A new baby.

A_Feeble_Mind said:
I am a new parent and have a question regarding my reaction to my new baby. When she cries, instead of feeling pity and wanting to make her feel better, I feel angry and want her just to stop. I know it isn't rational and that she isn't doing anything on purpose and I am looking for suggestions or resources that would perhaps help me adjust my feelings. I do really love her, but it confuses me that I don't have the same degree of patience as my wife. Any constructive comments are appreciated, but, please, I don't need a brow beating. :)
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I've been letting my mind chew on this for awhile. There is some really great advice here. In particular that once you have fed, diapered, and made sure that baby is dressed comfortably, there is nothing wrong with going outside or in the bathroom and letting the little one cry for a few minutes.

2 weeks after my first daughter was born her father deployed for 6 months (kitty I'm sure you can relate). I was 2,000 miles away from any family and had almost no connections to the community I was in. I distinctly remember feeling the thoughts you have described and the horror I felt at having those thoughts. I truly was afraid of hurting her. It was those moments that shocked me into realizing that I needed help. I went looking for it. I found a neighbor that was willing to watch her for an hour every 2 days so I could spend some time by myself. After a few weeks I started putting her in the car seat and going for those drives with her. She would sleep and I could listen to music and just be peaceful. We both survived.

I am rambling a bit. My point is you are sleep deprived and stressed. Your feelings are perfectly normal; acknowledging them, speaking about them and looking for help is the appropriate reaction. I know that you will survive and someday you will be passing on I remember when stories and helping out another new parent. Quite possibly the one sleeping (maybe) in that crib just over there.

Hang in there. We will be here if you need us.


Boo
 
Been there, done that! It's part of your boot camp as a parent.

I remember telling my second son to "shut up!" while I was trying to rock him back to sleep, and he was screaming at me (he was about 2 weeks old). I then had to laugh at how ridiculous it was to say that. Especially since I had gone through the same thing with my first son, and I thought "now that I am an experienced parent, I will understand the special needs of the small baby blah blah blah..." No matter how much you think you're ready to handle it, and how logical a person you are, you still lose your cool.

I think new parents have a tendency to treat the baby as if it were an adult - if adults did any of the stuff that babies do, we'd smack them upside the head for being jerks. It takes awhile to relate to the baby on his terms. Even when my 3-year old does something that a normal adult would deserve a smacking for, I have to remind myself "he's only three, and that's not bad for someone his age."

When the smiles start coming in a few months, you'll really start having some fun and you'll forget the screaming and the "shut ups" and things will be great. Hang in there!
 
I'm sympathetic

Babies can be very frustrating, indeed.

Just watch, though, you'll see that gleam of budding intellegence in nothing flat.

Some things to remember:

1) Babies cry. Sometimes just because they can.
2) Babies leak. From all available orifices.
3) Babies eat. Lots.
4) Babies learn. Fast.

Our first could tell if I was annoyed in a flash, even at a couple of months, and would howl even if she was previously happy. She didn't want me to be annoyed, I guess. If I'd pick her up and pat her on the back, she'd sniffle at me until I smiled. She could read mom like a book, I had to train mom that a howl wasn't always something terrible, it could be something like "I'll howl until I think mom is out of the house and then laugh and play"... It would have been good to have had a video camera to show mom just how clear this behavior was. :)

Our second, well, some kids have strong opinions, but could also read mom and dad in a flash.
 
As a father of four, I second pretty much all of that.

You are definitely better off walking away for a while if you feel yourself losing control, as long as you're sure there's nothing urgently wrong with the baby.

Quick horror story - our third child (who's now four, five?, no four - I'm pretty sure ;) ) was born prematurely with various medical problems and lactose intolerence (which, despite our saying it to the doctors we were told was definitely not the case). Anyway the child screamed pretty much non stop unless she was being rocked (by a person - we got one of those mechanised rocking chairs but she hated it) for three full weeks (night and day). Goodness help me but there were times, mostly around 3 or 4 am after not having slept for a fortnight . . .

Eventually we figured out the lactose thing and, after kicking ourselves mightily (and cursing the doctors just a little unfairly) she quietened down to a more normal level.

The best piece of advice I can give you from my experience is that you are better to give up all hope of sleep. Accept that your night is disturbed and the child is possibly not going to go asleep in the near future. Get it (him/her?) up, get yourself dressed and go watch TV, wrap it up warm and go for a walk or whatever.

You won't feel any better sleep-deprivation wise but it removes a lot of the frustration of standing there trying and trying to get it to sleep and not succeeding.

