. You can't put sauce on tacos!
MATT: I put hot sauce on my tacos.
ALLEN: You lie!
MATT: It's true.
ALLEN: If you put sauce on your taco, it's not a TRUE taco so you're not really eating a taco.
MATT: 2+2=22 therefore I'd be dead if I wasn't eating real tacos.
ALLEN: But 2+2 also equals 19!
MATT: Prove it.
ALLEN: 2+2=19 because 19=2+2
CHRISTINA: I don't get it.
ALLEN: That's because you're bad at math.
KAREN: But there's no way you can avoid eating a taco, even if you put sauce on it. Everything is made out of tacos.
MATT: I agree. Either everything is made out of tacos, or nothing exists.
ALLEN: No, pizza isn't made out of tacos. It's all because hamburgers!
MATT: Then according to you, nothing exists. Not even hamburgers. Ha ha ha.
ALLEN: Since you can't prove that hamburgers don't exist, they must exist! (Pounds on the table)
KAREN: Calm down.
CHRISTINA: Maybe Allen is right. If Matt puts sauce on his tacos, then he'll start putting sauce on other things and calling them tacos until he's eating hamburgers.
MATT: No! I would never do that!
ALLEN: But you're already doing that.
KAREN: Will you two stop eating hamburgers already? Go back to tacos like you were meant to.
ALLEN: Okay.
MATT: Fine. No more arguments.
(silence)
ALLEN: Matt, I'm your boss. I'll fire you if you eat something other than tacos!
MATT: Don't fire me, sir. I eat tacos! I love tacos!
CHRISTINA: Wouldn't it be great if you could only get a job if you ate tacos?
KAREN: Too bad there are laws against that.
MATT: The government hates us.
ALLEN: They discriminate against taco eaters.
MATT: Only right thinking people eat tacos. Everybody knows that.
CHRISTINA: I hear the president eats tacos.
ALLEN: We should agree with everything the president says. I hope he stays in office forever.
(A Waiter arrives)
WAITER: Good evening gentlemen, I'll be your waiter for tonight. Here is the menu-
ALLEN: Hey! You can't tempt us with your hamburgery menus! We know what we want to eat.
WAITER: Shards of glass and caviar?
ALL: TACOS!
WAITER: Very well, excellent choice. (leaves)
(End of act one.)

 

[Upchurch]

c4ts, it is a shame you can't make money doing this stuff.

 

[FireGarden]

He could become a tacovangelist on the food channel!

 

[Yahweh]

*Applause*

 

[c4ts]

(The waiter arrives with four taco salads.)
WAITER: Here you are, four taco salads. Every order of a taco came with a free soup or salad. Somehow I don't think any of you wanted soup.
(Gives each person a taco salad and leaves.)
CHRISTINA: Where were we?
KAREN: Tacos. We must eat tacos. Otherwise life would have no meaning.
MATT: Anyone who argues that other food is better than tacos is evil.
KAREN: Good thinking. You can't be moral unless you eat tacos.
ALLEN: The world needs tacos and it's our job to make sure everybody eats them!
MATT: I used to be gay. But now that I eat tacos, I'm straighter than ever before! (kisses Christina in a stiff and exaggerated manner)
ALLEN: I knew a gay man who refused to eat tacos. All gays must hate tacos.
KAREN: Everybody would be gay without tacos.
ALLEN: Did you know gays are trying to keep us from eating tacos? They want to make everybody else gay.
CHRISTINA: Yes, because everybody rich and powerful is gay these days.
ALLEN: People say that's it's OK to be gay and not eat tacos, but they're just following a fad. They've all been brainwashed by pop stars and hamburgers.
MATT: I'm glad I eat tacos.
KAREN: Me too. You know, Einstein said that eating tacos is a sane activity. Therefore people who don't eat tacos are crazy.
CHRISTINA: Einstein must be right. He was a genius.
ALLEN: And every health expert will tell you that eating nothing but tacos will keep you fit and increase your lifespan by 200 years.
MATT: It's too bad only a minority eats tacos in America.
KAREN: Wait a minute. I once saw a survey that said 70% of Americans eat tacos.
MATT: Just because a bunch of people say they eat tacos doesn't mean they really do.
CHRISTINA: People lie because they don't eat tacos.
ALLEN: I hear people who don't eat tacos have just as many rights as we do.
CHRISTINA: That's terrible! There should be a law against that.
KAREN: I thought this was a taco eating nation! Our founding fathers ate tacos!
ALLEN: But now it is controlled by an evil world government that hates tacos.
MATT: Maybe we should all move to Mexico where everybody eats tacos.
ALLEN: That's where you're wrong. Nobody REALLY eats tacos in Mexico because they fry tortillas instead of using prepackaged taco shells. There's a world of difference.
MATT: But taco shells ARE fried tortillas!
ALLEN: No! Because you buy them in packages of 10 or 20 they're the essence of taco-ness, not fried tortillas!