Oh and remember - he or she will continue to drive you mad for at least the next 18 years but the newborn thing is shortlived. Hold your temper, try to enjoy the enjoyable bits and it'll soon be over.

Graham
 
You are so right BOO! Kitten was born while daddy was at sea...I was all alone, and went bonkers. Thank goodness the Captians wife took me and the baby into her home until the boys came back. She had fun playing with the baby. I remember being able to watch the Olympics live, because Kitten thought 3am was her bedtime (1984). with number two I got to enjoy the first Gulf War, which happened just in time for you know who to miss out on those happy early months. My advice, join the military!
 
I can see that valued alone time can keep people sane. I had to cope without those types of luxuries because I was so unable to trust anyone with my baby. Even by number 3 I hadn't gotten over that overprotectedness. I really try to watch that as they get more independent. I was just so afraid someone else would get frustrated and hurt my baby.

I admire all you parents who got around that. Any advice for overly paranoid mommies like me? It's a little late since my daughter is now 1 and goes to a dayhome 4 days a week, but I have no idea what to tell my kids when they have kids. For the first 3-6 months I had a hard time trusting anyone. I had no mom around, or sisters, or Aunts-but still no excuse as I see other moms still found help and got that helpful alone time.
 
Hey, when your kids have kids you'll be there for them! If they can't trust you then forget it. I wouldn't trust my mom with my kids, but she did have great help when I was a baby. I had another mom with a newborn when kitten 2 was around. Her child was 2 months early and on a monitor. I took baby CPR and would watch her baby like a hawk. If she trusted me, how could I not trust her with my 10 pound super baby?

You'll get your turn to be grandmother!
 
Yeah, being a grandparent would be the greatest! Send them home when you're tired! I couldn't trust my mom because she was a certified loon after I was six-thank goodness she was okay when my brothers and I were babies.

Baby CPR, grand idea!
 
A_Feeble_Mind,

I have had those feelings as well. There were times that I felt like my daughter was intentionally being obnoxious though I knew in my rational mind that that was not a possibility. I once put her down in her crib, walked out to the living room and screamed at the top of my lungs. One of my neighbors got worried and called the cops. They came by to check on me and my baby.:rolleyes:

It is true that the first year or so is really hard. Frankly, I still have my less than rational mommy moments and my daughter is now five. I found the most important thing was not trying to be someone I was not. I was surrounded by people telling me to let her cry. They all kept telling me how if I kept picking her up she would never learn to calm herself and never sleep through the night. The last thing I needed was the stress of trying to do what everyone else told me to do when it all felt completely wrong. I finally stoped listening and picked her up and carried her everywhere. I kept feeding her in the middle of the night and I never just let her cry. I would take little breaks but I never just let her cry herself out. I felt a lot better after I started following my gut on the matter and the most amazing things happened. She did learn to calm herself. She did eventually sleep through the night and she is none the worse for my having indulged her.

Regarding bottles and pacifiers, I allowed m\y daughter to use both for as long as hse wanted. I was told by many people that I must get her off the bottles. She didn't need them at night so that wasn't an issue. I once tried to force the issue by giving her a sippy cup and refusing to give her a bottle. She got dehydrated in about nine hours rather than have anything to do with that cup. I never took her bottles away again. Once she started prsechool and discovered straws she never looked back. The pacifier is another matter. She still uses it at night. I have been called all sorts of terrible things for allowing a five year old to continue using a pacifier. I don't care. She will give it up when she is ready. That is what her doctor says. That is what her psychologist says. That is what her dentist says. So there! Don't go against your feelings. Do what you and your wife think is right and everyone else be d*mned.

BTW, my daughter didn't take her pacifier at first either. You have to tickle her mouth with it. Once she took it I had the first hot meal I had had in months so I am a fan of those little things. It still didn't quiet her completely though.

Glory
 
Just remember this!

Your baby's brain is just as smart as yours is; it just hasn't been filled up with silly crap yet so they can think faster than you.

And...

They are just going through a stage and will grow out of it ... into something else even more obnoxious!
 
You said it Zep! You trade one thing for another. and none of this it's over at 18 stuff. Kitten is 19, and she's never been more expensive! (actually she isn't into clothing or buying junk, it's the education...). And they STILL need you and learn from you. However, the Bank of Dad (human ATM machine) closes soon (yeah right...)
 
I never listened to the 'you'll spoil your baby' crap either. It was a lot less hard on me to have a happy baby in a snuggly than a sad whiny baby after crying themself to sleep. That was the first six months, and getting sleep was better than trying to get the little munchkin to sleep in the crib when she was hungry-nursing is easier if you sleep with the kid. I never felt very sleep deprived because she only woke up for a feeding, and then went right back to sleep. That's how she 'slept through the night', and I didn't have to get up at all. Now she has a bottle of water with her in the crib. When she wakes up she finds it and goes back to sleep. Not any different than a pacifier.

I sucked my thumb until I was three. I think a pacifier would have been better for my mouth-I kind of have a bit of an overbite.

My daughter was lavished with attention in the early months, and at one she doesn't have to cling to me or follow me around the house too much. She's one, and likes to play on her own for some minutes. She'll also go in her crib when she's tired, and will go to sleep by herself now.
 
My daughter is remarkably self sufficient as well. She has been since she was about a year and a half. She checks in with me and then goes off and enetrtains herself for long periods of time. I actually seek her out more often than not. I believe she knows I am always there for her so she doesn't have to go to extremes to make sure. She's happy and I am happy and daddy is happy and that's the bottom line.

I still have moments when I just can't stand another squeal from her though.

Glory
 
Girls are more squeally aren't they :D

Kudos to al the great parents in this thread that have survived to bring such special little people :)
 
Having one of your own makes you realise all of a sudden that YOU were once the squirmy, whining, squeally, smelly little bundle of noise that your own parents had to deal with!

But then, my mum tells me I was PERFECT as a baby!!!





Although I don't believe her for a minute - I was there, I remember some of the stuff I used to get up to... :)
 
Nice thread. I'm sorry I didn't see it the first time 'round.

I have no advice to add - I just want to agree: you people do rock.


N/A
 
Congratulations and my sympathies. I have a 2 month old girl and 21 month old boy. I have 3 pieces of advice one of which would get your doctor very angry:
1) Read the Self-Calmed Baby by Williams Sammons. It is out of print but it is often still in libraries. He says that babies need to learn to calm themselves. He tells of various ways that babies like to calm themselves - sucking their thumb, staring at a light, etc. Try them all when you baby is annoyed but not frantic. See which ones work best.

2) Let your baby sleep on her stomach. I know this second piece of advice will cause all the pediatricians to pull out their hair but the fact is that most (not all) babies sleep better on their stomach. Must of us who are old enough to post slept on our stomachs and lived through it. One bad thing about this is that after learning to sleep on their stomach, babies do not sleep as well in a car seat.

My son was colicky e.g. he screamed his head off every afternoon and evening. After about two months, I got the Self Calmed Baby from the library. We helped him learn to suck his thumb and let him sleep on his stomach. Over the weekend, he went from being a monster to being an angel. Perhaps it was coincidence but I doubt it.

3) When you get mad, start reciting a baby book out loud. It is the equivalent of counting to 10 to prevent anger but it last longer and can actually calm the baby. I recommend Dr Seuss's ABC. She will learn the alphabet earlier and it is harder to stay angry while you say "Aunt Annie's alligator, A, A, A."

CBL
 
Great thread! Congrats to the new parents, and don't worry about not liking the little one now. At this stage, for all the work you do, you really don't get anything in return; I felt the same way, and my wife even more so (our kid refused to nurse, and we didn't want to give him formula, so she pumped. and pumped, and pumped - we figured out that in the year she pumped, she spent something like 700 hours attached to that infernal machine). Great things to have: a partner who will let you out (particularly if you're the one spending the most time with the little poop factoy), a detached garage, a pediatrician who tells you you're doing fine, free coffee at work (3 hours of sleep + 96 oz. of coffee = something sort of like functional), and, for when the kid won't settle down, a swing. I bow down to our old swing.

Enjoy the ride!

did
 
I'm sorry I just found this thread too. I'm a new dad as of Nov 1st and all of this is good to hear. That said, I'm feeling really lucky. My new daughter sleeps through most of the night, getting up at about 3 and 6 to eat. Lucky me, she's not on the bottle yet, so I can sleep through these for now. She doesn't cry unless she's really hungry, which is hardly ever because she makes little sucking faces well before she starts crying. If she is crying, I let her suck on the knuckle of my pinky finger and this calms her down. This all might change any time I know but so far I'm enjoying fatherhood. Even if I don't really feel like a father yet. More like I'm babysitting for a really long time.
 
Hexxenhammer said:
I'm enjoying fatherhood. Even if I don't really feel like a father yet. More like I'm babysitting for a really long time.
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That perfectly sums up how I felt about being a new parent. It takes time to bond.

Glory
 
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