 

[Yahweh]

(A newcomer walks up to Allen, Christina, Matt, and Karen while holding a book).

CHRISTINA: Hi, who might you be?
Newcomer: My name is Jack.
ALL: Hi Jack.
JACK: Have you heard of the new wave enlightening sweeping the nation which goes by name of Waffology?
MATT: What's that--
CHRISTINA: Waffology is a cult.
JACK: We are not a cult, we are a group of enlightened thinkers.
ALLEN: If you're so enlighted, why are you in a cult?
KAREN: Yeah, and whats the meaning of life.
CHRISTINA: And who invented Post-It notes.
JACK: I have done nothing wrong, all I want--
ALLEN: IS OUR TACOS! I knew it!
ALL: Get him! Ahhhhh! Kill him! Yeah, kill him!
(Allen, Christina, Matt, and Karen proceed to kill Jack, cut up the body, and hide it neatly under a bridge. They soon return to the restaurant and resume their meal.)
KAREN: Almighty Taco will be so pleased.
ALLEN: The Almighty Taco has touched so many people, look all around, the truth of Almighty Taco is self-evident.
CHRISTINA: People who dont eat tacos are all blind.
ALLEN: You are so right, Christina.
MATT: I think you are mistaken, Christina. People who dont eat tacos are not blind, they HATE tacos.
KAREN: Adolph Hitler never ate tacos, and look at what he did.
MATT: Joseph Stalin never ate tacos either.
CHRISTINA: I like to eat my Tacos with shredded cheddar.
KAREN: I like mine with sour-cream, and fire sauce
CHRISTINA: You eat your tacos with sour-cream?!
KAREN: Yeah, its very tastey.
CHRISTINA: I cant believe you--
KAREN: Well your a bit--
ALLEN: Girls, girls, calm down. All foods eventually lead back to Taco. It doesnt matter what you put on your Taco, all Tacos are all one in the same Taco, and Tacos beget Taco, all is Taco, Taco is all.
KAREN: That makes so much sense!
MATT: What about people who dont eat tacos?
ALLEN: There is nobody who doesnt eat tacos.
MATT: Vegetarians?
ALLEN: They eat Tacos.
MATT: No they dont?
ALLEN: Are you saying you are a taco hating vegetarian?
MATT: No, no, no, I'm sorry. I shall never question Taco again.
ALL: Praise Taco.

 

[c4ts]

ALLEN: Let me tell you a story about tacos.
CHRISTINA: What might that be?
ALLEN: The story of King Piye of Nubia. One day King Piye sailed off the edge of the Earth and bad things happened to him. This is because he did not eat tacos.
KAREN: Poor Piye. He went his whole life without a taco.
ALLEN: But I know another story. The story of Juan Gomez. Juan was an evil man who went around shooting people for no apparent reason. Then, right before he died, he ate a taco and good things happened to him.
MATT: Did he put hot sauce on his taco?
ALLEN: No! He did not put hot sauce on his taco!
KAREN: Did he melt the cheese on top?
ALLEN: No! Stop asking questions! Juan ate a TRUE taco so he died a happy man! End of story!
CHRISTINA: I'm happy because Juan was happy. I'm sad because Juan died. Wait... how am I supposed to feel about this story?
ALLEN: Happy! The story had a happy ending!
CHRISTINA: I'm happy because Juan died.
KAREN: No, that's not it at all. Tell us another story, Allen.
ALLEN: All right. Once upon a time there was a man with a drinking problem. Then he ate a taco. He stopped drinking and good things happened to him.
MATT: Wow. The ending was a surprise.
KAREN: I thought he was going to eat a chalupa.
(Everybody stares at Karen)
KAREN: ...and die. Eat a chalupa and die.
CHRISTINA: Karen, have you been going to Taco Hut every Thursday?
KAREN: Uhhh...
MATT: I know for a fact that she didn't! I was there last Thursday.
ALLEN: ALWAYS go to Taco Hut on Thursday! Always always always! If you miss Taco Hut on Thursday bad things will happen to you.
KAREN: I'm sorry.
MATT: It's okay. But when you get back to Taco Hut you have to eat twice as many tacos just to be sure good things will happen to you again.

 

[Schizobunny]

mmmm... tacos. I love tacos.

 

[c4ts]

(The Waiter collects the four uneaten taco salads and serves the tacos.)
MATT: Now it is time to eat the tacos.
CHRISTINA: First we must recite the Taco poem.
ALLEN: Which one?
CHRISTINA: I'll consult the book of taco poetry.
(Pulls out a heavy hardback volume out from under the table. The others do the same. Christina flips through the pages.)
CHRISTINA: Here's a good one on page 327:
"Tacos for breakfast
Tacos for lunch
Tacos for dinner
Tacos for dessert
Tacos are the only food"
ALL: "Tacos for breakfast
Tacos for lunch
Tacos for dinner
Tacos for dessert
Tacos are the only food"
CHRISTINA: Enough.
ALL: Enough.
ALLEN: I want more money. (Takes a bite out of his taco)
KAREN: I want a new car. (Takes a bite out of her taco)
CHRISTINA: I want a new car and more money. (Takes a bite out of her taco)
MATT: I want the neighbors to stop looking at me funny. (Takes a big bite out of his taco)
(They finish their tacos in silence and bow their heads.)
ALLEN: Now we await the bill.

 

[DarkMagician]

For some sick reason, I want a taco.

 

[Yahweh]

(Allen, Christina, Matt, and Karen continue chatting while they wait for the bill to arrive.)

KAREN: Tacos are so great. I wish more people would eat tacos.
(Murmering of agreement.)
CHRISTINA: I think we should spread the word of Taco, more people need to know about Tacos.
(More murmering of agreement.)
MATT: OH MY ED! Look at this! (Matt shows the back of a Dessert Menu) Can you believe it!
ALL: Gasp!
MATT: Its a Choco Taco. This is blasphemy!
ALLEN: This makes me want to cry...
MATT: They've bastardized the name of Taco, we cant let them get away with this!
CHRISTINA: I've just had a great idea! Lets... burn the store down!
ALL: Yeah! Burn it down! Yeah!
(Chanting) Rape! Pillage! Burn!
Rape! Pillage! Burn!
Rape! Pillage! Burn! Eat babies!
Rape! Pillage! Burn! Eat babies!
Eat babies! Eat babies! Eat babies!
(Chanting stops)
ALLEN: Hey everybody, I've been thinking... can you tell me, what makes the grass grow?
CHRISTINA: Tacos?
ALLEN: No, its not Taco Bless them almighty, its something else. Ohhhh, that right, I remember now...
ALL Chanting: BLOOD!! BLOOD MAKES THE GRASS GROW! KILL! KILL! KILL!
Eat babies! Kill! Kill! Kill!
Eat babies! Kill! Kill! Kil--
WAITER: Here's your bill, you may pay it at the front desk.
KAREN: We're not paying that.
WAITER: What?
KAREN: We're not paying that, your restaurant blasphemizes the good name of Taco.
WAITER: I dont know what you mean.
CHRISTINA: I think we should tell you about the story of the First Taco...

(Scene begins to go wavy and fade, new scene opens up)

(Scene fades back to restaurant)

WAITER: Ok... uhhhh... Would you care to pay your bill now?
ALLEN: The Almighty Taco does not want us to pay our bill.
WAITER: Ok, the front counter is over there, you all can leave now.
MATT: No, that is only half of the story, you have a long way to go until you know Real Truth^TM. You cant go.
WAITER: My shift continues for another 45 minutes, I have to go now.
MATT: IF YOU GO, THE ALMIGHT TACO WILL EAT YOUR SOUL! I'm being totally serious right now!
WAITER: Is what you are telling me true?
MATT: Yes.
WAITER: Seriously?
MATT: Yes.
ALLEN: Now your one of us.
(All Chanting)
One of us!
One of us!
One of us!
One of us!

WAITER: Is there anything I can do? Please, tell me there is something I could do to to save my soul?

 

[Dancing David]

Allen: You know I heard that the president eats a taco every night before bed.
Matt: Thats right, did you know he once ate a taco on the floor of the Senate?
Allen: It is a darn taco lacking shame that those pita munching heathens wouldn't let Judge Moore praise the tacos in court. I mean really this country was founded on the priciples of the tacos.
Matt: Thats right, all those pita munchers have the taco to thank for thier freedom, we never would have founded our free country if it hadn't been for taco.
Allen: I heard that they tried to get more tacos in the Constitution but the pita eaters stopped them.
Matt: You know I hate to say this because he is a leader of the Taco Hut Chain but I heard that Jerry Falwell doesn't really eat tacos.
Allen:You have got to be kidding me, the founder of Liberty Taco doesn't eat tacos...
Karen: Thats right Matt, it is hard to believe but Fred Phelps says that he won't condemn pita eating, and how could a man who eats tacos ever approve of pita eating.
Allen: I mean I always knew that Mr. Rogers was a pita licker but Jerry Falwell, that's really disturbing. He says that he eats tacos.
Karen: Well maybe they are tacos that are made from...I can't say it...
Matt: You don't mean pita do you, that is really a quick trip to damnation. But it would explain how it looks like he eats tacos but approves of pita eating. Wouldn't he choke on a taco afetr not condemning pita eating.
All:True true. Praise Taco.